My ENTIRE story

[WonderingInMo]

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I can still remember the sweet smell of the hair spray that she wore that night. The smell of herbs and fruit rushed up my nose like waves from the rough ocean hitting the coast. I remember how those blue grey eyes shimmered in the stars and the smile on her face when she looked into my eyes. The first time we met after one month of talking and getting to know eachother. Her red brown hair blew softly across her with the cool mid summer breeze. The anticipation as i took her hand and talked to her like i had known her for years. The way her head layed softly in my arms and fit like as if they were ment to be together. I didnt catch a minute of the movie that we met to watch on our first date. I was too busy admiring the goddess that for some reason had shown an interest in me. The meeting of the woman that i will never stop loving no matter what happened.

The warm night in July would be one of the few times that i would get to be with her that summer. When you are only fifteen and 20 miles might have well been 2000. We talked on the phone from what our favorite colors were to what we planned to do when we were grown. I will never forget that summer the night that i met the mother of my beautiful children. Even in a marriage full of dishonesty and fighting and feeling like i never want to see her again cannot erase the greatest days of my life.

Seems like the next time that i saw her was in mid August after i had started my freshman year in highschool. By the time we met again i had already professed my love to her of the internet of all places. As remember the next meeting we were sitting on the tail gate of a old ford bronco. I remeber talking and talking and looking into her eyes. Before i knew it i had leaned in and stolen a kiss while she was in the middle of telling me a story. My heart raced my palms were sweating and my stomach was turning. I had kissed a few girls before that but none of them gave me the feeling that i experienced that night. Seems like for the rest of the night all we did was kiss and only stopped to breath. After that night i knew that she was going to be the one thing that i could have forever if i didnt ruin it.

We had several meetings after that each one better than the last. Her phone had been shut off due to the fact of astronomical phone bills from all the long distance conversations. The only communication that we had was through email and accasional phone call from a friends house. But the most unforgetable night of my young life was yet to come.

Sweet november is how i have always classified it in my mind. A friend of hers who was a few years older had decided that for her 15th birthday she would take her to see me. She showed up at around seven o'clock and the sun had just set. I walked to the door and saw her in the moonlight. She was wearing short shorts and a green shirt that said "Lucky." As i looked at her i was thinking how fitting. Again just like every night before when i saw her those blue grey eyes stopped me in my tracks as i saw them shinning in the starlight. That red brown hair was once again blowing softly across her face. Her smell was different but even more unforgetable. Plain ol pear body spray was the new greatest smell in the world. That smell even today makes me go back to that night and i can remember almost every little thing that happened. She gave me a teddy bear that was covered in the body spray and it was a fixture on my pillow where i could smell it for about a year. I cant even explain how happy that smell makes me even today.

For about the next agonizing month i got to read emails from her a few times a week and rarely talked to her on the phone. Then came the night in early december when she came to my house to see me for a while her mom was passing through town. My parents were gone and we had the whole house to ourselves. We spent most of the night laying in my bed kissing in a room where the only light on was purple. I would just look into her eyes and think about how i wanted to share the rest of my life with her. I could have cried thinking about how happy the rest of my life was going to be. I just never thought i would reach the point that i am at now. I will get to now later still too much to tell.

There were fewer and fewer meetings in the next year and finally may came i was excited the summer was here and i knew that i would be able to see her so much more with nothing going on. Next came june the end of my world as far as i knew then. An unexpected early morning phone call great i thought its tara i was happy because she had just got her phone connected again. I was thinking great now i get to talk to her everyday again. The phone call was not what i thought i was waking to hear about. she was upset and told me that maybe we should take a break for a while. she told me that she still wanted to be with me for the rest of her life but now she just needed time. NOOOO i thought in my mind im almost 16 and i was going to spend every second with her in Lamar. I cried over her for weeks she was the only thing that had ever impacted me like that.

The next few months were kind of blurry my best friend had talked me into drinking alot and smoking weed. I passed through a few girls but none could make me feel like she did. I was drinking and smoking alot of pot and just living for the moment accasionaly thinking about her but it just hurt too bad to do so i tried to keep from it. I had kind of started relationships with two girls at once when i got the email that would turn my world upside down again.

