I am thinking about seperating from and divorcing my husband .

[Ladyjane14]

I've seen guys feel better in as little as two days after starting meds... but most don't get there for several weeks, so don't expect miracles right away. Sometimes too, the first medication a doctor tries won't be the best fit because of either side effects or because the medicine doesn't alleviate symptoms enough. It's important that he follow up with doctor regularly so s/he can assess.

 

This is good news, Kobe... but, be patient. Recovery from depression is a process.

 

 

 

p.s. Now that he's taken this important first step, I think it would be a good thing to give him some TLC at home. A good support structure will help strengthen him, so hopefully, as emotional trust is re-built, he'll start opening up and talking things out with you rather than waiting 'til he's upset enough to lash out.

 

Depression is one of those things where you can't SEE an injury. If he was bleeding out the ears though... he'd probably be getting lots of support and help.

In my sitch, that's how I treated my mate... like he had an injury I couldn't see. And I had good success with that.

[jendevil17]

Hi I am 24 years old I have been with my husband for over 6 years and married for 2 of those years. He is a wonderful guy, and until about a month ago I thought things were fine. For about a week when he came home from work all he would do is sleep, I just figured he was tired because he gets up really early, but i would try to talk to him and he would just kind of blow me off. So i finally asked what was wrong and he said nothing then later told me hes unhappy and doesnt know why. And for the next week all he would do was go to work, then sit by the lake, and then come home at night. I would talk to him and he told me his head is screwed up, hes tired all the time, he hardly eats anymore, he cant think straight, he cant sleep anymore, and he just wants to be alone, he doesnt want to be around anyone he just wants to sit by himself. I asked him if hes having an affair he says hes not, and i truly believe him. I told him I think he has depression and he told me he thinks he also has bad anxiety. I finally convinced him to go to the dr. he was prescribed meds and told me he would try them, he took 1 pill and refuses to take anything now. i dont know what to do anymore. Hes had depression before i met him and he was on prozac and did not like it. I think thats why he wont take it now. He says he will get over it, but this is too hard. He says he wants to be with me and be happy, the way things were. But now he talks about divorce and i ask why and he says the way hes treating me isnt right. He says he doesnt know what to do, all he does know is he wants to sit in the car or by the lake and not be around anyone. I really dont know what to do. I feel like i've done all I can. I dont think he really wants a divorce, but he wont do anything to help himself. He tells me he just doesnt care about anything anymore. This is really hard because this is not the man I have been with for the past 6 years. I told him maybe he should leave for a couple days and try to figure out what he really wants, and he said he will also consider trying medication. He tells me he loves me, cares about me, he slept in the car a few nights and i asked if he misses me and he says yes. I just dont know what to do. I guess I just wanted some advice or something, I just feel so lost. Jennifer

[Topper]

kobegirl, The depression medications can take weeks to be effective. if the ones he is on don't seem to be working then he needs to try another.

i Like many men suffred for years with depression and did not get help. my wife was also not helpful she took my moods as something i wa doing personaly to her. It wasn't it was the ugly monster depression. I was so bad that I would sit in the dark going over the best way to end my life.

Give him time to get himself back on track.

[kobegirl]

things are going better than before but i am not really happy still, because i feel tense around him still even if he is really being nice or what not I guess i just lost trust in him I cant just feel normal around him I am on edge in a nervous anxious kind of way . i just dont know if how he is behaving now is who he really is . i guess i dont feel like I know him anymore. but i am happy about his cool attitude lately. i am pretty confident that since he is on this med .. that he will be alright , but what happens when the day comes when he stops ? that is a scary thought , will my faith in him grow just for me to be crushed later? when i was depressed and on meds for 3 months when I stopped the meds .. I was fine after that , but will it be like that ? i dont know.

[Ladyjane14]

Sweetie, if you don't give him a chance to prove himself without waiting for the other shoe to drop... it becomes self-fulfilling prophesy. He can't possibly succeed unless you BELIEVE he can.

 

If he fails, you've lost NOTHING that wasn't already lost. I mean, you were already PREPARED to leave him. When you look at it like that... there's nothing to be afraid of.

