fantasyangel Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 In my current relationship, we've been together a little over a year, he lived about 1000 miles away with his parents since he graduated last year, and I was still in college. He drove all the way here to visit me for the summer and he's been living with me in my apartment for the past two months. And....he has a gambling problem. He thinks that after he plays enough, he'll be able to "make it big" and that online poker can be his career. He borrowed probably around $10,000 last year from me and his other friends to play poker...in the end his parents had to pay us all back cause he lost it all. These past few months, he used my credit card and took money out of my bank without permission, adding up to a total of probably around $9,000 (including charges my bank gave me because he overdrew $1000). The couple months we've been living together he's been smoking lots of cigarettes, smoking lots of weed with our friends, "borrowing" money from me so that he can pay for these habits, and just basically sitting on his ass playing poker and video games all day. (I play video games also, but he plays like it's all there is to life) After we've been talking about this the past few weeks, he's admitted to his gambling problem, and that he's going back home to live with his parents and they're making him find a full-time job to pay me back all the money. He says he promises he'll pay me back every cent. I thought this was a very good turnaround. He wanted to get his life on track and make a good life for both of us. Lately he's been irritated easily. He gets mad easily, frustrated, and overreacts. For example, today (probably the worst overreaction I've seen from him) he was playing an online video game and he wanted to get food somewhere. I looked up the number for him in the yellowbook so that he could call it. He ended up dying in the game/getting his teammates mad at him because he wasn't paying attention to the game. He kinda flipped out and yelled at me about why I couldn't call and order food for him cause he was busy. I told him I was writing a long e-mail to my dad, and he was just playing a video game. He proceeded to get incredibly angry saying how he was sick of putting up with my crap, and he got his suitcase and packed up all his things. He couldn't find his cellphone, so he grabbed mine and started using it. I asked for it back and he wouldn't give it back so I tried to grab it. He pushed me hard down to the floor and said "yeah, go ahead and start crying, as if it's all my fault". (he denies it ever happened like this) I don't want to go into too many details...but I feel like this should be the last straw, but I can't seem to let go. I still hope that he'll come back in a few hours and apologize and everything will be okay. Did I do something wrong to make him act out in the way that he did? I know he's been upset at me lately because he hates being nagged and I've been asking him how he's going to pay for the $9000 he owes me. Maybe I just asked for too much? I don't know, I'm really confused. I love him, and I feel that when I decided to be in this relationship with him, I was also saying that I would be there for him, have faith and believe in him, and help him through the hard times (and vice versa, of course).
Enema Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Yes that should be the last straw. He's a deadbeat that abuses you physically and emotionally. He steals from you, has a gambling problem, is unemployed and doesn't exhibit any caring behaviour or take responsibility for his problems. You're an attractive woman, switched on woman. Please, get out and find someone that deserves you.
