Love is Tragic Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 Ok, so after suspecting my H of cheating for quite some time now, i finally got evidence today. I can barely breathe, my heart feels like it weighs 50 pounds right now. H was headed over to his parents house with our daughter to work on his car, and i was putting the seat belt on my daughter in the back seat when i noticed a white envelope with his name on it and a little heart next to the name. It was lying in the floor and i knew it couldnt be good. I instantly started shaking. So i grabbed the envelope and stuck it in my pant pocket before he noticed and told them goodbye. I went back in the house to finish getting ready for work and read it. Its from his F*cking ex GF and in the letter she is telling him how in love with him she is, and they have this perfect love, that she wants him to hold her in his arms every night forever, blah blah blah. On a side note, this is the same girl that we have had problems with since we got married. He obviously was never over her and kept in contact with her, even after promising me NC. And its back to rear its ugly head yet again. I just cant believe it. I dont know what to do, i dont know where to start. I havent called him yet. Or her(her numbers are on the front of the envelope). I cant believe this is happening again and i dont even know where to go to get the truth. I know he will just lie to me and i wont get any info. What do i do?? To make it even worse, i had to go to work immediately after reading this letter. I called my best friend, and she says he is planning a surprise b-day party for me this coming up week. arrrgggg!!!! So now i either have to confront him now (also my daughters b-day week, we took vacation time for this week.) or try to wait it out and pretend like nothings wrong?? Where do i start?
Author Love is Tragic Posted July 21, 2007 Author Posted July 21, 2007 To add to this, this is one of the worst freaking timings for me to find out about this. We are taking a week of vacation together for family time and to have a b-day party for our daughter. I just cant believe my ****ty luck, this is so horrible. Do i confront him now?? or just wait?? i just dont think i can act like nothing is wrong for over a week!! Do i confront the OW?? I have her numbers.
Lizzie60 Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 To add to this, this is one of the worst freaking timings for me to find out about this. We are taking a week of vacation together for family time and to have a b-day party for our daughter. I just cant believe my ****ty luck, this is so horrible. Do i confront him now?? or just wait?? i just dont think i can act like nothing is wrong for over a week!! Do i confront the OW?? I have her numbers. If you confront him you already know he's going to lie... so you have to decide whether you want to wait or confront him now. Why do women always have to have a 'proof' in order to do something. You do have the proof...why do you need him to validate that...he won't... I doubt he will anyway. Een if he lies, you know damn well that he's lying... so that should not be an issue for you about taking your decision. It's up to you... like you say it could be hard to pretend nothing has happened. You definitely don't confront the OW...that would be useless and no help for you. She might lie too and laugh at you... So, only YOU know what's best for you and your daughter...think about her too. I think, if I were you, I would wait, for my daughter's sake, I wouldn't want to ruin her holidays.
Chinook Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 So, only YOU know what's best for you and your daughter...think about her too. I think, if I were you, I would wait, for my daughter's sake, I wouldn't want to ruin her holidays. I agree with Lizzie, only you know your capability for how to approach it. The first thing that *I* would do is wait. I'd apply the 24 hour rule of doing precisely nothing. That way, let things settle and calm down. Give yourself time to think. If this thing is going to happen the way it appears it's going to happen, why rush into it...? Take your time and try to step back and think clearly.
Author Love is Tragic Posted July 21, 2007 Author Posted July 21, 2007 I am seriously thinking about waiting, but i just dont know if i can 'pretend' for a week and a half that everything is fine while i spend time with the family, while we are having b-day parties, and sex with him?? It makes me sick to think about it, knowing what i know. He will probably tell me the letter is old, but then why would it pop up in his car all of a sudden? Why would he keep it? Did he want me to find it? I just dont know why hed be so careless about it. A friend of mine thinks that maybe she expressed her love for him and he told her to f*ck off. yeah right, i seriously doubt that. The way the letter reads is like there has been something going on for a long time, or that maybe it never ended with each other and theyve been secretly sneaking around maybe for years now?? She does sound rather infatuated in the letter and mentions that she hopes everything works out with him and her, and that she hopes she doesnt have to walk away, because it will be the most difficult thing she will ever have to do.
