raslers Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I have been OW with MM for 4 years this month. I actually caught him with OOW. I had no idea. It was by accident. I was talking with someone in one of our harbor parking lots and we walked over to look over the rail. I saw her board his boat. That's where he and I met from time to time (besides my home, his home, and numerous other places). I really thought he would never do this to me. Oh boy was I wrong. I have been in termoil ever since. I am so stupid!! I was stupid to get involved in the first place. I have confronted him about it and of course he has turned it around saying I knew what kind of man he was and the shouldn't worry. I actually thought I was someone special. NOT SO!! He is the first and only MM I have been with. I told him I want no contact. He has contacted me anyway, but it is subsiding slowly. It's hard for me not to answer back, but I am trying to be strong. I feel so horrible for allowing myself to believe all the BS he fed me leading up to our A. I believed we were important to each other. He even told me in another place and time it would have been us (puke). I never asked him to leave W and never expected him to. I knew where I stood. I have been through a divorce, getting sober (which I still am), and a host of other important milestones with him. He was so supportive through everything (by the way my marriage was ending when we became friends, so he didn't cause the divorce). I have been so snowed. He says she isn't to him what I am and she never could be (oh and besides that she is moving away-yeah right). What a crock. They work together. How convenient. Is it normal for me to want him to feel as bad as I do? I want him to feel the loss I do. I know it could never be the same if we were to continue, so the best thing for me to do is end it. I want him to want me back just so I can say get the f*&% out of here. After being there for him incessently and not just for sex I feel this was always just a fling to him while it was just so much more to me. We confided so much in each other. I feel not only the loss of a lover, but what I thought was a special friend (since we were friends long before the A). I need some support in dealing wih this situation. I don't want to go back to him, but I don't know how to live without him. We run in the same circles, so it is inevitable that I will see him. I don't want to run and hide just cause I might make him uncomfortable (or her if she comes around). I just feel so alone and abandonded. I have absolutely no one to talk to about this.
Mino Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Ok, I have to admit, this would push me over the EDGE!!!! Sorry people who want to protect their xmm, but I would not have to think twice about throwing his AZZ under the bus BIG TIME, Go ahead and lecture me on this one Gals, but it would be run his AZZ over and Back up and do it again... I would be standing at his wife door......
GreenEyedLady Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I don't know what to tell you except he has shown his true colors...If you want to stay with him, you have to accept that he is a person who cannot take responsibility for his choices and instead throws it onto you saying, "You should have known what kind of person I am..."!!!!!! If I were you I would hold my head high and not give him another minute of my time or my life...Act with class...You need not explain your choices...simply move on with the knowledge that he could not meet your needs and find someone who will... (((HUGS)))
annabelle75 Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Ok, I have to admit, this would push me over the EDGE!!!! Sorry people who want to protect their xmm, but I would not have to think twice about throwing his AZZ under the bus BIG TIME, Go ahead and lecture me on this one Gals, but it would be run his AZZ over and Back up and do it again... I would be standing at his wife door...... I'm with Mino on this one. What a jerk !!! I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Its horrific and so hurtful. In these situations you feel because he was MM that you can't turn to anyone for sympathy. There are those of us here that understand what you are going through and are always ready to listen and give you advice from our own experiences. You may feel very alone right now, but you aren't. We're here for you. Hang in there ((hugs))
Author raslers Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 I am so grateful to hear back from such wonderful supportive people. I am holding my head up. I know I am better than this and deserve better than this. I believe that you treat people the way you want to be treated and this is not how I want to be treated. F*^% him!!!! I have always steered away from guys that seemed too nice for me. Maybe nice is actually what I deserve. I was in a mentally abusive marriage and now this (I think it is mental abuse in a way too). Thanks for not thinking I am a bad person for what I feel or what I have done. I know MMen are out of the question from now on. I will no longer allow this MM to hear back even if he does try to contact me. If he chooses to pursue me anyway I will threaten to tell, not only the new OW, but his wife. Maybe that will keep him away from me so I can get on with my life. How's that sound??? I haven't smiled in a while and you all have helped me so much I am actually smiling while I type this. I will continue to let you know how this goes. I know I won't be done with this yet from what he did try to say to me. I just need to stand strong.
