Need to vent and cry......need assurance (long)

[kittensmittens]

Ok, so I went to my ex's today. And that's still incredibly hard to say or type, btw. We have been talking on the phone some over the past couple of weeks. Sometime he says it's over, sometimes he says he doesn't know, but he always ends the conversation by saying "I love you", like we're still a couple. Just the other day we were talking about all the things that would have to change if we got back together. He'll say that this is hard for him too, he misses holding me, etc...

 

Tomorrow is his birthday and I made him a present (I know, I know..). And the other day I called him crying (after I said I wouldn't call him anymore....I know, I know) telling him I couldn't take it, I couldn't take waking up to him not being there, etc. We talked some more and he said "well are you coming here this weekend?" and I asked, "for what?" and he said...."don't you have something for me...?" (I had told him I was making something for him) and so...I went there today. He loved his present, he looked a little like he might cry when I got there, he asked me if I was staying there tonight or not, and things weren't terrible, except I was really quiet. He said the other day that we could maybe talk about getting back together and asked at one point (today) if I wanted to talk about anything. For some reason I kind of dodged it....but brought it back up later. I think I was just afraid of it being too soon. But when I DID bring it up....he made it clear that he didn't want the relationship anymore. So why all the stuff up until then???? He said today confirmed it and now I feel like I should have acted different....not been so quiet, not held back the tears I felt coming.....something.....

 

But then after he made it clear he didn't want it, I finally told him I knew about his blog post (which I have mentioned a ton on here, but just as a quick recap....I left town after confronting him about lying to me, then he sent me an email breaking up w/ me, then he went out and fooled around w/ our neighbor and posted about it on his myspace page--along w/ bashing me). He keeps pounding it into the ground that I left HIM when I left town. But funny thing is, in his blog post, he states that he broke up w/ me. When I called him on this....b/c he's been blaming me for this entire breakup....he told me I was getting hung up on semantics! And the other day, he told me "I haven't been w/ anyone, just so you know". And I never asked him, btw--he volunteered that. It was obviously a big fat lie, so I called him on that too today. I told him as many stupid and ****ty things as I've done, I would never publicly trash him the way he did to me. I told him I have NEVER in my ENTIRE LIFE felt so disrespected, humiliated, and devastated all in one shot. And by the person I loved so completely. He never apologized.

 

What DID he do?? He basically told me that I shouldn't have given him things to lie about. He said "what else do you call the way you acted for so long". He apologized *FINALLY* for betraying my trust. But no apology for the blog post. He acted completely arrogant and indignent instead. He told me unemphatically (and almost mockingly) that what he did w/ her was "in the heat of the moment" (to which I responded "that's what cheaters say..."). He kept on insisting I left. He told me he's not going to stand here and argue about it w/ me b/c it's over and told me to leave about a zillion times. And I finally did when he went in the other room to answer a phone call and locked the door behind him. I just left.

 

I was having my doubts about it ever working out before I went there....I know this is probably right. But I'm so heart broken. He got me again.....I still feel like this is all my fault. I feel like if I hadn't acted so jealous for so long.....but I was trying! He knew it. He has aknowledged that things were getting better and he was really enjoying being around me....he even said that when we were arguing earlier. Yet, I'm still the villain. I'm still the one who drove HIM away. Is this his true character or did I bring it out of him??

 

I think about all the good things about him....what if I caused him to stop loving me and respecting me a long time ago? I tried to earn it all back....I tried so hard, it just seems like nothing was ever enough. I'm scared I caused it, I'm scared I won't ever find it again.

 

He told me all the time he thought I was beautiful (after 4 years). He told me he thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world. He never checked out other girls in front of me. He would even, as silly as it is, look at me when boobs came on the tv. Sometimes, he could show extreme patience. He never acted turned off by me in any way.....he wasn't grossed out by hairy legs or things like that (not that I let myself go a lot....it's just that I COULD w/out feeling disgusting). He never pressured me for sex, he always understood when I was tired, or whatever. He wasn't some porn addict, he didn't even spend money ever on porn....just looked at internet stuff (which is another reason I wish I hadn't cared about it ever). He would always make a really big deal over things he thought were cute that I did or said. He told me ALL the time that he loved me. These things were so special to me and I feel I was really lucky to have these things.

 

I'm so scared I'll never have these things again. I was begining to see things about him that are just NOT good....and now I'm back to feeling like it's all my fault. I should have changed a long time ago, I should have been different. I feel now like I lost something really good...something really special and rare. Something that could have lasted if I hadn't ****ed it up. But maybe his good qualities don't run deep enough. I don't know. I wish today had gone differently.

 

I need someone to tell me that I will find those good qualities again. That the next guy will have all those things and more. He'll adore me and that I'll be just as special to him, if not more. I need someone to tell me it only seems like I'm losing something great.....that there's no excuse, a great or even good person doesn't do what he did.

 

I'm not strong enough. I can't tell anything right now. I just miss him horribly.

[tommycapnpants]

"I need someone to tell me that I will find those good qualities again. That the next guy will have all those things and more. He'll adore me and that I'll be just as special to him, if not more. I need someone to tell me it only seems like I'm losing something great.....that there's no excuse, a great or even good person doesn't do what he did."

