Aliddy Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 [FONT=Arial Unicode MS][sIZE=3]"We want closure which is never going to come in a way that we want but we can find closure by No Contact. We want to be heard, want them to know the pain they've caused but they are never going to listen and if they do, they don't hear the words. What we often miss is the beauty of "No Contact." You are finally saying No More. It is your voice without the words but they hear it loud and clear as if you screamed from the top of your lungs - "Go to the Devil." No Contact is your pure and sweet rejection. It is empowering. It is your last word. It is your closure. It is one of the most hurtful narcissistic injuries you could inflict. They have finally come to understand you know just who and what they are. They know the tricks do not work anymore. They know you are no longer prey or a pawn in their game. It is your last word." [FONT=Arial Unicode MS][sIZE=3]"The no contact rule will be the best thing you ever did...please stay strong."[/sIZE][/FONT] [/sIZE][/FONT]
Slippy72 Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 Very true statement that. I don't think everyone does it to harm though.
Turquoise Waters Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 I think that is a bit much, actually. If I am broken up with, that means the guy doesn't want me in his life, and that includes calling and emails, so why would I call a guy who broke up with me? Doesn't make sense. Or...if I did the breaking up, why would I call the guy I basically said I didn't want in my life anymore? Because if you call them, they're in your life. I don't think it is really as deep as the explanation above. If someone dumps you, they just said 'hey, I don't want contact with you anymore.'
Author Aliddy Posted July 22, 2007 Author Posted July 22, 2007 The quote I posted above, does not relate to normal relationships, but to Narccisists, people who are incapable of feeling emotion. They will just, without warning, and/or remorse, " dump you ", regardless of how long you have been together. You are to them " a source of supply " and once they have tired of you, no matter how long you have been together they simply move on to another, usually within days. There is absolutely no point in trying to reason with them, or asking for closure, they are unable to do this. One of the strongest indicators, is their absolute need to " control ", never take responsibilty for any relationship difficulties, and truly have the ability to " dump and discard " ( words associated with them ) without a second thought. So that was what my post related to.
funkybassplayer Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 i dont really agree with that b/c no contact is for us to feel better, i myself know that i would love to say hi to my ex, but i know i have to heal. She had many of the traits of Narcissistic relationship , but lets face it, were not giving any message to them, as they dont want us! In fact their glad that we are out of their lives from what i can see from my, and other peoples exp on here. We have to do it for us, and along the way, if they miss us, cool, but we wont know will we? Its for us, and no one else. Its all too easy to pick up the phone for me, but why? To hear how nice her life is, without me, no thanks, i cant and wont handle that, so we stay quite, and hope our pain goes.
Chinook Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 I think the point of the original post that some people are missing is that Aliddy was trying to say, it's your way of getting your closure for you. It is, as has been pointed out, horrible but true that they don't give a crap...so it's empowering when you reach that realisation because it helps you to maintain NC even if they contact you.