SnowyCafe Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 I think that he is a jerk. I think you would be so happy with a STABLE boyfriend with a HEART. So clear to me and i bet its a hazy storm for you. Well I feel pretty much identical to you right now. My boyfriend can be a Jerk, I think its mainly when he drunk, i HARDLY ever drink because i dont like the way he is drunk, hes VERY bipolor... He mostly drinks just when im gone/working and hes by himself, bad i know... hes hurt me and theres probably several differnt stories Im pretty insecure about myself in several ways, thank god i hear god with me lately, telling me those things i use to think or the way he makes me feel arent true. But when i use to believe the way I felt ...I couldnt even handle it, I remeber the first few times he acted like a drunk jerk, I cut myself on new years eve night cause i didnt know how the **** to handle it, theres my idotic best friend and him chit chatting and laughing together, granted theyre not flirting or anything like that, but all night he said cruel terrible things to me.. just that i had an attitude problem, and that he didnt know why he was with me(he doesnt say that now), i couldnt take it, then when he was nice to her and talking about me to her,(like i dont know whats wrong with her?) and she... a complte ( to put it nicely) CHICKEN-**** to stand up to people or THINK about her friends feelings, I went upstairs and cut myself in someone else bathroom.. I NEVER did that before but that was one of the WORST feelings i can remeber and describe, to have the most terrible fight you possibly could, hate yourself, broken heart, and see your boyfriend and best friend chatting and laughing...... i even asked her to do something, she said she didnt know what to do or didnt notice anything maybe... I told her i needed help and felt like **** .....shes like that... i learned about both of them that night now ive been with him almost two years,i spend more time at his house then mine, i probably loaned him under 2,000 total... when he has money he spends a good deal on me however, and gave me money before when i wasnt working, hes in the ****ter with his bills and keeping up...he doesnt have a car... he needs a better job but cant get to work, it will take more time then i had expected for him to fix his life...he works on improving things, but everything so slow I tell him not to waste his money on beer.... he doesnt listen to me he likes to get drunk weekly...maybe sometimes bi weekly maybe sometimes a few times a week ( not typical but im sure its happened) He can be sweet, and appertiative, or he can step on my heart, or crush a dream, im not sure if he realises it sometimes... This is embarressing for me to say, i wanted to learn to latin dance so badly and have tried at a begineer level for a while, anyways i saw he was drunk, no idea how much, decide to be happy and perky instead of complain about his drunkness.... he basicly kept telling me i was doing this right with me toe/ wasnt stepping EXACTLY with the "base tempo".. I was like.... i dont care I have to PRACTISE the steps a lot more first, anyways he told me to practice by myself and hed watch me o_0 i felt like an idiot............ i really felt dumb.... i did it... but it still wasnt right........so what.......................... im going to learn little fragments at a time, he wanted me to do eveything perfect and the rythem perfect all at once, ... i told him i wasnt going to dance by myself anymore, he told me ill always "suck" ( came from my mouth first) untill i do it more "by myself" was dancing to music.... and thought i was doing better ...not bad... im a begineer and ... it was decently good! i was having fun he finaly shook his head, said just nevermind and turned on the TV that hurt me so terribly this was about 3 hours ago, sometimes i wish he could just beat the **** out of me.... so i can have a 100 percent clear cut reason to get rid of him, the time/s he saw the next morning how i cut myself, he wa sSOOOOOOOO apologetic, especialy at first because he thought he was going to loose me.............. this only gives you one piece of him as a WHOLE boyfriend, and WHOLE person, i fear that i will never find anyone "nice enough" I care about him so much, im the only reason he lives in this state, and probably the country...... his life improved so much when he met me... in a lot of ways, that makes me feel good... he took better care of his health for example, he stoped goig to bars... he hasnt been evicted from his apartment .... ive brough him happiness.... but i cant understand his zero percent compassion for my feelings..... theres so much more to say .....but heres my start, mayve ill post this in my own thread, but.. i thought id talk to you about it first, i dont know how to fix my heart
Cobra_X30 Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 Holy Cow! This is a really nasty guy. I gaurantee you can do so much better. Any idea how many guys would kill for a girlfriend like you? Go find a guy that treats you right!
