Follow-up to How could this happen so soon - slight change of tune

[singlecanadianmom]

Excuse the slightly rambling message that follows. After a lengthy counseling session last night I am feeling slightly more positive.

Thank you everyone for your advice and support. I do feel stronger than I ever imagined I could be. My son has now become the priority in my life. He makes me want to be a better, stronger person so he grows up emotionally healthy.

I am realizing more and more through counselling and on my own that this is mostly SO's issue but that it takes two to tango. Of course we have all made mistakes in relationships and must take responsibility for that. I made my mistakes before we were married - although I did not f*** the person, I did go outside the relationship (neglected to mention that before: guess there are 3 sides to every story - his, hers and the truth). I know that this does not excuse his behavior as there is supposed to be a different level of commitment once you are married.

One of the most valuable things I have learned through reading and counselling is to look at affairs as a signal that there is something seriously wrong in the relationship. (I know some of you are probably thinking no S***t! - but sometimes we miss the obvious in our hurt). Not that the behavior is ok, because it never is! But if you take it away from the personal hurt it causes, you can see that it is a big huge red flag.

I wish when I had strayed, that instead of him just accepting it and trying to forget it, that we had gone to counselling to take a real look at what was wrong in the relationship, before we got married, before we had a child.

Now I realize that I created a "self" out of my relationship with this person. I put everything into giving, giving, giving, never demanding, or even asking for anything back. Of course this was not satisfying for me, but I couldn't stop myself, because I wanted so badly to feel love back. Interestingly I realize now, that when this happens in a relationship, the "taker" feels truly unsatisfied too. Who can feel good about themself when they take, take, take?

Anyway, excuse the rambling but I am making sense of this as I write.

I guess what I am truly taking from this is that I need certain things in a relationship and in future with or without him I will not settle for any less.

As for melovator's point about not being able to work it out while he is F***ing her. Absolutely! This is my challenge right now, do I believe that he has ended it as he says he has? We have an excellent counsellor who has reminded me that my going to counselling by no means obligates me to stay in the marriage, work it out etc. He has said that clearly, SO's behavior toward me (not just the cheating) needs to change. If he is truly committed, I will see true change and willingness to acknowledge the wrong he has done and true desire to make it better. If it is ever going to work, we need to create a completely new relationship. If not, I WILL WALK, so I can teach my son the value of treating others and demanding to be treated with respect, and having enough self esteem to move on if you do not recieve back. I don't know yet if I am truly willing to give SO another chance, but I am trying to leave myself open the possibility but keeping my eyes wide open, no more denial!

[Cassie76]

Pat on the back! That is awesome, I can see a bit of my situation in yours, you do understand! I too know about affairs being a red flags for problems in the relationship. I wish you the best of luck!