Author Love is Tragic Posted July 22, 2007 Author Posted July 22, 2007 Guess what innocent dude, you talk about your sex life with a married man a week ago and the 15th of july, so you ahd sex and didnt ended it months ago as you say now, and what oyu come with are not judgement but based on what oyu said oyurself and if you cant see its completely scrwed up, then good for you, after all that you who got to live with yourself and not us. i dont recall having saif the guy was white as snow but having said that you were as bad the one as the other and made a pair. You just have some misplacd expectation when you go with for an open marriage to expect things to be normal agian. Any way you dont hear a word of what is said to you you only hear what you want ot hear and right now you want to hear that lal are agianst oyu for no reasons at all. Fine. thats just not whats written here. Your marriage isnt going to function normally ever and thats all. You are attached enough to can live together but not to be married. This isnt a marriage when you want to have affairs each on your side. And now its what? for ever normal again or just a break form the open marriage and you wioll both do it again at a later date? Dont call it marriage, thats an agreement to pass each others mood, open when in the mood then not when he isnt until next time. You wanted this, deal with the consequences. You heard it before: one time cheater... and for you too. What part of your marriage are you trying to control? the one that is hopeless? First of all, i have not had sex with MM since the beginning of March, that was the last time. The other two threads i posted were from when i had phone conversations, not physical contact. The affair is over, listen to what i have posted! Read all my posts, and quit making up info as you go.
Author Love is Tragic Posted July 22, 2007 Author Posted July 22, 2007 It was easier to empathize with your situation in your first post when you could "barely breathe, my heart feels like it weighs 50 pounds right now" as opposed to the vision of you preferring your MM because he "could go several times a day, lol. My H never does that". Are you really surprised at people's reaction ? Mr. Lucky Of course im not surprised at all by others reactions. Ive made too many mistakes to expect to hear what sounds good to me. The affair was something i got myself into and i accept full responsibility. Obviously i felt something was lacking in my marriage to get involved with another man, a married one at that. My eyes have been opened up drastically by my mistakes. But i dont think anyone is hearing that-its not like i am still screwing MM behind my H's back. Its been over 4 months since last contact with him, besides the 2 phone conversations we had in the past 2 weeks. And i dont plan to ever speak to, or be involved with him ever again. And sure, quite a bit i do feel that my H is not the best match for me, that we shouldnt remain married. This is a different topic in itself, aside from the affairs. All i wanted was advice on the letter i found, nothing more, nothing less. But everyone else had to drag my affair out and call me a hypocrite. I would not have posted this thread if i was still involved with MM!! I am trying to get out of all this drama and get my life on track. I never expected for people to tell me what i want to hear.
LakesideDream Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 Tragic, You can't expect people to act any differently! Advice on "the letter" obviously includes why your H might had received it. With you fooling around (wow, four months ago.. that like a long time... right?) why wouldn't your husband want to have a back up plan? If it's just advice on the letter that you want, here it is: Put it away, and ignore it. You can't be sure when it was mailed, or delivered, could have been like 4 months ago right? You don't know whether he responded, or whether he's even interested for sure. Don't play with fire when you live in a straw house.
Author Love is Tragic Posted July 22, 2007 Author Posted July 22, 2007 Tragic, You can't expect people to act any differently! Advice on "the letter" obviously includes why your H might had received it. With you fooling around (wow, four months ago.. that like a long time... right?) why wouldn't your husband want to have a back up plan? If it's just advice on the letter that you want, here it is: Put it away, and ignore it. You can't be sure when it was mailed, or delivered, could have been like 4 months ago right? You don't know whether he responded, or whether he's even interested for sure. Don't play with fire when you live in a straw house. He says the letter was from 4 years ago while we were separated and him and her were seeing each other. They had obviously been seeing each other before that though. Im really tired of thinking about it, so im accepting his answer as the truth and dropping it. He says he put it away in the pocket behind the drivers seat and forgot about it. So he claims its been there for 4 years.. i dunno.. im done with the situation. I just wasnt going to put up with him cheating after he put an end to the open marriage thing because of him being too jealous over me. I wasnt going to put up with him cheating and expecting me to remain faithful.(which i wasnt, but only with MM, and thats over). Also keep in mind that ive been faithful all this time besides MM, H hasnt.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 I wasnt going to put up with him cheating and expecting me to remain faithful.(which i wasnt, but only with MM, and thats over). Also keep in mind that ive been faithful all this time besides MM, H hasnt. I'll give you this - you are consistent (in an illogical, self-delusional way ) in your thinking... Mr. Lucky 1
JamesM Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Your affair may have been over for four months or more, but your posts here in June and July indicate that your heart has never left the MM. I am not faulting you for having the affair, but I am saying that your affair is relevant and not in the past. Being faithful except for one affair...and then saying that your H has had multiple affairs....I am thinking that neither is better than the other, is it? Or are you saying that he continually cheats on you over many months, while you only cheated the once for a short period? I can see why you would be upset with him. Even though you have decided that this letter is from the past, it does seem that this letter has brought up something to think about....your affair and his past affairs. Have they been resolved? DO you plan on hiding your affair from him or do you want a clean slate?
