singlecanadianmom Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Thank god for these forums. Lets you know others are going through something similar. So i'm 31 years old and have a 6 month old baby. Well, 3 weeks after baby is born my husband comes home and says he is not happy and has not felt "in love" for some time (seems to be a common theme on these boards, makes me wonder what unrealistic expectations people have of being "in love" for ever). Anyway, We have only been married for 2 years, together for 7. Looking back, there has been a lot of distance between us for most of the relationship. Somehow I settled for a distant partner, just because he said I love you and liked to cuddle and spend time sometimes, looking back, however, I realize we never really connected on an intellectual or emotional level. Anyone else keep asking themselves why did I settle? I am told by others that I am attractive, cute, fun, loving etc. so why wouldn't he want me? Anyhow, we have been going to counselling and trying to work things out over the last few months, but he has been living elsewhere and getting more and more distant, and so I find out about a week ago he has been having an affair (for the last month he says), but says he wants to work it out, doesn't want to loose me but wants to figure out what has been missing from our relationship. So now here I am wondering why i'm still hanging around. Is it the memory of some of the good times? Is it the fear of being alone, a single mom with such a young child? Is it really possible that he will be able to see his contribution to things and fix it? Or am I just crazy for trying so hard? Am I just banging my head against the same wall over and over again?
ARDriver01 Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Hey, I'm truly sorry that you're having to go through this. I really am. He says that he wants to work it out and figure out what's been missing from the relationship. How sorry is he? Did he get on his knees and apologize to you? It's not your fault he cheated. How little reguard. I'm sorry, I don't like cheaters. My wife cheated, I stayed because I had been gone for months in the Middle East, and I missed her so much. Then the work began, and I've been working at it for a year and 1/2 now and it's very, very hard. You and your child have been robbed of a big piece of life. Safety and happiness will be foreign to you for some time but you have to take care of yourself and your baby. Yeah... You have a baby to care for and these years are crucial. If you decide to try to make it work, you're going to have to carry his mistakes and the irreputable harm it will continue to cause. It's a tough decision. Try to connect with your SO (and I say that because he's doesn't deserve the handle of husband right now) find out how sincere he is about his guilt and responsibility. See if he's willing enough to make it up to you for the rest of his life. He DOES owe it to you both. The minute he begins to put blame on you, LEAVE.
ARDriver01 Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Hey, I'm truly sorry that you're having to go through this. I really am. He says that he wants to work it out and figure out what's been missing from the relationship. How sorry is he? Did he get on his knees and apologize to you? It's not your fault he cheated. How little reguard. I'm sorry, I don't like cheaters. My wife cheated, I stayed because I had been gone for months in the Middle East, and I missed her so much. Then the work began, and I've been working at it for a year and 1/2 now and it's very, very hard. You and your child have been robbed of a big piece of life. Safety and happiness will be foreign to you for some time but you have to take care of yourself and your baby. Yeah... You have a baby to care for and these years are crucial. If you decide to try to make it work, you're going to have to carry his mistakes and the irreputable harm it will continue to cause. It's a tough decision. Try to connect with your SO (and I say that because he's doesn't deserve the handle of husband right now) find out how sincere he is about his guilt and responsibility. See if he's willing enough to make it up to you for the rest of his life. He DOES owe it to you both. The minute he begins to put blame on you, LEAVE.
Ssheena Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 If he wants to work it out, why the F* is he having an affair? He can not have his cake and eat it too. At 31 your life is no where near over. I can tell you plenty of stories about women with babies who have met the love of their lives while they have had small babies. You are asking yourself some good questions. Step back and really look at what your answers are. Don't be scared of being alone. You will discover just how strong you are - especially now that you have a child.
dgiirl Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Don't be scared of being alone. You will discover just how strong you are - especially now that you have a child. Agreed!! I was absolutely terrified of living alone, but it was the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. I learned how strong I was and that was such a liberating experience. I think every single person should live at one point in their lives alone! It will give you a brand new sense of accomplishment and make you cherish the people in your lives. And unless you live on top of some isolated mountain, you are never truly alone! There are people EVERYwhere, and a lot of them are very nice people willing to help you if you ever needed it. And a lot of them are feeling alone too. As a society, we dont talk about it too much, but a lot of people are lonely. I realize that a lot of my coworkers were living these lonely lives, and once they heard about my situation, they opened up their lives to me and loved the chance to hang out with me. Everyone's so afraid to ask because they dont want to impose.
Melovator Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 singlecanadianmum- singleaussiemum (aka melovator) knows where you are coming from, except my baby was older, and my ex didn't even consider counselling. However, there is no point in counselling if he's f**king someone else and while he's f**king someone else you can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He says he wants to work it out, doesn't want to loose me but wants to figure out what has been missing from our relationship. How can he do any of that while he's f**king someone else? It can't be done. Because you can't trust him as long as he is, and he's not respecting you while he's doing it- trust, respect are kind of essential in a relationship... So now here I am wondering why i'm still hanging around. Is it the memory of some of the good times? Is it the fear of being alone, a single mom with such a young child? Is it really possible that he will be able to see his contribution to things and fix it? Or am I just crazy for trying so hard? Am I just banging my head against the same wall over and over again? Keep asking yourself the questions, eventually you do start getting answers. Questions are good. You should think about you, what you want for your child and yourself, because he is very obviously thinking about himself. Why should you waste your time thinking about someone who is not returning the favour? And he dumped the "I'm not 'in love' with you" when your baby was 3 weeks old! 3 weeks! Jerk! Jerk! wankety Jerk! LoveShack was a wonderful discovery for me and reading different threads here helped me a lot. Ssheena is right you will discover just how strong you really are because you're a mother now- you don't get the luxury of falling apart- you still have to get up and feed and clothe and bathe and play with that little person- and that having to get out of bed and face the world- even if its just to get nappies and chocolate- helps you know you CAN get out of the darkened bedroom.
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