Tormented Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 It will be a year on August 25th since the breakup with my ex. One of the most painful times in my life that I will never forget. I've done the full circle...shock, disbelief, anger/rage, crying myself to sleep only to awaken and cry some more. The loss of appetite/weight...the feelings of hopelessness/depression, clinging day to day with the ridiculous hope that things could somehow (miraculously!), work out between my ex and I. I honest to God felt as though I was detoxing from a powerful drug. Of course, I KNEW I could never return to him...not if I hoped to retain my self-dignity and respect. The b*astard lied to me, cheated on me...and when that little fling fell through...tried to come back with a load of lies to hook me back in. We did meet up, spent 2 weekends together and I decided I couldn't do it - just couldn't be in a relationship that ignited so much anger in me everytime I looked at him. I knew I would never trust nor forgive him for what he did, no matter how "sweet" the platter of sh*t he was trying to serve me. Truth is, seeing him again did me good. A risky move, I know, but I found myself less attracted to him (very much so!), and that feeling of "magic" I once felt with him was....well, gone. Still, though...I felt a heavy sadness when I walked away this time - for good. And because I knew it was final, that there was absolutely no way to "fix" the damage done, I began the mourning process. It was nowhere as painful as the initial breakup...just a few tears instead of buckets. My appetite remained in tact, the depression only mild, and my hope was now directed on the future instead of on him. To this day, I am still angry at what he did to me. I'm not obsessed with it, don't really think about it much anymore...but it's still there - especially so when I see him (we live in a small town). But, for the most part, I have recovered and life has once again returned to normal. Or should I say...*I* have returned back to normal. Or so I thought... I have recently met a great guy who I find myself incredibly attracted to. The chemestry is definitely there...we can talk for HOURS without long silences in between. This man treats me like gold. He cares for me deeply...actually CARES about my feelings and thoughts. We went riding this weekend on his Harley and had a blast. We pulled over in front of this old barn and he did a "photo shoot" of me on his Harley...something I've never done before and laughed through the entire thing. He also noticed that the snow tires of my 4-Runner were getting worn and bought me a new set because he feared I would slide in the snow/ice this winter. He is gentle with me (he's a BIG guy...stands 6'2" and 260 lbs versus my 5'3" 110 lbs!), considerate, and extremely respectful towards me. He calls and emails everyday and we have been spending every weekend since we met together. The problem? I have MAJOR trust issues now. I am so afraid to trust him...his intentions or even what he says. So far, I have done a good job hiding this problem, but it's a real struggle. I really like this guy a lot and I don't want to screw it up. And I'm afraid that if I lose control of my lack of trust, he'll distance himself from me. This absolutely sucks because it wasn't ME who cheated on my ex, didn't lie through my teeth, didn't cause the breakup...yet, I've been left with a serious trust issue as a result of HIS actions as though I were the one who committed the crime! I am SO afraid that permanent damage has been done here...damage that will ruin any future happiness for me. It's absolutely incredible the emotional damage that can be done in a relationship. My rational side tells me that not all men are like my ex. That there are a lot of GOOD men out there who will NOT cheat, lie, or use. But my irrational side screams with warning flashes that I'm setting myself up to get hurt again. That all men are the same and can NOT be trusted. And here I am...stuck in the middle, desperately trying to muffle the irrational side. I WANT to love again. I DESERVE a good man because I feel I'm a good woman who didn't deserve to be treated the way my ex did. And now...that good man has arrived. PLEASE, God....don't let me blow it! ~T~
uniqueone Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Do you REALLY believe that all men are like that? Can you think of men that aren't? If you can, then you know that all men aren't like that and that disputes that belief right there. So if that's true....that you've proven that all men AREN'T like that, then you go from there..... I've been through the same things that you have been through...maybe worse. I thought in subsequent relationships that I had trust issues because I suspected things. The guy would make me feel like I had a problem trusting. I started to think that I did. I found out though, that when I suspected things.....it turned out later that I was right about my suspicions. So the problem really wasn't that I had become untrusting. The problem was in the people that I was drawn to. Not sure what good this info will do......just food for thought. I guess I'm just trying to say that don't jump to thinking that you unnecessarily lack trust when there could be something else behind it.
