McFadden Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 "We want closure which is never going to come in a way that we want but we can find closure by No Contact. We want to be heard, want them to know the pain they've caused but they are never going to listen and if they do, they don't hear the words. What we often miss is the beauty of "No Contact." You are finally saying No More. It is your voice without the words but they hear it loud and clear as if you screamed from the top of your lungs - "Go to the Devil." No Contact is your pure and sweet rejection. It is empowering. It is your last word. It is your closure. It is one of the most hurtful narcissistic injuries you could inflict. They have finally come to understand you know just who and what they are. They know the tricks do not work anymore. They know you are no longer prey or a pawn in their game. It is your last word." "The no contact rule will be the best thing you ever did...please stay strong." This is what happened with my (diagnosed narcissist) ex. I found out he was angry and felt defied because of the NC, but I still don't feel good about it. I don't care if I got the last word. I don't think it helped anything one way or the other.
uniqueone Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 Both Chinook and Aliddy, if my N has a constant stream of NS (from the internet), would he miss mine? I did know another one like him before with a constant stream of internet supply and he did end up missing mine and contacting me. Maybe there are different types of N's. Those who just need one NS at a time and those who need to have as many NS's as they can at a time.
Chinook Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 Both Chinook and Aliddy, if my N has a constant stream of NS (from the internet), would he miss mine? I did know another one like him before with a constant stream of internet supply and he did end up missing mine and contacting me. Maybe there are different types of N's. Those who just need one NS at a time and those who need to have as many NS's as they can at a time.I think you're right about that. I think my ex is a guy who as long as he has ONE focus upon him, he's happy. If your guy has several he may miss you, he may not. It depends how busy he is. I don't think this is just an NPD trait though. To be fair as human beings we all tend to function along the lines of 'out of sight, out of mind' especially if we are busy. He may not have realised yet that things have changed. But he will realise when he tries to come back and re-establish things with you. You just need to be strong and believe in yourself.
uniqueone Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 I think you're right about that. I think my ex is a guy who as long as he has ONE focus upon him, he's happy. If your guy has several he may miss you, he may not. It depends how busy he is. I don't think this is just an NPD trait though. To be fair as human beings we all tend to function along the lines of 'out of sight, out of mind' especially if we are busy. He may not have realised yet that things have changed. But he will realise when he tries to come back and re-establish things with you. You just need to be strong and believe in yourself. You know...it's weird...I think he might notice...we stopped talking several months ago and then when it resumed again, he mentioned the exact date that he stopped talking to me. He also mentioned the exact date of something that had occurred between us 3 months before that. I thought that was strange. I didn't remember those dates (and had never made a point of knowing them) and yet, I felt like I was the one more into the relationship by that point. Maybe that's got to do with the whole control thing of his. During the time we were together he was dating others so the fact that he knew those dates with ME, really seemed weird.
Chinook Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 He also mentioned the exact date of something that had occurred between us 3 months before that. I thought that was strange. I didn't remember those dates (and had never made a point of knowing them) and yet, I felt like I was the one more into the relationship by that point. Maybe that's got to do with the whole control thing of his. During the time we were together he was dating others so the fact that he knew those dates with ME, really seemed weird. Ugh, my ex used to do that all the bloody time. Used to drive me insane because he'd do it in such a way as to make it seem like he'd remembered those dates because they supposedly meant something to him (when in fact they didn't). He was just making sure that I felt inferior because he remembered things that I had forgotten. There were several things like that. I'd forgotten those tiny things, thankyou for reminding me - more evidence to make me mindful of anything happening in the future.
uniqueone Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 Ugh, my ex used to do that all the bloody time. Used to drive me insane because he'd do it in such a way as to make it seem like he'd remembered those dates because they supposedly meant something to him (when in fact they didn't). He was just making sure that I felt inferior because he remembered things that I had forgotten. There were several things like that. I'd forgotten those tiny things, thankyou for reminding me - more evidence to make me mindful of anything happening in the future. Well I wouldn't be surprised if mine remembered the day he stopped talking to me this time. And probably the last time I e-mailed him too. And probably how many days it's been since I've e-mailed him. I dateed someone (briefly) before him that was similar in that way. They were both very logical scientific people so I don't know if that has anything to do with it. It's strange to me though because I'm always amazed they remember how many days it's been or what date something occurred. Me....I don't care about dates or days.....I just care how I FEEL! They don't feel....they they care about DATA! I'm just going by the two that I've known that fit this type. Not necessarily referring to N's here......but to these logical "Spock" types I'm attracted to.
