How much is Too much sacrifice

[FEEDTHEID]

(to skip all the background go down to >>>>OK...)

 

Here's the obligatory opener "Involved in a great relationship...but..." Been with a woman for 5 months, living together, I have opened up to her more than anyone I have known. We all bring with us our own issues to relationships, I have a pretty bad past which has caused a lot of problems. She is the first person that I have felt comfortable talking to, and the first person I have loved in 7 years (what's sad is I've been divorced for a year or so and was married for eight).

Out of the marraige I got my son and my GF has two children also. Most of the week the kids are all over us. To make matters worse her son (age 11), as horrible as it sounds, I cannot stand the kid. To give you an idea I went to a friends house and had them with me and he dcides to carve in my friend's door with a knife. He has no boundaries and acts VERY innappropriate towards ANY female mother, sister, classmates. The reason the kids are important to mention is they hang on her like glue, driving her crazy but she goes with it.

The other night we were talking and she said she needs space to unwind at night. I'm cool with that and I understand so I plan on doing my own thing for a while while she unwinds. But at my job I get 0 interaction, when I am with the kids they do their own thing (which is how it should be). I feel like I go from isolation to isolation all day.

 

>>>>OK all that back ground for this... I like to go out with my friends for a few hrs per week. Usually 5-6 hrs on one day when her kids are at home and mine is with the X. She has issues with me going out with friends, stemming from when she would go out with her friends and cheat on her SO. Since then she does not go out unless she is with her me (or other SO before we met) because she was bothered by what had happened so she removes any chance of it happening again. She says she has never needed friends, and only likes to have male friends which always understandably causes problems. But I do need my time with friends I don't get much human interaction and her kids are hanging all over her and all I have to look forward to is when they go to bed. So I hang out with friends. This bothers her and puts her in a funk ruining some of the little time I have alone with her. I can't talk to my friends because they don't like her, have talked to her and she tries not to be upset but obviously is. I have told her she needs her time to unwind and I need my time out. I guess I am too needy, I need stimulation and friends, but end up sacrificing time with her. Considering I am with her the entire rest of the week do I continue to make myself miserable for two or three days. Or do I see my friends even less than I do now to make the relationship better. How can I get her to understand how I feel and how I need this time with my friends?

[quankanne]

I guess I am too needy, I need stimulation and friends, but end up sacrificing time with her. Considering I am with her the entire rest of the week do I continue to make myself miserable for two or three days. Or do I see my friends even less than I do now to make the relationship better. How can I get her to understand how I feel and how I need this time with my friends?

 

ooh, doesn't sound like you're the needy one, just the one who accomodates everyone, then gets dumped on!

 

while I understand her feeling uneasy about you *possibly* cheating on her when you out alone, she really ought to respect your need for time to do stuff on your own. You've only been together five months, and she thinks it's okay to put a leash on you because she doesn't trust you based on her past behavior? I don't think so ... in a healthy relationship, couples learn how and when to give each other space, and they understand that they need time alone as a couple. It doesn't sound like she comprehends either.

 

you're not being selfish to want this time to interact with others; unfortunately, it doesn't sound like she's going to see it this way, and will carp on you about the issue.

 

me? I'd put my foot down and tell her that a couple of hours a week relaxing with my buddies is not a subject for compromise when you're conducting yourself in a proper way (i.e., not trolling for chicks, etc). If she refuses to compromise on this, maybe you guys jumped into the relationship too quickly, because frankly, it just doesn't sound healthy that you're expected to give give give.

[Cobra_X30]

I read some of your past posts. Quankanne, is correct this woman has no right to ask this of you as long as she continues to hit up her ex and other guys. Honestly, I think she is mental... and I would bet she is a crappy mom. I would not put very many eggs into that basket, and I would keep your kid away from that.

[quankanne]

on second read, something Cobra said about her being "mental" and you saying "I don't get much human interaction … So I hang out with friends. This bothers her and puts her in a funk ruining some of the little time I have alone with her" raise a huge red flag. Because it sounds like she's taking advantage of you by refusing to make time for you, then punishing you when you seek companionship with your friends. Are you sure this is what you want out of a relationship?

 

I know that you feel this girl understands and cares for you like no other, but it sounds like a too-good-to-be-true whirlwind relationship that's only going to hurt or compromise you in the end ... do you really want this? Especially when she fails to see your need for human interaction?

[FEEDTHEID]

QUANKANN and COBRA-

I have thought several times about the unhealthiness of parts our relationship and, Cobra you are right there's alot tof stuff that if someone was to tell me was happening to them I would grab them by the shirt and shake them silly. But I only post the problems, I love her and love being around her. Quankann hit it right on the head, I have never connected with anyone like I do with her. We laugh and tease eachother and have a great time.