annabelle75 Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I am so grateful to hear back from such wonderful supportive people. I am holding my head up. I know I am better than this and deserve better than this. I believe that you treat people the way you want to be treated and this is not how I want to be treated. F*^% him!!!! I have always steered away from guys that seemed too nice for me. Maybe nice is actually what I deserve. I was in a mentally abusive marriage and now this (I think it is mental abuse in a way too). Thanks for not thinking I am a bad person for what I feel or what I have done. I know MMen are out of the question from now on. I will no longer allow this MM to hear back even if he does try to contact me. If he chooses to pursue me anyway I will threaten to tell, not only the new OW, but his wife. Maybe that will keep him away from me so I can get on with my life. How's that sound??? I haven't smiled in a while and you all have helped me so much I am actually smiling while I type this. I will continue to let you know how this goes. I know I won't be done with this yet from what he did try to say to me. I just need to stand strong. Being able to talk about it is a big step to helping you deal with it. When you feel weak, come here and post. We'll help you through it. And No, we don't think you are a horrible person. Not at all. You made a bad choice and now you are hurting. We've all been there at some point in our lives. Try to keep smiling even when you don't feel it. We're pulling fro you (((hugs)))
Author raslers Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 Thanks for all the hugs. Believe me I have needed them. Right now I feel really strong, kind of empowered. Amazing what sharing my experience can do. Hopefully I can be help to others too. I imagine tomorrow I may feel differently if he tries to get in touch with me. I will be not answering calls or e mails, but will be back for support as this will be so tough to do. I can do it. I know i can
STAR001 Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 BELEIVE ME, I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. MY MM AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS, ABOUT AS LONG AS HE HAS BEEN MARRIED, BUT IVE KNOWN AND LOVED HIM ALMOST MY WHOLE LIFE. WE HAVE A CHILD HE WONT ACKNOWLEDGE PUBLICLY AND ABOUT A MONTH AGO I INTERVENED BEFORE HE ACTUALLY CHEAT ON ME ONLY FOR HIM TO ADMIT THAT HE SEES OW. BUT HE TELLS ME THAT IM WHO HE WANTS TO GROW OLD WITH AND I SHOULD KNOW MY PLACE WITH HIM. I FEEL USED, FOOLISH AND HUMILATED BECAUSE MY FAMILY KNOWS THAT HE IS MARRIED. I WANT TO END IT BECAUSE I AM DEEPLY HURT BUT I DO DEEPLY LOVE HIM AND WANT TO BE WITH HIM. AM I CRAZY. ITS BEEN ONLY 2 DAYS SINCE I DECIDED TO END IT AND ITS HARD. BUT I KNOW ITS THE RIGHT THING TOP DO RIGHT? I NEED ENCOURAGEMENT AND SUPPORT THROUGH THIS.... I FEEL LIKE HE IS JUST RIPED MY HEART FROM MY CHEST AND LAUGHING IN MY FACE:sick:
PoshPrincess Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 If I were you I would hold my head high and not give him another minute of my time or my life...Act with class...You need not explain your choices...simply move on with the knowledge that he could not meet your needs and find someone who will... I agree with GEL, Rasler. You are better than him. Don't give him the satisfaction by reacting to this in any other way. He has betrayed you big time (more bashing expected here!!!! 'like we betray the BS so we deserve it, don't expect any different from a cheat,blah blah blah!) and you have every right to feel as badly as you do for it. I think it might also have been GEL (she's v wise!) who said to me one time, "the best revenge is living well" and she is SO right. You do just that and show him you don't give a t*ss! I am doing the same!
PoshPrincess Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 BELEIVE ME, I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. MY MM AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS, ABOUT AS LONG AS HE HAS BEEN MARRIED, BUT IVE KNOWN AND LOVED HIM ALMOST MY WHOLE LIFE. WE HAVE A CHILD HE WONT ACKNOWLEDGE PUBLICLY AND ABOUT A MONTH AGO I INTERVENED BEFORE HE ACTUALLY CHEAT ON ME ONLY FOR HIM TO ADMIT THAT HE SEES OW. BUT HE TELLS ME THAT IM WHO HE WANTS TO GROW OLD WITH AND I SHOULD KNOW MY PLACE WITH HIM. I FEEL USED, FOOLISH AND HUMILATED BECAUSE MY FAMILY KNOWS THAT HE IS MARRIED. I WANT TO END IT BECAUSE I AM DEEPLY HURT BUT I DO DEEPLY LOVE HIM AND WANT TO BE WITH HIM. AM I CRAZY. ITS BEEN ONLY 2 DAYS SINCE I DECIDED TO END IT AND ITS HARD. BUT I KNOW ITS THE RIGHT THING TOP DO RIGHT? I NEED ENCOURAGEMENT AND SUPPORT THROUGH THIS.... I FEEL LIKE HE IS JUST RIPED MY HEART FROM MY CHEST AND LAUGHING IN MY FACE:sick: Star, your story sounds a whole lot more complicated, especially as you have a child together. This man is playing you BIG TIME! Please do yourself a favour and move on, as hard as it is, because he will bring you down more and more and will knock every shred of self-confidence you have out of you! Don't feel humiliated. We all make mistakes. Just pick yourself up for the sake of your child and prove to this man that you can do just as well without him! Stay strong!
child_of_isis Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Read this LS post about No Contact. Read it everyday, a gazillion times a day. Until you know it by heart. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=125287
Lizzie60 Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 He is the first and only MM I have been with. Well... I have to say that MOST MM are just like that... You're just a fling... just for sex... nothing more. It sucks but that's reality. In this case, unless you want to be #2, #3, #4...then you're better out of there. Be strong.. you can do this!
