loquaciousl Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 Hi there. So I've posted a fair amount in the last few months or so. Here's my question for you LSers; what is a "healthy" relationship? Here's my story: I'm 29, never married. I haven't had a relationship longer than 3 months or so in a few years. Before that I was in a series of long term relationships. Some were verbally and emotionally abusive. In the last few years, I have gotten good at identifying people who I didn't think were good for me, hence why I think I haven't been sticking around them for long. A little over a month ago I started dating a guy who is divorced and has a kid. He has been divorced for two years and for all intents and purposes seems to have a good head on his shoulders. We laugh a lot together, he's sweet, sensitive, caring, fun, and we have a lot in common. The catch? If you will...is that he has really touched my heart. He knows this to an extent as I am an emotional person although I am not wanting to put all of my cards out on the table. He has been honest with me in that he said he cares about me and doesn't want to miss out on a good relationship with me. However, he said he is being cautious and doesn't want to jump headfirst into a relationship. He admits he moves slowly, but doesn't want me to think that means that he's wishy washy about me. He shows me he cares by sending me cute emails and listening to me and making me laugh. He's consistent. Here's the thing-- I am used to either a) jumping headfirst into a relationship, or b)getting physical and having that be it. My intuition tells me this is a good guy and he's worth getting to know. However, I am scared because I don't want to put myself out there in the event that he doesn't fully invest himself in the relationship. I know it's silly to base thoughts on "what if" but I have been known to be the fool and put in a lot of effort and as a result I let myself be taken for granted. It feels like we are becoming good friends. I can tell him anything. He's silly. He tells me things about himself too. We've had a lot of serious conversations but at the same time a lot of light hearted convos, too. Tomorrow I am meeting his son (he's 8) and he told me although he has trouble verbalizing things that if he wasn't serious about getting to know me better that he wouldn't introduce me. So I guess my thing is this. I am used to dysfunction. Since there doesn't seem to be much here, I find myself closing down a little bit, ie, I'm not all mushy gushy when I think about him unless I am really alone with my thoughts. Because I don't want to overkill our new thing by overtalking it I find I don't know what to do. My gut tells me this is a good thing...but I don't know how to appropriately proceed. Help!
supertouch Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 i was in a similar situation not too long ago (i was on the receiving end, though). she had been in some fairly abusive relationships before me. i treated her well and we had awesome physical and mental chemistry. we talked about our day over the phone or when we hung out. i took her and her kid to the beach and we went out on lunch and dinner dates. one night she told me she loved me. i was waiting for her to tell me(i guess i was a pussy for not telling her first). i thought nothing could go wrong until i saw her make some flirtatious comments to another dude on myspace. she got defensive and couldn't understand why i was so upset. fast forward to the night i knew our relationship was over. i took her home after a sushi date. we talked about wanting a future together and things seemed fine. somehow she ended up saying that she didn't want to get too close to me because she didn't want to get hurt. to this day, i don't know if she was full of **** when she said that but right after she said it i thought to myself, "how do you love someone yet not want to get 'too close' to that person?" that's when i knew she wouldn't be with me for much longer. i think her mindset (if she really wasn't full of **** when she said she didn't want to get too close to me and fully invest in our relationship yet) kept her from being committed to me and wanting me to be the only man in her life. that's why she flirted with other guys and acted like she was single when she went out. i can't explain the psychology of women who are prone to abusive relationships and why they reject committed relationships with men they know are good for them. my point is: unless you know you can fully be in love with this guy and truly love him as your partner (i'm not sure how you can accomplish that) you should refrain from leading him on like my ex did to me. she toyed with my emotions, "made" me fall in love with her, then just discarded me like i was nothing.
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