Author fantasyangel Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 Well, now the situation's gotten worse. I did read everyone advice, and I really do take it to heart...but I just couldn't do it. I really really wish I didn't love him, because that would make things so much easier. Him and I talked to his dad about all the problems...we've all agreed that he'll find a full-time job and pay off my credit card and all the money he owes me. I figured that he seriously wanted to fix everything and understood how severe the situation was. He's moved back to the east coast now, while I've moved back home with my parents in the midwest. He's planning on going to grad school at home, and he wanted me to find a job there and move out there to live with him. I did think about this for awhile...wondering if picking up everything I know and moving out there for him was the best thing for me...but knowing me and how attached I am, I started looking for jobs near where he lives. I asked him to please help me find jobs because I was so frustrated not being able to find a job (and if I couldn't find a job soon, I would have to stay at home with my parents and take some classes at a community college). He said he would, but then he kept procrastinating and playing online video games, watching tv, etc. for a few days. I got fed up one day and called him. He didn't answer, so I called his house phone. He got angry and told him not to call him on his house phone and hung up on me. I got mad about this and then IMed him saying I wanted my computer back (I lent it to him). He IMed back saying that it was totally over between us. The fight was basically me bringing up all the **** he did to me with the money he stole from me...basically I got mad and brought up how he "wronged" me. He blocked me from AIM for a few hours, then unblocked me...but still refused to answer my calls and wouldn't talk to me. When we finally talked...he said that he decided he doesn't want to date someone who brings up his faults when we fight. That he was sick of putting up with my ****. I didn't think he was serious about breaking up...but this was Tuesday evening...two days ago. I understand that I shouldn't have brought something up that was irrelevant to the topic at hand...I was at fault for getting so mad and using the past against him. Right now I can't think of anything other than how I really don't want to lose him. It hurts so much, even though I know that he's done some horrible things to me in the past. Please, any advice on how to get through this or what to do.
funkybassplayer Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 My ex always brought up crap from the past in aruments, i let it go, cos i loved her. If he loves you, he would have too. You cant help how he feels, but he does sound to me like hes trying to run away from his debt rather than work it out with you.
Balalaika Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 I think you need to redefine what the word 'love' means to you. You keep saying you love him so much... what exactly is it that you 'love' about him?. Is this what love looks like to you?. Somehow I doubt it is otherwise you wouldn't be on here questioning if this bout of behaviour is the last straw. Seriously, get yourself a pen and paper, divide it in two, head one column with "his positive qualities and behaviours", the other "his negative qualities and behaviours". I think it may help you see reality a bit clearer if you seperated your emotions from the facts. Start listing away.... write his REALITY based positive qualities and behaviours, not your imagined ones based on how you wish he was, or how he was when you first started dating, but his positives right here and now. Same goes for the negatives. If the positives outway the negatives then clearly, you're on a winner. But if the negatives outway the positives, then I'd be questioning exactly what the hell I'm doing to myself, and why. Most importantly, I think you need to define what the words 'self love' mean to you because you've either never had it or it did a major runner when this guy came onto your scene. For all his messed up behaviours, addictions and irresponsibility, your behaviours (blaming yourself?!), addictions (him) and irresponsibility (to yourself) are just as messed up. Continually focusing on him and his behaviours, yet only looking at yourself long enough to blame yourself (his manipulations) is a clever but self destructive way of keeping yourself exactly where you are. The day you say you love YOU more than him, the day you work out that your relationship with yourself is THE most important one you'll ever have, is the day you'll stop tolerating this crap for youself under the pitiful cry of "I love him soooooo much". Unfortunately, he's got you exactly where he wants you emotionally and mentally, and he knows it. But it takes two to play this game.
funkybassplayer Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 I think you need to redefine what the word 'love' means to you. You keep saying you love him so much... what exactly is it that you 'love' about him?. Is this what love looks like to you?. Somehow I doubt it is otherwise you wouldn't be on here questioning if this bout of behaviour is the last straw. Seriously, get yourself a pen and paper, divide it in two, head one column with "his positive qualities and behaviours", the other "his negative qualities and behaviours". I think it may help you see reality a bit clearer if you seperated your emotions from the facts. Start listing away.... write his REALITY based positive qualities and behaviours, not your imagined ones based on how you wish he was, or how he was when you first started dating, but his positives right here and now. Same goes for the negatives. If the positives outway the negatives then clearly, you're on a winner. But if the negatives outway the positives, then I'd be questioning exactly what the hell I'm doing to myself, and why. Most importantly, I think you need to define what the words 'self love' mean to you because you've either never had it or it did a major runner when this guy came onto your scene. For all his messed up behaviours, addictions and irresponsibility, your behaviours (blaming yourself?!), addictions (him) and irresponsibility (to yourself) are just as messed up. Continually focusing on him and his behaviours, yet only looking at yourself long enough to blame yourself (his manipulations) is a clever but self destructive way of keeping yourself exactly where you are. The day you say you love YOU more than him, the day you work out that your relationship with yourself is THE most important one you'll ever have, is the day you'll stop tolerating this crap for youself under the pitiful cry of "I love him soooooo much". Unfortunately, he's got you exactly where he wants you emotionally and mentally, and he knows it. But it takes two to play this game. Very rue, he is projecting all his issues at you, so you dont see the true broken down him (that needs help) Now this can and has made you feel like crap and doughting yourself. These people are very good at this, and often harbour gilt from past exp in their lives. You must realise that you cant be responsible for his words or actions, and often this kind pf pattern will be repeated in other relationships after the honeymoon phase is over. You really are better, to walk away from this, and look to your self to make yourself ready for the next relationship, and by doing this, should he return to your life a s a friend, you will be in a better state of mind to deal with it.
