sugar13 Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 I know there are several postings on this website with the same title but I couldn't think of anything else that summed up my problem as well as "I can't stop thinking of him." My dilemma: I have become really good friends with the guy that lives across the street from me. We have alot of things in common. We sometimes stand outside and talk for hours. He is a very good-looking guy but we are both married. I only considered him a good friend and "eye candy." LOL A week ago, he actually told me he liked me and wanted to have an affair. We texted and talked on the phone for 2 days. We decided not to do anything because we didn't want to ruin our friendship and hurt our families. Now it is very awkward on my part. I see him everyday. I can't talk to him like I used to. I can't stop thinking of him. It was better not knowing he liked me too. The stupid thing is it hurts my pride that he is able to continue like nothing happened. Any advice?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 YES! My advice to you is to do a search on Answerplease and forbiddenfruit. Go to their first posts and then read through to the most recent. This will tell you what you can expect should you choose to persue this. Also, you might want to post on the OM/OW forum as these 2 posters could be of incredible help in your situation. I would like to offer you this link though to better understand what you are experiencing. [COLOR=#0000ff]Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/COLOR] Good luck in making a good decision.
Lynna Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 Go get some counseling. Start with individual counseling for youself but also consider marriage counseling. Get some books on how to reconnet with your husband. Concentrate on your marriage and your husband, go on dates together, spend family time together (stay away from the TV and computer and actually engage with each other). DON'T let this thing go any farther, you KNOW that it is wrong. Have as little contact with this other guy as possible!
quiet1one1 Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 I would like to offer you this link though to better understand what you are experiencing. [COLOR=#0000ff]Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/COLOR] Great link IWWH. Very interesting stuff.
smartgirl Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 You are infatuated, plain and simple. Google that word and you will find a lot of good descriptions of what you are feeling. It is common to try and find meaning in these strong feelings. Like, you must be meant for each other or this must be something you are destined to do or you will regret it for the rest of your life if you don't find out. Trust me, you will regret it more if you act on this. Your life will never be the same and the innocence will be lost from your marriage forever. This is lust and infatuation. It has a strong physical as well as psychological grip on you right now. The only cure is to stay away from the guy for a long time. Are you really interested in being his little convenient F*** buddy?
Author sugar13 Posted July 24, 2007 Author Posted July 24, 2007 Thanks for the advice IfWishesWereHorses. I did what you said and I got alot of insight. Smartgirl, I kept telling myself that I am definitely not going there but I knew in the back of my mind there was that "what if." MM and I both married young and the attention from another guy is great. But I never thought about it the way you put it. I do NOT want to be his little convenient f*** buddy! Thanks for the blunt honesty. I love that about you guys.
luvstarved Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 Hi, I just wanted to add one more little morsel of food for thought. You said that it hurt your pride that he can continue to act as though nothing happened...to me, this is an indication that this guy was probably "just fishing" and that chances are you would just have just been the next in a line of affairs for him. Imagine how your pride would feel if you got involved with him and then he dumped you when he got bored? Imagine how uncomfortable it would be to live across the street then... My H's sister got involved with a guy who sounds like this one and it nearly destroyed her. She thought she was in love with him and when things got boring for him and not worth the risk anymore, she was stunned when he started avoiding her and refusing to take her calls. She thought something real was going on between them. Even when she had to accept that it wasn't, she was very depressed because she had become essentially addicted to the hot and illicit sex and would have totally ditched her pride just to get another roll with him. The same thing happened to me once upon a time. It very nearly destroyed me, too. DON'T GO THERE!
ARDriver01 Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 I don't think you love your husband enough. If you did, you wouldn't have frequented this other guy with conversation and whatnot. You say your feelings are hurt because he this other guy doesn't really care. Imagine if you can how your husbands feelings would be hurt(life ruined and changed forever) if he knew the slightest bit about your indecisive and fickle behavior. If you think you love your husband, then explore that feeling in depth. Discover what it is that you love about him and be a good wife. It's not worth it. If you ever make this mistake, both your lives will be forever clouded and unsafe. Also, I suggest you move.
East of Jupiter Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Being attracted to someone else is normal. It's what you do that can either make you a better person or hurt everyone around you. You won't like this advice but I guarantee you that it will do the trick and possible make your marriage stronger and better. Tell your husband. Do so with kidness and honesty and without any hurtful and needless comments like he is so hot I can't stand it. Nothing will pop that bubble of sexual desire out of your head that shine reality onto it. Most people end up telling of being found out after. You have the chance to show your husband how much he means to you and show yourself how much respect your have for yourself. You got great advice from others here and I agree with them. Men, especially womanizers (and do you know which type your neighbor is?) will tell you anything and everything you want to hear for the excitement of sex. Once everything comes out, the large percentage of them turn out to be human roaches. Don't be a roach coach.
East of Jupiter Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 My husband and I had this agreement 22 years ago when we got married, that we would tell the other if we were attracted to someone else. Then we would talk about it and find out what was lacking in our relationship. It worked out for awhile. We each found ourselves in that situation over the years. I only wish he had come to me when he decided to have the affair. It went on more than a year. I would have appreciated the courtesy of him telling me instead of me finding it out on my own. Be kind but tell him and then tell him you didn't do anything, but that you believe that your marriage is more important than anything. Then you two need to talk about your relationship. We tend to blame ourselves. That you two had the honesty to discuss things does not mean that somehow led him to cheat. It also doesn't make him either a bad person or a womanizer. Just a human being with flawed thinking who make a mistake. Unless, he is still being a jackass. I assume he made amends and is now working on himself and your trust? I to blamed myself in a way. We role played and did a lot of dirty talk which included his fantasy of a threesome. Did I work him up to do what he did? Yes, I thought so then. Now, I tell you that I know I was being a fantabulous lover (wink). That he took that and made it into something else, has nothing to do with me.
silktricks Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Now, I tell you that I know I was being a fantabulous lover (wink). That he took that and made it into something else, has nothing to do with me. Good that you have realized that. All of us BS too often take upon ourselves all of the blame for the problems in our relationships. The reality is that we have some of the blame - 'cuz it always takes two to make things good or bad - but they made the choice to cheat. We didn't. BTW, welcome to LS. I think you're new.
East of Jupiter Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Good that you have realized that. All of us BS too often take upon ourselves all of the blame for the problems in our relationships. The reality is that we have some of the blame - 'cuz it always takes two to make things good or bad - but they made the choice to cheat. We didn't. BTW, welcome to LS. I think you're new. Thank you for the welcome. I take absolutely no responsibility for my husband's cheating. I didn't drive him to it, cause it or in any way "made him do it." His was not a one time mistake. We had a most beautiful relationship and a very happy home. He has issues that predate me. But that is my story. If anything, I know that everyone has their own.
justice Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 Being attracted to someone else is normal. It's what you do that can either make you a better person or hurt everyone around you. You won't like this advice but I guarantee you that it will do the trick and possible make your marriage stronger and better. Tell your husband. Do so with kidness and honesty and without any hurtful and needless comments like he is so hot I can't stand it. Nothing will pop that bubble of sexual desire out of your head that shine reality onto it. Most people end up telling of being found out after. You have the chance to show your husband how much he means to you and show yourself how much respect your have for yourself. You got great advice from others here and I agree with them. Men, especially womanizers (and do you know which type your neighbor is?) will tell you anything and everything you want to hear for the excitement of sex. Once everything comes out, the large percentage of them turn out to be human roaches. Don't be a roach coach. I couldn't agree more. Very sage advice EOJ. Expose this thing to light before it festers and boils up and explodes on everyone, causing the infection to spread needlessly.
Recommended Posts