[Gunny376]

My last tour at Parris Island was absoultly PURE LIVING HELL! I was hating every second, every minute, of every hour, of every day of ever week, of every month, of every year. I was there for five years! Two on the Drill field, one off, back again!

 

Not very many people can "hack" it at PI. And, so the attitude was, once you found one that could, you throw his azz back into it. Again and again, and again.

 

It cost me my marriage, and its taken me many a year, that it wasn't me that couldn't "hack" it, but my wife that couldn't hack military life. Let alone being a Marine DI's wife. (Its a hard life!) Altogether? I did nine years at Parris Island. A couple as a Marksmanship Coach, a couple as a Primary Marksmanship Instructor, and four as a Marine DI. My last two as a Senior DI.

 

My point?

 

I'm not the same person I was when I went into the Corps at 18?

 

I'm not the same person I was when I got married?

 

I'm not the same person I was when I got divorced?

 

I'm not the same person I was when I retired from the Marine Corps?

 

I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago?

 

You can pay me now, and play latter, or you can play now and pay me now and latter on! The choice is yours! That's how Mr. Reality is!

 

Don't make short term decisions with long term consequences!

[Filn]

kobegirl, I read your posts and a lot of the responses from others and it is almost scary because it is something that I can really relate to, except on the other side of the fence. I am male, and I have had very similar mood swings and agitation toward my wife in the past.

 

I have severe depression and have had it for well over 15 years. I really discovered it during the early parts of my marriage and often took it out on my wife in a very similar matter. I now have it under a manageable control, but it took a long time for me to get that way.

 

The problem with depression, especially in men, is that it is a very hard thing to deal with. For men, the sense of hopelessness that accompanies depression is often accompanied by fear and confusion, something that men do not like to show. So instead of showing his fear, he is probably turning it into a more "manageable" emotion, such as anger. He can be nice one moment and scary the next because often depression can sort of flash in and out of the mind like turning on a light switch; a switch that he has no control over.

 

The question is, how do you approach him? This is a very hard thing to do. My suggestion is to try talking to him when he is in a certain moderate, or mediocre mood. Sometime, when he is not angry or overly happy, just in a so-so state is probably the best time to talk about it. If he is angry, he will shut down and keep you out from his feelings, if he is overly happy he will deny a problem. Finding the middle ground is difficult, but is possible, and may require a few attempts. Start off simple and with few questions about how he is doing and if there is anything you can do to support him. Asking too many questions in one sitting can lead to him shutting you out. It takes time but the progress can be worth it if you can endure. It takes a lot of strength on your part as well and can be very taxing to the whole family, but if you intend to save your marriage, it may be the right thing to do.

 

Often doctors are more then happy to hand out medications and then wash their hands of the whole problem. The thing is, medications work, but only for a portion of the problem. It may often take several attempts with different medications in order to find one that works for him. However, counseling is the other half of "defeating his demons". Many states in the US often have mental health programs that offer or recommend local counseling services.Lutheran Social Services is often in many cities as well that ofter counseling.

 

It takes a delicate step in order to defeat it, but if you can, it really can change your marriage for the better. However, don't let yourself suffer because of another, you have yourself and your children to think about first .

[kobegirl]

Sweetie, if you don't give him a chance to prove himself without waiting for the other shoe to drop... it becomes self-fulfilling prophesy. He can't possibly succeed unless you BELIEVE he can.

 

If he fails, you've lost NOTHING that wasn't already lost. I mean, you were already PREPARED to leave him. When you look at it like that... there's nothing to be afraid of.

 

I definitly felt and still do sometimes feel that I should leave him but I dont think i was or am ready to leave him . your right though , I have to stop expecting the worse which seems is all I do these days.

 

he has been pretty mellow, maybe a little too much so , I dont know anymore, i dont know what is normal anymore. i notice most of the time I freak myself out on things that are not happening like I think my husband may lose his temper about something when he isnt . when i come home it isnt relief I feel at the end of the day it is more of a sick feeling in the center of my chest. just the thought of going home makes me think .. no no no I dont want to do this. but i do . I have to .

 

I cant describe it really , i know i am not happy . I seem to be happy when i am away from my husband and my teen, . to me they just make me ill. my skin litterally crawls when i come home to them . i dont feel this way around anyone else. I wonder , am i losing it ? the anxiety is through the roof with me .

