lookingforlife Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 So, now it's been around 2 months since J broke up with me...about 10 days since I found out about his new girlfriend. I can't concentrate on anything AT ALL. In the morning, when I wake up, I am preoccupied with thoughts about him...and him with her, and all the things that they are probably doing together, that we used to do. This puts a damper on my whole day. I even feel physically ill at many times during the day...struggling to eat, etc. I have work I need to do. I have assignments that I need to hand in (already past their due date), but every time I try to do research...do some reading, or try find info on the net, all my thoughts are muddled and clouded. I am either thinking about him, them together...or prospective rebounds! I have NEVER been this type of person- obsessing like this over people. Before this particular relationship I was a relatively emotionally independent person...but, I don't know, something about the nature of this particular relationship (which was unhealthy for me), has made me hang on, obsess and ponder. I guess, through the way it all went down, my confidence took a huge knock, and I am having trouble indentifying with myself. I feel like I will be antsy until I find another man to occupy my time and energy, and this REALLY disturbs me. I am spending increasing amounts of time online, which I NEVER used to do. Logging onto Facebook many times a day, hoping to meet someone interesting. I feel like I just need that feeling again...that falling in love feeling, but I know that, in the long run, that will not solve anything for me...and, obviously, meeting people in real life is a much better way to go! I just don't recognize myself anymore. I have self-pride, confidence and talent...but those things seem to have temporarily disappeared. I want to feel independent again. I want to drown out all these other thoughts and obsessions, and just focus on what is important. There IS a guy that is interested in me, and we have been out a few times...but, I just can't feel anything. All I can think when I am with him, is wanting to maybe escape for a little while... Please, any advice would be GREATLY appreciated:) LookingForLife.
funkybassplayer Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 Some people can really get inside your head in a relationship, and after they are very hard to break free from. My ex got strait inot a new relationship after she dumped me (which i was ok with b/c she had lots if unfinished marriage problems, that she was not willing to work out with me) and i was exhusted from all the emotions of the relationship, that i felt i was ok with it. what messed me up was how she trew me aside after, without a care, and stopped me from any contact with her or the kids (after crying to stay friends with me) Iv been in n/c for 7 weeks, and it has helped lots, but i realise how much i loved her and the kids, and i think she knows that too now, but if you are feeling you need to get into a relationship b/c he is, thats wrong, first, it can be some1 really lovely, but if you still have feelings for your ex, it will be really hard to bewith some1 new. Some people can just switch off emotions, my ex did it with her hubby of 9 years and then to me, and some cant, but the best thing you can do is take time out for yourself, dont worry about a reltionship, iv had dates since, and been wishing it was my ex sitting there with me, so im not ready eigher. Just b/c they can do it, it does not mean we can, and in my case i had to be really strong and do the n/c thing. I have not a clue how they are doing, and she thinks i guess im over them all, and sometimes i just want her to know that i really loved her so much to the point that i put my own happyness on the back line so i can help her with her issues, which she never worked with me on. I dont think she knew how much i wanted to clear a parth through her lifes mine field for out fucture happyness. Instead she dumped me. Do what you have to do to get better, i nevr ate, and still 7 weeks down the line, i still feel bad, i lost 2 stone (but i toned up to) and im dreading everyday of these schools hols as she and her kids are off for 6 weeks and we had so much planned, but i can only think that the new chap is doing what i wanted to now. But again i will get on best i can post on here, my only hope is that when i last spoke to her i told her im slowly moving on, and that she can call me anytime, and that if she wanted to she will, b/c as much as i want to call her, i wont, out of respect for her wishes, and my self respect. Stay strong, or get strong, and you will feel better soon, just dont be too hard on yourself, and give yourself time.
the_otherhalf Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 My situation is/was very similar to yours, so I hope this will be a bit useful. I, too, ALWAYS checked Facebook, every chance I got (who knows? Maybe he said something? Nope, he never did), which was way too often, lost track of my school work, gave up on eating, etc. Keep trying to do your work, but do it in smaller chunks and give yourself plenty of breaks to watch TV, read, etc. (NOT FACEBOOK!) In fact, why not take a break from Facebook? Are you really gaining anything by knowing who has written on his wall or what new groups he had joined? I limited myself to checking Facebook once per day, and if I "broke the rules," I would force myself to do something that I really hate to do (exercise). What I have also found is that if you remove him as a friend on there, your thoughts soon follow. With no new information to keep feeding your "what if" drive, what else is there to think about? Go hang out with people who have nothing to do with him. Hope this helps!