It was tara again telling how much she missed me and what we used to have. i read that email a hundred times just thinking if i wanted to lay my heart on the line again. It wasnt too long after that i recieved a phone call from her and we talked just like we had before. I tried to just write it off and go about my life and just forget about her but that seemed impossible.

Next meeting that i remember was only a few weeks into november she had just gotten her drivers license and decided that she was coming to see me. i was at the park playing basketball when she pulled up. again i was struck with the way she looked and smelled. i tried my hardest to pretend like i wasnt interested and just talked to my then best friend. but as i looked at her i just couldnt help myself as i got into my car to drive away i called her over to my car. It sounded alot smoother in my head but all i was able to say is "hey you wanna hook up again?" Nice i know..... and of course she said yes and i leaned out of my car and kissed her. again fireworks in my entire body were going off. i drove away from the park that night the happiest i had ever been. We were together again and we could both drive nothing could stop us now or so i thought.

December came again and she decided that she was ready to take our relationship to the next level and give her virginity to me. Ofcourse the one night that i was unprepared no protection. I drove through the small town of lamar at a 100 miles an hour looking for a place that i could buy a condom and not be embaressed or seeing someone that knew our parents. And ofcourse i could not find one any where. About a week later i was ready and we made love for what seemed like forever. I was cool now i was no longer a virgin i thought to myself. in that time in the small town i lived in 16 was early and i was winning the race against all of the other guys i knew. even though i was bragging and acting tough i was just amazed that she would give me that gift and i charrished it for quite a while.

The next few years seemed like we were making love 3 times a day on a slow one. My parents were constantly getting onto us for locking my bedroom door but i didnt care i thought i had everything that i would ever need. Dates were planned soley on the plan of making love and we spent every waking hour together.

Life was great school was going of my basketball team had just won districts i was playing all the time only being a sophmore and i was spending all of my time with my lover. every night i was taking her home and speeding back just to fall asleep on the phone with her, and when i woke up i would immediatly get on the phone and begin talking to her as much as i could before i went to school. on some days i was even driving 40 miles just to take her to school.

Life was great all the way through highschool i spent everyday with the most beautiful girl in the world and when i say everyday i mean it not a day went by when i didnt see her for atleast 20 minutes. our relationship was turning though we began to have fights and say things that neither of us ment. i was still happy and so was she and thats all that mattered at the time. i just knew that i was going to spend everyday of my life with her and that would be it.

It was time for me to make my first mistake. September 11th had just happened and i was feeling like i needed to join the military and help my country. In december i joined against her will i thought that she would just get over it. i remember the night the recruiter came to my house she hid in my room crying all night but she tried to be supportive. I joined... i spent the first night away from her in about 2 years in kansas city to sign all of the paper work. i called her on the payphone and she just cried. i remember thinking to myself she will get over it and it will all work out in the end. this is a mistake i made that still haunts me today in everything i do.

I was back and i finished highschool. graduation night came on the same night for both of us and she wanted to spend time with her class mates so me and a buddy decided that we would just go get drunk and go to a strip joint. not an idea that bothered her that much but with strict rules "DONT GET A LAP DANCE!" Well with that in mind i went drunk and there were naked women all over the place. i bought my best friend a lap dance and he returned the favor.

The next day came and then i wasnt quite the expierenced lying weisel that i am now so i told her about it. at first it didnt seem to bother he she even gave me one after i told her what the stripper did. i thought good everything is ok well it wasnt. i had doomed myself for the first time. she cut me off and tried to cut me out of her life but my pathetic wining and bothering her prevailed and she took me back.

Mid june had come and we decided that we were old enough to move in together and to get married. that was one of the best times of my life spending the whole summer with her no parents to answer to doing what ever we wanted when we wanted. i have so many memories of those days i dont even have time to type them. August came and i turned 19 and 4 days later it was time to get married. i had propese with a platnum ring that she had helped me buy. one of the greatest days of my life was coming and i didnt even know it.