Lizzie60 Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 I am seriously thinking about waiting, but i just dont know if i can 'pretend' for a week and a half that everything is fine while i spend time with the family, while we are having b-day parties, and sex with him?? It makes me sick to think about it, knowing what i know. He will probably tell me the letter is old, but then why would it pop up in his car all of a sudden? Why would he keep it? Did he want me to find it? I just dont know why hed be so careless about it. A friend of mine thinks that maybe she expressed her love for him and he told her to f*ck off. yeah right, i seriously doubt that. The way the letter reads is like there has been something going on for a long time, or that maybe it never ended with each other and theyve been secretly sneaking around maybe for years now?? She does sound rather infatuated in the letter and mentions that she hopes everything works out with him and her, and that she hopes she doesnt have to walk away, because it will be the most difficult thing she will ever have to do. I very much doubt that he wanted you to find it... Men are not as careful with things like that sometimes... he probably dropped it from his briefcase or something... If I were you, I would not have sex with him for a little while...find excuse, because if you do, you might end up crying or something and you won't be able to hold on till after the vacation... it will ruin everything for you and your daughter. Pretend you have a headache or anything...I'm sure you can come up with some good excuses.
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 Because of your daughter - Wait a week. If your H asks why you are distant or if something is wrong, tell him now isn't the time to talk about it but you will next week. THEN, when next week comes along, tell him you found the letter, that you don't trust him anymore. Is the OW married or have a boyfriend? If so, you might want to consider telling her partner too. An affair thrives when noone knows about it, but once D-Day happens, it's harder to lie, hide and sneak around... Bottomline - You decide what is best for you and your child. Make it clear to him that he cannot have you and the OW, so either you decide to kick him out, or he ends it with the OW forever this time. And, he has to go to marriage counselling with you, as well as individual counselling.
Author Love is Tragic Posted July 21, 2007 Author Posted July 21, 2007 I really thing i will just have to wait and try my best to act like nothing has happened. But he may notice that the note isnt in there anymore because i have it. I plan to make copies of it and i am also going to have a copy of our phone records sent to my work address so i can see if hes been talking to her and when. Im going to try and gather as much evidence as i can before the **** hits the fan. It will kill me to wait it out, but i think thats the best thing to do. It will take a few days to get the phone records anyhow, and that will really help me out when i confront him. I just cannot BELIEVE that there is still something going on with him and her. After all he has put me through with this. I should have left a long time ago but i was too weak then. Not anymore. If shes his freaking 'soul mate' then she can have him. I should have known he never got over her.
Author Love is Tragic Posted July 21, 2007 Author Posted July 21, 2007 Because of your daughter - Wait a week. If your H asks why you are distant or if something is wrong, tell him now isn't the time to talk about it but you will next week. THEN, when next week comes along, tell him you found the letter, that you don't trust him anymore. Is the OW married or have a boyfriend? If so, you might want to consider telling her partner too. An affair thrives when noone knows about it, but once D-Day happens, it's harder to lie, hide and sneak around... Bottomline - You decide what is best for you and your child. Make it clear to him that he cannot have you and the OW, so either you decide to kick him out, or he ends it with the OW forever this time. And, he has to go to marriage counselling with you, as well as individual counselling. whichwayisup, i have been through this with him entirely too many times to make just another ultimatum and demand for him to choose between her and me. There are no more chances for him and he knows it. I have told him numerous times that if i EVER find out they are talking again, it will be over, and for good. Obviously he wants to have his cake and eat it too, well not anymore. If thats who he wants to be with, ill make it easy for him. He can deal with the consequences.
Lizzie60 Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 whichwayisup, i have been through this with him entirely too many times to make just another ultimatum and demand for him to choose between her and me. There are no more chances for him and he knows it. I have told him numerous times that if i EVER find out they are talking again, it will be over, and for good. Obviously he wants to have his cake and eat it too, well not anymore. If thats who he wants to be with, ill make it easy for him. He can deal with the consequences. But he may notice that the note isnt in there anymore because i have it. Even if he notices it's not where it is suppose to be... so what? do you really think he will ask you where it is? LOL I don't think so. There are no more chances for him and he knows it. I have told him numerous times that if i EVER find out they are talking again, it will be over, and for good. Then... no more chances... you're out of there... simple...if you give him one more chance...he will never ever stop...cause he'll know you will always keep him... I posted yesterday about a W who stayed with his cheater H for over 20 years, he still cheats...
