spookie Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 I have this friend that I've known since high school. We were in the same tight-knit clique for 3 years, then fell in "love" and "dated" briefly until my family moved out of state my senior year. We ended up at colleges thousands of miles apart. Fast forward four years. I've had a couple of meaningless relationships and one long-term one with someone I loved very much. He's had girlfriends, flings, affairs. Throughout it all we've kept in touch. Not very closely, but we probably talk or email a couple of nights in a row every month and a half or so. We go to each other to vent or for advice but also talk about books, music, politics, etc. My family moved yet again last year, and I have been spending this summer in my new home. Well, a couple of days ago, he was in this city, and we spent the day together. It was ... amazing. To be quite honest, I've always had a giant crush on him, and it was no different this time. He's grown up very well. He's very ... muscular now. The chemistry was unbelievable, unlike anything I have ever experienced. Electric. At one point we almost kissed, but I pulled away (Don't want to be viewed as a sexual object when relationship isn't possible (distance)). He apologized for trying to kiss me, said he couldn't help it and that I was sexy. Anyway, this whole experience made me realize just how attracted I am to intelligence. This friend of mine is, hands down, the smartest person I know. I'm no idiot myself, but, having been friends with him for 8 years, I know that he learns much faster than I do, thinks more clearly, and knows far, far more. He has an incredible store of general knowledge that makes him very fun to be around, and I get turned on (and simultaneously intimidated) just talking to him because I feel like he can see right through me, can evaluate my thoughts faster than I can think them, can know exactly when I am half-assing. I would love to end up with someone who challenged me mentally like that, but I've been wondering if relationships with "intelligence" or at least knowledge gaps like this one can be rewarding for both people. I mean, I know why I like him and what I would be getting out of it if we got together, but what would be in it for him? I feel like, with someone like this friend of mine, I would be constantly growing mentally thanks to him, while I wouldn't even be able to get a grasp for half the things he knows. I feel like he would understand me and my thoughts perfectly, while the reverse could never be true. I want opinions on this. Would you date someone you were significantly more intelligent or knowledgeable than? Why? This guy and I are most likely both moving back to our hometown in December... I wonder if something can happen. I also wonder what I should do to improve my chances, which books I should read.
InsanityImpaired Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 Although intelligence is an important attribute, it is not the only attribute to consider. One famous example is of course the marriage of J.J. Rousseau. Married a woman who could not read or write - but had this gift of being extremely practical about things. The department he was hopelessly lacking in. In his autobiography you will find many a praising word about his wife as a result (not withstanding that he held some views which are nowadays quite objectionable to women). Differences in intelligence are just differences in intelligence. Problems can arise when these differences lead to different interests, outlooks on life etc, that hopelessly clash. If that is however not the case, I don't see any issue with dating someone who is a lot smarter / less smart than you are. Just go by his and your (shared) interests - perhaps he is willing to discuss whatever interests him?
Trialbyfire Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 Flat out, I can't date a man without intelligence. Complete snoresville. "So honey, that's called a shoe..." or "Remember, you may not plow the fields with your knuckles dragging. While I understand it's a natural attribute for you, it's just not done."
jcster Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 I think that there are a lot of factors to intelligence. Someone may not be as quick on the draw intellectually as me, but if they have wisdom and emotional intelligence, that is even better to me. That being said, I've met a lot of guys that were intimidated by my intelligence, and I had to let them go. It's no fun being resented for an inborn trait!!!
Nemo Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 If you consider yourself intelligent, then you probably aren't. I'm just saying.