August 31 i stood at the end of an isle at a church packed with about 200 people just waiting to see the rest of my life walking to me. again my palms were sweaty my heart racing and my stomach turning as i saw one of the most beautiful sights of my life. she walked so elegantly in that long white dress keeping eye contact with me the whole time laughing smiling and crying all at the same time. she got to me and her father handed me her hand and gave me that look of i will kill you if you ever hurt her. i took her hand and everything seemed like it would be great for the rest of my life. i dont remember much of the ceremony because i was concentrating on her angelic face. she cried and i fought back the tears myself as one of her friends sang "In the morning when you wake up and the sun does not appear i will be there." my heart turned and i felt myself change. the rest of the night was great family friends and drinking.

The next day we left for our honeymoon in Eureka Spring AR. small but it was all that we could afford at the time. we could have went anywhere in the world and still had the same great time. we spent 2 nights there just telling eachother how much we loved the other and making love. i cant even explain how happy i was that weekend i never wanted it to end. it had to ofcourse she had school and i had work so we had to go back.

We returned and a few months later it was time for me to fullfill that damn contract with the army national guard. I left in early october no knowing what this was eventually going to do with my life. I spent my first few weeks in reception where i begged pathetically to go home because i just couldnt handle being away from the love of my life. I had a few pictures that i looked at every chance i got. i thought about her in everything i did i did my best and finished pretty great. I wasnt hardly able to ever talk to her on the phone and was never allowed to see her until i had graduated. i recieved mail from her everyday and she will never know how much that ment to me that she would take the time to tell me every little detail about home. if i dont ever thank her for anything she did for me i want to tell her how much that ment to me. i left there with a better understanding of life and thinking that i was a man now i had finished my rights of passage to manhood and i was very proud of myself.

December had come and it was time for me to go home for two weeks to see my family before i left for virginia. this was the first time i recognized how different i was now. i thought that the woman that had treated me so well was cheating on me. i was sure of this and i told her. it cut her so deep she still is mad at me about this. i dont know why i did it but i did. if we werent making love i was doing my best to make her feel like ****. i loved her then more than ever and i dont know why i did that.

January came and it was time to go to virginia to finish my schooling for the military. i had a plan this time i knew i would get weekends off and i had tara move up there and stay with some family so that i could see her. every weekend she drove 2 and a half hours just to see me for a 2 days. she left school and was doing it online working and living with people that she didnt know just so i could see her. that is another thing that i never thanked her for but ment so much to me. but still again i accused her of cheating on me and being a terrible wife.

Five months later i was done training and it was time for me to leave virginia and go home until i was called up. during this time the campaign had started in iraq and everyone i knew in the military was on their over or training to go. i knew that i was going somewhere some time.

I got home and our life had gotten rockey for the first time. she was hurt and i didnt know why and i kept up with my attitude that she was being unfaithful.. just when i had pushed her to the edge and we thought it was over she told me that she was late...... we went to wal-mart and guess what she was pregnant. that i couldnt think of anything but how my life was going to change and now that i was a man i had to step up. i did good until november came.

6:30 on november 10 i was woken by a phone call.... Pfc Webb this is an operation Iraqi freedom message you are being called up they said. tara just laid there and cried and i was in shock i knew it was coming but i was not ready for it. i was told to report to my unit. when i got there they said i had orders to leave on november 15 to become a military police officer. my life was over i thought i have to leave my pregnant wife and go do the god damn military ****. five days notice i thought they had been planning this for months they could have given me more notice that five days.

No matter how stupid i thought it was i had to leave. now i am still bitter about this whole situation but he i signed up for it i thought. i met 3 of my now best friends that i would die for there and it helped me to pay off some bills before my baby was born. but still i had to leave my wife alone to fend for herself. this was a huge turning point in my life. i finished mp school in december and sat waiting till late january to find out where i was going. it was ft. bragg north carolina not iraq this was good news i thought. i thought to myself that i would be back next november with a little prayer everything at home will be ok..... boy was i wrong.

my poor wife was alone and had to move back in with her parents to help her along. this is a story not told by the news or hardly anyone the tolls the military takes on a family though im not passing the blame to anyone else. i became a total ****. i talked to my wife daily and she was allowed to visit me some. i began to drink and thats all i did. i woke up hungover on my days off and got drunk again. i had no relationship with my wife at all we just ran through the motions i talked to her and told her i loved her and that i missed her but thats all i did. i wasnt quite the man that i thought i was. i was a boy in a mans life acting like a child. i was terrible to my wife and god knows she had enough trouble being pregnant and going to school.

