Cassie76 Posted July 24, 2007 Share Posted July 24, 2007 Hello everyone. Here's my story. I married my husband 2.5 years ago and then we moved across the country away from my family and closer to his. I didn't mind any of this since I've wanted to move from that area for awhile. We lived together for about almost a year before we got married and dated for about 2 after we met at work. He quit his job shortly after moving in with me and didn't work until we moved out here. In getting married and moving out here he was going thru severe depression and swore to me that he would be employed from here on out upon the move. He worked for 8 months and the second I found a good paying job out here he quit his, which was January 06 and hasn't worked since. He's claiming he's sick all the time which is why he just wants to hang around the house. I just can't take this anymore and don't know what to do. I have actually become disgusted with him. He barely showers, complains about being the "housewife" although he does nothing to change this, swears he's sick all the time and refuses to work. I keep finding him little jobs to do that he will get paid for and his response to the last one was that it would be a 40 hour work week and that would be too much. I can't even talk to him anymore. And I've gotten involved in an emotional affair, although I didn't know those existed till today. I am just at such a loss right now. Anytime we talk about it, him not working or anything to do with us it's me trying to change him or control him. I just want him to have a job and now I feel it's too late. We are going to talk about it tonight and I feel like I just need space and time right now because he's let me down so much, if an emergency comes up during the day I end up taking time from work to take care of it because he's too busy. Am I going about this the wrong way? Being extreme? Link to post Share on other sites
singlecanadianmom Posted July 24, 2007 Share Posted July 24, 2007 Hi Cassie. Based on my own experience of doing for and giving too much to others, I would say that this cycle has to stop somewhere. You are "overfunctioning" (psyco babble term for doing everything for someone else including taking care of their emotional life). This allows him to get stuck in the underfunctioning role. If it were me, I would be clear on the fact that I can not continue in the relationship like this unless something changes. It seems that he is probably going through some kind of depression and needs some professional help. I would advise that either he alone or you two together should see if you can access counselling somewhere so he gets the help he needs. If he is unwilling to seek help, it sounds like you can't be truly happy in this situation, so you need to be strong and get out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cassie76 Posted July 24, 2007 Author Share Posted July 24, 2007 I have tried talking to him about it and I have been telling him this for months and back in April that things need to change, he needs to go into therapy, which he just started, and absolutely MUST get a job by the time the lease is up on where we are living, October. He told one of his family members that he will start looking for a job in September. He's very resentful when I go out with friends (which has been once in 3 years) and now throws it up at me all the time. Yes he has had some medical problems for awhile now and yes he is very depressed. I've just gotten so drained. When I come home from work I keep expecting to either find he's moved out OR that he's killed himself because those are the two things he brings up the most. I do love him don't get me wrong but I'm just at my wits end with nobody to talk to since my only friend moved. And the only other person I have to talk to about this is his cousins husband who is going through the same thing with his wife. We are supposed to talk about all of this tonight and I just don't know how to remain calm and handle this in a rational matter or even if separating for right now, because I don't want a divorce, is the right way to go. I just can't think right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cassie76 Posted July 24, 2007 Author Share Posted July 24, 2007 Also, he's into having sex with other people. When things were okay with us this actually didn't really bother me but now that there are problems I don't think it's a good idea, he feels that we should to boost his self esteem. Either way I know this is a bad idea but still wanted to add that to the story. Also I can never seem to do any of the housework right, I load the dishwasher, it's done wrong, I do the laundry, it needs to be redone because I didn't use the additive. He is older than me by 8 years, I'm 31 and he's 39. His own family told me that they love me and having me around and that I'm more than welcome to come around but they don't like him and everytime he goes over there there's a scene and so he is not welcome. He's not aware of all this and really I just found out. I've come to look at his family as my family. He's encouraged me to have a relationship with his family and then gets mad when they like me. I suppose I'm not only looking for advice but a bit of comfort or a kick in the a%* if needed. Link to post Share on other sites
