Meaplus3 Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I know there have been a number of thread's about the temptation to tell the wife. What I am wondering here is for the OW who's ea or pa ended were you tempted to rat out mm? If so for what reason's and for how long after you ea or pa or both ended? (keep in mind that my xmm lives in the house nextdoor to mine and I see him and W on a daily basis). AP:)
Mino Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 For me it has not gone away, this feeling, I had it all planned out about 6-7 weeks ago. Through all the debates here, i decided to hold off. I know when I was flipping out, it was a reaction to my pain. I made a choice of waiting to see how I feel in time. meaning I would not react. I always say the day may still come. but its not so intense anymore. If the day ever comes, I do know that it was 100% thought through. You should wait, the right answer will come to you in "Time"
GreenEyedLady Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I never felt the urge to "rat" him out...Sometimes R's work out and sometimes they don't...No need to be vengeful... I suspect that until one accepts the way it is, the obsession will not end...
Author Meaplus3 Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 For me it has not gone away, this feeling, I had it all planned out about 6-7 weeks ago. Through all the debates here, i decided to hold off. I know when I was flipping out, it was a reaction to my pain. I made a choice of waiting to see how I feel in time. meaning I would not react. I always say the day may still come. but its not so intense anymore. If the day ever comes, I do know that it was 100% thought through. You should wait, the right answer will come to you in "Time" Thank's Mino for your thought's. I agree with the time thing but I so struggle with the day to day's of seeing him just sitting there like Mr. perfect stud muffin with the W like nothing ever occured, S*** it that tough or what? I know I was in the wrong to get involved but geesh um! The mm act's like such a saint and I have to see it! For as long as I have been here on LS there's only one other member that I feel can even relate to the torture of having mm residing beside you., yes FF that's you! I know MOVE you all say! Yes I agree, but H say's NO! so that's that for now! Darn this is so TOUGH! AP:)
Mino Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I know what you mean, I go to work everyday, our offices are side by side. I see him talking to the guys ,carry on, while I am dying inside. I have been managing the act at work only to fall apart when i get home, days off are a torture, But what can I do, I am a sp, have a great income, been there 15 years, cant just throw that all away. So I take one day at a time, thats all we can do, and hope tomorrow will not hurt as much as today did.....
Author Meaplus3 Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 I know what you mean, I go to work everyday, our offices are side by side. I see him talking to the guys ,carry on, while I am dying inside. I have been managing the act at work only to fall apart when i get home, days off are a torture, But what can I do, I am a sp, have a great income, been there 15 years, cant just throw that all away. So I take one day at a time, thats all we can do, and hope tomorrow will not hurt as much as today did..... Mino, Yes! Let's try and believe that tomarrow will be a better day! I really think that working with xmm and living nextdoor has to be the ultimate torture for the OW! I do sooooo good someday's when I don't look over there, however on other day's well S*** I just can't help myself. It's like filling the house with sweet's when some one in the house is trying to lose weight. To Tempting! AP:)
norajane Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I think, based on what I've read of your story, you don't feel validated somehow...like you need someone to acknowledge that your relationship with MM was 'real' and had an impact on MM. But his being able to just carry on with his life as though nothing happened, seems to invalidate what you know was real. So your urge to tell his W is more of a desire to get that acknowledgment. But you think he'd be able to convince her that you are making too much of it, and that nothing really happened and that you were the one who instigated it and you are the one who was overly flirtatious, blah blah blah...so you won't really get the validation you seek if you tell her. You'll stop wanting to tell her when you stop caring about him. I know you say you don't, but you still care to be acknowledged for the place you had in his life for a while.