May 13 2004 came and it was time i had gotten two weeks leave to see my baby born my new heart. Tara had set a date to be induced so that i could be there to see it. i didnt know what to think when we got to the hospital to tell you the truth i was kind of numb and didnt know if i cared. i am ashamed of that now but then i didnt know what to think. 7 hrs later something i cant explain came into my life. she came out and i cried tara was worn out and i held her she was so tiny a new born but she was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. i held her and my heart melted even to this day when i look at her i cant help but think of what i would do for her. my best friend put it best she looks at you and you pull out your wallet car keys and what ever else you can get your hands on and give it to her she is that beautful.

i spent the next 2 weeks doing the best i knew how i was doing good i thought i was taking care of tara who was recovering and playing with one of the 3 loves of my life. i didnt want those 2 weeks to end i but like time with family goes when your in the military it was a snap of the fingers and it was gone. i had to go back but i thought that i had changed. but ofcourse i hadnt i went back to my old ways of drinking and treating my wife like ****.

June 20th 2004 i woke to the pounding on my door early and i was hung over as ever. i looked out my peep hole and saw a friend of mine standing there. i opened the door and just as i was about to hit him there was my beautiful wife holding my one month old daughter. it was fathers day and she had flown 1500 miles without telling me that she was coming to suprise me. Once again another thing that she did for me that i could never tell her how much i needed that. she had stopped everything just to help me. i was shocked and thought that i would change my life once again.

Tara left a few weeks later and i was back to my old ways. the only thing i didnt do while i was away was cheat on her. i was terrible i treated her bad and did what ever i wanted. november came and they told us that we would be staying longer. i was once again in shock i thought that my daughter would be 10 by the time i got home and at this time i was sure that my wife was being unfaithful. in my mind i didnt care i knew she was cheating on me she was probably living with some other guy and i didnt know.

I became even worse over the next few months thinking what ever my crazy mind would let me. i was starting to be even meaner when i was drunk especially to tara. i had become an alcoholic at the age of 21. finally in april it was time to go home. i thought everything was going to be great me and tara and our baby would live together and be happy forever. boy was i wrong.

When i came home everything was different it was time to grow up my baby was almost 1 and i had missed alot of her life. i had a ready made family when i came home and i thought it would be great. i didnt think that how terrible i treated my wife would take its toll. i got home and she was mad. and i payed not as much as i desrved though she was nicer than i would have been.

June came and i was working with my dad in a factory riding with him to work everyday. we had nothing but i was talking about wanting another child and tara i think kind of had it on her mind too. and before i knew it she was pregnant again. i thought life was great even though it wasnt she was unhappy with the way our life was going. i was still acting like a child and doing whatever i wanted. i was drinking alot even though she wanted me to stop i did it anyways. i was disappointed in how my life was turning out it was nothing like i planned. i did not realize that i had the american dream a beautiful wife and daughter and another one on the way.

The drinking and the verbal abuse continued and i came home from the bar with my brother and she started in on me. there are very few important things in my life that i dont remember but this is one of those. she was yelling i thought i was right and couldnt take it anymore.

Well october came and we were at a convention for her job and everyone decided that they needed to go to the bar. we went and i got drunk again. at about 11:30 i got a phone call this is a raging bull message you are being activated to go to new orleans. tara cried again and i just thought oh great the military is ruining my life again. i found out it was only for 30 days this time so that gave me some piece of mind. So i left for new orleans the next day..... again i found my way to the bar and got drunk quite a bit. and again i treated my wife like ****. i did what i wanted and took advantage of a forgiving wife saying and doing what i pleased.

I came home just in time for her birthday which i forgot and i think this is the first time im admitting it. i dont really have anything more important to say about the next few months except that it was miserable. finally in march my son was born. again even after the first one i didnt know what i was in for. he took my heart again and i all i thought about was the man i was and how i was going to take care of them. but in reality i wasnt taking care of anyone but myself. i spent most of the time drinking and complaining about the lack of sex and how she was not taking care of me.