tinke Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 i think that is some of the things we learn being in relationships....we know the feelings good or bad and the automatic radar to detect potental "trouble signs" from past experiences. how very wonderful for you that you have found excitement, hope in your life. enjoy! i believe your radar is tuned for any real disasters coming your way. just relax, and trust in yourself and your past experiences and instincts to guide you. have fun!
tinke Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 by the way, it was good to hear that you were no longer attracted to your ex after some time and distance. i had read of that before....whew! i guess one of the beauties of n/c...to grow individually and have distance.
underpants Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Tor, I always have to repsond when I see your posts for some reason. Hey! You are little like me. 6'2", That's a tall drink of water. I know your story and well, sometimes we have to step in sh*t to learn to look where we are going. Believe me I have stepped in my fair share. How long have you and this tall fellow been dating? You are introspective enough to realize where your issues with trust are coming from. Is the damage your ex did to you permanent? I hope not, I don't think it has to be this way. Why let someone else and their problems have that much power over you (or me)? I am too stubborn for that. You have a no nonsence wisdom that shines through in your posts. A sage. I hope this new fellow recognizes this and proves to be all that you want as well as all that you don't want. You are wise to be a little careful. Sometimes I miss that girl in me that just blind trusted people. However, that girl got taken advantage of a lot. I am more cautious as I get older. Just take things slowly with this guy. Don't be afraid to communicate with him. I wouldn't talk all about your ex, but in time you could bring up key issues and see what his thoughts are. It sounds like you two are having fun and I am glad to hear that. Go on with your bad self, easy rider. Unders
Trialbyfire Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Take it slow and easy Tormented. Listen to your gut and stay alert through the honeymoon phase of your relationship. When the chemistry starts to settle down a little, you'll both relax from being on your best behaviour and then, you'll have the opportunity to sit back and gauge compatibility. For the honeymoon period though, don't forget to enjoy it. It's a fun time.
Author Tormented Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 Thanks, guys, for your encouraging words...very much appreciated. I agree that distrust isn't always the result of my personal issue, in fact, very often the cause for distrust is warranted. Oh boy DO I know! Was taught this hard lesson by the best - one I will never forget. But - in this case, I honestly do think it's my problem to deal with. Granted, I've only been seeing this man a little shy of 2 months but so far he has given me absolutely NO reason to distrust him. Basically, he's a straight shooter. Just says what's on his mind. If you ask him a question (regardless of how personal it is) he won't hesitate to tell you - and he holds nothing back. He seems more than willing to discuss any topic brought up, which I find refreshing because my ex was the complete opposite...tended to avoid "emotional" topics, claiming it made him uncomfortable. Well, when you're a lying, cheating dirt bag...you've got a lot to hide! It's not so much the "big" things he's done for me (buying snow tires, etc) as it is the small, thoughtful things that has softened my heart towards him. For example, last weekend when we went riding...it got late and I didn't want him riding home in the dark (he lives 2 hours away) when he was so tired. He agreed but insisted upon sleeping on the couch rather than crawling into my bed. He was showing me respect. Another example - when we awoke the next morning, he suggested riding into town for breakfast. When we were done with breakfast, we both stood up from the table and waited for him to lead the way out. He shook his head and said..."no, you don't walk behind me, you walk in front of me so everybody knows I'm with you." There are several little examples such as this that I can list...but I think you guys get the gist. He knows how to treat a woman...how to show them respect, and I'm really starting to fall for this guy as a result. Yes, it is in the early stages (the honeymoon phase), and everybody always puts their best foot forward during this time. And I know it will take some time to truly judge what type of man he REALLY is. ALL relationships start out "nice." But it's my deepest hope that he truly IS the man he seems to be, and if he is, it is my (desperate!) hope that I don't blow it with my trust issues. I can't even begin to express how WONDERFUL it is to awake in the morning excited about life again...to think of the man in my life with a smile instead of heartbreak. It's like - I'm ALIVE again, you know? The world seems to have more color in it. Things don't seem to bother me as much. I have a lot more patience with people. And for the first time in God knows how long...I'm not pretending to be happy - I AM happy. God, I feel like a giddy school girl! I wish I could post one of my "Harley shots" on here for you guys to see how much fun I was having. You'd get a laugh out of it...guaranteed! But I agree - I need to take this thing slowly and with caution. I honestly don't think I could make it through another heartbreak this soon after my ex. Oh - and speaking of my ex...he drove past me and Terry (the new man in my life), on the highway as we zipped by on the Harley...my arms wrapped tightly around Terry. I thought he was going to wreck his car glaring at us as we zoomed by. Gotta tell ya...did my heart some good that I planted a (unplanned) dagger in his when he saw us! Like they say...the best revenge is to move on to a happier life! ~T~
Trialbyfire Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 What a sweetheart! You're a lucky woman. It's the little considerate gestures that make the difference, especially when it's contrasted against your previous relationship.