jmargel Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 You need to grow up and tell your husband about your affair. You act like a teenager where the rules don't apply to you. So what if you have not had sex with this MM, but you are at least 'still love him', think about him and share your heart with him. You have created this distance between you and your husband and if you think your husband doesn't notice this you are very nieve. Continue what you are doing and the marriage will fall apart. Your husband is already looking elsewhere or you have threats of that happening. This is a wake up call to realize what both of you are doing. You two need major marriage counseling.
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 And sure, quite a bit i do feel that my H is not the best match for me, that we shouldnt remain married. This is a different topic in itself, aside from the affairs. All i wanted was advice on the letter i found, nothing more, nothing less. But everyone else had to drag my affair out and call me a hypocrite. I would not have posted this thread if i was still involved with MM!! I am trying to get out of all this drama and get my life on track. I never expected for people to tell me what i want to hear. Then end your marriage since it seems you two aren't suited for eachother. Honestly, what is the point of getting upset here? You don't trust him and he may not trust you. Sorry, but you left out important facts from your sitution, making it seem like you were so into your husband, that your heart hurts deeply....Yes, you may be really hurting, but it wasn't long ago your heart was with the MM. Less than a month ago and you said you had feelings for him. Well, feelings like that don't go away quickly, married or not! If you saw the MM - You'd prob. still 'feel' something for him, even if you didn't want to....I'm just sayin'..... Anyway, YOU need to choose how you want your marriage to be. Honest, loving, giving? Does he make you happy? Seek some counselling to help you, because there's no point in staying in the marriage if you really don't 'love' him and can't live a life with him...It's unfair to BOTH of you. Or, try to re-capture what it was that brought you two together. Sidenote - Don't you two have children as well? How do they fit into all this?
nittygritty Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 I think you should talk to your husband. Tell him about your affair and ask him about the note you found. Find out if either of you even want to be married to each other after all of the information is on the table. You may just be looking for a reason to end your marriage. It would be difficult to ever trust each other again after having an open marriage and also both of you having had affairs. However, you may find that monogamy is always going to be a problem for you and your husband, no matter who either of you are with. Staying together, just for the sake of being married, may be both of your best shots at finding someone who understands and is willing to tolerate infidelity in marriage.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Being faithful except for one affair... Kind of like saying Henry VIII was good to all his wives, except... Mr. Lucky 1
Author Love is Tragic Posted July 23, 2007 Author Posted July 23, 2007 Your affair may have been over for four months or more, but your posts here in June and July indicate that your heart has never left the MM. I am not faulting you for having the affair, but I am saying that your affair is relevant and not in the past. Being faithful except for one affair...and then saying that your H has had multiple affairs....I am thinking that neither is better than the other, is it? Or are you saying that he continually cheats on you over many months, while you only cheated the once for a short period? I can see why you would be upset with him. Even though you have decided that this letter is from the past, it does seem that this letter has brought up something to think about....your affair and his past affairs. Have they been resolved? DO you plan on hiding your affair from him or do you want a clean slate? As much as i want a clean slate, and although i have been hiding my transgressions from H for so long, I have realized my wrong-doings are just that.. wrong. Im not cheating anymore, and im afraid if i tell him about this he will want to take our daughter and leave. I wouldnt be able to handle not seeing my little girl because of a mistake on my part. So as wrong as keeping it from him is, im sure many people here can see where im coming from. As far as the questions on if H has had multiple affairs, there were a few women that he slept with (that i knew about, during the whole open thing) but over the course of our years together, i would keep busting him on his contact with his ex GF. I know they were keeping in contact with each other and god knows what else. He claims it never got physical until we separated years back. But i dont buy the whole NC thing, i think he was sleeping with her the whole time. Why i kept taking him back i dont know. We didnt have a child then, i had a good job, i could easily have left him and started a new life of my own. Now its more complicated. I know many here are wondering why i would continuously keep taking him back after finding out about his contact with ex GF so many times but even i cant answer that . I was too weak i suppose.