Author lookingforlife Posted July 24, 2007 Author Posted July 24, 2007 Hi there, thanks for your advice. Luckily, however, even before we broke up, he deleted his Facebook..so there is no temptation for me to spy. His new girlfriend is, however, on there, and I have managed to delete her as a friend, and not go back to look at her profile. I know it will only hurt me. My problem is that I am just searching SO hard for that connection I lost when our relationship ended. I'm just searching for a person. I didn't realize I was actually doing this. I no longer have any close male friends...I lost them all when we started dating, and I am struggling to just be with myself and my friends and be happy with that for now. This all sounds so silly, but right now it is my reality. When I am by myself all I can do is think about being with people, but when I am with people it's like I do not have anything of value to say. I think I have lost trust in just being me. I know this will pass, but right now it is SO hard for me to concentrate...I think that I SHOULD limit myself, when it comes to the internet though. I have NEVER been an online person...it has only happened since the breakup. I just need to try and get my head straightened out. Try find my focus again. And, you are right, I need to hang out with people that are not associated with him at all...I should also stop contact with his friends, unless they get hold of me first. Thanks again.
PoshPrincess Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 Hi there, thanks for your advice. Luckily, however, even before we broke up, he deleted his Facebook..so there is no temptation for me to spy. His new girlfriend is, however, on there, and I have managed to delete her as a friend, and not go back to look at her profile. I know it will only hurt me. My problem is that I am just searching SO hard for that connection I lost when our relationship ended. I'm just searching for a person. I didn't realize I was actually doing this. I no longer have any close male friends...I lost them all when we started dating, and I am struggling to just be with myself and my friends and be happy with that for now. This all sounds so silly, but right now it is my reality. When I am by myself all I can do is think about being with people, but when I am with people it's like I do not have anything of value to say. I think I have lost trust in just being me. I know this will pass, but right now it is SO hard for me to concentrate...I think that I SHOULD limit myself, when it comes to the internet though. I have NEVER been an online person...it has only happened since the breakup. I just need to try and get my head straightened out. Try find my focus again. And, you are right, I need to hang out with people that are not associated with him at all...I should also stop contact with his friends, unless they get hold of me first. Thanks again. LFL, it sounds like you're having a really tough time. I've been there too, in fact, I still obsess a bit about my ex and I constantly look to see if he has registered on Facebook as well. V sad but it's easily done. I have been obsessed with LS ever since MY break-up! You definitely need something else to occupy your mind; something that is not going to remind you of him. I don't think dating again is necessarily a bad thing but make sure it is JUST THAT. Go out and have fun with men but don't get yourself into another exclusive R until you are well and truly over him. A bit of flirting will probably do you the world of good as some attention from men will boost your ego and help you feel good about yourself again. Best of luck and have fun!
BeyondThePale Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 I am in the exact same position right now. It's been two months and when I do NC she contacts me and I ignore it for a while but after the 10th or 11th time curiosity gets the best of me and I'm back at square one. I don't have a computer at home so I don't have the opportunity to get on here when I'm really depressed. I hope you heal soon, I know it's rough and it sucks to just want to be over it but not know what to do. I hate reading but I've found it's a good escape for a little while. Good luck to you.
sonyjay999 Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 i was in ur shoes before i made a mistake by breaking up with my x gf and regretted it i went into a similar phase as u r in, i went into a depression so hard i never knew i could get into i didnt want to eat i didnt want to go to work i just wanted to be alone lucky i had a good friend who will hear me night n day thanks buddy but yeah i have learn from this experience is that u need to keep ur self occupied, pick up new hobbies, even though at first u dont have the interest to do it, atleast for a few moment it takes ur thoughts away from ur x, i also suggest to see a therapist i did, and it made me feel better everytime i saw her because i was able to express my feeling to her and i also expose certain thing about myself that i didnt know i also suggest take a vacation to get away from everything a nice beach will work best after a month or two start dating but PLEASe let the person know u r not looking for anything serious and explain ur situation i fail to do that and a girl ended up fallin for me and i couldnt be with her and i felt so bad so dont do that to be honest, i dated alot of girl and many i tried to compare them to my x (which u shouldnt do) and they all fail until i change my attitude and accepted a girl for who she was and that s when i broke free from my x and was able to move on only u can do it alone, keep ur self active, exercise, do anything to keep ur mind off ur x good luck