Author raslers Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 Thank you C of I. That is a wonderful post. I will be reading it continuously. And Lizzie 60....I am absolutely a fling. I now know that. I guess I felt it was something more. Actually now that I think of it, he said things and did things to make me feel it was more. Geez, I feel so.....I don't even know the word. I have no intention of being #3, #4, etc. I was 2 and I was ok with that. Now I know it was never enough and I know no one will be for men like this. I am standing strong. I am now living right and that part feels good. I just want the hurt to go away. I feel very empty, but today I went to the gym, I am making jewelry for a flea market in 10 days, and I have dinner plans with wonderful friends tonight. I think the busier I keep the better. Thanks all of you for such wonderful support. You have no idea how grateful I am that I found this forum. I'm no longer alone. Star-get out!!! Your situation is quite different from mine, but this man is not thinking of you. He is only thinking of himself and certainly not you. You deserve better as we all do. It's time to make a clean break and do something good for yourself so when the right person does come along you will be available with your whole, strong, wonderful heart. Keep in touch
Author raslers Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 So last night I go to dinner with a friend (yes a fella)and who shows up at the same restaurant? MM and his W. They sit at the table right next to my friend and I, so it's very awkward. The guys end up visiting and I make small talk with W. She ends up confiding that she has worries about OOW. I try to be indifferent and just comforting in my responses to her worries. What does she do? She asks me to lunch. I have no clue what to do now. She is a very sweet loving person that didn't deserve to have me didling her man, but her worry obviously isn't me (or she wouldn't be confiding in me), but this other gal I caught MM with. I told her to call me and maybe we could get together. I don't think this woman has a lot of women friends. I can understand why. She probably has to worry about MM wanting to screw them all. I don't know if it's appropriate for me to lunch with her or not. This is a situation I never expected to come about (small town). By the way, MM tried to make conversation with me. I was very short with my answers and when we left he tried to say something to me without his W noticing. I ignored him totally. It was empowering to leave him that way. Might not be nice, but what he did wasn't nice. Any advice about his W?
whichwayisup Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 No, don't have lunch with her. That's just making a complete FOOL of her, befriending her... I hope soon you detach yourself from MM and stay away from him and his wife...It will only cause you pain and heartache, alot of drama, so think about ending the A completely.
Author raslers Posted July 28, 2007 Author Posted July 28, 2007 Mino, no she doesn't know. WWIU,you are right. She tried to call me to meet her for lunch and I didn't return her call. It would be a horrible thing to do to her and it would keep me in contact somewhat with MM. I don't need that. It's bad enough that he and I will see each other at certain functions. Best thing to to is stay away and let her figure out her husband is a troll on her own. Obviously she knows something or she wouldn't have fears about OOW. I don't need any drama. My life seems a bit better already. My stomach is still in knots, but it will only get easier I think. Thanks for your replies. Your support is so extrememly precious to me.
child_of_isis Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 I would go to lunch with her and tell her everything. If you want to get back at MM (aka revenge) that would be the way to do it.
Lizzie60 Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 I wouldn't go out to lunch with her... I would feel sooo hypocrit... I rather not know the W... I would certainly never socialize with any of them...
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 I'm just having trouble imagining a woman who starts chatting with complete strangers sitting near her table confiding that she is worried about her H having an A. I just can't fathom that, not even if there was LOTS of drinking going on. Took me forever to confide to my closest friend. I don't buy it, somethings fishy. And where was MM while this conversation was going on? Still at the table next to you?
Mino Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 I would go to lunch with her and tell her everything. If you want to get back at MM (aka revenge) that would be the way to do it. HMMMMM I like your thinking!!! Sounds good to me!!!!
Author raslers Posted July 29, 2007 Author Posted July 29, 2007 I'm just having trouble imagining a woman who starts chatting with complete strangers sitting near her table confiding that she is worried about her H having an A. I just can't fathom that, not even if there was LOTS of drinking going on. Took me forever to confide to my closest friend. I don't buy it, somethings fishy. And where was MM while this conversation was going on? Still at the table next to you? I think I need to clarify. I know the W. We aren't real close, but we chat if we are in the same social situations. From my observation I don't notice her with a lot of gal friends (gee I wonder why?). I have never felt it would be appropriate to ignore her, she has approached me in conversation before at dinners and parties (course it wasn't appropriate what I was doing with her husband either). She is actually a very nice person from what I do know (which makes this all the worse) I think she confided a tad just because she'd had some wine. If she doesn't have too many friends she may have needed to vent, I don't know. She probably has a lot more worries about H than I ever could imagine. Actually all of us run in the same social circles, so to sit and visit a bit was not unusual. It was just a bad thing in my opinion that we ran into each other (damn small towns). I may have to avoid going out for a while. I was not expecting that. MM was in deep conversation with my date. The companies they both work for are in the same line of business. MM was drinking enough that he could've cared less what W and I were discussing at that point. I don't drink, so it was very noticable that he and W were both a little on the tipsy side, him more so. I actually was a bit disgusted with his behavior. I don't know why his drinking didn't have that effect on me before. It would've saved me a lot of B*&^ Sh$% Course we didn't get together that way. I don't know.........I just feel so lost right now. I will not be doing lunch with W. What I have done is very wrong and to befriend her while in this situation is more wrong. I just need to do the right thing now and keep away from this scum bag. There would be no satisfaction in telling (well, maybe a little, but it's still wrong:rolleyes:). Not feeling too proud of myself right now. My effort will be put into doing the right thing.
Recommended Posts