Author Tormented Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 What a sweetheart! You're a lucky woman. It's the little considerate gestures that make the difference, especially when it's contrasted against your previous relationship. Boy...don't I know it! And here's the kicker...he keeps saying HE'S the lucky one! Yes, he is a sweetheart and I plan to hold on to this one if things work out as I hope. ~T~
Chinook Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Basically, he's a straight shooter. Just says what's on his mind. If you ask him a question (regardless of how personal it is) he won't hesitate to tell you - and he holds nothing back. He seems more than willing to discuss any topic brought up, which I find refreshing. and He agreed but insisted upon sleeping on the couch rather than crawling into my bed. He was showing me respect. Another example - when we awoke the next morning, he suggested riding into town for breakfast. When we were done with breakfast, we both stood up from the table and waited for him to lead the way out. He shook his head and said..."no, you don't walk behind me, you walk in front of me so everybody knows I'm with you." Hey lady It's nice to see you so happy and positive. I am really hoping this guy works out to be who he seems to be. I just want to add two points of caution on the two things above. I hate to seem like I'm being a party pooper but this is just my slightly different perspective. The ex who just dumped me a month ago was a perfect gentleman when we first started out. In fact, he still was very gentlemanly towards the end but there were the occasional things which would stand out which caused me to question things. For example, he never raised his voice to me but I heard him on the phone to his (supposed) ex wife and he was rude and abusive to her - so much so that it actually caused me to cry at the time because I've never been subjected to seeing that kind of thing. But it gave me a clear indication that he was capable of disrespect. I'm just pointing this out as an example - be mindful of indicators which indicate disrespect - those indicators may not be disrespect towards you. The thing about the infatuation stage in a relationship is it makes us incredibly selfish, in the respect that all we focus on is how we feel and how they make us feel. That's okay, it's normal but try to keep your eyes and ears aware of other things. Unfortunately I closed my eyes and ears to several early indicators which could have saved me heartbreak in the end. The second thing I want to caution you on is 'crash and burn' and the man who talks a lot. Sometimes, people are straight shooters and they divulge whatever information you need in order to meet your expectations. What I'm saying is, just because a guy can show his emotions and talk about how he feels, does not mean he is showing you who he is. The reason I know this is because this is exactly what I do. I talk and talk and talk. I tell a guy all there is to know about me, I don't hold back. But it's also a defense mechanism - kinda like a smoke screen. You give so much information, that you can't see the wood for the trees. It isn't apparent who the real person is. I would still say, take on board what he says...but actions and time will prove who he is, not what he says. As for the 'crash and burn' aspect... be wary of going through things way too quickly - it takes years to get to know someone well. Just because they talk to you and talk to you easily, doesn't mean that's who they are. My ex talked to me very easily in the beginning. Of course he did. But then as time went on, he withdrew and he didn't talk to me. I ended up asking questions and fearing abandonment and with good reason it would seem. HE created that situation. The final thing I would say to you is, be careful... guard your heart. Don't fall just yet and definitely don't tell him yet. You actually can control how you feel. Yes, it's fun and wonderful and you should enjoy it... but don't unleash it and let it go wild. Wild infatuation never leads any place nice. Let the fire of passion run it's course until the embers die to leave you with a warm glow. That's when you will know.
tinke Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 how long do you believe a honeymoon phase lasts? i am sure we all, as you, will have doubts when entering a new relationship. but that is what dating teaches us...we now have keen sensors to what we find unacceptable...you will pick up on any warning signs automatically. in the present....don't sabatoge having fun in your life! you know, 2 yrs. from now, if you hadn't dated, you may still be frightened by potential evil doers. be excited you have a new friend and enjoy the moment...the rest will fall into play.
underpants Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 Boy...don't I know it! And here's the kicker...he keeps saying HE'S the lucky one! ~T~ He is the lucky one.... and don't ever let him forget it.
