what are you learning from going n/c?

[tinke]

i thought i'd be interesting to share what we are learning from no contact. as the one who had been dumped, i had no choice in the matter but to surrender to the silence. after months of analyzing and going through the typical emotions of disbelief, i have gained some insightful discoveries. being pushed away from my ex had opened my eyes to HIS flaws, also..

which is something i would not have noticed otherwise.

i have learned my ex is very insecure and needs constant attention, reasurrance to keep him fueled. also, he lacks empathy and is quick to judge...not admirable traits. i have learned to look at him objectively outside of a "loving relationship", and honestly, he is mediocre at best.

i had noticed i was quick to justify and make excuses for his shortcomings, however, he was intolerable of mine, and quick to flee at the first sign of discomfort..not very admirable!

so in essence, n/c has helped me to look at him and our relationship in a different light...to step back, and see things with different eyes. love surely is blind! of course in this process we continue to learn about ourselves and able to define desires for future relationships.

never would i have believed i would have felt this way 4 mo. ago. i was in pure agony, denial, disbelief. but, the longer i was forced to stay in n/c, the more i was able to go through all the emotions, nurture myself, and see things from a different angle. he is not the ideal person i believed he was, and probably for the first time...i held HIM fully accountable for his actions...no excuses! he is a cheater...his flaw...again, not admirable!!!

[WhiteKnight]

To share a different opinion.

 

I had experienced No Contact in a more productive manner. Whenever one of my exes dump me, I just walk away and realise that sometimes some things won't ever work out between us. I have come to acceptance that the need of attention is something too 'clingy' also, the need of my presence is hard and difficult to maintain so I know I was unable to do so. Also having a distance relationship while doing University studies taught me a thing or two that you have to have a good trust relationship happening but if you are starting to lie and exagerrate it would cause the relationship to go into doubt and the trust in between both partners start to fall apart unless if it was amended quickly.

 

So after learning from this, I go No Contact with the ex and just walk away, never return and block the ex forever because I was treated in the manner that she did not want to ever know me anymore. So yeah, learnt the hard way but I had put up with it.

 

However the tables would be turned if I broke up with an ex, I would go No Contact as well. The only reason for a person to heal and move on quickly is to actually stop contacting that person or don't communicate anymore. Fair enough if was done the other way round if you were dumped by your ex, however, more or less you could find yourself in the position that if you go No Contact with an ex who abused the friendship and caused you too much pain. I would just go No Contact, leave the person for good and never come back no much how they try to communicate and reconcile with ya.

 

For people who still contact with their ex, either you initiated the conversation with them or they spoke with you is of course in material. Sometimes it works out, and other times its probably best not to stay in contact as often regardless you want to be friends with them. However of course emotions and other person issues would give ya heartache, headache etc. So if you got what it takes to save the friendship between your ex, go for it. But if you are unable to move on with life easily, No Contact is the way to go to heal quicker and forget the past.

[Chinook]

NC is brutal in the early days, but necessary to heal.

 

It shouldn't be used as a tool to get the ex back.

[tinke]

totally agree!! i did find that by finally coming to terms and stopping outreach for contact, i saw things in a different perspective. this wouldn't have happened if i continued to communicate.

at first, i took on more responsibilty than was realistic...stepping back, i was able to see his flaws too, rather than idolizing him.

it has certainly helped with accepting and continuing on. i am able to remind myself of these new findings in the dark times.

[Chinook]

I have an addition...

• NC is brutal in the early days, but necessary to heal.
  
• It shouldn't be used as a tool to get the ex back.
  
• Time and distance is showing me the reality of the situation.
  
• Time and distance is removing the illusions of love.
  
• NC is giving me a true understanding of the person he is (rather than the person he showed me to be, and who I thought he was).

I have a Japanese friend. He often says words of wisdom which I rarely remember. But one thing he said to me recently was this "we expect the human beings who share our lives to exceed our expectations and desires; the sad fact is, they rarely want to or can do so". He's right too.