uniqueone Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 There are two people that I've talked to who are supposed to be skilled in dealing with relationship issues..it's what they do for a living. What's upsetting is that they're saying two different things. Now, I must admit that one I've never thought was very good at what he did (based on the things he says) and he also isn't as educated. I've told them both about my situation and how I wished I'd hear from this guy that I'd been involved with. The one said: "Why would you want to hear from him? The guy's a flaming narcissist. Why do you want to be in contact with someone who's demeans you?" I told the second one what the first one said and he replied: "Well, you can't help who you like. You don't find people that you click with on all those levels very often. So, did you ever send him that one e-mail?" So, of course this leaves me feeling confused. I think I know which one is the person to listen to but the other person starts swaying me the other way and I don't know...I'm just feeling conflicted I guess......
Trialbyfire Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Whoah...hold your horses. Have you ever been involved with a real narcissist? Even if he isn't a real narcissist, can you handle being in a relationship with a very selfish person? Regardless if you like him or not, run, run for the hills. If he's a real narcissist, he will suck you dry.
underpants Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Why do you want to hear from him? Do you miss the abuse, or the degrading/devaluing mixed with adoration? Do you miss attention from someone who witholds it, or doles it out, methodically, almost like a mental craft? Do you think time away has changed him? I can probably venture...no to this one. Do you think time away has made you stronger, able to deal with him better? Maybe, but again, why would you want to go back to a bad situation, on any level? Think about these things. Read your old posts.
tinke Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 do you miss him or the companionship? ask yourself what it is you truly miss. good guess that you may miss the comfort, routine of the relationship...not that it was necessarily good or healthy.
Author uniqueone Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 Whoah...hold your horses. Have you ever been involved with a real narcissist? Even if he isn't a real narcissist, can you handle being in a relationship with a very selfish person? Regardless if you like him or not, run, run for the hills. If he's a real narcissist, he will suck you dry. Trialbyfire, can you get into more specifics as to what you mean here? Since I was talking about two different opinions I received on the topic, I'm confused at what you're trying to say.
Author uniqueone Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 Why do you want to hear from him? Do you miss the abuse, or the degrading/devaluing mixed with adoration? Do you miss attention from someone who witholds it, or doles it out, methodically, almost like a mental craft? Do you think time away has changed him? I can probably venture...no to this one. Do you think time away has made you stronger, able to deal with him better? Maybe, but again, why would you want to go back to a bad situation, on any level? Think about these things. Read your old posts. Underpants.....The thing is, there was a lot of things that I really liked about him. The previous two months before it ended were great....he treated me great. Here's how it went. We started talking earlier this year and he was so into me. Then things suddenly changed. I became insecure because of it which annoyed him and he became demeaning...sort of scolding. Then we met and after that things were great for two months. Then I went to visit him and things fell apart because he abandoned me after I became upset when he couldn't stop e-mailing other women while I was there in the hotel room. So I guess what I'm saying was that there were a lot of parts that I really liked....a lot of discussions that I really enjoyed...that I don't enjoy with others. We related on a lot of things. I feel like if I had been more understanding, the situation that ended things wouldn't have happened. I feel like if I'd been more successful he would have respected me more (at one point before we'd met he'd told me what I did wasn't impressive). I guess I feel like if I could have done things a different way, then I would have been able to keep this person who made me so happy a lot of the time.
Author uniqueone Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 Feedback anyone? I'm having a bad day here today. An activity that has been helping me take my mind off of things....biking....well...it broke yesterday while I was on it. I had to walk back. And a person I've been talking to about all of this.....well....I just found out my insurance is changing and he isn't in it and the deductible to go to anyone who's not in it is $2,000. I'm really upset. I also wanted feedback on the two different opinions that I posted about in my first post if anyone has any comments on that. Thanks.