Author Tormented Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 The ex who just dumped me a month ago was a perfect gentleman when we first started out. In fact, he still was very gentlemanly towards the end but there were the occasional things which would stand out which caused me to question things. The second thing I want to caution you on is 'crash and burn' and the man who talks a lot. Sometimes, people are straight shooters and they divulge whatever information you need in order to meet your expectations. What I'm saying is, just because a guy can show his emotions and talk about how he feels, does not mean he is showing you who he is. You speak the truth, Chinook. And that's what makes it so difficult in the beginning of a relationship. How do you know, I mean REALLY know if your "new" beau is who he is portraying himself to be. Because, when you really think about it - any trait or behavior displayed could warrant a red flag, depending upon one's point of view or past experiences. Example... If a man or woman is very pleasant, goes out of his or her way to show you respect and courtesy, and seems very mild-mannered...could fall under suspicion for hidden hostility/anger, selfishness, or even violent. If he is open to discuss any topic that arises, more than willing to answer any and all questions...could be interpreted as one who is only paying lip service to fetch your interest/trust/heart...only to clam up later when he is satisfied he gained the above. On the flip side...if he begins the relationship somewhat quiet and reserved, hesitant to discuss certain topics or reluctant to answer certain questions...then he could easily be dubbed a "player" who has a checkered past to hide. See what I mean? I could list several examples here, but I think you get my drift. It's a risk...ALL relationship are a risk in the beginning because we are left to make a choice as to whether this person is who he SEEMS to be at face value or not. If you choose to accept him for what he appears to be - only to discover later (much later and AFTER we've become involved), that the person he pretended to be is nothing more than a phantom, then we face heartbreak. BUT - if we choose to decline taking the risk, then we could have missed the chance with a wonderful person who really is what he claimed to be. Take NO risks, and you truly do lose because you face a long future alone. And it makes it that much more difficult when you've got trust issues - which I most certainly do! For example, he was late calling tonight (he's out of town right now on business), and said he fell asleep shortly after returning to his hotel room. Said he awoke and decided to call me....as he has done every night. I forced myself to sound enthused despite the fact that my "red flags" were waving in full, vivid color. I immediately wondered if he was telling me the truth...if in fact he was out with the "boys" chasing women. Ridiculous, I know. But after what my ex put me through (as well as others in the past), I couldn't help it no matter how hard I tried to push it away. I was very pleasant, but I cut our conversation short. I've no doubt he wonders why I seemed somewhat distant and anxious to get off the phone as this is in contrast to how I usually respond when he calls. This is absolutely horrible and I honest to God fear that I'm damaged goods...permanently! How in God's name am I going to rid myself of this little "problem." Because if I don't, I can pretty much kiss any future relationships goodbye. I do agree with you, however, about taking things slow. I fully plan to do just that, because really, it's the ONLY way to assure he is who he says he is, to safeguard my heart. Honestly, I just need to lighten up some and enjoy our time together. If I can do that, hopefully the rest will take care of itself. Thank you for your words of wisdom, Chinook. ~T~
Trialbyfire Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 No tormented, you're not damaged goods. What you are is a lot wiser and far more cautious. Not such bad traits. There's no need to rush something through if it's to be a lasting relationship. Take your time and build your trust foundations, one brick at a time. Investing fully in someone you barely know is asking for it up the wazoo.
