electric_sheep Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 You know, I've decided having someone move in is basically the same as getting married. I mean, there are one of two possible outcomes... you stay with them for the rest of your life, or you don't. Either outcome seems likely fraught with peril and pain. Sometimes I'm excited about it, sometimes I'm just nervous as sh*t.
jcster Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 You know, I've decided having someone move in is basically the same as getting married. I used to think that way until I got married. It's similar - but it's not the same at all. Marriage has it's own special set of expectations and worries. It's a whole other ballgame. And - when it all comes crashing down - it makes a bigger mess.
Art_Critic Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Congrats... Time to celebrate.. and try not to muck it up by having your stuff and her stuff.. make it both of yours stuff.. One of the mistakes people make when they decide to blend lives and merge homes is they keep it as if they are roommates and never get past it..
jcster Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 One of the mistakes people make when they decide to blend lives and merge homes is they keep it as if they are roommates and never get past it.. I disagree. By far, I've seen merging of households being more common than keeping them separate. I also don't advocate merging too many things right away. It's psychologically tough to keep each other's lives separated when one moves in together - but it's vital. Going from you and me to "we" is to be avoided at all costs. It seems like a boost in intimacy, but it's often a weakening of boundaries that can threaten your relationship. I'm not saying that you should have "his and her" cookware, but when it comes to the things like cars and money, it's pretty important for everyone to manage their own business. This is advice I've never taken, myself - and I've lived to regret it. The fights that become inevitable when in close quarters with each other become even worse when one party feels dependent upon the other. Beware of merging for convenience!!!!
Art_Critic Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 I disagree. By far, I've seen merging of households being more common than keeping them separate. I also don't advocate merging too many things right away. then why move in together ? I have lived with many many women thruout my years and have only had successful relationships with those that we blended things.. If you start out by halfing all the bills right down the middle and watching who buys what food in the fridge then you are NOT merging and blending lives. The worst thing you could do is sleep in the same bed and share your bodies and fluids as well as holidays and vacations and in some cases children but not share the rest of your lives.. I'm not saying blend checking accounts right away but as soon as two people move in it becomes WE immediately and keeping it ME and YOU will create resentment and add stress later on in the relationship JMO though.. take it for what it's worth..
jcster Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Halve out the bills, definitely. You can share the food! It's important that both parties feel like they are contributing equally! If both of you together can't afford the apartment, then move. I mean it. It's very easy to create a power disparity early on in the relationship that will cause tons of problems later. And, people who live together share far more than "body fluids." The simple sharing of space, every day at all hours is a profound change. It's important for both parties to keep their equilibrium. Derail the resentments before they appear - because they definitely will. This is where living together and marriage are different. A lot of people "pretend" they are married when they are living together. They expect each other to make concessions where there is absolutely no payoff. I personally think (and this is a HUGE change from my previously held beliefs) that if you are planning on marrying this person, you shouldn't move in together first. It's a lot more stressful simply living with your S.O. when there's not an overwhelming reason (marriage) to stick together. Power imbalances that were created while living together will spill over into marriage...count on it.
Art_Critic Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 I guess it really does matter to why you are moving in together. To split bills or to test the relationships resolve for marriage http://www.foxcarolina.com/family/3593525/detail.html I'll pull away some from my first post and say that keeping things separate can have it's advantages in case of a breakup.. those big ticket items bought like couches and TV's would be clearly yours instead of fighting over who gets what.. Since it isn't a marriage there isn't any protection..
alphamale Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Sometimes I'm excited about it, sometimes I'm just nervous as sh*t. generally its not a good idea to live together....women love it cause they can save a lot of money AND keep an eye on you 24/7/365. not a good deal in my book. I'd rather spend more money but have my freedom.
jcster Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 not a good deal in my book. I'd rather spend more money but have my freedom. I agree...and from a gold digging, suspicious female no less!
alphamale Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 I agree...and from a gold digging, suspicious female no less! 4 or 5 women I dated in the past asked to move in with me or me to move in with them. I declined all the offers
allina Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 When you are feeling nervous about her moving in are you still happy and excited about it or are there times of real doubt? I think if you have any actual doubts you shouldn't move in with her, though it isn't marriage moving in together is a HUGE deal and not easy to undo. Also if you move in with her and aren't 100% sure that it's what you want it'll cause resentment on your part, leading to fighting/arguing. I remember a few of your past threads, have those issues been worked out? Does she think living together will solve any issues you two may have had?
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