angie16 Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 Hi all, first time poster. I have been with my boyfriend in a loving, platonic relationship for over 2 years. We met and moved in togehter very quickly (3 months) and it has been a beautiful, loving, and happy relationship. My boyfriend starting talking about marriage about 5 months after we started going out, and even got me a "placeholder" ring until he could afford a real diamond. We are 28 and 29 and both have good full time jobs and a great apartment together. A year ago I would have thought that we would be engaged by now without a doubt. He says that he told his parents that i was the one for him (i have met his whole family, and he mine), but even with the placeholder ring he never told anyone about "our intentions" to get married. I stopped wearing the ring because I felt like our talking about getting married was a secret and was sick of people at work asking me when i was getting married. It has now been over 2 years. His father tragically died young about 6 months ago, and that has been a big blow for him. I have been there for him, but now it seems like he doesn't want to get married and can't even think long term because of his grief. I have confronted him about it and all his does is shrug his shoulders and say that he has no idea. I ask him if I should leave and move on and he doesn't say anything. i just want to be with someone that want to be with me. and thats how he was in the beginning, love letters, poems, sincere words of our future and family, and now thats all gone. we still have fun and we have lots of friends, but now people we know who met after us are getting engaged and its really painfull for me. I am scared that i could still be in the same position with him 2 or 3 years from now and he won't want to marry me, and then i would have given him my late 20's. all he does is say that he loves me, but if he really loved me wouldn't he want to marry me? Wouldn't he want to tell the world that I'm his? I am very torn and sad, and its beginning to effect our relationship. I want him to want to marry me, i dont' want to give him an ultimatum or want to feel like i had to force him. he makes enough money now to get a ring. thats not the issue. help. should i go? or do i stay and try to have faith?
Hestia Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 I think you have more problems here than the fact that he cant make up his mind about marrying. He is clearly still very upset about his father death, he just stopped caring. Maybe he should talk about it to a professional? He looks like he really needs to heal. And IMHO i think you are more worried about having a ring on your finger than actually marrying. I mean, why do you want to marry? Do you think he will love you more if you do? Do you think things will change? They wont. I think they will even be more complicated. Or is this because your friends and family are pressuring you to marry him?
Touche Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 I have been with my boyfriend in a loving, platonic relationship for over 2 years I'm sorry, but I didn't understand the above. Why do you say it's platonic? I can't give any advice on this unless I have a little more information here. Are you living together as roomates? Could that be the problem?
Quinch Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 Gene Simmons (of KISS fame) has never married his long term girlfriend because he wants her to wake up every morning and make a free choice to stay with him one more day instead of being tied to him by a wedding ring. I think that's kinda romantic The point is that being married is nice but its not the only thing. Ask yourself why marriage is so important to you and is it worth more to you than your boyfriend?
Author angie16 Posted July 22, 2007 Author Posted July 22, 2007 i meant monogamous, not platonic. :-)
corazoncito Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 Gene Simmons (of KISS fame) has never married his long term girlfriend because he wants her to wake up every morning and make a free choice to stay with him one more day instead of being tied to him by a wedding ring. I think that's kinda romantic The cynic in me has to ask if this actually has less to do with "romantic" ideals and more to do with him not wanting to deal with a drawn-out divorce and astronomical alimony payments... To the OP, it doesn't sound like marriage is on horizon for you two. Although the death of the father complicates the issues, it sounds like you both really moved the relationship along very quickly in the beginning (maybe too quickly) and now that more time has gone by and you've gotten to know each other better your guy is rethinking whether he still feels the same way. I think you're justified at this point in having a calm discussion with him about where he sees your relationship, say in two years. This is not a moment to offer ultimatums or threats. Just to find out where he stands. You can make your decision accordingly then. There's nothing wrong with getting married in your 30's btw. Whether to him or someone else. Really. You will know who you are much better (as will your partner) and that is essential for success in a committed relationship.
Author angie16 Posted July 22, 2007 Author Posted July 22, 2007 The cynic in me has to ask if this actually has less to do with "romantic" ideals and more to do with him not wanting to deal with a drawn-out divorce and astronomical alimony payments... To the OP, it doesn't sound like marriage is on horizon for you two. Although the death of the father complicates the issues, it sounds like you both really moved the relationship along very quickly in the beginning (maybe too quickly) and now that more time has gone by and you've gotten to know each other better your guy is rethinking whether he still feels the same way. I think you're justified at this point in having a calm discussion with him about where he sees your relationship, say in two years. This is not a moment to offer ultimatums or threats. Just to find out where he stands. You can make your decision accordingly then. There's nothing wrong with getting married in your 30's btw. Whether to him or someone else. Really. You will know who you are much better (as will your partner) and that is essential for success in a committed relationship. yeah i asked him after i read this post where he sees us in 2 years and he said exactly where we are now, "together and happy". he says i'm the one he wants to marry but i don't believe him anymore. sigh i really do love him, but i'm exhausted.
spookie Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 I think you deserve to know why he is hesitating and whether or not he wants to get married someday to you. I don't think you shoudl let anyone make you feel silly for wnating to get married in the first place. People like to argue that nothing changes with marriage or insinuate that women only want this for the glamor and the ring, but marriage does provide, I think, a sense of security, especially if you plan on having a family, that you deserve to find. If you bf isn't willing to give you that, I don't think it's worth investing more of your time and your love into him. Find someone who wants the same things.
LoveLace Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Losing someone close to you can be a long road of grieving...he might be feeling too sad still to think about a happy thing such as a wedding...and if he thinks about it he probably realizes his father won't be there, etc. He just may need professional help on this, because he might be "stuck" in a sense with all these emotions that are preventing him from moving on. My opinion is you should be patient a little longer and until then just be the best friend/companion you can be for him...on a day when things are going well and he's in a good mood, perhaps bring up the marriage then. But if he drags it on and on and seems to use his father's death as an excuse, somebody's got cold feet...
Trialbyfire Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 The decision is yours. You can't or shouldn't want to change him. If you two have different goals and expectations, best for you to sit down, clear your head and think if this is worth the aggravation or not. You can only state what you want, then take charge of your life as you see fit and want it live, based on your acceptance or denial of his actions.
Author angie16 Posted July 23, 2007 Author Posted July 23, 2007 Losing someone close to you can be a long road of grieving...he might be feeling too sad still to think about a happy thing such as a wedding...and if he thinks about it he probably realizes his father won't be there, etc. He just may need professional help on this, because he might be "stuck" in a sense with all these emotions that are preventing him from moving on. My opinion is you should be patient a little longer and until then just be the best friend/companion you can be for him...on a day when things are going well and he's in a good mood, perhaps bring up the marriage then. But if he drags it on and on and seems to use his father's death as an excuse, somebody's got cold feet... yeah thanks for your advice. he just called me and said that he's going to start going to therapy to work out his grief over his dad. he's willing to take a step to try and get better, and i think right now i should try and help him, and not pressure him to make a decision when he's in this state of mind. if not of course, i'll be on my way in the future. thanks for your feedback everyone!
Recommended Posts