KindBlindConflicted Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 ...you and hubby need to figure out what the ground rules are once again, do your best to forgive and forget, and get some counseling to try and move forward. While it would be real easy to slam you for the way you introduced your "problem" at the start of this thread, I will avoid that. You have taken a fair number of body blows on that one. Asked and answered. What I will tell you is that you and hubby did not do a lot to "protect" your marriage over the years. You both share the blame for that. While I am pretty liberal-minded, I have never understood how any couple could think that an open-marriage is a good idea. I can understand swinging, threesomes, moresomes, etc, as those things are generally "both parties present" activities. Yes, I know those situations can blow-up a marriage as well, but there are plenty of couples where it works out just fine. But what is the point of being married if you are continuing to "date" others? Again, however, what is done is done--i.e. your hidden affair and the possibility of his hidden agenda with the ex. The next step should be obvious. The two of you need to decide if you still love (AND LIKE) each other enough to stay married. Fortunately, you both have apparently blown your vows several times, so there shouldn't be the same kind of hurt to work past as there is when there is the typical cheating spouse-betrayed spouse situation. Not to diminish the hurt he may feel about your affair or the hurt you may feel about him fooling with his ex, but if you are both adults and are sensible, you should be able to realize that neither of you did the other right or more wrong--you know, don't throw stones when living in a glass house type scenario. You both also must realize and be willing to come completely clean on the past. Maintaining any secrets will only serve to make work put into saving the marriage futile. If either of you keep anything hidden, no matter how bad you think revealing it will hurt the other or hinder trying to salvage the marriage, you will only be kidding yourselves. It will only be a matter of time before the secret springs a leak and you will find yourself back at square one. If the love and like for each other is still there, between growing up and letting the silly old grudges go, eliciting the help of a good counselor, and figuring out where the line on "extra-marital" sex needs to be drawn to make both of you feel safe, you both actually have a chance to move past this mess. But it will require swallowing a big dose of reality, a bigger dose of pride, genuine forgiveness, and communicating like you never have before. Since you have a child involved, it should be in both of your best interests to make this work. Good luck...
KindBlindConflicted Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 ...hope it doesn't take this too far off the intended topic. And while it may have been answered in one of your previous posts, I am curious what you guys were thinking the benefits of an open marriage were? Was it just about the sex? Was it the on-going chance to find an "upgrade?" Does he have a thing for seeing/hearing about you with another man? Do you have fetish about him with other women? I am just asking because this has always something, as I said in the last post, that I just could never figure out the benefits of. I mean, and I am not suggesting this as a solution for you guys, wouldn't a swinging lifestyle been safer with most of the same benefits sexually? Certainly, there are no hard and fast rules and everything comes with consequences, but for the most part, swinging in a MFM, FMF, MFMF, or MF with hubby or wife just watching doesn't create the dangerous "falling in love" attraction that an affair or open-marriage would. It is just about sex. And done right, from personal experience and talking with others that participate in the swinging lifestyle, it is just another loving thing shared by two married or commited people, albeit with guests in the bedroom!!! Plus, unless one or the other partner is over-the-top jealous or selfish, both get equal benefits and participation. Sorry, but I just had to ask because I have never been given a reason that seems to hold water. Take care...
