the last 7 weeks of n/c thought me.

[funkybassplayer]

I have come to realise that it does not matter if they cheated, were selfish, had a personality problem, treated us with no respect, or just walked away from us without a care, the fact is we loved them, thats why we are here, and trying to make out they were whatever doe'nt make our pain any easier. I see my exs face so clear in my head still, and i miss them all so much, and i had to deal with so much in my relationship to the point that i sacrificed my own happyness to clear a parth, which she never saw, and then dumped me. But i loved her thats why we put up with it, b/c we saw the good in them, no we have to heal, and get better to when we dont feel hate or anger. I have to say, through all my posts, i showed many emotions as we all have and are, btu i always said that i loved her very much, and at the end of the day, in my heart i do want her to be happy. She thinks im over her i guess, but if she knew how hard it is, then she would no my love was so deep. Its sad that she never saw it in the relationship, as she was too busy being centre of attention. But she was my baby, my life, and i tried to protect her and her kids, and look after them and try to make thier lives better. I obviously never, but thats why its so hard to let go, b/c we loved them to the point of sacrifice, they just nevr loved us as much as we thought, and all of us are going through the mill at the mo. I was doing well,, but since the start of the scholl hols, its really hit me agian, i guess cos me n her and the kids had so much planned, and the urge to contact her is strong, but i wont, b/c i have regained my self respect back, and to hear how happy her and her new guy (im guessing) are will bring me down again, and also i want to respect her new life, with me not being a part of it, but maybe its starting to hit home a little with her too, i dont know, but i cant belive that you could have been so close to soem1 and leave them with very little emotion, or at least until her new guy came along after a week of us breaking up. But i guess people are all different and i guess its what i would like to think, but in reality, maybe shes glad im out of her life, but i miss her and the kids so very much. This time last year we were all getting ready to spend the week at my house, a big step for me to share my house with and and her 3 kids, but i loved it, today, im sitting here on my own, the phones are quite, and im thiking deep n hard about my life and what it was and now is. I think god what if i call and they have split up! i could just go up there and see them!! But the risk is too high to call. All my hard work would be lost, and she can always call me. I have this feeling in my gut that she is missing me now, and a few weeks have gone by, and the fog has lifted for both of us, for me that inspite of all her issues and a hubby that she would not get rid off, i really loved them all, and for her, maybe b.c i was so passionate about her being my women only, and not a married woman that i felt was not my woman, she will know why i felt upset and hurt, and distant for a time in our relationship, but 1 thing i know to the end, when we looked into each others eyes, there was real love thier, and a connection, and one that i think she had to bury to start a new relationship, and one that im still dealing with, to clear my mind of any demons for any future relationship. I have been angry, b/c i tried so hard to make this woman mine, but she was her hubbys still, and has now gone to another man. I have to be strong, and i feel a little better after writing this, thank god for this site, and the people that i have read about, and chatted to on here. I dont want to become bitter, and i dont want to hate my ex, she loved me, but not enough to work with me.

[hatethatman]

its so hard to think that he was the one to pursue a future for us...like WHY did he have to go there? and what bothers me worse than anything is...why, did i let it happen. i know that i thought i saw a person i could trust, but in the end it was just a lie. everyday he pushed for "someday" talk...we even went house hunting!! planned to blend our familys, he said i was all he cared about and then with the blink of an eye...he met someone else and poof he was gone. he used about 4 or 5 reasons to break up with me..lets see 1. my ex hubby talked down to me, and it upset him...he felt he couldn't do anything to to help...so it was too hard for him to stay quiet. 2. his kids were upset at him for the amount of time he spent with me....i NEVER manipulated his time!!! 3. he was on a dark path of depression and couldn't take me with him. 4. i was a distraction, because he was putting off stuff he needed to take of, and instead he wanted to spend his time with me. 5. he needed to take care of his parents, as they r getting older and he might move out of the state to be closer to them. and lastly, 6. he needed to find himself. ooo wait...there is 1 more...my favorite..."i guess u were a rebound." all cop/outs and the truth actually was he met her. now they r living together and of all the above...he didn't accomplish 1 thing. i guess he thought if i didn't know the truth i would accept it better. the fact is...if he had told me the truth, i would not have spent all this time wondering what was the matter with me!!! i know he's a jerk, and i know i'm way better off with him out of my life!!! i KNOW this. but i can't help thinking...why did he have to pick me to be the one to use and fill his ego??? and why do i still struggle over this loser???!!! 1 lil perk...he moved in with her...in a new town, so he quit his job thats he's been with for 20yrs. got a new job and was fired within 3 weeks...so now she is supporting him, which i think will get old PDQ. hahahahah KARMA does exsist. lol thanks for reading...but this is what goes thur my head everyday!!!before him...i was confident and determined to go back to school and finnish my degree, i guess now i think who am i if such a loser wouldn't want me?