Slippy72 Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 I really thought I was past feeling so bad. Anyone who's seen me posting the past week will probably of noticed I've generally been a lot better. It's been nearly 5 months since my girlfriend left me, I started NC after about 3, then suffered a set back when she contacted me out of nowhere asking to get back together. I swept that aside and made a lot of progress again, until this morning... I found out she was cheating on me whilst we were dating. Towards the end. And quite a few people knew about it, except for me. I don't like her anyway, and don't want to get back with her or even speak to her ever again. But this hurts. Really really badly. I'm glad I didn't find out a few months ago when I was absolutely at the lowest of lows as it would of pushed me over the edge. Still, I have this sickening feeling in my stomach, how can people treat us like this sometimes? I was doing so so good too, making loads of progress. Now I find this out.
Chinook Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Oh ****. You too huh..? I found out same thing today too.
uniqueone Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 I'm sorry you're hurting Slippy. But think of it this way.....it gives you such a definitive feeling for the ending of that relationship. It makes you feel like you made the right decision (even if they're the one who ended it). Who would want to be with a cheater? It can be easier to walk away from a "bad" person than a good one so this can actually help you. Would you have wanted someone like that? As for people knowing and not telling you...sure, you felt like a fool, right? Well people don't really know what to do in those situations. They might not have approved of her cheating but figured they'd better stay out of it because it was between the two of you. They know that sometimes if an outsider gets involved, they end up getting blamed. A lot of people just want to avoid the drama because they have their own drama in their life to deal with. Try not to take it personally. Be glad you're rid of her.
BeyondThePale Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 I know it sucks to find out something like that. I have been in a similar situation with ex's a couple of times. It sucks to feel like you were completely betrayed and had no idea but try to focus on the positive. You weren't that vile of a human being to do that to her and it should just help cement it in that she is not good for you and don't want to be with her. Good luck, try to stay busy.
Author Slippy72 Posted July 23, 2007 Author Posted July 23, 2007 It just seems that everytime I make progress over about a week or so, something comes along and puts me right back at square one. Yesterday, I was barely thinking about her at all, now, I'm looking at all the old photos and I really wished she was lying next to me this morning when I woke up. Thanks for your help guys, keep them coming cause I need it right now. Like I said, I'm not as bad as I would have been had I found this out a few months back, but it's still got me in a bad bad way.
uniqueone Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 I'm looking at all the old photos and I really wished she was lying next to me this morning when I woke up. *ahem* Go read what I wrote Chinook!
Author Slippy72 Posted July 23, 2007 Author Posted July 23, 2007 *ahem* Go read what I wrote Chinook! I don't understand? I'm not Chinook though.
uniqueone Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 I don't understand? I'm not Chinook though. Yes, I know you're not her...I was just telling you to read what I wrote to her because your situation is similar. Here's what I wrote to her: But at least it makes you get angry and anger helps you to get over them. Aren't you glad to be rid of someone like that? What you're mourning is the loss of what you thought he was. Your mourning that image you created of him at the beginning when the chemicals that are released during the attraction phase blind us to any flaws. You're feeling like you can't trust your own judgement anymore. Some of what you thought was reality was really a lie. That's very disorienting and that's why you're feeling so vulnerable. You lost trust and that's made you afraid which is a feeling of weakness and you don't like feeling weak. You need to process this....your brain needs to play catch up between what it thought was the truth at the time and the information it is finding out now. You'll go back to moments in the past and say "aha" as your mind will make sense out of things that didn't quite piece together at the time (because of lies). It'll take time but you'll get through this, Chinook
BeyondThePale Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Yes, I know you're not her...I was just telling you to read what I wrote to her because your situation is similar. Here's what I wrote to her: But at least it makes you get angry and anger helps you to get over them. Aren't you glad to be rid of someone like that? What you're mourning is the loss of what you thought he was. Your mourning that image you created of him at the beginning when the chemicals that are released during the attraction phase blind us to any flaws. You're feeling like you can't trust your own judgement anymore. Some of what you thought was reality was really a lie. That's very disorienting and that's why you're feeling so vulnerable. You lost trust and that's made you afraid which is a feeling of weakness and you don't like feeling weak. You need to process this....your brain needs to play catch up between what it thought was the truth at the time and the information it is finding out now. You'll go back to moments in the past and say "aha" as your mind will make sense out of things that didn't quite piece together at the time (because of lies). It'll take time but you'll get through this, Chinook That is great advice! I have gone through the same thing, feeling a little better for a while then I find out something and BAM! Back to square one. It really is your brain trying to process the information. I have had the "aha!" moments several times now where I ignored things that I didn't want to see.
Author Slippy72 Posted July 23, 2007 Author Posted July 23, 2007 Ok, sorry uniqueone, you had me confused there for a bit that's all. What you've said is 100% true, and I can totally realise it now. I know for sure that it is definitely over because I wouldn't want somebody like that. But it's just regret, and I've started blaming myself, I keep asking 'maybe if I were a better boyfriend in the last few weeks of the relationship this wouldn't of happened'. I know what you said is true, it's just I'm having a hard time accepting it and also, I keep blaming myself even though she's the scumbag at fault.
Trialbyfire Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Blaming yourself is a form of control. If it's your fault, you could have done something about it, therefore, you regain control of the situation. I disagree with this methodology. Better to say, okay, here are some things I'd like to fix about myself but also understanding that cheating is a very selfish act to force on someone else. Cheating is 100% personal choice by the cheater.
uniqueone Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 But it's just regret, and I've started blaming myself, I keep asking 'maybe if I were a better boyfriend in the last few weeks of the relationship this wouldn't of happened'. Relationships have good days and bad. Do you want someone who has to cheat when things aren't going so smoothly? They're selfish.