Author fantasyangel Posted August 12, 2007 Author Posted August 12, 2007 Hmm...after taking some time off to cool down and think about what everyone's said...I proceeded on not contacting him or beg for his forgiveness (cause unfortunately, I spent about two days being absolutely pathetic and desperate telling him how sorry I was and how I wanted to stay with him). After I stopped trying to get him back and just think about what I wanted in my life, I've felt better. Even though I'm still sad and hurt and confused about what's going on in our relationship...I feel like I have a better sense of self. After I started doing this...my (ex?) boyfriend started calling and texting me...asking if I was hanging out with other guys, "fine, I'm happy for you, have fun", etc. Then yesterday he kept calling me over and over again before he went to sleep...and then we finally talked. Somehow, he said some stuff about how his parents put him down all the time and how he's a loser and is going nowhere in life and that I should find someone else. I guess this argument went deeper than I had thought. Now I'm unsure about what to do...he pushed me away because he wants me to do better than him...
Capricciosa Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Honey, I think you need outside help. Sounds like you are in a vicious circle here, and unable to get yourself out of it by your self. Is there a therapist you can speak to, a 12 step meeting you can go to close by? Co-Dependents Anonymous or Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous? Look them up on the net. You may recognize your situation in the characteristics. Good luck, and I hope you find a way to let go.
Athlette Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 Girlfriend, it sounds like you've got a lot going for you. If that's your picture, you are adorable and tons of guys would die to be with you. It sounds like you're getting a college education or already have one and are a sweet person. However, I would consider getting some outside help with a therapist or counselor. I think you need to explore reasons for why you are pining after this relationship when it is so clear to everyone but you that it's toxic. He is a poison to you and you need to figure out why you still want him after everything that he's done. You don't need to make excuses for his behavior. You deserve SOOO much better. Possibly low self esteem prevents you from seeing that? Everyone has issues and I"m not sure what you might have or be dealing with, but please take some time to explore within yourself. This situation is much more about you than it is about him. If you don't figure this out, then you'll finally get over him only to fall into another poisonous situation. Best of luck!
allina Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 Holy crap! This guy STOLE $9,000 from you and you think that him saying he'll pay it back is a turn around!? How can you love someone like this? It seems like you're working hard on your life, you deserve a man who does too.
woodsfield Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 his parents may be right; sounds like he is a loser. he "borrowed" a lot of money and lost it. he plays video games all day while he should be looking for job?? his gf supports him along with his habits?? that equals a loser in my books. we have heard all the sh**ty things about him but i am sure that there are some good things if you feel in love with this guy and love always complicates the issue. however, he has taken you for granted too long and fu**ed you over too many times. the money situation is the hardest part about this IMO. if you dump him now, do you think that he will repay you?? has he stopped smoking grass?? this can cause some anger management issues along with life stresses (from personal experineces). give him the boot! you will find someone better. someone who won't USE you.
Recommended Posts