Author Meaplus3 Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 I think, based on what I've read of your story, you don't feel validated somehow...like you need someone to acknowledge that your relationship with MM was 'real' and had an impact on MM. But his being able to just carry on with his life as though nothing happened, seems to invalidate what you know was real. So your urge to tell his W is more of a desire to get that acknowledgment. But you think he'd be able to convince her that you are making too much of it, and that nothing really happened and that you were the one who instigated it and you are the one who was overly flirtatious, blah blah blah...so you won't really get the validation you seek if you tell her. You'll stop wanting to tell her when you stop caring about him. I know you say you don't, but you still care to be acknowledged for the place you had in his life for a while. YES! Right on! Darn how do I shake these feeling's? AP:)
Mino Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I dont think he could lie his way out if I stood at the door, 3 years later, there is alot of PROOF he could not DENY, no matter how good he talked:rolleyes:
Mino Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 XMM usually comes into my office everyday, I do see the pain in his eyes, I do know he suffers too, I guess that is what kept me from going through with my plan for now.
Author Meaplus3 Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 XMM usually comes into my office everyday, I do see the pain in his eyes, I do know he suffers too, I guess that is what kept me from going through with my plan for now. Your Strong Mino! I think my Xmm is involed in the work place. He's a director of social work and work's with all woman. AP:)
norajane Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 YES! Right on! Darn how do I shake these feeling's? AP:) I don't know. I guess it works the same as we always tell people whose lovers break up with them - you have to find your own closure within yourself because that's the only kind that matters. You have to be the one to put it ALL behind you and say "Done".
Author Meaplus3 Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 I don't know. I guess it works the same as we always tell people whose lovers break up with them - you have to find your own closure within yourself because that's the only kind that matters. You have to be the one to put it ALL behind you and say "Done". Thank's Nora, makes Perfect sense! AP:)
STAR001 Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I Am Still Involved With And Seriously Contemplating Leaving My Mm. He Told Me A Couple Weeks Ago That His W Found Some Info On Me And To Deny It If She Confronts Me. But I Dont Think I Can. I Want Her To Know The Whole Truth About Us. But That Wont Solve Anything If I Told Her Will It?
PoshPrincess Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 My exMMs W found out about us, although she doesn't know the full story and has no idea that we were still seeing each other after DDay. However, I have NEVER been tempted. The reason? Because I wouldn't want to hurt his W anymore than I (or should I say, we) already have. As far as I see it, there are only two real reasons for telling the W (1) out of revenge - to hurt him as much as he has hurt us; or (2) thinking that she will then kick him to the curb and he will be ours. Yep, revenge sure would be sweet so I can see why the temptation would be there. I, like you AP and Mino, hate the fact that my life was in tatters while MM carried on as if nothing had happened, living his life exactly as it was before, but I love him and DO respect him enough not to try getting my own back. Telling, thinking that he will be mine, would've been plain ridiculous. The majority of MMs would not thank us for doing this, particularly not a decent one (using the term decent very loosely - before I get bashed by anyone - I know, they're are MM cheating on their W, they're not 'decent' whatever!) as we would be hurting not only their W, but their kids too (if there are any). I'm sorry, yes, the BS DOES have a right to know but any OW/OM who says that is their reason for telling them is kidding themselves! Don't get me wrong; if she confronted me now and asked me to tell her the truth, I would do so, although I don't think she really wants to know anyway.
LivingMyDreams Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I think if a person feels compelled to contact the H/W of the person they're having an A with they need to really step back and do some serious head clearing. Speaking from my own experience, I went into this with eyes wide open. I always knew exactly what my place was here, and because of that I've never felt a need to compete and win. At no time have I considered contacting her in any way, for any reason. Why do that? What would be the goal? Maybe she'd toss his behind out and he'd come running to you? You want to see him at rock bottom? That'll somehow make you feel better? I'll deal with the last one right now. Your feelings are NOT his responsibility. YOU are responsible for how you feel and how you deal with it. It's not his job to make you feel better, to validate you and your feelings in some way. Only you can do that effectively. She's contacted me many times. Blocks her number so that it comes in as "Private", except one time she didn't block her cell number. It's now saved in my phone book. I won't even dignify that, so she goes to voicemail. She's sent me text messages by going through his Sprint account so that it looks like him. She doesn't know that text messages from a computer are very easily distinguished from those sent from a phone. And she spells certain words wrong that he spells right...dead giveaway anyway. None of this bothers me because of my attitude. He and I both have separate but related businesses; she is half owner of his. Never had an interest in any of his businesses, but had sworn she would show up at a meeting he held a couple of weeks ago where he was speaking. I guess she thought I wouldn't go. What a silly thought! I always go to these meetings. I had no issue with this and told him to let her know what she needed to bring with her. The morning of the meeting she "got sick" and didn't make it that night. What a shock. We have another one tonight. I'll be there, as always. She's more than welcome to join us all. Why shouldn't she be welcome? She's been messing with her kids heads since before I came into the picture; even worse now since. A few weeks ago, she informed him that she'd stop f***ing with their heads and f*** with mine instead (her words). When she found that she couldn't mess with my head she went back to messing with the kids. So I really don't want to hear about the "innocent spouse" crap. My attitude is I don't care what folks who don't know me think of me. She's no treasure. Even her own mother has ripped her apart, told her that it's no surprise he found someone else. So, I've never had an attitude of compete and win. I have my relationship with him, we have a blast together no matter what we do, I don't wait for him to fit me into his schedule. I own my feelings and my life. Why give the spouse or the lover power they don't have?
