heatseeker411 Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 I have been dating this girl for about three months. I was completely smitten by her at first, but my attraction to her has been diminishing since I have been getting to know her. I don't look forward to seeing her as much as I used to. She treats me well but there are just some things she does and doesn't do that drive me up the wall. She is 24 and I am only her second boyfriend. I am the same age and she is my sixth serious girlfriend. I always ask her what she would like to do and she can NEVER give me an answer, so i have to think of something every single time: "What do you want to get for dinner?" "I don't know." "What movie do you want to see tonight?" "I don't know." ETC. Also, I end up sharing anecdotes from my life with her but she rarely shares any of her own, and when I ask her if she has any, she always says that she's drawing a blank. If we see a movie, I ask her what she thought. "I liked it" is about all i can ever get out of her. She is a talented artist, and I relate to her work, but it's much more difficult for me to relate to her in person. Factor all of that in with the fact that I don't particularly enjoy sleeping with her (most of my enjoyment comes from being able to pleasure my partner, and she has never climaxed in her life) and it's a frustrating situation for me. I realize that there is nothing that she can do about the sex thing, but I talked to her about being a little more responsive a few days ago. She said she's been trying, and she'll try harder. But I don't know... What do you think?
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 She is indecisive and doesn't want to make any waves, so it seems...That could just be insecurity and inexperience. If you like her and think she's worth it - TALK TO HER about how you are feeling. Tell her that when you ask her what she wants for dinner to decide and not put it on you all the time. She needs to speak her mind, have her own opinions.
stillafool Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 If your attraction to her is fading away why don't you tell her it's not working out and move on. Don't waste anymore of her time.
Chinook Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 It's seeming that the honeymoon phase is drawing to a close in your relationship and all the nice high feelings are wearing off. That's normal. It's also not usually a reason to dump someone unless you guys are fundamentally incompatible. No one here at LS can tell you that. You have to decide what your deal breakers are and what you can and can't live with. In my opinion though, a relationship should be natural and easy - not necessarily harmonious but certainly, it shouldn't be 'hard' even when you have to work at it. I think you guys need to sit down and have a talk about where it's going. Also, she seems a little introverted and immature in comparison to you - maybe you need to think about that as a compatibility issue.
shadowplay Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 This girl actually sounds a lot like I used to be. It's not that she's boring. She's just shy and very insecure. She's not completely comfortable around you yet and so hasn't let her guard down. If you stay with her, I guarantee you that she will eventually open up. It just takes time. The fact that she's a talented artist shows that she has a lot more going on beneath the surface than you may realize. I wouldn't suggest sharing your feelings with her at this point because that will just make her more insecure. Just keep trying to get to know her better. Ask her more questions about herself. If you're patient enough she will eventually open up. If you can't wait, then break up but be easy on her about it. She sounds a bit fragile.
Turquoise Waters Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 I would agree with shadowplay, except for the sex thing. It's not the fact that she hasn't had an O, it sounds like sex doesn't even excite her or anything and the Original Poster is wondering "Ok, we don't even have good sex, along with everything else being boring and lackluster with this woman." I would seriously break up. You have dated and the purpose of dating is finding out if you are compatible and it sounds like you are completely not, and even if you are, it sounds like you're just not that into her.
monkey00 Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 It's very possible this girl is emotionally distant/unavailable. I'm surprised you lasted as long as 3 months, has she always been like this or only recently? If anything the answer might lean you in the right direction towards an answer.
shadowplay Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 I would agree with shadowplay, except for the sex thing. It's not the fact that she hasn't had an O, it sounds like sex doesn't even excite her or anything and the Original Poster is wondering "Ok, we don't even have good sex, along with everything else being boring and lackluster with this woman." I would seriously break up. You have dated and the purpose of dating is finding out if you are compatible and it sounds like you are completely not, and even if you are, it sounds like you're just not that into her. I'm actually the same. I'm 23, and I've never had an O. It's not that sex doesn't excite me. It does very much. The problem is my clit just doesn't seem to be very sensitive, or I haven't found the right way to stimulate it. Also, I get nervous during sex and that can make it harder to orgasm. I don't know this girl, but my guess based on what he's described is that she's just nervous, inexperienced and shy. He's not obligated to stick around, but I have a hunch if he does she'll eventually let her guard down. Whether it's worth it to him or not is his decision. OP, what you said about her drawing a blank when telling her own anecdotes is something I can really relate to. When I'm nervous or shy around somebody, I have a lot of trouble talking about myself. My mind goes blank because I feel on the spot. Usually when I don't know somebody well, I'll ask them a lot of questions but I don't talk much about myself. This completely changes when I get to know them better and feel more comfortable. I have a feeling she's the same. People are often surprised at how different I am when they crack through my shell. Funny thing is I'm also a pretty good artist. This could almost be written about me! Question: What originally attracted you about her? Was it all physical? How much do you have in common in terms of interests?
Author heatseeker411 Posted July 22, 2007 Author Posted July 22, 2007 I have talked to her about my feelings. I've even told her that I am attracted to women who are assertive. But so far, I haven't seen too many improvements...
Author heatseeker411 Posted July 22, 2007 Author Posted July 22, 2007 Thank you to everyone who has responded. I have talked to her about my feelings. I've even told her that I am attracted to women who are assertive. But so far, I haven't seen too many improvements... From a distance, she seems like a very frigid person. But she's warmed up to me. Just from my experience with prior relationships, I am fairly certain that she loves me. There are hints. And I do like her and care about her, but I am going to have to get to know her a lot better if I am every meet her there, but it has been difficult for the reasons I have already mentioned. I get the feeling that she doesn't feel like her stories and opinions are worth sharing with me. She tells me that she doesn't like being "put on the spot". I try to give her some positive reinforcement when she does share, which is not as often as I would like. Shadowplay, to answer your question... I think that we have many common interests (art, music, photography, etc.). She is a good-looking woman, but I was never terribly attracted to her until I saw her work, which blew me away. It was so personal that I felt like I knew her just by looking at it. When we started dating, I had envisioned working together on pieces, and growing together through it. But the one time that we did try to collaborate, it seemed too one-sided... she was just agreeing with everything I thought we should do. We haven't tried again since.
climbergirl Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 I'm glad you talked to her, but sometimes it boils down to incompatibility. It seems that although you were attracted to her physically (albeit when you saw her working), IRL she just isn't stimulating you mentally by not sharing with you what you share with her. I'm not sure where you should go from there!?! Good conversation is key if you want it to last for a long time. Sex, too, btw.
Recommended Posts