singlecanadianmom Posted July 24, 2007 Share Posted July 24, 2007 Wooooowww Waaiiit a second, you say he's into sleeping with other people and that he thinks that you should continue to do this to boost his self esteem? What about yours? From a woman's point of view I can't really imagine that the behavior does you any good. It seems pretty clear that he is manipulating you with threats of moving out, or suicide etc. If you truly think he is at risk for suicide, phone your local help-line (if there is one) and ask their advice or turn it over to 911, but don't take all this on yourself. You do not have to stay miserable so he doesn't hurt himself. My guess is that the threats of suicide are ways to keep dragging you back in. The fact that his own family doesn't like him is a big red flag right there. Here is a touch of comfort along with a kick in the a%, so here goes: It sounds like you are a sweet giving person who cares more about him than yourself but he is manipulating and emotionally abusing you. Stop allowing it. You have put up with too much and he needs to feel that you are going to follow through and leave if things truly do not change. You deserve better! You are still young (no mention of kids) so why would you want to keep yourself attached to this emotional leech? Link to post Share on other sites
ARDriver01 Posted July 24, 2007 Share Posted July 24, 2007 Hey, go to counseling. Get out of your emotional affair right now. He might be a lazy worthless whatever but he definately doesn't deserve that. Don't paint yourself black by making a very, VERY big mistake. I really wouldn't do seperation. Seperation is not for you. I don't think you have the willpower to be on your own and married. He needs to step up and be a man. Handle his wife and stop whining (I'm not a good spellar). Seriously though, hang in there. Maybe put the pressure on him so that he'll have to work. Be creative. It's still worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
ARDriver01 Posted July 24, 2007 Share Posted July 24, 2007 Also, he's into having sex with other people. When things were okay with us this actually didn't really bother me but now that there are problems I don't think it's a good idea. Wow. Nevermind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cassie76 Posted July 24, 2007 Author Share Posted July 24, 2007 Well as far as the emotional will power, I like talking to the other guy, who really at this moment is a friend, but I also realize that the only reason we talk is because we are in the same situation. I have made it very, very clear to him that if I were to separate from my H there is no way that I would be remotely involved with him. It would be MY time to think and sort my life out and he would just confuse the issue. As far as leaving him goes. No we don't have any kids just a lot of pets, most of whom I brought to the marriage. I didn't find out about his family not liking him until this past Saturday. I think one of his cousins suspects that I want a separation even though I haven't actually talked to her about it because she sent me a message today telling me that as far as the conversation tonight that she's worried about his emotional state. He literally has no where to go if we do separate, he can't afford the rent for the house that we are renting. He's in counseling right now and I have a feeling that he'll bring up marriage counselling, which I think is a good idea but as of right now I just feel like I am being smothered to death and perhaps a separation would be a good thing right now. As far as the sex thing...it's warped reasoning on his part. Not making excuses for him because you really can't imagine how mad I got but it's not the first time he's brought something up that didn't make any sense. I have no clue how to go about the separation thing or even if we should stay together during the counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
singlecanadianmom Posted July 24, 2007 Share Posted July 24, 2007 As for the conversation tonight and being worried about his emotional state, is it possible to have someone else near-by when you talk to him? Does this mean he could be a danger to you as well as himself? Could you put it to him like this - We have talked about this since April and things don't seem to be getting better so I need to take some time by myself to take care of me. ? Without using the words divorce or separation. As for him having nowhere to go if you separate, is this really your job to take care of? Are you his mother? He's 38 years old and should learn to take care of himself, maybe this would give him incentive to get out and work. Is he really sick or disabled or is this just his way of being taken care of by you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cassie76 Posted July 24, 2007 Author Share Posted July 24, 2007 You are right there, I is me trying to take care of him in trying to find him a place to go, it's not my problem. His emotional state: He went to his cousins house today to drop something off and told them that he couldn't stay there because he wanted to go home and cry and that he just felt uncomfortable there. I don't know if he was trying to get sympathy from them or if he expected them to contact me after he left. I don't think he'd hurt me, I'm pretty darn sure of that but I don't know if he would hurt himself. I don't know of anyone that could be there during the talk. No he's not really or disabled, he just plays that card everyday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cassie76 Posted July 24, 2007 Author Share Posted July 24, 2007 He will bring up divorcing, he always does. Link to post Share on other sites