madgun68 Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 UniqueOne, I think you're only looking at pieces of him instead of the whole. Yes, when you two first met, he probably did seem very in to you. Did you also consider that he's probably in contact with several women who are/have probably felt this way? You want this guy to be there for you and he just won't be. Why should he be? If you're becoming too needy, he can just shift his attention to someone else. This is a guy who is going to repeatedly build you up and tear you back down.. repeatedly. He's not going to change. He doesn't need to. Maybe you won't put up with it, but someone he's in contact will.. You DESERVE someone who will treat you better than this guy. Don't settle for this guy just become he has his shining moments when there's someone out there, wondering where the hell you've been their entire life. Someone who will treat you the way you should be treated. As far as the two opinions you received, I think I'd go with the first one over the second. (There could be many reasons why the opinions vary so much.) Listen to what everyone is telling you... and run!
Trialbyfire Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Trialbyfire, can you get into more specifics as to what you mean here? Since I was talking about two different opinions I received on the topic, I'm confused at what you're trying to say. I didn't read your background so I'm looking at this based on your opening post. If the guy is a real narcissist or a selfish individual, no matter what you feel about him, he will not be good for you unless you want to spend all your energy propping up his self-esteem and other issues. He will continually negate your wants, desires and feelings. You will not matter unless there's gain for him. I speak from personal experience because I was married a real live narcissist. Talk about a living hell when it finally hit the fan.
Author uniqueone Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 UniqueOne, I think you're only looking at pieces of him instead of the whole. Yes, when you two first met, he probably did seem very in to you. Did you also consider that he's probably in contact with several women who are/have probably felt this way? You want this guy to be there for you and he just won't be. Why should he be? If you're becoming too needy, he can just shift his attention to someone else. This is a guy who is going to repeatedly build you up and tear you back down.. repeatedly. He's not going to change. He doesn't need to. Maybe you won't put up with it, but someone he's in contact will.. You DESERVE someone who will treat you better than this guy. Don't settle for this guy just become he has his shining moments when there's someone out there, wondering where the hell you've been their entire life. Someone who will treat you the way you should be treated. As far as the two opinions you received, I think I'd go with the first one over the second. (There could be many reasons why the opinions vary so much.) Listen to what everyone is telling you... and run! Thanks madgun. I wonder though if he treats the other women better. You know....maybe they are more successful than me so he admires them more...stuff like that. I guess I'm thinking that maybe he doesn't tear them down. And that maybe he wouldn't tear me down....I mean....he had been really nice for the last two months and if I hadn't gotten mad then things would probably still be good. I wish I could believe there was someone out there just wondering where I've been but I'm the one sitting home alone and he's the one getting tons of attention. I'm not having men just sweeping me off my feet. Maybe if I was, it would be a lot easier. So what do I do if this is the way things are?
Author uniqueone Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 I didn't read your background so I'm looking at this based on your opening post. If the guy is a real narcissist or a selfish individual, no matter what you feel about him, he will not be good for you unless you want to spend all your energy propping up his self-esteem and other issues. He will continually negate your wants, desires and feelings. You will not matter unless there's gain for him. I speak from personal experience because I was married a real live narcissist. Talk about a living hell when it finally hit the fan. Does it bother narcissists when you go NC? I know with him, when he'd email me and I wouldn't respond right away, he'd always call me. He couldn't stand to not be responded to. Just wanted your opinion since you were involved with one. Btw, I hope you all don't think I sound like a fool for feeling this way over a relationship that wasn't serious. I miss the friendship mostly.
Trialbyfire Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Does it bother narcissists when you go NC? I know with him, when he'd email me and I wouldn't respond right away, he'd always call me. He couldn't stand to not be responded to. Just wanted your opinion since you were involved with one. Btw, I hope you all don't think I sound like a fool for feeling this way over a relationship that wasn't serious. I miss the friendship mostly. Whether it bothers them or not, shouldn't matter to you. NC should not be used to bait someone back. It's for you to control yourself, get some balance and stay strong.
Author uniqueone Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 Whether it bothers them or not, shouldn't matter to you. NC should not be used to bait someone back. It's for you to control yourself, get some balance and stay strong. Yeah I know that people here on LS will often reply with your response, but I think some of us like to know what effect NC will have on the other person and I think that's ok that we'd like to know. It doesn't necessarily mean that we want them back either. I think it's ok that we talk about it and I don't think that it should be dismissed like it often is on here. Just my opinion on it.