Author Meaplus3 Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 I think if a person feels compelled to contact the H/W of the person they're having an A with they need to really step back and do some serious head clearing. Speaking from my own experience, I went into this with eyes wide open. I always knew exactly what my place was here, and because of that I've never felt a need to compete and win. At no time have I considered contacting her in any way, for any reason. Why do that? What would be the goal? Maybe she'd toss his behind out and he'd come running to you? You want to see him at rock bottom? That'll somehow make you feel better? I'll deal with the last one right now. Your feelings are NOT his responsibility. YOU are responsible for how you feel and how you deal with it. It's not his job to make you feel better, to validate you and your feelings in some way. Only you can do that effectively. She's contacted me many times. Blocks her number so that it comes in as "Private", except one time she didn't block her cell number. It's now saved in my phone book. I won't even dignify that, so she goes to voicemail. She's sent me text messages by going through his Sprint account so that it looks like him. She doesn't know that text messages from a computer are very easily distinguished from those sent from a phone. And she spells certain words wrong that he spells right...dead giveaway anyway. None of this bothers me because of my attitude. He and I both have separate but related businesses; she is half owner of his. Never had an interest in any of his businesses, but had sworn she would show up at a meeting he held a couple of weeks ago where he was speaking. I guess she thought I wouldn't go. What a silly thought! I always go to these meetings. I had no issue with this and told him to let her know what she needed to bring with her. The morning of the meeting she "got sick" and didn't make it that night. What a shock. We have another one tonight. I'll be there, as always. She's more than welcome to join us all. Why shouldn't she be welcome? She's been messing with her kids heads since before I came into the picture; even worse now since. A few weeks ago, she informed him that she'd stop f***ing with their heads and f*** with mine instead (her words). When she found that she couldn't mess with my head she went back to messing with the kids. So I really don't want to hear about the "innocent spouse" crap. My attitude is I don't care what folks who don't know me think of me. She's no treasure. Even her own mother has ripped her apart, told her that it's no surprise he found someone else. So, I've never had an attitude of compete and win. I have my relationship with him, we have a blast together no matter what we do, I don't wait for him to fit me into his schedule. I own my feelings and my life. Why give the spouse or the lover power they don't have? Thank's so much for sharing your thought's. I think I will retrain my thinking a bit here. From now on when I see the two of them together I will just remember That mm's w is not the lucky one here! She's married to a cheating son of B******, lucky her! AP:)
LivingMyDreams Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Don't let anyone else dictate your attitude or how you react. She may choose to not look at certain things, but I guarantee you she knows what she has next to her in the bed. Don't let him take up too many of your brain cells daily. You need those for dealing with your kids! My guy and I leave on Saturday for a long-planned three-week vacation. I've never been overseas, so this should be lots of fun. He's really looking forward to escorting me around and showing me places he's been to before. Neither of us have been to Turkey, so we'll both be completely new to the culture and experience. Germany and Israel are really what he's looking forward to watching me experience. Until then, I'll be running around and spending time with my girls, having girl fun. Maybe I'll take them to the outlets in Kittery, Maine today or tomorrow! Answer, if it's not fun it's not worth doing. Go and do something really fun for yourself today!