Trialbyfire Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 I would love to end up with someone who challenged me mentally like that, but I've been wondering if relationships with "intelligence" or at least knowledge gaps like this one can be rewarding for both people. I mean, I know why I like him and what I would be getting out of it if we got together, but what would be in it for him? I feel like, with someone like this friend of mine, I would be constantly growing mentally thanks to him, while I wouldn't even be able to get a grasp for half the things he knows. I feel like he would understand me and my thoughts perfectly, while the reverse could never be true. I want opinions on this. Would you date someone you were significantly more intelligent or knowledgeable than? Why? To directly respond to these two questions, I've yet to meet one with a significant gap of this nature. They maybe knowledgeable in different fields and interests but you maybe knowledgeable in others. I'll bet he dominated the direction of the conversations, to ensure that his knowledge base was illustrated. Once again, I can't imagine dating anyone who doesn't have intelligence. Intelligence doesn't necessarily mean educated. It's innate or it's fake.
jcster Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 If you consider yourself intelligent, then you probably aren't. I'm just saying. Huh? So, if I consider myself to be 5' 4" - I'm probably not?
crazy_grl Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 First off, stop thinking like that right now. You don't sound dumb to me. The worst thing you can do for yourself is get all self-conscious thinking you're not smart enough for him. I dated a guy before who kept telling me that I should be dating someone smarter than him. (And it didn't help that some guy friend of his told him the same thing.) It was very unattractive, and the way he said it made me feel almost insulted. I never once thought that he wasn't smart enough for me. I thought he was a very intelligent guy. Let him like you for you. By all means read books if they interest you, but don't read them just to impress him. And don't sell yourself short. Embrace your own strengths. If he doesn't value them as much as you value his intelligence, then he's not worth your time.
quankanne Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 spookie – this is a truly sweet & romantic situation you've described, and from what it sounds like, this boy likes you for YOU. So don't worry about whether your intelligence "matches" his ... I've learned that in relationships, you strengthen each other's weaker areas. my husband doesn't have a college degree like I do, and his spelling and grammar are atrocious, but I can call him in the middle of the day and say, "so and so's car is making noises like this (insert noise) ... what do you think it is?" and I swear the man ID's the problem correctly 9 times out of 10, even if my descriptions are shaky. Because he just knows engines. And his general knowlege is different than mine, so it's always fun learning things from him. And he appreciates that I can communicate effectively for him when he needs my help, so it just works out, you know? so keep up with learning whatever fascinates you, because I guarantee this boy will enjoy learning through you, no matter what the subject is.
Nemo Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 Huh? So, if I consider myself to be 5' 4" - I'm probably not? I'm sure you are exaggerating. Take off the high heels, and try again. First off, stop thinking That is the best advice I have heard for a long, long time.
Nemo Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 so keep up with learning whatever fascinates you, because I guarantee this boy will enjoy learning through you, no matter what the subject is. More good advice. It's so important to be complementary. I have yet to meet someone who knows more about anal sex than I do, but I am happy to share that knowledge. Similarly, I enjoy being educated in matters outside my realm of specialty. It's all in the attitude. If you enjoy their company, then you are off to a fantastic start. Hopefully it can only get better when you figure out what makes each other tick. Yeah baby.
fiyah Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 i think its important to challenge one another and maintain some type of intellectual stimulation. but dont sell yourself short. my gf is very smart and extremely thoughtful on a wide variety of issues, however, when our relationship started going downhill, she got intimidated and scared to discuss a lot of things with me, especially about music, books, or social or political causes that she knew i was very passionate about. so now, it is a lot worse. believe in yourself!
Road Rage Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 spookie When he thinks of you I`m sure it would be somewhat closer to humping like a rutwielder rather than debating Aristotle:cool:
stillafool Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 spookie When he thinks of you I`m sure it would be somewhat closer to humping like a rutwielder rather than debating Aristotle:cool: :lmao::lmao:Ain't it the truth!!!!!!!!
Chinook Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 This guy and I are most likely both moving back to our hometown in December... I wonder if something can happen. I also wonder what I should do to improve my chances, which books I should read.There is alot of time between now and December. A lot can happen between now and then. Try not to get ahead of yourself. More importantly, you don't need to read books to improve your chances, he already likes you for who you are... don't go changing it around.
Recommended Posts