Author Tormented Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 how long do you believe a honeymoon phase lasts? The time varies depending upon who you ask or what article you read. The popular answer to this seems to be 6 months to a year, but I think it all depends upon the couple. i am sure we all, as you, will have doubts when entering a new relationship. but that is what dating teaches us...we now have keen sensors to what we find unacceptable...you will pick up on any warning signs automatically. in the present....don't sabatoge having fun in your life! And there it is...."sabatoge." Exactly what I fear I will do if I don't get a grip on my trust issues. I had absolutely NO idea how much damage I took in the relationship with my ex...until now. I've dated since the breakup with my ex, but nothing serious. But it's different with this guy. He's the first man to capture my interest since my ex, and if things go well, I can see myself falling for him...and that scares the hell out of me!!! be excited you have a new friend and enjoy the moment...the rest will fall into play. That's my desire, actually...to just lighten up and enjoy it. Because if I don't, this "relationship" doesn't stand a chance. Nor will any future ones. Without trust, you've got nothing. *sigh* ~T~
Author Tormented Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 He is the lucky one.... and don't ever let him forget it. Awww...thanx, Undies! What in God's name would I do without this community and the beautiful people who "live" here? ~T~
Author Tormented Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 No tormented, you're not damaged goods. What you are is a lot wiser and far more cautious. I pray that you're right on this, Trial. I hope it truly IS wisdom and NOT paranoia that's driving me here. I do agree that only a fool would throw caution to the wind when it comes to relationships, but I also need to bare in mind that not ALL men are lying, cheating dogs as my ex was. I guess it's just a matter of giving it proper time and see what develops. But WHY am I so damn frightened by this? Not such bad traits. There's no need to rush something through if it's to be a lasting relationship. Take your time and build your trust foundations, one brick at a time. Investing fully in someone you barely know is asking for it up the wazoo. Amen to that! My ex and I rushed into our relationship. Or should I say....HE rushed it. Looking back, I realize now that he smothered me, wouldn't give me the time or space to re-think becoming involved with him. And I think he did it because he feared that I would back out after doing so. God knows the red flags were there, but I just got so caught up in the whirl-wind effect of it and got royally SCREWED as a result. NEVER AGAIN. ~T~
Trialbyfire Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Sweetie, just take your time. I always relate men who rush or pressure me, as similar to car salesman. Please don't push me into buying another lemon. Now relax and enjoy it. You know your red flags. Believe in yourself but don't forget to analyze the situation. If it's a 20 foot red flag, there's no doubt. If it's a little red flag, is it worth making an issue over or should you put that tiny flag aside and keep watching for more? You know your stuff. Once again, believe in your instincts.
Nemo Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Now relax and enjoy it. These days, women are expected to put in some of the work.
Trialbyfire Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 These days, women are expected to put in some of the work. Far better than in the past where the woman was considered the custodian of all things emotional and 100% responsible for holding it together. It would be nice if there were other men who felt the same way as you do, men who realize that they need to put in their 50%, or it's not going to happen.
Nemo Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 It would be nice if there were other men who felt the same way as you do, men who realize that they need to put in their 50%, or it's not going to happen. Calm down, woman. I never agreed to 50%. I can put in 100% of 40%, though. That's a pretty good deal. Oh, and I will take out the trash. I don't expect a female to shoulder any of my crap.
Trialbyfire Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Calm down, woman. I never agreed to 50%. I can put in 100% of 40%, though. That's a pretty good deal. Oh, and I will take out the trash. I don't expect a female to shoulder any of my crap. Have you considered 125% of 40%? Of course the trash is your burden to bear.
Nemo Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Have you considered 125% of 40%? Of course the trash is your burden to bear. You're trying to trick me. I've heard about you smart babes. Trouble - nothing but trouble. Anyway, I know that I can't give more than 100%. I tried it once, and I think I broke something.
tinke Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 tormented try to keep in mind that not only NEW romantic relationships are there risks..but, also..any relationship, (frienship, marriage, etc.) surely, we need relationships. it may help to look at this new begining just as a new "fun" rapport, and just float on the idea and let it take you where it does. no expectations. for now, look at this as your fun time and enjoy the company...that's it! it sure beats moping around with dreary thoughts. of course you have worries, concerns...but trust your instincts (lessons learned) to guide you. try not to over- analyze the new friendship. breathe! it has to feel great to hear yourself laugh again, feel excitement again. just enjoy the new you.
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