InSaNeLy CoNfUsEd Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 Listen hunny. I know exactly how you are feeling. I have a very long post i did a couple hours ago that isnt cleared to be on the forums yet, but i know how you are feeling. It sounds like your in college (as i just graduated from college) and you have many things you need to get done. I am in the SAME boat. Me and my girlfriend of 3 and a half years were extremely happy together and I had planned my future, such as my internship and my job, in order to be with her all the time. We would be there for eachother through everything and just the feeling I had everytime we were together, just laying in bed to kissing to having sex, the way I felt is indescribable and I knew she felt the SAME EXACT way. I have recently had a bunch of unfortunate events happen to me in my life and have all through my life. I have ADHD very very bad and she was able (the only one out of a lot of women) that understood me and was there for me. Every moment with her was bliss and when we would have sex, the feeling, everything from my feet to my head and hers as well, felt like we were one and no matter what was going wrong in our lives, at that moment, EVERYTHING was washed away and we both (I did at least) felt 100% pure and rejuvenated again and everything went away and we were on cloud 9. No matter what, we were happy with the things we had and the misfortunes we both encountered because we had eachother. Four days ago, she tells me she thinks we are drifting apart again...(i have A BUNCH of problems going on right now that are out of my control)...and she is stressed out and tells me she isnt IN LOVE with me anymore but still and will always love me and be there for me. Then she tells me she is just scared of getting married and just really stressed out and worn out and wants a break, and then tells me that everything is OK between us. For the past 5 days, since tuesday, i have not slept or ate any food and have no desire too. I came down her 2 days ago and for the entire past 5 days she has not talked to me the same way at all. Every second we were apart and not doing something else, she would call me or i would call her and we would talk or when we were doing something, we would text message when we were apart. Every night before tuesday for the past 3 and a half years we both said "Goodnight Sweet dreams...dont let the beddy bugs bite...and I LOVE YOU....Muaaah" and she would say to me "Love you Lovebug...Goodnight" again right after that before we went to bed. She didnt call or text message me for 4 days straight...The entire time...i just had 5-10 second miniclips of her with another guy, looking at him and having the same feelings we had during all the stuff we do...And it constantly plays in my head (usually i am on medicine for this because it happens with everything that i do) I came down her to see her and try to work this out...and she tells me she doesnt want me to try anything with her...cuddle with her....ask to have sex...kiss her or anything....YET...she wants me to sleep next to her in bed. So i sleep next to her in bed...and she tells me goodnight...i love you....sweet dreams....dont let the bed bugs bite, then gives me a big kiss, reaches to hold my hand and lays her head in my shoulder and rubs my inner thigh until i fall asleep with her leg on me like we ALWAYS do when we first fall asleep at night.........I AM LOOOSING MY MIND and also DO NOT know what to do. And tonight, she had to work (she has 3 jobs and the one is at a restaraunt and she gets home late anyways) today from 2pm and she did not get back home until 3am. She said the cops came because a fight broke out there and stuff but something just doesnt seem right to me. I act like im sleeping, she crawls into bed....doesnt say goodnight...kiss me...touch me or anything...but faces the other way and lays as close to the edge of the bed as possible. We are leaving tomorrow to go on vacation to Florida and i do not know what to do. I cant stop the miniclips in my head and she is acting SOOOOO strange right now and im going mad...(read my post when it comes up and you will know about EVERYTHING that is going on besides this)...So i talk to her and she just kind of retracts away from me and gets closer to the edge of the bed. So i ask her if she still wants me to go on this vacation with her tomorrow...and she says yes. Then i ask if we are going to be OK...she says yes....THEN i ask if she is STILL IN LOVE WITH ME...no response...I ask again....She says she is really tired and i woke her up and she doesnt know what im saying...(maybe true) but the entire time she was at work, she did not text me ONCE or even let me know she was on her way home or why she got home so late. I left her sleep and put a note in her bed explaining everything and that she is with me 100% (if she is, everything is ok and i know she is still in love with me) or 0% (if this is the case, she has some hesitation to how she feels and is not sure and i am COMPLETELY done with her, she isnt the one if she honestly feels this way) I layed the note next to her where i usually lay and am waiting for her to wake up and read everything i said and give me her answer...AND THE MINICLIPS ARE STILL PLAYING This is very unhealthy babe, but i know once i get my medicine back i should be fine, even though ill be totally devistated and heart-broken if we break up, but i know time will heal it and it isnt fair to you or the other person if it isnt 100% between both of you. I still have to do my internship, (one i dont have now because of this whole situation and the fact that I EMOTIONALLY cant be down here if we break up) and have a very good job opportunity making extremely healthy income and it is something i know and will enjoy doing...(money not meaning a thing) First priority is yourself hun. We BOTH need to get our lives in order so that we can both enjoy the relationship that we want, as well as the other person in the relationship. I am just giving you the advice people have given me. But its the truth. If your man is with another girl, you know HES NOT THE ONE FOR YOU, no matter how much you cant stop thinking about it...(Im not being a prick because i am going through the SAME thing) You need to talk to a psychologist or counselor if this persists, gets worse, IMMEDIATELY. Its not worth risking your entire life over something that is out of our control...trust me babe...i am having a BITCH of a time trying to swallow that pill as well...but WE have to do it or it is going to kill us in the end. That is all the advice i can give you and understand I feel your pain hun but we both have to do this. I hope my advice was meaningful to you and you can contact me anytime if you still want to talk about this situation. I actually need someone to talk to that understands what im going through right now as well. Maybe talking about it together will help to alleviate the unexplainable pain we are both feeling. "Dont sweat the small stuff...because in the end...it is ALL small stuff!!"
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