so gutted Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 Ok - i am not a prostitute but i actually feel like one. I met up with an old flame (instigated by me) and we ended up in a room. The only reason I went for this guy is because he has money and prestige. Somehow - this is something I go for. I know it sounds very materialistic but when i aim for the normal things like the heart/kindness/love etc I get conned. So - I know I am damaging myself but i get to this stage every few months after I have tried to hang out with my so called friends and they cancel or worse still avoid me. I have fallen out of contact with all my friends and am finding it impossible to make new friends. I have a Very very lonely life. I know this is no excuse to meet up with this guy knowing its just a complete physical thing. He treats me well while I am with him but in the morning he just wants me to leave. Why do i do this? Now he hasnt called and he will just go on as if it hasnt happend. I need to stop this destructive cycle. We did not have sxx but that doesnt help me because I feel like I am swimming out of my depth. I did this knowing the consquences. A guy like him will NEVER go for me. I am not on his social level and he must meet women better looking then me for a good time all the time. ( money talks). What do i do? Any advice or comments on my behaviour would help.
AHIWON Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 If you feel like destroying your marriage then go ahead. I think it's a bad move myself.
Author so gutted Posted July 22, 2007 Author Posted July 22, 2007 im not married. I feel i am destroying msyelf.
AHIWON Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 Why do you feel like you are destroying yourself? What do you want us to decide? I can help, but try to be specific.
shadowplay Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Don't take this the wrong way but it sounds like you might have some Borderline features. Have you ever been in therapy?
spookie Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 I don't know about borderline features but having read some of your other posts it sounds like you are very lonely and seeking love in all the wrong places. You sound very desperate for acceptance and companionship and you have to understand that this desperation probably shows through and turns people off from wanting to hang out with you. It's going to be hard for you to find a long-term relationship if you don't even know how to make and keep friends, so I would work on that first. The people that keep blowing you off- they are not your friends. You need to make new ones. Try to develop some genuine interests and then join things where you can meet like-minded people. Talk to your co-workers. Take a class. Volunteer. When you have a circle of people that you enjoy spending time with who care about you, you will stop feeling so desperate for love. Love isn't the solution to your loneliness, self acceptance and social interaction are. You cannot rely on finding a man to come and take your pain away. You do that yourself by dealing with your own persona issues. Work on yourself, learn to love and respect yourself, make some friends. Love will follow.
jcster Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Don't take this the wrong way but it sounds like you might have some Borderline features. Have you ever been in therapy? It does sound very borderline disorder to me too. That's when a person reacts to negative emotions in a self-destructive or reckless way. (in a nutshell) So - I know I am damaging myself but i get to this stage every few months after I have tried to hang out with my so called friends and they cancel or worse still avoid me. I have fallen out of contact with all my friends and am finding it impossible to make new friends. I have a Very very lonely life. You sound like you are very depressed. Have you considered seeing a counselor? They might be able to shed some light on your behavior.
MikeC Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Honestly, you are putting too much thought into all of this. First off, if what you are doing is making you feel crappy, why keep doing it?! Just go with the flow and you WILL meet someone of value without it having to be completely physical. There is someone out there for you, you just haven't found each other yet!
Author so gutted Posted July 23, 2007 Author Posted July 23, 2007 wot is borderline features?? I do this because my life has got to that stage of boredom where i have nothing else to do, noone to hang with. tried counselling - doesnt work at all. tried joining clubs - i rarely find anyone that i click with - even as a friend. he made me feel good. made me feel attractive. I know i do not look bad and he brought that out. now he has disappeared and i feel so awful.
LoveLace Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 You have to keep trying. You seem to think you just wouldn't click with anyone but that can't be true. You must have hobbies? Try to find clubs or organizations that revolve around hobbies you like to do (example a book club if you like to read). If you share common interests with someone, surely you can click with them at least a little. Appreciate that other people are not going to be just like you, they will have characteristics and opinions that might differ from your own, but part of friendship is learning from each other. Talk and listen. Tell jokes. Laugh. If you don't think scenery can be beautiful, pretend you do -- pretend to be content and eventually you feel closer to it. I used to be a very depressed person years ago, but after practicing enough of the pretend stuff, it has worked permanately...I feel overall content pretty much all the time now...but it did take work. Also, To receive much, you must give much. Start giving to others weather you feel like it or not. Volunteer to do something with sick children or homeless, do something way out of your usual comfort zone, you'd be amazed what you discover about yourself. At that point you should no longer feel the desire to knowingly "destroy" yourself...you will seek true happiness and find it, since you'll already be more happy with yourself. Exercise helps a lot too, I promise ya that.
jcster Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 wot is borderline features?? The main feature of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions. People with borderline personality disorder are also usually very impulsive. A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms: Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonmentA pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluationIdentity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of selfImpulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviorAffective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)Chronic feelings of emptinessInappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptomshttp://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx10.htm It's sounds like this is seriously messing up your life. It's nothing to mess around with. You may need to try more than one therapist before you find one that you can relate to. Don't give up, it's your life and you deserve to be happy.
Author so gutted Posted July 24, 2007 Author Posted July 24, 2007 wow now im seriously worried coz lately i have spent a lot and i do display more then 3 of these symptoms and i have never heard of this condition. and over the past 5 years i have been slowly repeating this behaviour. I have met various men ( mostly more or less strangers) and before we have even met the whole physical thing and what we are going to do is spelt out. The very worst part is that I am not even ashamed of myself. I am ashamed and scared that people will find out and i will look like a serious whoree but it doesnt seem to worry me enough. and believe me i thought i had decent morals. i met this guy before and i stupidly got drunk and then insulted him and he walked. i then stalked him ( when sober) and made a complete fool of myself. When i left him alone for a few months he re contacted me and we have been speaking on and off for 6 months. We had arranged to meet but 9 times out of 10 i had to cancel due to work etc. Anyway - KNOWING that this guy hurt me last time by not returning my various calls etc - I stll went and did the same thing again. nearly a year later.i just havnt moved on. and now - even though this "date" went better and he said that we would meet again "soon" - HE HASNT CALLED. WHY THE HELL DID I PUT MYSELF IN THE SAME POSITION AGAIN? I AM SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF.
jcster Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 WHY THE HELL DID I PUT MYSELF IN THE SAME POSITION AGAIN? I AM SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF. The first thing you need to do is learn to forgive yourself. Doing things that you think is stupid is compounded exponentially by the self-hate you direct back at yourself. It doesn't do any good and it can make things even worse. Next - take some time and just relax. Don't call your friends, don't call your guys, don't buy a car....just relax. Then, hit the internet and start reading. I certainly couldn't give you any type of diagnosis, but it sure does sound like you have a need for therapy. So stop beating yourself up, stop putting yourself into these situations, and start getting better! I've spent a lot of years thrashing around in self-hate. It sucks and it doesn't do anyone any good. The good news is that you can train yourself to stop it if you want to.
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