Author Love is Tragic Posted July 21, 2007 Author Posted July 21, 2007 But he may notice that the note isnt in there anymore because i have it. Even if he notices it's not where it is suppose to be... so what? do you really think he will ask you where it is? LOL I don't think so. There are no more chances for him and he knows it. I have told him numerous times that if i EVER find out they are talking again, it will be over, and for good. Then... no more chances... you're out of there... simple...if you give him one more chance...he will never ever stop...cause he'll know you will always keep him... I posted yesterday about a W who stayed with his cheater H for over 20 years, he still cheats... True, im not saying that he will bring it up if he notices the letter is not there, but he may start acting funny around me and it may become obvious. I just dont understand why he would be so careless to leave it lying in his car when hes been so careful about deleting his mesage and call history in his phone and making sure i cant find anything.
Chinook Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 I just dont understand why he would be so careless to leave it lying in his car when hes been so careful about deleting his mesage and call history in his phone and making sure i cant find anything. He didn't leave it there, his subconscious did. It looks to me like his subconscious wants to be caught and wants it all over with. This is one of those classic passive-aggressive things that a bloke does to get the woman to make the decision for him.
Lizzie60 Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 True, im not saying that he will bring it up if he notices the letter is not there, but he may start acting funny around me and it may become obvious. I just dont understand why he would be so careless to leave it lying in his car when hes been so careful about deleting his mesage and call history in his phone and making sure i cant find anything. but sometimes, even if we are extremely careful, sh*t happens. He dropped it. We all do that one time or another, drop something off our pockets or our purse... every body loses stuff. He might already knows it's missing.
Author Love is Tragic Posted July 21, 2007 Author Posted July 21, 2007 He didn't leave it there, his subconscious did. It looks to me like his subconscious wants to be caught and wants it all over with. This is one of those classic passive-aggressive things that a bloke does to get the woman to make the decision for him. Chinook, thats what i think too. That it will make it 'easier' on him if i make the choice to leave him and that way he will have a back up woman to fall on. Sounds sick, but is most likely true. And if i decided to stay with him, then he would get to keep us both, even after promising me they would have NC. Same old crap, different day. Well, he has screwed up royally this time, at least before, we didnt have our daughter and it was less complicated. I should have left then, i really should have..
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 whichwayisup, i have been through this with him entirely too many times to make just another ultimatum and demand for him to choose between her and me. There are no more chances for him and he knows it. I have told him numerous times that if i EVER find out they are talking again, it will be over, and for good. Obviously he wants to have his cake and eat it too, well not anymore. If thats who he wants to be with, ill make it easy for him. He can deal with the consequences. Okay, so he has done this before, been caught, made promises and lied again. Then YOU make the choice. Tell him to pack his stuff and get out. Ofcourse, do this after all the bday party stuff is over and done with... He's a grown man, noone has held a gun to his head making him choose to cheat on you, so yeah, he has to suffer the consquences of his actions. He's a fool.
Author Love is Tragic Posted July 21, 2007 Author Posted July 21, 2007 Okay, so he has done this before, been caught, made promises and lied again. Then YOU make the choice. Tell him to pack his stuff and get out. Ofcourse, do this after all the bday party stuff is over and done with... He's a grown man, noone has held a gun to his head making him choose to cheat on you, so yeah, he has to suffer the consquences of his actions. He's a fool. Yep, thats exactly what i am going to do, kick him out, i am done. He has shattered my heart over her WAY too many times, and i was a fool to stay with him after finding out about her all those times. I wish i would have ended it the first time i found out. I feel like a complete idiot. I should have known he would never end it with her.
JamesM Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 Crazy that I am going to be the first to ask this question....and I have not read through your past. Are you SURE that he is in contact with HER? I ask that because it is entirely possible that because they have had past affair, that now she is letting him know with that letter that she is available. This does not mean he has intentions of contacting her. This does not mean he HAS contacted her. And this certainly does not mean he is in the middle of an affair. Of course, not having read the letter, I may be way off base. However, it does merit some caution to not assume the worst. Is the only recent evidence this letter? Or (as I will find when I read your posts), has he been acting suspicious very recently? Just another opinion. I know that as a guy...if I had had a past girlfriend who contacted me again, I do not know what my response would be either. It would be flattering to know she still cares, but I do not think I would contact her. Yet the idea of telling you that she has contacted me does not sound appealing. He may have simply been wondering how to deal with this. Ignoring her letter wouldn't work, and responding wouldn't work.