Since i had gotten back from NC i had dreamed of becoming a police officer but was unable to find a job doing it until june. But once again i had to leave for the military until august. i kissed my beautiful family good bye and went on to do the military thing. i spent the next month getting drunk and lieing to my wife about what i was doing. finally i was back in august. I knew that i was going to start my new job and was very happy about where my life was going. tara and i went to a friend of hers from school and i drank way too much.

I had finally realized what i had been doing to my life over the last few years when she told me that she wanted to leave me. I spent the next few weeks thinking that i would be better off with out her and i did what i wanted. man was i wrong i was doing what i dreamed of for the last few years and i was miserable. I made a promise that i knew i couldnt keep to get her to stay with me i told her that i would quit drinking. i told her that i wouldnt do it anymore and that i was a man and i would stand up to what i had done. i wasnt ready to i kept the promise for about 3 months until alcohol showed me its ugly face again and i did it again. i was doing better i thought i still dont really know. i was really trying to be the best man i could and i still feel that i grew up some.

Well ofcourse like they always do my lies caught up with me i was drinking again and tara knew it. i am not proud of it but i could not get it out of my life. tara is really really unhappy with everything by this point but for some reason she is still putting up with it. although i knew i could keep my promise of never laying a hand on her again i was having a problem with the drinking. i had lost a good friend at that point for hitting her and i was unhappy. i was caught drinkin so many times that i cant count but for some reason she didnt leave me.

Time passed with me being a ****head and getting away with everything that i did until she almost seemed alright with me drinking again. i was doing it every chance that i got when she wasnt home and when i was away doing my national guard drills. finally june 07 came annual training came. i decided that i would stay up ther a few times to save gas. by this time things are going ok we are doing good with money i had just gotten promoted at work and she was really enjoying her work and i thought everything was going to be alright. i was finally stepping up to my responsibilities with everything but the drinking.....

Anyways back to june i got drunk and decided that i needed to go home. it was 3 o'clock by the time i got him and i was wasted. i tried to lie but there was no chance. tara knew and i was in trouble she was tired of the lies. as she reached in my pocket to pull out my recipts for the night a condom came out. now im still a little fuzzy on how that got in my pocket i know i was not going to cheat on her. that is a line that i would never cross. well needless to say that was the end of the line for us. we faught and i thought it was over a few weeks later. i was really trying to be the man that i need and wanted to be by this point i just for some reason cannot stop drinking.

Finally after all of this she wants to leave me she tells me. i thought that i had talked her out of it but boy was i wrong. i will never really know why i did what i did and i know that i definatly always be ashamed of the way that i have driven this marriage into the ground.

I just sit and want to cry as i look at her applying for jobs and looking for a new place to live with my kids and not me. my heart is broken and i am trying to get her to stay but why would she? for something that has been dead for some time? i know that deep down she really does love me but she cant put up with it anymore. i dont know what it will take for me to grow up or if i ever will i just know that i feel the effects of what im did all this time now. She told me tonight that its over and for the first time i really believe it and no matter how bad it hurts im willing to lie in the bed i made. no one will really understand why our relationship has become what it is now. that little girl that i loved so much is now going to leave me and take my kids and its my fault. i dont know how to get back to where we were before and if its even possible but who doesnt believe in miralces?

I want my life to change so bad i want to be the man that she deserves but can i? will she help me or will i always be the man that ruined his american dream by drinking? i will have been married five years in august and with her for 9 as of may and its all gone now.

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[WithOrWithoutYou]

From what you posted, you are probably an alcoholic, and from your comment about never "laying a hand" on her again, you are probably a domestic batterer as well (perhaps only when you are drinking).

 

If you are serious, try to get some help. Alcoholics Anonymous can be a great resource, and I have seen it work for some people who are motivated enough. You may also look into a domestic violence batterers intervention program in your area. There are reasons why people do the things they do, and if you can follow through with trying to understand why it is you do the things you do, it may be possible to change (it is very difficult, however).

 

It may or may not be too late for your marriage, but unless you make a real commitment to change (the drinking and the DV), I think you owe it to her to let her go. If you truly want to work on it, and seek professional help for both issues, it will be up to her whether to give you another chance.

[WonderingInMo]

Im not real sure where i put something about putting my hands on her but i didnt mean to i never have. i am very avidly against that she always thought that i would but i never did