Author Love is Tragic Posted July 23, 2007 Author Posted July 23, 2007 ...hope it doesn't take this too far off the intended topic. And while it may have been answered in one of your previous posts, I am curious what you guys were thinking the benefits of an open marriage were? Was it just about the sex? Was it the on-going chance to find an "upgrade?" Does he have a thing for seeing/hearing about you with another man? Do you have fetish about him with other women? I am just asking because this has always something, as I said in the last post, that I just could never figure out the benefits of. I mean, and I am not suggesting this as a solution for you guys, wouldn't a swinging lifestyle been safer with most of the same benefits sexually? Certainly, there are no hard and fast rules and everything comes with consequences, but for the most part, swinging in a MFM, FMF, MFMF, or MF with hubby or wife just watching doesn't create the dangerous "falling in love" attraction that an affair or open-marriage would. It is just about sex. And done right, from personal experience and talking with others that participate in the swinging lifestyle, it is just another loving thing shared by two married or commited people, albeit with guests in the bedroom!!! Plus, unless one or the other partner is over-the-top jealous or selfish, both get equal benefits and participation. Sorry, but I just had to ask because I have never been given a reason that seems to hold water. Take care... Well, i suppose the 'swinging' lifestyle is explained differently by many.. I personally wouldnt mind the 3-some, 4-some, swapping deal but H seems to be too 'shy' to go about that. The girls he did sleep with during the open part were all very young(legal, but young). So i think the whole lifestyle intimidates him. And yes, i do have a sort of 'fetish' for hearing about his sexual endeavors with other women. And it really seemed to spice up our own sex life. Who doesnt like the idea of sleeping with someone 'different' than what they are used to. Everyone has fantasies, whether it be a woman fantasizing about Brad Pitt or a man thinking about Jessica Alba. This almost seemed a perfect solution for us both to experience something new and to come home and tell the other all about it. Its a huge turn-on. But when i actually went out and slept with another man, he couldnt handle the jealousy that engulfed him about it. Even though he was the first one to sleep with different partners. So.. i dont know. It obviously didnt work for us even though i was very open-minded about the whole deal. Who knows?? We do have several friends/couples who indulge in the swinger scene quite frequently. In the case of one of the couples we are good friends with, the H encourages the W to indulge in extra-marital sex. Its a HUGE turn on for him, he is very very into it. And they also swing with other couples as well. And another couple we are close to-the H is not as crazy about the W finding sexual partners of her own, but he still allows it. So its different for everyone.
whichwayisup Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 If you want your marriage to work, you gotta get out of the frame of mind of the open marriage and swinging. . Im not cheating anymore, and im afraid if i tell him about this he will want to take our daughter and leave. How can he take your daughter away from you, when he has cheated as well? Anyway, IF you two DO split up, I would hope BOTH of you would put your child FIRST and share custody. Put your bad feelings aside for the sake of your child.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 But i dont buy the whole NC thing, i think he was sleeping with her the whole time. Why i kept taking him back i dont know. We didnt have a child then, i had a good job, i could easily have left him and started a new life of my own. Now its more complicated. I know many here are wondering why i would continuously keep taking him back after finding out about his contact with ex GF so many times but even i cant answer that . I was too weak i suppose. Here is my question: Why, in your mind, is his infidelity somehow worse than yours? You keep coming back to the fact that you think he has slept with his ex GF outside that bounds of your open marriage, but you also had a side A with a MM. Still, you seem determined to make him the bad guy in this deal when there seems to be plenty of blame to go around... Mr. Lucky
KindBlindConflicted Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 ...I guess your hubby didn't think things through completely, didn't know his own feelings and jealousy well enough. Typical male, of which I am, to think with your lower head and not weigh all of the other ramifications. "Oh, boy, I can get some strange...uh oh, not so happy about her getting some, too." Good for the goose, good for the gander--not so much so. Definitely, as whichway said, swinging and open marriage is not an option. At least right now, at least until you both come clean, put all the cards on the table, put your house in order, and iron out the issues with a counselor. Most probably, not ever. It doesn't work for you. Like an addict. The majority of the population can have a couple of drinks on the weekend or smoke a joint at the occasional party. But not the addict. Same goes with alternative sexual activities within a marriage. It works for a lot of people. But it doesn't seem like it works for you. And as I said before, you both need to get over yourselves. Lucky echoed that with the comment about why hubby's affair would be worse than yours. Neither were good. But if the love and like are there to stay together, then it is time to take the adult mindset. Quit laying blame. Quit one-upping each other over war stories. Accept that you both made mistakes and move forward. I hope it works out for you guys. It really sounds like you just got in over your heads. Even though you cannot really, it is time for a do-over. Better yet, an agreed upon mulligan. Take care...
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