dvsxx6 Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 i've been hangin out w/ this really wonderful guy for about a month. he's actually my IDEAL guy. model looks and body, he's very successful and earns $100k+, he has a great sense of humor who always makes me laugh, and he's just a charmer. if perfect existed, he would be it. everyone we'd be around seemed to adore him. but the problem is, that i recently decided i should let him go. i'm giving up on him. why oh why did i do that when everything was going so right? well, at first, they were. but the thing is that i've been told i'm a commitment-phobe. i can have everything go right, but once they get close, i run away. we've had sex before, twice.. but i'd want to learn to get emotionally close with someone. i have a problem where i reveal very little to the person or i reveal waay too much, too soon. there is no middle ground, and this is something i have to learn. my problem affects everything that i do and i can't keep friends because of my inability to let people in. this has happened guy after guy. and by me not being able to open up, it makes THEM feel like i'm hiding things from them.. which i may be, but i'm afraid to just let go.. i have been drugged & raped, abused, molested, and been treated like all i'm good for are my f.cking looks & this brings upon a lot of self-hatred my inability to not have meaningful friendships and a boyfriend fills me with a tremendous amount of lonliness. it's so numbing.. i can't even describe how alone i feel.. he would always invite me to go over his condo, to go to the jacuzzi, to the movies, and was willing to spend time with me. he's everything a girl would ever dream of. his personality is pure gold. he is such a funny guy to be around. he's also the spoiler-type who's very generous with his money and always wanted to take me out. but i ALWAYS cancelled on him. and i sometimes wouldn't return his calls. i really don't know how to get close to people, but it's strange because i am a very warm person with a bubbly personality. it's just once the 2nd or 3rd date comes around, i freak out and i keep to myself and don't really say much of anything because i don't want to let them in...and plus, i do have a low self esteem which is what i'm working on i am so afraid that i'll never find true friends or a boyfriend. most times when people want to get to know me, i feel so afraid of rejection and i just shut them out before they can hurt me. and it makes me appear to be a very, very cold person. i've apologized to the guy about not calling him back but i've done this on 5 different occassions and he started telling me that "talk was cheap". so i'm thinking i already blew it with him. shi.t, i'd be mad as he.ll too if someone did that to me. and he deserves better. i know i'm setting MYSELF up for rejection, but i just feel so confused and alone at times that i don't know what i'm doing.. i know i have self esteem issues, and this is absolutely killing me. it is so painful to Finally have something you've always wanted, and just watch it slip away from you. i've had a lot of great guys and potentials walk out of my life beause of my lack of self confidence. i always try too hard and i sometimes put a lot of pressure on myself which i know is wrong. i know that everyone has doubts, but i always think that i'm worse off then everyone else for some reason. i've tried a lot of self-help books, i read a lot and i don't know what to do. i'm not even going to try to patch things up with him and i'm sure he's got a real bad impression of me at this point. i guess at times i feel really inadequate. how do i get over feeling inadequate or inferior? my past doesn't make me a bad person, i know that but it haunts me every time i try to get close to someone.. anyone. i'm tired of being lonely. i hate being so inwardly focused and this causes me to be self conscious around people that want to talk to me. i saw a psychologist in the past, but they're just an expensive "friend" who doesn't reaally give a sht about you. any suggestions? thanks in advance
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