Chinook Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Guys, come on cut the guy a break. You're making it sound like he should just get over it when it's not that easy. He lost someone he loved first and then discovered that it wasn't as it seemed. When that happens you can live with the fact they didn't feel the same way, but to then discover it's because they betrayed you with someone else, that fcking bites hard. Of course, everyone here knows - no one wants someone like that in their life. But that doesn't just turn the feelings off. It doesn't make it right overnight. Slippy found this out today, just like I did. Just like Uniqueone told me elsewhere, this has to be processed and it will heal. One thing Slippy, you absolutely did your best. You know why I know that...? Because I did my best too. In the last few weeks I could have been a better girlfriend, of course I could. But that was before I realised that HE was doing everything he could to push us towards oblivion, the fights, the arguments, the name calling, the bickering...all of it... it is all absolutely CRYSTAL CLEAR now why that happened. HE engineered it to happen that way so that I would dump him and I never did - because I COMMITTED myself to him, to get through anything. He walked away, not me. I told him at the beginning of our relationship that he would walk away before I did and I was right. Also, my relationship ended with him with no question hanging over my morals, my integrity or my love for him. That I am quite sure is probably the same for you too. Hang in there. We're better than this.
uniqueone Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Chinook, I don't think any of us here expect him to be over it by what we've said to him. I'm really confused over your post. Are we supposed to say "yeah, it was a great relationship...it's so sad." ? Is wallowing in it going to help him? Is living in the fantasy of what you thought it was, going to help you accept the reality of what it actual is? We DO feel for him and care that he's hurting. We're just trying to show him that he's hurting over someone who's not worth hurting for. That person is not worth that kind of pain. If he sees that that kind of person is not worth that kind of pain, he might just stop hurting.
funkybassplayer Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 I have come to realise that it does not matter if they cheated, were selfish, had a personality problem, treated us with no respect, or just walked away from us without a care, the fact is we loved them, thats why we are here, and trying to make out they were whatever doe'nt make our pain any easier. I see my exs face so clear in my head still, and i miss them all so much, and i had to deal with so much in my relationship to the point that i sacrificed my own happyness to clear a parth, which she never saw, and then dumped me. But i loved her thats why we put up with it, b/c we saw the good in them, no we have to heal, and get better to when we dont feel hate or anger. I have to say, through all my posts, i showed many emotions as we all have and are, btu i always said that i loved her very much, and at the end of the day, in my heart i do want her to be happy. She thinks im over her i guess, but if she knew how hard it is, then she would no my love was so deep. Its sad that she never saw it in the relationship, as she was too busy being centre of attention. But she was my baby, my life, and i tried to protect her and her kids, and look after them and try to make thier lives better. I obviously never, but thats why its so hard to let go, b/c we loved them to the point of sacrifice, they just nevr loved us as much as we thought, and all of us are going through the mill at the mo.
Author Slippy72 Posted July 23, 2007 Author Posted July 23, 2007 Just wanted to say thanks for your help guys, I'm not really in a talkative mood right now, I'm still pretty down so I'm gonna take a little walk to try and clear my head (at 1 in the morning...) and then post when I come back. Once again, thanks for all your comments, really appreciate it.
jackmerridew Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 I'm so sorry to hear that Slippy and Chinook. I guess one thing I'm thankful for my ex is that she told me, albeit probably not the whole truth. I've been in a real low too. Not just with the whole pregnancy thing (she hasn't answered my calls. I just want to know what she found out or if she even bothered to take the test), but just the whole missing her thing. I've been working out, jogging and going to the gym, to focus in on the burn and pain. I've also been drinking a lot, but now my funds have been totally sapped. So the least I could do now is burn all the carbs from the beers and tears I've been drinking. I wanna get fit, so I can look good for the next gal. And at the same time, it gives me something to focus on. So when I woke up this morning, there was the pain of missing her, and then the sore muscles, and I try to focus on the muscles. Slippy and Chinook, there's little I can say to you that would be any productive, so I'm sorry for that. Your recent revelations, as much as you would like it to be, isn't quite the magic button you need to turn off your feelings to your loss. I know I'm trying to find one myself.
uniqueone Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 Hi Slippy...hope taking a walk helps. I'm sure a lot is going through your mind. Your brain has gotten new information and it's trying to make sense of it all. Because of this new information, it's having to rebuild your past now....to rebuild what you saw as reality. It's very disorienting. Humans have survived over the years by relying on their senses and you just found out that your senses informed you incorrectly. What you heard wasn't true. What you saw wasn't what really was. So then you wonder if what you felt was real or not or if you were mistaken about that too. You're trying to get your equilibrium back. I've been through what you're going through and it takes your mind back to things. You'll think...that time she said she was going shopping with her friend and she came back and you asked what was new with her friend Carrie (who always has a crazy story) and she said "nothing much" and then asked you about the game you were watching (and she hates sports). Or to a woman in this situation: the time he said he was going to a buddy's house but he was dressed a little too nice and you thought he smelled like cologne. He told you it must be that new soap he was using. These things will play in your mind because you're forming your new reality...you're recreating your past. You have to though because that is what will get you to trust your senses again. It tells your brain "now I know what signs to look out for." Course we may very well do it again sometime but we're at least telling our brain "pay attention to these cues the next time." It's just part of how we're built to survive. My point of this is (I do actually have one) you will have a lot for your mind to go over. Allow yourself some time to do it but try not to let it take over the entire day either. And write about how you feel...in a journal or here. Take one day at a time...concentrate on just getting through the day and set aside some time to do something that you enjoy. That's all my rambling for now.....
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