Green Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 The statement has truth, but it takes away from the real reason of why I think no contact is a great way to go and that is for your own sanity and healing. If you keep contacting some one who doesnt want anything to do with you it will only anoy them and make you feel rejected at the least. Thats why breaking all communication will help emotional wounds heal
Author Aliddy Posted July 22, 2007 Author Posted July 22, 2007 As Chinook said " you are missing the point " and I can understand why, if you are not a victim of a Narcissist. I was in a narcissistic relationship for 4 years, I did not at the time even know that such people exisisted. They have a false self and a real self, the false self, you will see at the beginning of the relationship, when they will portay to you, a perfect partner, loving, caring, kind infact everything you could ever wish for. However, that is all an illusion, they will, once they have secured your emotions, revert to the true self, one which is cold and heartless, void of emotions, one that will callously " dump and discard you " when they have found another " source of supply ". My situation with him, occured once before, we split up for 6 months, and during that time, he made sure, that I was still there ( back-up supply ) He would write me endless letters, ask me every day if I still loved him, tell me that he didn't love her ( yes he was with someone else ) and that he was angry with me, so his head was saying " no don't go back to her, his heart was saying " I love her forgive her ". ( his words on the situation ) So for six long months I did exactly that, I waited and waited, believing that it was my fault we split and that this was my punishment................ ( insanity I know ) So he finished with her and within days back with me .... ( a huge red flag but I just didn't or couldn't see it ) So here we are again, the exact same pattern, we have split ( after 20 months this time ) he is back with her, it was all may fault etc. etc. etc.... Only this time I wont be " a back-up supply " he will fully expect me to contact him, and agree to what ever terms he offers me......... So for me NO CONTACT is the one thing he just is unable to deal with. It causes " narssistic injury " which is the only way I have of achieving " closure " for me. This is not a normal human being, this is a predator, who love's only himself, but needs to emotions of others, either positive or negative to survive. I need him to realise, that I know what he is, that I refuse to allow myself to be in the circle of " recycling old supplies ". That I am not needy and dependent, that he has not completely destroyed me, that I am breaking his controlling pattern. How will he know that ............. simple NO CONTACT ..... there is no other way. Hope that explains things a little better :-)
Chinook Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 I need him to realise, that I know what he is, that I refuse to allow myself to be in the circle of " recycling old supplies ". That I am not needy and dependent, that he has not completely destroyed me, that I am breaking his controlling pattern. I beg to differ there. You only need to tell him not to contact you ever again. You do not need to have his complicity with your strategy for healing. This person has damaged you and your perception of human beings and you have to skew that back to how it was before you met him. You will do that without having to make him understand anything. He doesn't and can't understand. All he will understand is you turned away from him, causing his injury. His emotional response will never be mature enough to recognise that this is about YOU and not about him. You'll do good. But he doesn't need to know. All he needs to know is not to contact you via whatever means.
Author Aliddy Posted July 22, 2007 Author Posted July 22, 2007 Hi Chinook, I did exactly that............. I said " I am not playing these games anymore, I need to move on, I will not contact you again " to which he replied " thankyou take care " Within 24 HOURS !! HE contacts me with an email, asking how work was etc, what he was doing etc... as if nothing had happend .... I have not replied to that email........ that was 3 weeks ago.
Chinook Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 Hi Chinook, I did exactly that............. I said " I am not playing these games anymore, I need to move on, I will not contact you again " to which he replied " thankyou take care " Within 24 HOURS !! HE contact me with an email, asking how work was etc, what he was doing etc... as if nothing had happend .... I have not replied to that email........ Good for you. He will keep trying though - be sure of it. This morning, I too have had a web visitor to my blog from his ISP and his area. Not a lot of people know the blog addy, I took it down when we split. So, he's still randomly looking. He can look. If he doesn't like what he reads, tough. But he has no way of getting in touch with me because his email addresses that I had are all blocked. My phone has been sent back to him and my landline is on divert to the mobile which is on divert to voicemail. The only way he can contact me is by driving here and talking to me and it's too far away for him to do that. Plus, he's such an ego-maniac he will no way in hell come and ask me back. I just hope that whatever he reads pricks his paranoia enough to keep him away from me.
Author Aliddy Posted July 22, 2007 Author Posted July 22, 2007 They will go to any lengths ............. they wont give up easily ..... I expect your instincts are right, it was him reading your " blog " the reason I say that is because, mine, before N/C sent me email, making sarcastic commets about my transactions on EBAY .... can you believe this....he had read my " feedback " to see what I have been buying !!!!! They will use ANY method that can ... I to have placed my email on " auto response " changed my work mobile .....etc... Strange he also lives " miles away " so he can only drive to me also We are senstive human beings, with feelings, how must it be to be " in love " with only yourself ...... I have read a great book called " All about me " Loving a Narcissist ......... really helped.
tinke Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 i get what you are saying. when you are in it..you are far too close to see the warning signs, it is only after distance (n/c), that things begin to piece themselves. mine would draw me in, and then revert to emotional unavailability, also no empathy, truly incapable of placing themselves in other's situations. when things turn sour, again, no responsibility. particularly when someone else enters their life, and they are getting that ATTENTION they need...you no longer are needed, and casually tossed aside with absolutely no upset, no cares! it is hard to believe this is the person we were devoted to. but in fact, they haven't changed, we just didn't see. so, n/c has helped with discoveries.