Author Love is Tragic Posted July 21, 2007 Author Posted July 21, 2007 Crazy that I am going to be the first to ask this question....and I have not read through your past. Are you SURE that he is in contact with HER? I ask that because it is entirely possible that because they have had past affair, that now she is letting him know with that letter that she is available. This does not mean he has intentions of contacting her. This does not mean he HAS contacted her. And this certainly does not mean he is in the middle of an affair. Of course, not having read the letter, I may be way off base. However, it does merit some caution to not assume the worst. Is the only recent evidence this letter? Or (as I will find when I read your posts), has he been acting suspicious very recently? Just another opinion. I know that as a guy...if I had had a past girlfriend who contacted me again, I do not know what my response would be either. It would be flattering to know she still cares, but I do not think I would contact her. Yet the idea of telling you that she has contacted me does not sound appealing. He may have simply been wondering how to deal with this. Ignoring her letter wouldn't work, and responding wouldn't work. The way the letter reads is that she loves the feeling she gets when she is laying in his arms, that they have this perfect love, blah blah blah. It certainly doesnt sound as if she is just out of the blue contacting him after all this time. Plus, the letter wasnt mailed, it only had his name on the front of it, and there were 2 numbers written on the front, in his handwriting. So im assuming they have at least talked to exchange contact info. And i know she is on myspace, so they have most likely messaged back and forth on there.
Sweet Chestnut Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 I will be oyu I will just go to see that girl and have a talk with her first to found out things. You got her number you got her adress too. Just pop up and talk with her and ask her since how long nad why and so on. Confront him imediatly. This might have been the last time, but also it can be that he want to rekindle with her and stay with her. What i dont get is why he maried you and got a child with you if he was still in love of someone else. Doenst make any sense. Confront him straight away. F--- the b-day party, this is more important. Have a good tlak with him over this for several days. And it could be the very last time the monster roar its head up, or it might be the deifnitive time to say goodbye, and it will be because he has made the choice and want to stay with her. So you have to tlak. It is good that you are mad at him so it will make it easier on you if its the case that he do want to be with her instead of you. Dont take any final decision before the next weekend is over tho. I am sure that by then you will know wiht no possible doubt where the balance fall. It can be he had to work out the final cramps of the memory he beared or it can be that he made his choice in the process and htat it falled for her. In any case he was wrong towards you, but not all are able to work out their past emotional mistakes or emotional disarray just like that. It can be that their affair is only possible because you are htere and if the place was free then it will never work between the two. But that if he had to chose then he will chose oyu, but never before he was confronted so close than this time. So now is the rigth time to put everythign on the table. Do not hide things do not contain, just bull in, and present all you know and ask him directly why he did so, how he rekindle with her, what he wants to do, and whats going to happen. He probably didnt talk to you about it cause he wasnt sure of his decision and cause you 2 have a baby together. But now it cant be kept hidden anymore. It is the best to do and the healthiest,. do not wait or it is going to blow out during the weekend. Deal with it now. Confront him first and then after talking to him for long, call that girl, before he has time to can tell her himself, so you have 2 side of it and are better suited. I cna understand that he never could go over a past love, but it was completely wrong from him to handle it this way. and for so long. That must be a real mess for you, and I am sorry for what you must feel right now. I wish you good luck and to have the strength to come over it fast.
