ddvonschmitten Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 I am new to this website. I am having a bit of a problem. My husband and I have been married now for 6 years (as of yesterday) and we have a pretty healthy sex life. We don't really fight to much accept about one thing. Porn. He doesn't watch it all the time but just recently he has been watching it like everyday for hours at a time. It bothers me to no end. I know everyone says it is normal but I still can't seem to get it out of my mind. We have had some additional problems in the past with him looking at singles websites. He actually responded to some ads on a couple of occasions on craigslist. He gave his cell phone number out to a whole bunch of women. When I confronted him about this he said he was stroking his ego. He also tried to use the excuse that he thought I was snopping so he was doing it on purpose to mess with me. I actually don't buy that cause at the time I wasn't snooping. Anyway back to the porn he thinks when I ask him to stop he says I am trying to control him. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't trust him. I love him though. Anyway do any of you have any advice?
Enema Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Hours a day seems like a bit much, but if you have a healthy sex life and the only way it's hurting your relationship is because of your insecurity, I would say let him be. The dating site, answering ads and giving out his phone number though. That would be "goodbye" for me. Cheating imo.
woodsfield Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 i agree with enema...HOURS a day??? that doesnt seem possible, but if it is true it is a bit too much. men tend to like to fantansize a bit. i'd be a little worried about the dating site stuff. i don't think it's cheating persay, enema, but it's f***ed up nonetheless! i have a bro-in-law that on our rare occasion of hitting the town together to have some drinks, he takes his wedding band off. i was appauled as i've only taken mine off for doing work where it may get caught and lose a finger. after grilling him for a while (i was fairly drunk), it got down to the fact that he was stroking his ego (he is VERY egotisical). we live in a college town that girls can be very snooty, to say the least. he claims when they see the wedding band, they instantly have no interest in talking to him whatsoever. so he likes to see "how far he can take" but has no intention of taking them home. don't make since to me but i would bet lots of stable (non-cheating type of) men do that. am i wrong?
reservoirdog1 Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 In my opinion, porn itself is fine. But hours a day? Unless he only sleeps 3-4 hours per day, I'd think those several daily hours are coming at the expense of his work time or family time (i.e. time with you). Porn, in my opinion, becomes a problem in a relationship when (a) it involves something illegal, or (b) it's "used" instead of a ready, willing and available partner. As for the singles websites... totally unacceptable for somebody in a relationship. There's a reasonable possibilty that he's already cheated. Ego boost, my ass. And his explanation, that he posted on them to spoof you because he thought you were snooping? Total bullshyt. That's absolutely TEXTBOOK blameshifting behaviour. When I was married, I found out that XW had been visiting a cheaters' website and had a secret email account I didn't know about. When I confronted her, she said she'd posted there to fake ME out because she thought I'D been cheating. Like an ass, however, I swallowed it... and found out a couple of years later that she'd been a serial cheat throughout the marriage. Don't make the same mistake I made. He's so full of shyt it's coming out his ears.
HokeyReligions Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 It's not your insecurity. If he doesn't respect you enough to stop then dump him. It sounds like he's looking for a way out already anyway. Men keep harping on women to ignore their porn because it doesn't mean anything and sex and love are two different things, why can't women understand that. My answer is why can't men understand that for women sex and love are linked and porn use hurts us. We don't have to "get over it" and tolerate it - if they put porn above their women's feelings then they need to go. There are men who don't look at porn. They are the ones in happy, healthy and long lasting relationships and marriages. I wouldn't stay married to a drunk or drug user or abuser either. Their loss. Your husband giving out his cell number - honey he's already cheating. Get an STD test and get out. Your heart will hurt for a little while, but you can do better. Hell, you would be better off alone than with someone who is going to hurt you and put your life at risk. Don't wait to be trod on more than you already are - kick his ass to the curb and get your own life.
McFadden Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 The looking at porn, may be a problem for you but very normal and happens in most relationships. Giving out his number on craigslist, completely unacceptable and I think thats the bigger problem. The excuses he gave don't make sense, he would have to actually give out the number to stroke his ego. Stroking his ego would be just putting up an ad and seeing how many replies he gets.
Author ddvonschmitten Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 I know what your all saying is true to some extent. The problem is I have years invested in this relationship. We have built a family together. There are kids involved here. I do love him and I know he loves me. That being said I have installed spyware on all the computers we own and they all report to me everything that goes on on them. I feel bad, but I have to do this. Thats how I know about the pornagraphy. I guess I may have exgagerated about the length of time spent looking. It is hours but not all day, maybe like 2 hours a day. Still that is irrelevant. It bothers me none the less. The craigslist thing is much more bothersome. I do however know that no one called him. I see the cell phone bills every month. I really think we need counseling. I am a anxious nervous wreck. It has gotten better as time goes on, but I will never trust him again. Maybe we won't last, I guess only time will tell. But for now I'm sticking it out hell or high water. Thanks for all your help.
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