Raising a son myself I know kids need attention and she is a great mother, if her son was mine I would have shipped him off to a Ciberean millitary school and never looked back. It frustrates me that they hang on her but that's part of being a parent I know about that first hand from my son. I have told her bluntly that if she made me choose between her and my buddies she would not win. I also said the same thing to my friends. I HATE ultimatums. and everyone I know, knows this.

[jcster]

I guess I am too needy, I need stimulation and friends, but end up sacrificing time with her. Considering I am with her the entire rest of the week do I continue to make myself miserable for two or three days.

 

This would be a good place to start. Why are you so needy? It sounds like you take very little time for yourself, and that time is spent being upset that you aren't with her or your friends. You need to learn to spend time alone - this is what your S.O. has learned to ask from you. She already has 2 kids that depend upon her for everything - does she need a grownup kid hanging off of her too? It sounds like you have put so much need into the relationship that it's in danger of overtaking the love. Learn to take care of your own emotional needs and the problem will get better.

 

Your S.O. has baggage - you have baggage. That's the way it's going to be until you start to throw that baggage overboard.

[FEEDTHEID]

When I read your quote I think I may have written it better. The time I end up sacrificing is the time that she is upset because I went or am going out. She's upset before I go then the next day she's upset. So going out with my friends = having her in a funk before and after. I would love to dump all this bagage mine and hers. People hold on to their issues no matter what the issues are doing to them, I guess I'm no different

[jcster]

So, to rephrase your issue - and tell me if this is correct: You would like to have a social life beyond work and your S.O. Your S.O. does not share this need, and is uncomfortable with the fact that you go to bars to see your friends.

 

Is it just the bar or the friends? If you stopped going to the bar with them, and instead went to dinner, would that help the situation? Would you be willing to do that?

[FEEDTHEID]

Yeah, I guess it does boil down to that. She has mentioned not caring if they come to our place, but I do not want to do this. I want to get out. I don't want to have to feel like she is hanging over us I'd feel like a kid. plus her kids are there and that would not be fun for anyone. And lastly my friends do not feel comfortable in general when she is with us.

[jcster]

I don't want to have to feel like she is hanging over us I'd feel like a kid.

I'm detecting some resentment in this statement. Why would you consider it "hanging over you?" And what is it that she does that makes you feel like a kid? Is she too "motherly?"

 

It sounds to me like you love this woman DESPITE her kids and this is a problem. She's going to have these kids for a long time. They are the most important thing to her in the universe - and you barely tolerate them. You resent the time that they take her attention away from you. I really think you need to examine why they threaten you so much, and how you can love a woman who is a mother and detest her children. From what you wrote here, is sounds like the fact that this woman is a mother is a strike against, rather than for, her.

[FEEDTHEID]

I would feel like she is hanging over us because it bothers me she does not trust me so I am relegated to sitting in the house where it would feel like she is keeping tabs. Honestly I do love her DESPITE her son. He lies, steals, destroys others' things, I'm sure he is on his way to juvee or jail for the way he feels it's ok to grope women including his own mother and sister. He cries and throws tantrums at the drop of the hat. And No I DO NOT like him at all. The reason I brought them up is I get home from work or school where I have no interaction. and try to talk to her while they are competeing for her attention, interrupting, or sitting three feet from us and staring at her (the boy). I know this is typical my son is VERY high maintainance. I expect this to a degree I would just like to have 45 mins to sit and talk with her. I look forward to when they go to bed to spend time with her but she needs some time to unwind from having them all over her. WHICH I'M OK WITH. I understand she needs this. I am saying I need time out of the house once or twice a week to be with friends and see no reason not to when my son is with the X and they are clinging to her where I can't get a few mins. with her.

[jcster]

I think if you want to continue this relationship, you are either going to have to get over your resentment and invite some folks over, or you are going to have to find her a sitter and go out with her (your friends attitudes be damned).

 

I find some aspects of your current attitude disturbing, especially in the fact that you exclude your S.O., whom you say you love, because your friends don't like her. Shouldn't it be the opposite? How do you think it must make her feel to know that you regularly hang out with people who can't stand her? That you are embarrassed to have other people meet her child? Don't you also think that she might resent the fact that you are relatively free to leave, while she has to deal with her kids?

 

Your resentment over the curtailing of your social time seems to be more of a symptom of general resentment. I really think you should ask yourself what you could be doing to make her life better rather than being upset about her dislike of your going out. And, it's important to note, she never forbade you to go out, she just doesn't like it. There's a difference. You're never going to be able to make her like it, it's your choice as to whether you continue to do it.