Author Meaplus3 Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 Don't let anyone else dictate your attitude or how you react. She may choose to not look at certain things, but I guarantee you she knows what she has next to her in the bed. Don't let him take up too many of your brain cells daily. You need those for dealing with your kids! My guy and I leave on Saturday for a long-planned three-week vacation. I've never been overseas, so this should be lots of fun. He's really looking forward to escorting me around and showing me places he's been to before. Neither of us have been to Turkey, so we'll both be completely new to the culture and experience. Germany and Israel are really what he's looking forward to watching me experience. Until then, I'll be running around and spending time with my girls, having girl fun. Maybe I'll take them to the outlets in Kittery, Maine today or tomorrow! Answer, if it's not fun it's not worth doing. Go and do something really fun for yourself today! She may choose to not look at certain things Ignoring the fact that your H is a low life cheating dog is a pretty big thing to ignore. She must be desperate! Living, your trip sound's so exciting. I will be going on vacation next week and I'm looking forward to it big time! We always's have so much fun with the kid's at the Ocean. I will take your advice and do something extra fun today, like letting a big weed loose on Xmm's lawn, LOLOLOl (kidding ofcourse) Thank's for your encouragement. AP:)
Meranna Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I will take your advice and do something extra fun today, like letting a big weed loose on Xmm's lawn, LOLOL This made me laugh so hard!! It reminds me of the time my ex H and I had an argument before we finally split. I had decided it would have been best for me to get out of the house and stay with my mom that night, before I left I snatched the remote to the only tv we had at the time. It was harmful but it made me feel sooooo much better. When I returned home the tv was still on the same channel!! Knowing how men are about their lawns only makes that funnier!
Meranna Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 As for telling the W? If she came to me and asked me directly I wouldn't lie. On the other hand, I don't feel it is my place to seek her out and tell her. Why would I want to hurt her or her children by doing that? I would feel selfish and vindictive if I told her just to make myself feel better.
TogetherForever Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I know there have been a number of thread's about the temptation to tell the wife. What I am wondering here is for the OW who's ea or pa ended were you tempted to rat out mm? If so for what reason's and for how long after you ea or pa or both ended? (keep in mind that my xmm lives in the house nextdoor to mine and I see him and W on a daily basis). AP:) IMO, That temptation one feels to tell the bs will not go away until the bs is told by either the ws or the ow.
stillafool Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I've never been an OW or a BS. I'm just curious why is the feeling to tell the W so overwhelming? I would be afraid she might hurt me.
East of Jupiter Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 She's been messing with her kids heads since before I came into the picture; even worse now since. A few weeks ago, she informed him that she'd stop f***ing with their heads and f*** with mine instead (her words). When she found that she couldn't mess with my head she went back to messing with the kids. So I really don't want to hear about the "innocent spouse" crap. My attitude is I don't care what folks who don't know me think of me. She's no treasure. Even her own mother has ripped her apart, told her that it's no surprise he found someone else. So, I've never had an attitude of compete and win. I have my relationship with him, we have a blast together no matter what we do, I don't wait for him to fit me into his schedule. I own my feelings and my life. Why give the spouse or the lover power they don't have? I do think you have the right attitude. It is your MM's responsibility to handle his family. But I am left with questions. 1. If his wife is so crazy that is messing with the kids' head, what does that make the MM? Is he not involved and making sure his kids are taken care of well by their mother? If this situation is such torture to his wife that she is lashing out at the kids, what is he doing about it? 2. Along the same lines, his affair and this mess he has created has or will cause his children lifelong trauma. What does this say about this man? Shouldn't he be taking care of his business to minimize the pain inflicted on everyone? 3. Are you a close friend or do you get all of the negative information about his wife from him? 4. Why the anger towards the BW? What specifically has she done to you (other than in response to your affair with her husband) personally other than being married to the object of your desires?
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