singlecanadianmom Posted July 24, 2007 Share Posted July 24, 2007 It seems like you are starting to leave that place called denial and get stronger. Take it from me, it feels good when you start to take more control of your own life. It looks to me like he is trying to get sympathy from whoever will give it. Does his family really hate him, or would they support him if he needed it? Maybe it's time for you to turn some of the responsibility over to someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cassie76 Posted July 24, 2007 Author Share Posted July 24, 2007 No they don't truly hate him, just dislike him, except his cousins wife who he's friends with. I've tried to get their help in the past to no avail. I've been slowly coming out of denial for awhile now its just taken me so time and it's so hard to think about it when he's having one of his good days. I'm also feeling very resentful and I wish I didn't. It doesn't help matters at all. Sometimes I think I need to be committed since I seem to be loosing my mind. I've been emailing with a cousin of his today who is concerned but I don't think will really do anything. They are like that. the reason I am getting messages today from his cousin is to keep me in the loop because of everything that happened Saturday. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 I'm sorry, but I just don't understand why you're having trouble making a decision on this. The guy doesn't work. He sleeps around. What the hell are YOU getting out of this relationship? You've got less than 3 years invested in the marriage. You're only 31. Do you still want to be this guy's "mommy" when you're 41? ..or 51? RUN, girl! Seriously, grab your dogs, cats, and goldfish... and beat feet. Get an attorney as soon as you get where you're going and file divorce. I guarantee he'll either get a job BEFORE September or starve. If it were me, I'd be hard-pressed to care which at this point. Damn. Who does this guy think he is anyway??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cassie76 Posted July 25, 2007 Author Share Posted July 25, 2007 Well we didn't exactly talk about everything last night but had a mini discussion. He swears he's going to clean up and get a job and do some serious changes, one of which is moving up his next therapy appointment. He says he's trying, I just don't believe him right now. I'm thinking of taking a me vacation to just think about things because I haven't been able to just think. He told me that he was going to kill himself the other night but he didn't and that obviously he's getting better if he didn't. I need to figure things out for myself and he's been keeping me off kilter for awhile now that I am just confused. No I don't want to be his mommy for the rest of my life. That's part of what I need to think about he asked me last night if I am making plans to leave him. No I'm not making plans but I am thinking about it. I didn't tell him that last night since he was crying and I am concerned about his mental state, he has been really off balance lately. I actually work in law so I could do it on my own with some advice from friends. As far as the sleeping around thing, it's group sex with me there, not really my cup of tea and I had experimented with it before we were married with him but not since. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 He told me that he was going to kill himself the other night but he didn't and that obviously he's getting better if he didn't. That's emotional blackmail. Next time he threatens suicide, call the cops. A 72-hour stint at the local Laughing Academy might cure him of his threats. If you're uncertain as to how serious he is... call a suicide prevention hotline and get some tips on dealing with him effectively. I've got no patience for people who threaten suicide in order to get their way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cassie76 Posted July 25, 2007 Author Share Posted July 25, 2007 He's always telling me after the fact, that he's thought about it this time or another time. I've been toying around with the idea of calling his therapist about it but he's just started to see him and tonight is his second appointment with her. I do not respond well to threats, he knows that and I've told him to stop with the suicide threats or it will drive me away and I will leave. It makes me really mad and resentful now the frist couple of times I was bothered now I've just become indifferent. He is getting a prescription tonight to an anti-depressant tonight, hopefully that will help. I'm just now on the fence about separating. Should I give him time to have the meds work? If so how much time? I'm still going to take a me vacation to think about things regardless. Probably this Friday. Link to post Share on other sites
singlecanadianmom Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 I think you should definitely contact his therapist with your concerns. It is their job to assess the real risk of suicide. She may also be able to give you some advice on how to handle these threats. As for the anti-depressants they are no miracle cure. Sometimes can take a few weeks to a month to kick in. Stop worrying about what is best for him and start taking care of yourself. If you need to leave for your own sanity then go! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cassie76 Posted July 25, 2007 Author Share Posted July 25, 2007 But it's my nature. I have as many animals as I have because I take in any stray or animal in need that comes along (5 cats, 2 dogs, 2 lizards, 2 birds and a fish (we just lost one of our fish)). But I will think about all this, because as I said I haven't really had any time to think, thank goodness I have such an understanding boss let me tell you. And I will get back to you and let you know what happens. I will be contacting his therapist and let her know my concerns. I know it takes awhile to get meds right, my grandma was bi-polar and it took up to a year to sort that all out. Link to post Share on other sites
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