Meaplus3 Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 I think so many OW on these boards look for their happiness in other people instead of within themselves. I've been in your boat vivi, I really have. I've just come to terms with how things are and have decided that I'm ok for now. That if it ever becomes something that makes me unhappy I will move on. I always tried to figure out what I wasn't doing right to make him happy enough to leave, tried to figure out "that answer" to get him to finally up and move on. Until I realized his issues had nothing to do with me or his feelings for me, that he does love me and wants to be with me, it's just tearing his heart out to leave his kids. I guess I've realized that he may never leave and that's ok, he's only hurting himself and I'm not going to let it hurt me anymore. Stop worrying about what he's going to do and focus on yourself and what's best for you. Throw yourself into a new project or take a class, focus all your energy into that and find a way to make yourself stronger so you can move on if you need to, with or without him. So many here suggest NC, I personally wasn't strong enough to handle that. Focusing my energy and attention into something else is making me stronger, I've stopped nagging him about when he's going to leave. Who knows, that may be the kick in the butt he needs, and if not, then so be it. Love yourself first and love will come to you I think so many OW on these boards look for their happiness in other people instead of within themselves Bingo! I will not say that's true for every OW on this board, but it is for myself. Therapy has made me see that very clearly. AP:)
annabelle75 Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t125564/ I didn't want to unintentionally take this thread off topic so I responded to the OP in the above linked thread.
Meranna Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 No no no Meranna don't say that of course this is a good time to introduce yourself and join in, don't be silly I was not trying to discourage you from posting I was just countering your observation so please don't take that personally, just because I disagreed with your point of view it does not mean you cannot voice your opinion. Now is as good a time as any. So let's try this again: Welcome to the OW/OM forum Meranna, I'm Tomcat pleased to meet you (even though we all may not agree at times we are all here for the same reason to help and get help) Vivi...ahhh the old meet the parents. Yes mine went as far as letting me meet them...still haven't figured out FOR WHAT?!?!? Anyway to counter your point on figuring out how the french do it, I suppose it's all in what you want for yourself. If becoming a mistress is something you can see doing once you master the emotional aspect of it...well the more power to you. Personallly I have no desire to figure out how to be the perfect little mistress...I know it works for some but I have living proof it does absolutely nothing for me. Can I ask you something though: sometimes, and I have had friends like this, women tell themselves well if I can't have him to commit I will just master the art of the "booty calll". you know sometimes there are those men who don't want to commit, and so a woman will settle for being the "fun last minute girl" in order to keep having him in any which way she can...so these women convince themselves to enjoy being something they are not, simply to keep a particular man in the picture. Rarely do I see women master that and enjoy it with no alterior expectations, well Lizzie (hope you don't mind I made reference to you Liz, if you are out there...) she seems to be one of those women who has mastered it and truley doesn't expect or want more from any particular man, and I admire her for her strength...but most us women tend to be too emotional... Again just an observation...feel feel to jump in f you are more like Lizzie than the rest of us emotional cases :laugh: Actually Lizzie is one of the women on these boards I grow strength from so thank you. I was one of the emotional wrecks when I first started reading here, I'm just trying a new approach, so far it is helping me. As for always wanting to be the other woman, no way!! I'm not happy in the role I play, I just deal with it and try to be understanding for now.
Tomcat33 Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 I think so many OW on these boards look for their happiness in other people instead of within themselves Bingo! I will not say that's true for every OW on this board, but it is for myself. Therapy has made me see that very clearly. AP:) Right but AP in your situation you were already involved in a marriage,as well. When you are single maybe it prompts you to make your own happiness because you have no one else to fulfill your needs. When you are with someone maybe you are expecting the other person to make you happy, and perhaps you forget that just because you are in a union it is still your own job to make yourself happy?
Meaplus3 Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 Right but AP in your situation you were already involved in a marriage,as well. When you are single maybe it prompts you to make your own happiness because you have no one else to fulfill your needs. When you are with someone maybe you are expecting the other person to make you happy, and perhaps you forget that just because you are in a union it is still your own job to make yourself happy? I do not agree Tom! Does not matter if your single or married if you depend on someone else to complete yourself than it's just not healthy. I realize now that I was not happy with myself before I got married to my H. It's been 14 year's. Yes, he's been verbally abusive to me and why is that? Because he's not happy with himself No wonder we have a far from perfect union! Just my thought's not trying to offend. AP:)
Tomcat33 Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 I do not agree Tom! Does not matter if your single or married if you depend on someone else to complete yourself than it's just not healthy. I realize now that I was not happy with myself before I got married to my H. It's been 14 year's. Yes, he's been verbally abusive to me and why is that? Because he's not happy with himself No wonder we have a far from perfect union! Just my thought's not trying to offend. AP:) Oh ok fair enough. In your case you already had that pattern entering into your marriage because you were looking for happiness in another person. Sure I can see that, some people seek out relationships hoping that their lives will be happier if they are with someone . In my case it's the complete opposite I like the initial stage of my rels. and enjoy that but beyond that it just fluctuates between wanting to be attached and not wanting it. And I don't have committment issues, because all my rels have been long term I even lived with someone for 5 yrs total rel 7yrs. But as a whole I just seem to be "happier" when I am on my own :laugh:
GreenEyedLady Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I was wondering to those of you that are involved with a MM or those that have been involved with a MM. What is your ideas on why the feelings are so strong towards him? I have been in other relationships some long term some not so long. But I can honestly say I have never felt the intense feelings I have for my MM for anyone else. I have talked to a few other women that I know who are involved in similar situtations and they have also agreed the feelings are very overwhelming and can in some regard be quite consuming. You know, I don't agree that the feelings are more intense...just that if it's with a single guy, you guys are thought to be so in love and riding off on his white horse together... So in the context of others feeling similarly, probably most people truly in love with their partner feel just as intensely, but both of them are single so no one thinks anything of it...
raslers Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 "how many posters who have been involved in an affair can say that their lover has left their spouses for them?" I was in a 4 year relationship with MM and never once asked him to leave. I never expected that of him. I knew he was married and accepted that from the get go. I would never do something like that because it wouldn't be real. Of course the sad thing is the whole R wasn't real as I recently found out when I discovered the OOW. Long story. You can read the thread "Is this Normal?"
Lizzie60 Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 there is no love involved, as far as I'm concerned... I enjoy them... they like me... only one is in love with me. I like the fact that the sex is great, and that they don't stay ...LOL I keep my space, I have great sex... what more can I ask for? I have the greatest 'arrangement' of all. I don't want them to leave their family... no one gets hurt...
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