Said he loved me but dumped me four days later - wth happened?

[emerald_isle]

Hi everyone. I could really use some insight into my situation. It makes absolutely no sense.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together three months. Last weekend he told me he thinks he's falling in love with me, made comments about how he is saving money for my engagement ring, how i'm the first person he's met in three years to stimulate him both physically and intellectually, and that i'm a "good girlfriend."

 

Fast forward two days to Monday, when he starts subtly acting distant. I notice it but don't think much of it, until the week progresses and he continues to act this way. He doesn't invite me over the entire week, then tells me I can't come over this weekend either because Saturday will be "guys' night". Not hanging out all week is very strange for our relationship, so I ask him what's going on. He refuses to answer. This is all taking place over text while we're both at work.

 

That evening I got a text from him saying it's over, it's not working at all, and that it's obvious we don't please each other. No further explanation.

 

WHAT?????

 

How does one go from admitting he's falling in love with a girl and that he's saving money for her engagement ring, to two days later withdrawing emotionally, and four days later, dumping her?

 

And how can one say that things aren't working out at all, when just mere hours ago things were perfect?

 

How can he do such a complete 180 in a couple days?

 

I don't understand this at all. It makes absolutely no sense. I'm so confused. I didn't see this coming at all - it's completely blindsided me. I've tried analyzing the situation and so have my friends, but none of us can even begin to slice this open. It's not like he was detaching himself over a long period of time and i didn't notice it.

 

Does anyone have some insight on this? I'm going nuts here. Your help is much appreciated.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I know exactly what's happening, and it happens all the time, and it is completely normal.

 

The last thing you should do is question him or call him. If he calls you, make it sound like you've accepted that it's over (even if you haven't) and that you're perfectly fine without him.

 

Chances are he got to thinking about what he told you, and it scared the hell out of him. Christian Carter (Catch him and Keep him) has alot of great advice on this topic, and all his examples are pretty much exactly what you said.

 

Please take a look at his articles and take this time to think about what YOU really want as well.

[Freedom Now]

Sounds like a commitmentphobe to me....

[LucreziaBorgia]

Doesn't sound unusual to me.

 

You say you were together only three months - it sounds like he was infatuated, in love with the idea of love, and his marriage thoughts were more driven more by that mad passion that you feel when you are first with someone, than by any real intent to build a future with you. It sounds like by voicing his fantastical thoughts, he brought them into reality and you started really going for it. Unfortunately, when fantasy is brought into reality it often isn't as good as what the person thought it would be - and it sounds like this guy realized that the idea of love and marriage appealed to him more than the reality of it, and he backed out before he got trapped by a reality that he didn't really want.

 

Consider it a blessing that he cut you loose early, as soon as he knew he didn't want this with you and didn't allow you to build false hope for years for a future that wasn't really going to happen.

[emerald_isle]

Lucrezia, your reply makes sense, but there's a little more to the story.

 

At the beginning of the relationship he was acting the same way, talking about marriage and so forth. I freaked out a little and told him to stop talking about that stuff because it was WAY to early, and that I wanted the relationship to progress at a normal pace. He agreed.

 

The relationship progressed at a normal pace BUT for some reason THAT became too much for him, and he broke up with me, just like this time. However, that time we actually talked things over, he said things were progressing too fast for him, and could we slow things down even more. I agreed and we did so.

 

Fast forward three months to this week and his dumping me again. Just last week he commented how our relationship was progressing at a "good" pace. He even commented that he had been looking back at the time we almost broke up at the beginning of the relationship and how he knows that that would have been a mistake, and that it would have been horrible not having me in his life these past three months. All this along with the other comments I wrote about in my first post - the "I think I'm falling in love with you" bit, the engagement ring bit, etc.

 

The infatuation and strong passionate feelings common at the beginning of a relationship weren't there because we both made sure to squelch them quickly. Instead, we were progressing at a normal, healthy speed, and only in the last week or so did HE jump the gun a little.

 

Does that change your assessment at all, Lucrezia? Thanks.

[LucreziaBorgia]

No. It basically just reinforces it.

[emerald_isle]

Ugh. Thanks for your assessment, Lucrezia.

 

We are FINALLY going to meet up to talk about this whole mysterious mess later this afternoon. While I'd love an explanation, I'm pretty sure I won't get one.

 

I'll post what happens later tonight.

[emerald_isle]

So, it's over.

 

The explanation: His feelings changed.

 

I asked how his feelings changed in the space of a few days. He said they just did. I asked how? He said that it's just possible for him to change his feelings that quickly.

 

And that was it.

 

ummm......yeah.....sigh

[MikeC]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I too have been in an identical one, so I know how you feel.

 

To best bet is to just forget about him. Someone else will come along who can committ more.

[emerald_isle]

Thanks, MikeC. I'm sorry to hear about yours as well.

 

Well I suspected that my ex was bipolar before, and I've been doing some reading on it the last few days, and I think the bipolarity may be the reason why this happened. Maybe it applies to your situation too, Mike.

 

I've read several posts by people on mental health forums about how their SOs did the same thing as a result of their bipolar disorder. My own research on BP tells me that this sort of thing is pretty common in those with BP as well.

 

Does anyone have any experience with bipolar disorder themselves and being in a relationship, or with being with someone who suffers from it? If so, I'd appreciate reading your experiences and insights on whether this change of heart can really be attributed to BP, whether you went through it, how it affected the relationship, etc. Thanks so much.

[Hazy]

Attributing a guy dumping you to bi-polar disorder is really reaching. You're just looking for excuses at this point. Have you read Greg Behrendt's book 'He's Just Not That Into You'? If a guy breaks up with you, he's just not that into you. He just fell out of it, that is what dating is for, to see if it will develop into more, or not. in this case, it didn't develop. He wanted it to work, but in the end, it gets to the point of real love taking over the butterflies. If real love doesn't take over the butterflies for the guy, then you get dumped.