 

You will find someone even greater. You can't forget that you're not the same person that fell in love with this guy anymore. You're not that girl. . .you have changed. You yourself are becoming a stronger person. A person who is closer to knowing what she wants in this world. Someone will come along that shows you an endless and true love. I know it seems like you're losing your entire world right now. . .and in a way you are, but what you will gain is a world filled with much more beauty, much more happiness and much more peace. You must begin to find and understand the person that you have become. You must begin to establish what you want and do not want in a partner. . .a love.

 

I know no words can assuage you from your grief, but remember that you are beautiful. You will, in time, be found by a real love. . .devoid of jealousy, deceit and acts of pettiness that your ex so clearly displayed.

[marac43]

Kitten, Hang in there girl.. I like you am in love with somone that is hurting me.. I don't have any answers on how to feel better.. But atleast I know that I am a good person.. These people that we are in love with are FAKE its an act.. They are good liars and shallow people... And they do not deserve our attention.

[kittensmittens]

Thank you both, very much.

 

You will, in time, be found by a real love. . .devoid of jealousy, deceit and acts of pettiness that your ex so clearly displayed.

 

Deceit and pettiness, definitely......but the jealousy was more my thing, unfortunately. I had been working really, really, really hard on it though! Things were so much better for a while there. I don't understand why he won't see that.

 

In fact, that's what I'm scared of not having......he was the perfect balance of being just a little bit jealous w/out being controlling. Are there any other guys out there who will tell you everyday for the rest of your life how beautiful they think you are, tell you constantly that they love you, let you know how sexy you are every time you're naked, who won't care about physical imperfections--and even treat them like they're the most special part about you, who will make you always feel like they only have eyes for you, and make you feel like the little things you do are adorable? And on top of that...a guy who is looking forward to having kids one day as much as you are (instead of being weird about it like most guys are)?

 

I feel like I've lost these things for good. I'm scared I caused it, but maybe his true character would have surfaced eventually, no matter how I was or what I did or didn't do. I think that maybe these were the only genuine things about him. But maybe they weren't and him and anyone else w/ these qualities is just, literally, too good to be true. Or, in anyone else, they're only present in the beginning, but in time.....wear off.

 

There were plenty of times he made me feel unwanted. There were many times he made me feel like my feelings/needs didn't matter.....his were more important. He was extremely manipulative. He refused to go to counseling for himself or for the relationship. He didn't care about a lot of the same things I cared about. He could be lazy and slobby and he smoked (I don't). Take all that away and you've got perfect. It feels impossible. Is it?

 

I called him up again this morning (I know, what IS wrong w/ me??). He said "why do you even want to be w/ me, I'm an a-hole." and "in time you'll realize I'm all wrong for you" and that he's "not really all that sensitive and caring". I just want it all back. It's all right there....the memories, us together in the apartment, laughing at something silly the cats did, watching our shows together, how everything looked, how it felt waking up next to him and wrapping myself around him and burying my face into his chest.....it's all right there, it seems just within reach. But it's gone. It's like having memories of an old house that has been demolished. You can remember the sounds, the smells, where everything was....like you're still there, but you know it just doesn't exist anymore. I felt like I was looking at a different person the other day. I felt like I was in another place completely, like I had never lived there. I just want it back.

[Dani_babii]

im actually in the same situation as you (you can read mine in my post "follow my heart or my head"), im still completely in love with my ex even though hes basically killing me inside...im trying to hide it and move on but its so hard to..Like you, i was big on the jealousy thing too, i wish i could of changed the last 2 months of our relationship, but all i can do now is move on and be friends with him, if were meant to be together, then in the end we will be. As far as all things you asked if you will find in another guy I can tell you yes, I have found all that in a new guy, but its still hard bcos I'll still think about all the stuff my ex would do for me. You, like me deserve better, you deserve to be happy and to find a guy that will treat you in all the right ways. I was scared that there werent guys like that out there but there really is. Mine happened unexpectially and probably too soon but were just going to take things slow. Good luck to you, if you ever need to talk my aim s/n is dani0621.

 

Good luck & Keep your head up things will work out for you.

 

~Dani

[marac43]

Ladies, Its fuuny how Im in the same boat as you are but Im a guy.I admit that I was scared of the big picture sometimes. However I did treat my woman as if she were a princess. To this day all of my hopes and dreams are wrapped up in her. But she is dating someone else. The guy she cheated on me with. She and I talk all the time and she is still my best friend. It seems crazy I know. But we all have to take it day by day. Today is extremely hard for me so far..

[Dani_babii]

Ladies, Its fuuny how Im in the same boat as you are but Im a guy.I admit that I was scared of the big picture sometimes. However I did treat my woman as if she were a princess. To this day all of my hopes and dreams are wrapped up in her. But she is dating someone else. The guy she cheated on me with. She and I talk all the time and she is still my best friend. It seems crazy I know. But we all have to take it day by day. Today is extremely hard for me so far..

 

i know exactly how u feel my ex is my best friend too, we talk all the time, some days are easier then others. i still want a future with him but idk if thats going to happen. i hate thinking about him with another girl. You said 2days hard for you, if you need to talk, im here, i know exactly how u feel..

 

~Dani

[marac43]

Dani, I will be home @ 5:oo mtn time if your in NY thats 7:00 for you. My email is [email protected]. If bad soaking up space on Kitten's thread wih my own problems

[Dani_babii]

my email address is [email protected], ill talk to you then.