Turquoise Waters Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 The quote I posted above, does not relate to normal relationships, but to Narccisists, people who are incapable of feeling emotion. They will just, without warning, and/or remorse, " dump you ", regardless of how long you have been together. You are to them " a source of supply " and once they have tired of you, no matter how long you have been together they simply move on to another, usually within days. There is absolutely no point in trying to reason with them, or asking for closure, they are unable to do this. One of the strongest indicators, is their absolute need to " control ", never take responsibilty for any relationship difficulties, and truly have the ability to " dump and discard " ( words associated with them ) without a second thought. So that was what my post related to. Eh, I don't agree. Basically what you're saying is just because someone decides they don't want a relationship with you because they have simply fallen out of love, that makes them narcissist and selfish. If they don't love you, that is why they are dumping you, plain and simple, so no "closure talk" is needed. There is no reasoning with being dumped. If someone doesn't want you in their life anymore, they have that right to have you get out. It doesn't make them selfish, why keep things going if the love isn't there for them, also it is not fair to you actually (the dumpee.) Usually a person who is dumped....there is usually signs that things are bad and the future dumper is detaching from the relationship.
tinke Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 i am curious turquoise waters...have you ever been in a long term relationship? because, yes, i see what you are saying in a brief encounter...however, when long-term, it adds to the confusion/disbelief. i see the above post as traits of his that were discovered afterwards...therefore, some understanding came into play.
Author Aliddy Posted July 22, 2007 Author Posted July 22, 2007 I am not suggesting that just because someone " dumps " you they are a narcissist, it's the way they do it. After four years with someone, who then will not tell you why, wont talk to you...complete silence........ That is not adult behaviour, or showing any respect for your feelings. Yes of course, people fall out of love, and when they do it's painful for all concerned, this is cold and callous " you have been replaced " you are then basically " deleted " from their life as if you never exisited. For any " normal " human being, this causes, disbelief, self doubt and endless questions .............. Warning signs, no, but unless you have experienced this type of person, it is difficult to comprehend.
uniqueone Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 I was involved with an N and I've e-mailed him quite a bit since the b/u. Got one response blaming me for it all and then I've e-mailed since trying to discuss it and explain it but gotten no responses. I've also asked if he had some of my things and gotten no response. I've sent many emails. My question is this, I've finally stopped. I never told him that he wouldn't hear anymore from me. I just stopped. Will it have the same effect on an N?
tinke Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 my guess is no....he simply doesn't care and probably is relieved from the questions, contacts...confrontation, in general! it's hard to believe, but i had relived it several times with my ex, always believing he was as committed as he said....NOT! it seems as though things go along, and wham...he's gone. and that's that! yes, within a "normal" relationship there are obvious signs, people communicate, etc. but for some, running is the answer. seldom, if ever, i would say...do they look back. simply, this type of person is not (if capable at all) to understand the hurt, etc. it's just..i'm done! no more contact! particularly for a long relationship...this is difficult to digest. for a brief encounter...i might feel...what an a$$. but, it becomes far more upsetting when you, too, have invested so much time.
uniqueone Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 I also wanted to add this....I see a LOT of people here saying they were involved with narcissists. Our society has become pretty narcissistic but that should be distinguished between a true narcissist. Because of my situation, I went to go talk to a professional about it. After telling him about the situation and the person, he clearly thought the guy was a narcissist. It was even things I wouldn't have even thought of. For instance, when I got a new job, I was excited because I got one so quickly and I even had TWO job offers in so just two weeks time. When I told the N, his reply was "So what is your next job going to be?" Uh...well I don't know....I'm glad to have a job so quickly.......having a means of support was primary on my mind after being downsized! In another conversation, he was saying something that made me reply: "You never give me credit for anything. Even when I got two job offers so quickly, your only response was 'so what job are you going to get next.'" I continued: "Some people go months without getting any job offers and I think that was pretty good that I got those." His response was: "No, I'm sorry....it's not." I said: "It isn't?" He said: "No....it's not." I sort of laughed unbelievingly and said "How could you say that?" He said "I'm sorry but it's just not impressive." (his belief was that I should be at a much higher level in my career than I am. He was not impressed with what I did for a living....I was not getting a corporate VP job). During a future conversation when I mentioned how he said things to me like the abovementioned: "it's just not impressive." his response was "Uniqueone.....you dragged that out of me. You kept asking things until I had no choice." Now...none of what he said was said with emotion on his part...he didn't feel bad about it......and he's never wrong. And THAT, my friends, is a true narcissist!