Trialbyfire Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Yeah I know that people here on LS will often reply with your response, but I think some of us like to know what effect NC will have on the other person and I think that's ok that we'd like to know. It doesn't necessarily mean that we want them back either. I think it's ok that we talk about it and I don't think that it should be dismissed like it often is on here. Just my opinion on it. Okay, let's play pretend. So let's pretend that it bothers him greatly. What would you do?
Author uniqueone Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 Okay, let's play pretend. So let's pretend that it bothers him greatly. What would you do? That's not what I mean.
Trialbyfire Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 That's not what I mean.NC is the first step to getting yourself back. It allows you to be self-centered and use the energy to focus on yourself. You're waste time and energy wondering how the other person feels. Why do you want to go NC? If you really want him back, go LC which is low contact. My personal opinion is that you're wasting your time with LC in this specific situation because he sounds pretty selfish. I'm sure it would stroke him big time to know you're thinking about him all the time.
funkybassplayer Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 The thing is if there withsome new, they wont even be thinking of you, and you are proberly doing him a favor by staying out the way.
madgun68 Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Thanks madgun. I wonder though if he treats the other women better. You know....maybe they are more successful than me so he admires them more...stuff like that. I guess I'm thinking that maybe he doesn't tear them down. And that maybe he wouldn't tear me down....I mean....he had been really nice for the last two months and if I hadn't gotten mad then things would probably still be good.No. I really, seriously doubt they are treated any better. (True) friendship isn't based on success. You accept people just the way they are. It sounds like you're placing the blame for all of this on you and that is unfair. You're cutting him slack for cutting you down, but not yourself when he's the one who made you angry. I wish I could believe there was someone out there just wondering where I've been but I'm the one sitting home alone and he's the one getting tons of attention. I'm not having men just sweeping me off my feet. Maybe if I was, it would be a lot easier. So what do I do if this is the way things are?Wish I had an easy answer for you. Right now I'm working two jobs just because I was fed up with doing without some things in my life. Makes it really difficult to keep up current friendships let alone find someone special.. And there are plenty of nights where I wish I did have someone like that in my life because I really miss having meaningful conversations.. Don't give up though. That person IS out there. They just haven't found you yet!
Author uniqueone Posted July 26, 2007 Author Posted July 26, 2007 NC is the first step to getting yourself back. It allows you to be self-centered and use the energy to focus on yourself. You're waste time and energy wondering how the other person feels. Why do you want to go NC? If you really want him back, go LC which is low contact. My personal opinion is that you're wasting your time with LC in this specific situation because he sounds pretty selfish. I'm sure it would stroke him big time to know you're thinking about him all the time. Yeah, I know it probably did so that's why I stopped the e-mails. I've been doing pretty good with that so far.
Author uniqueone Posted July 26, 2007 Author Posted July 26, 2007 Wish I had an easy answer for you. Right now I'm working two jobs just because I was fed up with doing without some things in my life. Makes it really difficult to keep up current friendships let alone find someone special.. And there are plenty of nights where I wish I did have someone like that in my life because I really miss having meaningful conversations.. Don't give up though. That person IS out there. They just haven't found you yet! I'm afraid I think that's a little too idealistic. They're not going to find me. I live in a city that has lost tons of single professionals. Most of those who are here are not my type.....overweight and obsessed with watching sports. There are fewer and fewer intellectuals here all the time. Add to that that half the men are not my race and of the ones who are, many of them are gay. What does that leave left? Not much! And of the very few that are of any quality, they are married or get snatched up so quickly it's not even funny. And this guy that I liked was one of those types who was tops in everything. The smartest...the most successful.....the most athletic..... How can anyone compare to that? (and of course he didn't live in my city/state because those types don't even exist in my city/state). And on top of it all he gets all the women he wants easily.
Recommended Posts