JamesM Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 Okay, now I read some of your past. I get the idea that both of you have cheated on each other. And now you are indignant that he may be doing it again. Just on July 15th you debated whether you really wanted to stay in this marriage. Do you love and trust this man? And strange as it may seem, why do you think he should trust YOU? I understand that you feel a lot of pain right now, but maybe this marriage has been over before you found this letter? To blame your husband for cheating is rather interesting when you also have/had a MM. BTW, did your H know about your affair? I know so many of you must be screaming, Let him go!! and i dont really know why part of me is still holding on to him. I guess because i love him, and i just cant turn that off. Plus, i know hes so capable of being a great guy, and a great friend, and hes still such a good listener. But why does he bother? Does he still have feelings for me? The above quote is from your own thread. This was on the 13th. Now you discover a letter addressed to your husband and HE is the bad guy? The next quote is from June. It sounds like your affair with the MM is no big deal and should have no effect on your marriage. Yet when you find a letter from an ex-GF to your H...well, it DOES have an effect, doesn't it? I am fairly happily married, its rough from time to time, as all marriages are, but for the most part is happy. He is not so happily married, but stays for the kids. we've discussed our feelings, but never gone so far as to say, "i love you". Even though we both know how the other feels. Neither one expects the other to leave our spouses or anything comparing to that. We try to leave it pretty casual, as to not make it any more complicated than it already is. We just have this connection that ive never felt with anyone else, and i just cant deny it. On July 8, I see that you suspected your husband. Is this the first time that he has had an affair during your marriage? Has he ever found out about yours? I suspect my H may be fooling around but dont have any solid proof yet. Here are the 'signs', tell me whether im just paranoid or going crazy or not. My suggestion is that if you want to continue with your husband, then both of you should come clean with your affairs. For you to confront him about his, and then avoid telling him about yours is quite wrong. However, I suspect that he may know more than you think. It will be an interesting conversation, I think.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 My suggestion is that if you want to continue with your husband, then both of you should come clean with your affairs. Hey James, make sure you advise her to tell her H this, which she posted a week ago: With my MM, there were times where we didnt have sex, just enjoyed each others company,or hung out with other friends, etc, but most of the time, it was pure, hot sex. Our connection was just too passionate to pass up. We found things in each other that we didnt get from our spouses. He was having sex once or twice a month with his wife, him and me were going at it every chance we got. I had a pretty satisfying sex life with my H, but missed that "spark" and the instant excitement. Plus, MM could go several times a day, lol. My H never does that. Love is Tragic, you win this year's hypocrisy prize... Mr. Lucky
Chinook Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 Oh I didn't know that. Why are people like this...? (btw, Mr Lucky, you have a good memory there). [sigh]
Sweet Chestnut Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 Then why are people posting here like being desperate when they have been cheating their husbands very joyously and with no shame at all and no thought at all of their feelings nor of the kids, and play it innocent like that?!! I dont get it. If this si true then thats straight forward, but maybe that was more funny to do so while married??!! and he got an ex that is single but your affair is married so thats.. no so lucky! WHY DID YOU GET MARRIED FOR? Arrangement? status? friends? family? comfort? Why did you stayed married? At least now you know why your husband didnt gave you so much sex.. he was already giving it else where, and so were you. You make the pair. Maybe you hsould make it into an open marrieage now that you are at it, or quit it all together. Whats the point? I htink you need an urgent talk with him, and maybe that leter wasnt accidental at all.. wasnt put there to fall him, but to fall you.. maybe... The best is that you 2 talk together and or you love oenanotehr and stay but this time clean, or best you just file for divorce and basta!
Chinook Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 Sweet Chestnut, I think you may be right there. They are BOTH doing this. The only individual which is going to lose out here is their daughter. Jeez.
Sweet Chestnut Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 If they loved each other they wont do that and she wont write what she wrote about her affair. She seemd to be pretty happy about it and cynical about her husband, like enjoying it very much, and being even laughing at him. Not ashame or embarassed at all. Thats people who are against hippy and free thinkers and liberal, talking and making conservative way of life, with we are married with kids and job in good neighbourghood, while being hypicrite to the marv, and just having a free sex life with multiple partners and no condoms.. at home..and being as dishonnest as can be with themselves and with the perosn they share their life with. Well, not all their life as we can see. Ok, if honnest about it, and doing it opnely admitting it, but like that nad crying about him "cheating her" like that and in the same forum where she brag about cheating him, and at a week to days intercal, thats too much. Maybe he got to know about it, and thats why he rekindled with his ex. Or ask her to make a fake love letter, just to give her a payback. Looks like there is 2 couples into deep, here. Also the story to wait until the bday party of the kid is over!..??! what for? to keep appearences? Gee! thats all what count for those people or what? WHAT OTHERS MIGHT THINK AND SAY..? Baaa! this is too low to even think about it. When I see that i think that the extreeme opposite keeping virgin until marriage and staying in total fidelity with the oen you married aint so bad at all, and much better thna such a mess. Maybe she did keep virgin until she got married! sure there si some that do so. So they are clean! lol! and they can cheat, but first once married..! better have tried out first, and know what you want beofre giving a serment that bind you for life.. and making babies that will be bind to it for life and not just on a paper! This is sick. Doing it is one thing, and already bad enough, but coming here to cry about it and ask for advice... hidding the rest, thats taking fox for fools.
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