uniqueone Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 Can you hurt an N so much that they wouldn't want to contact you again? Would showing remorse, flattering them, etc....make it up to them? I've hurt mine (he deserved it and he got OVERLY hurt by the few things I said) Since then, I've shown remorse, flattered, etc..... Now I've stopped contact. Just wondered if he'd still miss me, that's all.
Chinook Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 Me....I don't care about dates or days.....I just care how I FEEL! They don't feel....they they care about DATA! I'm just going by the two that I've known that fit this type. Not necessarily referring to N's here......but to these logical "Spock" types I'm attracted to.That's exactly what an NPD person does though, they can't FEEL so they imitate feeling by attaching significance to things like dates, times, etc. My ex did it all the time and I knew he was doing it. He'd tell me about specific stuff and I'd be like 'wtf, I don't CARE about the DATE, tell me what you THINK and FEEL about it' but it would always wind up so that it somehow came to be that it was ME who didn't care because I wasn't attaching the same significance to things as he was. {sigh}
Chinook Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 Can you hurt an N so much that they wouldn't want to contact you again? Would showing remorse, flattering them, etc....make it up to them? I've hurt mine (he deserved it and he got OVERLY hurt by the few things I said) Since then, I've shown remorse, flattered, etc..... Now I've stopped contact. Just wondered if he'd still miss me, that's all.I have to be honest, I don't know because this is the very first time I've ever been involved with someone like this. But in my limited experience over-dramatising things is what they also do. It doesn't matter whether the attention you give them is good or bad, anything which validates their existence is what matters. For what it's worth Sam Vaknin says on his site that it is possible to cause an N injury to the point of them severing contact - but he says that's more to do with them realising that you're not the NS they want any more, that is you're not playing by their manipulative rules any longer... ... and that's what happened with me and my ex, once I stood up for myself, he went ballistic and ended it. Not heard from him since.
uniqueone Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 I have to be honest, I don't know because this is the very first time I've ever been involved with someone like this. But in my limited experience over-dramatising things is what they also do. It doesn't matter whether the attention you give them is good or bad, anything which validates their existence is what matters. For what it's worth Sam Vaknin says on his site that it is possible to cause an N injury to the point of them severing contact - but he says that's more to do with them realising that you're not the NS they want any more, that is you're not playing by their manipulative rules any longer... ... and that's what happened with me and my ex, once I stood up for myself, he went ballistic and ended it. Not heard from him since. Chinook, do you have the link where Vaknin talks about that specifically? I'm familiar with his site but can't find that part. Also, how were you not playing your ex's manipulative rules any longer?
child_of_isis Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 So now I understand. This is probably the best explanation of NC that I have read. Just reading it is empowering. I have it bookmarked ;-)[FONT=Arial Unicode MS][sIZE=3]"We want closure which is never going to come in a way that we want but we can find closure by No Contact. We want to be heard, want them to know the pain they've caused but they are never going to listen and if they do, they don't hear the words. What we often miss is the beauty of "No Contact." You are finally saying No More. It is your voice without the words but they hear it loud and clear as if you screamed from the top of your lungs - "Go to the Devil." No Contact is your pure and sweet rejection. It is empowering. It is your last word. It is your closure. It is one of the most hurtful narcissistic injuries you could inflict. They have finally come to understand you know just who and what they are. They know the tricks do not work anymore. They know you are no longer prey or a pawn in their game. It is your last word." [FONT=Arial Unicode MS][sIZE=3]"The no contact rule will be the best thing you ever did...please stay strong."[/sIZE][/FONT] [/sIZE][/FONT]
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