jimpasco5 Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 I am currently in a relationship with someone whom I love very much. I have been with her for 5 years. About 3 months ago I found out that she had cheated on me. The relationship was over at that point. I understand my girlfriend has had a pretty bad upbringing, and I also understand that I can not use that as an excuse for what has happened. We had many discussions on how to work things out, and so far, so good. I realize that there wasn't anything but confusion within herself that caused this situation. She has promised everyday that it will never happen again, and that's where the problem lies. I want nothing more than to believe her, yet I find myself second guessing every little thing she does everyday. As far as I know she is on the straight and narrow, but I still have that thought in the back of my mind that I'm falling right into another trap. I want to be with her for the rest of my life, and she says the same. I just don't know how to cope with what had happened. Even if it doesn't work out and I move on, I feel like I will have problems with any woman because I will second guess them constantly. I just need some advice on how to get over this, wether it is in this relationship or another one. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank You for your time and help!!!
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 The first thing to understand and accept is that infidelity is like emotional herpes. It will leave a lesion on your heart that is really bad at first, and then goes away. Then BLAM, the least little thing will trigger you and the lesion is back as bad as it ever was. It will always be this way as long as you are with someone who has cheated on you. Even if they never cheat again, things will continue to trigger the initial hurt for years to come. The best you can hope for is that it will go dormant and not pop up for long stretches of time. I'd love to say that there is a cure for the hurt of infidelity, but like real herpes - there isn't one. Just time, patience, and a healing process that goes on into infinity. You don't cure the emotional fallout of infidelity, you cope with it. That said, what you can use are some coping mechanisms - learn to get back your self esteem, your sense of self worth, and your independence. When you are stronger personally, you will cope better with this damage that was done to you. You can either self medicate, with journaling, picking up helpful books, or posting on a site where people like yourself go to share experiences. Surviving Infidelity is one site that comes to mind. Or, you can go to a therapist and help yourself that way.
Author jimpasco5 Posted July 28, 2007 Author Posted July 28, 2007 Thank You for the help. All and any is appreciated!
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 Great advice once again by LB. I suggest counselling, both together and individually. She has issues and now she's given you issues, and both need to be dealt with properly so you two can either move on together, or part separate ways without too many deep wounds. Remember this though, her cheating wasn't about you. It's about HER and HER needs, selfish ones...The problems, if there were any in the relationship take 2 to make, 2 to fix, but she CHOSE to cheat. You didn't force her out the door.
norajane Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 I realize that there wasn't anything but confusion within herself that caused this situation. She has promised everyday that it will never happen again, and that's where the problem lies. And what was this confusion? Do you believe this 'confusion' is part of her nature? Has her 'confusion' cleared up? Will she resort to cheating when she is 'confused' again in the future? Do you wonder if she can overcome her 'bad upbringing' to fully commit to fidelity? Do you believe she truly understands the pain and anguish she has put you through, and will continue to put you through if you stay with her? If you are uneasy about the answers to those questions, it's going to be very difficult to trust her again. You may never completely trust her, but it is often possible to regain enough trust to rebuild the relationship. It takes time, and it takes proof in the form of seeing that her actions match her words to rebuild trust. So yes, right now, you will second guess everything, and you may want to check up on her. But if she is true to her word, you may relax more and more and regain trust. Some people are willing to do that hard work and try to recover after an affair or cheating. Some people would rather start fresh with someone who hasn't proven themselves capable of betraying their lover like that. Only you can figure out which person you are.
norajane Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 Oh, and you might want to read through the Infidelity section here. There are many who have been in your shoes. The threads there might have some advice that will help you.
justice Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 It takes time and alot of soul searching and patience. Also some counseling might be most beneficial. My now exh and I did the counseling after he cheated. I did some soul searching while he continued to lie to me. I just couldn't live with that so we divorced. But yes, I feel like some counseling might help you all. Good luck. I hope you find the peace you need in order to succeed with your relationship. It's tough.
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