 

I enjoy time with my husband sometimes , when he is being friendly and funny , but with all the mood swings he was going through i feel like it is short lived and then i feel anxious . I tell myself I cant live this way.

 

If my husband were to be not here, like seperated , i would miss him . but yet i would feel some relief. i dont want to leave him at this point but my feelings are really overwhelming me right now . I am trying my best to feel positive but sometimes it feels like I am looking at a poisonous snake and I'm trying to tell myself it's a cute hummingbird. makes me feel batty .

 

so sorry for babbling but i am totally stressed out . just venting I guess.

[kobegirl]

The problem with depression, especially in men, is that it is a very hard thing to deal with. For men, the sense of hopelessness that accompanies depression is often accompanied by fear and confusion, something that men do not like to show. So instead of showing his fear, he is probably turning it into a more "manageable" emotion, such as anger. He can be nice one moment and scary the next because often depression can sort of flash in and out of the mind like turning on a light switch; a switch that he has no control over.

 

The question is, how do you approach him? This is a very hard thing to do. My suggestion is to try talking to him when he is in a certain moderate, or mediocre mood. Sometime, when he is not angry or overly happy, just in a so-so state is probably the best time to talk about it. If he is angry, he will shut down and keep you out from his feelings, if he is overly happy he will deny a problem. Finding the middle ground is difficult, but is possible, and may require a few attempts. Start off simple and with few questions about how he is doing and if there is anything you can do to support him. Asking too many questions in one sitting can lead to him shutting you out. It takes time but the progress can be worth it if you can endure. It takes a lot of strength on your part as well and can be very taxing to the whole family, but if you intend to save your marriage, it may be the right thing to do.

 

Good to hear from a man who has gone through this . finding the medocre mode with my husband is difficult , i do prefer when he is happy but that is the meds probobly . I dont know if I have the strength to do this. I am trying my best I do want to save this marriage if possible. he wasnt always like this , we had many years of sheer happiness. then it seemed to just change. what doesnt help is that my teenager is really making me crazy right now so i just dont know how much more i can deal with all of this.

[sumdude]

Good to hear from a man who has gone through this . finding the medocre mode with my husband is difficult , i do prefer when he is happy but that is the meds probobly . I dont know if I have the strength to do this. I am trying my best I do want to save this marriage if possible. he wasnt always like this , we had many years of sheer happiness. then it seemed to just change. what doesnt help is that my teenager is really making me crazy right now so i just dont know how much more i can deal with all of this.

 

kobegirl ... I haven't gone back through the whole thread . Sounds to me like you may have some depression and anxiety issues yourself.

[kobegirl]

kobegirl ... I haven't gone back through the whole thread . Sounds to me like you may have some depression and anxiety issues yourself.

 

I would say I have anxiety issues . not depression though .. cause i seem to be just unhappy when i am around my husband and teenager.I am not unhappy or stressed out when i am alone or with friends or even when i am out and about . i definitly have trouble with my anxiety ,especially around my family . things are just overwhelming me right now. i was depressed before so i know what that is like and I dont feel that now .

[kobegirl]

he is being a jerk again , and since he is on meds i cant blame his depression for his attitude . .something for me to consider.

[butterfly37]

Kobe, keep in mind it can take up to 3-4 weeks for the meds to have an effect. And even then there will probably be some reassessment and adjustments that need to be made to his med until his depression is properly being treated. Be patient. Be loving. He's at the very least trying.

[kobegirl]

Kobe, keep in mind it can take up to 3-4 weeks for the meds to have an effect. And even then there will probably be some reassessment and adjustments that need to be made to his med until his depression is properly being treated. Be patient. Be loving. He's at the very least trying.

 

thanks for that , yes i should be patient , let me just say what i mean by jerk , cause i dont think this was the depression talking. .