uniqueone Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 my guess is no....he simply doesn't care and probably is relieved from the questions, contacts...confrontation, in general! it's hard to believe, but i had relived it several times with my ex, always believing he was as committed as he said....NOT! it seems as though things go along, and wham...he's gone. and that's that! yes, within a "normal" relationship there are obvious signs, people communicate, etc. but for some, running is the answer. seldom, if ever, i would say...do they look back. simply, this type of person is not (if capable at all) to understand the hurt, etc. it's just..i'm done! no more contact! particularly for a long relationship...this is difficult to digest. for a brief encounter...i might feel...what an a$$. but, it becomes far more upsetting when you, too, have invested so much time. I thought for an N that ignoring them is what will bother them though.
Author Aliddy Posted July 22, 2007 Author Posted July 22, 2007 I also received one email, to say it was all my fault, why didn't I .....etc..etc..etc.... I have read so much since my break-up, and now have a much better understanding of what makes them tick. It is all about control, and they know how to make us behave, the most common tatic is " silence " ............. as they fully expect us to try to restore some sort of communication ........... when we dont " behave " as they expect, and they are loosing control, that is when, they are most likely to react ......... that usually means contact......[COLOR=#0000ff]Narcissistic Personality Disorder[/COLOR] that link should tell you all you need to know
uniqueone Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 I also received one email, to say it was all my fault, why didn't I .....etc..etc..etc.... I have read so much since my break-up, and now have a much better understanding of what makes them tick. It is all about control, and they know how to make us behave, the most common tatic is " silence " ............. as they fully expect us to try to restore some sort of communication ........... when we dont " behave " as they expect, and they are loosing control, that is when, they are most likely to react ......... that usually means contact......[COLOR=#0000ff]Narcissistic Personality Disorder[/COLOR] that link should tell you all you need to know Aliddy, I've read a whole bunch on it too lately and have ordered a book that someone here suggested "Oh no, I'm in love with a narcissist." (or something like that). And I tell myself everyday "haha..you have no more control over me." But do you think it bothers him in my case? Just want your opinion on that.
Author Aliddy Posted July 22, 2007 Author Posted July 22, 2007 Yes I believe it will, although any relationship truly is " all about them ", they need us to feel good about themselves. Suprisingly, any emotion towards them, either positive or negative is what they crave. I have had many sleepless nights thinking back, to some of the behaviour, I accepted from him, and it was without doubt " severly abnormal " ( I am talking about the physical side of the relationship ) I can remember, thinking I am forever saying sorry, it is always my fault, and I longed for the person I met, and maybe thats why I put up with it hoping he would return. But the person I met was not real, it was only an image ............. the real person, was the next 3 years......... So in answer to your question, yes he will be " bothered " but he will convince himself, that you will return .... and simply wait....... If you don't, hopefully by the time he realises " you are no longer his " you will be strong enough to ignore all he does to win you back......and believe me from what I have learn't they will try and try and try again....
Chinook Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 Uniqueone: I have to say, I think your N will only be bothered when he decides it's time to come back to you for his NS. That's when your true test will come. Until then, he won't be bothered. I have to say, I had my ex down as a narcissist. But I really don't think he was now. He didn't have the grandiose ideas of himself and instead he was rather a loner. I'm more inclined to believe it could have been any number of sociopathic/narcissistic personality traits. Like you, I have friends in the field and actually a couple of them asked me 'have you considered this?' when I was relating things which happened. The bottom line is, it doesn't matter what these people are. What matters now is our understanding and support of each other with two things: 1. They rejected us despite our love for them 2. They did so without care and compassion, without looking back
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