 

we were at our child's open house at school in his classroom and all the parents were there. and the teacher. my husband wanted to leave cause he was tired... i told him he should say hello and goodbye to the teacher before we leave and out of no where he says " this is why I left you because you tell me what do to" i couldnt believe he said that and then i wasnt sure if he did so i said ... "what did you say ?" he said " do you want me to say it louder ?" luckily no one heard , but that ruined the whole experience for me . my piece of shi* husband ruins everything and i am really fricken pissed about this . right now all i feel is anger. although i am not saying anything to him since he is messed up in the head , i am really just pissed. and right now all i want to do his hurt him . If i didnt have my toddler i would drop my husband right this fricken second . stupid piece of crap husband. yes I am angry , maybe i am not thinking clearly , maybe i need to calm down ... but right now I really hate him. I really want to make his heart hurt like he has done mine.

[kobegirl]

he apologized to me but it was a bit half - $$# if you know what I mean but at least he looked like he regreted it to some small degree. everytime i think of that night my blood boils , but i have settled down a bit since then . his attitude has improved alot . makes me wish he could just stay on this medication always but that surely wont be the case.

 

on most days I think of divorsing him still . these days it seems i am so busy I have to make an appointment with myself just so i have time to cry . i am really frustrated all the time , I feel unapreciated and just not treated well in general . I know it isnt going to be a honey moon ever again but at the same time i didnt think things would feel so stale.

 

I dont even think about someone else anymore, i use to wonder how my life would be with someone else. I have so had it already i just think that if I do divorce my husband I may just want to stay single for the rest of my days. i mean who needs this. Love hurts is right.

 

I want us to last and raise the kids together but at the same time , i really want to be happy. so i am conflicted seriously .

 

Love is a wonderfull thing but after a while Love fades.

[kobegirl]

Update ...

 

Hi , Well things are going pretty good. he still is taking his med... not so moody anymore. I have been thinking greatly about my thoughts of seperating from my husband. I have made the decision to stick with him for now . I really have this urge to just leave or have him leave but when i make a mental list of things.. him leaving or me asking him to leave would not be the best thing right now.

 

I am really scared that this will open me up to even more pain down the line , but at the same time i dont want to leave too early where i feel like something else could have been tried.

 

I dont really feel loved , just feel kind of put aside... what he says and does is different. I feel that he isnt giving everything and I know that i am . so that isnt fair and it isnt right . for now i am going to just tolerate it for as long as i can . I am just hoping for some improvement at some point.

 

I am setting my pride aside to try to think positive about our relationship . he does seem to be making an effort .. just not enough for me ... like i said I am hoping for improvement.

[Melovator]

Kobegirl- are you seeing anyone? Like a psychologist? Because you've talked about how anxious you get and there are therapies that can help you control your anxiety. When you're really anxious all the time its kind of hard to communicate properly with people, and then if the other person has their own issues... its kind of a vicious cycle of non-communication, where both people think they're talking about the same thing but they're both talking about completely seperate personal issues.

 

I'm trying to be nice here because I can completely see where you are coming from but you are carrying a carboot load of resentment that is going to eat you up. See you can be all justified in your resentment but its such a load to carry! Instead of thinking about what he's doing wrong, try thinking about what he's doing right. Maybe its because I spend all day with a two year old but what is he doing right? Reward that! See what happens... everyone likes a reward. I know its kind of insulting to suggest treating a grown man like a toddler...

[kobegirl]

yes you make sense... i thought of rewarding him for good behavior but then i am like ... "what the hec for " LOL... yes anxiety gets in my way at times,not too often though mostly in certain situations. but when it does hit it hits hard. my heart races , and i just want to be somewhere else. I am not seeing anyone right now but the thought has entered my mind more then once , especially when i feel like i am having an anxiety attack . my husband doesnt cause it really , it is my teenager ... anyway the resentmen is eating me alive. somedays i just get really angry at the thought of my husband and the things he has done in the past.

 

I am trying to move forward at this point . when i get aggitated with my husband i just try to focus on the good things that he does , i feel neglected though .. I do realize that no one is perfect , not me not him , something i have to accept and i am working on that .

[kobegirl]

just an update ,

Things are going pretty smoothly now ( knock on wood) he doesnt lash out like he used to and his patience with everything these days is absolutely astounding ! but i still wonder if it is the medication . but i am thinking positive and feeling better. my anxiety issues are there, but i have taken a step back and really have tried to take control of my feelings. If my anxiety issues dont resolve themselves or get worse i will most likely see someone for it . but right now I am pretty content with the way things are going . Ill keep you guys updated. wish me luck .