regreting my marriage

[bouncingheart]

im 25, married at 19. We have different cultures. Different personalities. Different educations. Everything is waaay different. He thought I would change after getting married. We lived together for 2 yrs before getting married. He wanted me to change by cooking and cleaning more.

 

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not lazy. But I've struggled with depression for a long time. Tho it wasn't bad, just took my energy. I don't keep my place nasty, just cluttered. I did cook, but not every day. Basically he wanted me to be his maid, not his wife. He always complained.

 

There is a certain embarrassing thing he does that I've talked to him about over and over.. and he feels the same way as me if I'd done it instead of him, but he doesn't even think about my feelings..

 

Now we have a child.. And instead of being her father.. he acts like mine. I'm He's a bit controlling and emotionally abusive. Now.. My situation isn't as bad as others I've seen. He's never called me fat or B. I'm not overweight.. rather.. he'd like it if my butt got bigger. anyways.. he calls me bad housewife.. not housekeeper.. housewife.. and a bad mother for wanting tattoos. He hates tattoos and all that punky stuff.. and I'm fashionably like that. I'm artistic and libral, hes conservative and uptight.

 

he doesn't pay much attention to our daughter.. and he blames me. It's not my fault that he didnt' try to bond with her. He barely held her since she was an infant. She s a big time mommies girl now.

 

I'm not sure if it was love.. or security. I was homeless soon after we met. I was 17. He was in college and had his head on straight. I thought I loved him. For the first couple years atleast. Then I had to beg for sex. He had a small affair that I caught before our first year was up. Been good since we moved. He blamed me for it saying he was stressed from working and school full time and comming home to a not ready meal when I didn't know his schedule and yadda.

 

I have ADD so I forget things. I only eat when hungry, so I only cook when hungry unless theres leftovers. Also explain clutter.

 

I know somethings wrong cus I'm even more depressed. I dont want him touching or kissing me. I can't even tell him I love him or say it back. I like lots of physical attention and he is emotionless and lazy affection.

 

He says we'd have a better sex life had I dance for him. I don't want to.. I'm very shy and I don't like my body. He was never romantic which is ok. We both resent eachother for several reasons.

 

I know I'd be happier w/o him. But I feel guilty and selfish for not wanting to try anymore. I've talked to him for 7 yrs and he hasn't changed untill he saw me making the steps to leave. After I've lost it all for him. And I'm not sure how long he would stay changed as he always falls back. We are in marriage counseling, and it's only helping him. I have been seeing an indiv counselor weekly for a year. I've become stronger. I've wanted out for a long time but kept 2nd guessing.

 

I guess what makes it hard is knowing that he loves me.. ( or he thinks he does) that we've been together almost 8 yrs and have small child.

 

OH and I had to beg him to let me tell my parents we were getting married. # a courthouse. And his parents didn't know for 2 yrs. For his parents, he was scared of what they would say. They are very strict and religeous. I have no religeon. I'm a free bird.. that feels trapped in cage. He doesn't raise his voice. But his words hurt.

 

I come from a very abusive background childhod. He comes from strict just plain there childhood. Was tought to not have emotions. I keep saying.. I'm doing the right thing for me once.. Why can't I stop thinking about hurting him, even tho he says.. I think you're making a mistake, but if you feel you need to sep then do it.

 

I feel like I'm going crazy and losing my friends. My family lives far away and I hardly have support.

 

thanks 4 reading if you gotthis far.

[quankanne]

oh honey, this sounds like the perfect conditions for abuse … you're cut off from people who can help you emotionally; he blames you for his affair; he verbally castigates you for not being what he expects you to be; he uses guilt to keep you oppressed instead of helping you to heal so that you can function more happily …

 

there are no degrees of "bad" when it comes to being in an abusive relationship. Pretty much it's be a black and white thing. Either you are or you aren't. And it sounds like you truly are. And I think you realize this deep down, though you're trying to do the honorable thing and stick it out in hopes that things will get better.

 

are you in a position to get to a women's shelter so you can heal emotionally and keep your daughter safely by your side? Because you need to make tracks as soon as you can, the situation doesn't sound like it's going to improve unless he does some heavy-duty changing with the intention of upholding those changes.

[bouncingheart]

He seems to be making an effort.. well.. as far as complimenting goes.. but if we argue about something I still feel like a child. I've lasted this long I don't think I need a shelter.. But I am trying to get a job so I can get out..

 

about being far away.. he said he just wanted to get out of our state and had a job offer. So I say I want to move back and he says it's too much of a hassle.. that he would have to re-exam for his state pharm licence. And we'd have to sell the house yadda yadda.. But I'm more than welcome to go there for a couple weeks if I want to.. So I'm not sure if he's keeping me from them. He also lets me pay for tickets for them to come here too.

 

yeah.. I keep thinking things will get better. But I know deep down they won't. For one.. I've been feeling bad for a long time. And he always shows signs of falling back. When I had a bunny, he threatned to take it to the pound if I got another tattoo.. My counselor told him that wasn't right.. so we've moved past that. but he still refuses to let me get them.. He changes his exuses for things all the time. I did come home with one w\o telling him first. He did get mad. But got over it. He has thrown this stuff in my face before. It's not about money.

 

That's one thing too.. it's ok for him to send hundreds or a thousand to friends and family.. but complains if I spend something higher than 100 somewhere. He says.. but they will pay me back( most likey not) and " but they paid for me to go to school.. I have to help them" he sends money home sometimes because his country is poor. His family seems demanding of it.. not just asking. I feel they try to control me by email too. I've been controlled my whole life. I don't want it anymore.

 

I'm so glad someones replied.. Some places are soo slow. I'm really impatient right now. My friends are annoyed.

[Sweet Chestnut]

LEAVE.

 

Dont wait a minut longer, just leave.

You have waited far too long, shold have divorced after the first year.

Do not wait any longer, just leave.

Your life is in front of you, you wil be happy else where with soemone else. He is keeping you in your depression.

This is not a life, this is a jail also for your soul, you have to leave before your soul die.

Take your child and leave.

File for divorce do not stay with him.

You get nothing from this union, only negative feelings and it is wrong.

It will also be best for your little child that you leave that man.

He is like a stranger to you treating you like a thing, not a human being with feelings, and growing, and needing emotional support, comprehension, openess.

It is going nowhere. You tried, and so much counselling so early in a marriage and when so young proves to me that there is no hope.

Things will never be as you want it to, because you get both married for the very wrong reasons.

It was a save port you were after, age 17, no where to go, was good for him, but now you have to leave. You have given him enough of you, and he has taken enough from you.

Let him found his life free supply housekeeper, and go found a free bird like yourself, who will shower you with love and affection, and who will be there for you and not for the meal.

Dont stay there baby, its going to kill you.

Have no regrets, dont think of him, think of you now, its about time for you to do so.

Now its your turn to be happy, and to be free.

At last.

 

Good luck to you, and be strong in your decision, dont let anything keep you from doing what is the best for you, and... her.

[quankanne]

let me rephrase it differently: He may try all he wants, but he's still got abusive and controlling characteristics, and you're never going to break out of this cycle if you keep talking yourself out of leaving. There a good possibility that I'm reading this wrong and he's a decent guy, but the signs just arent good.

 

a shelter will put you in a safe, supportive environment until you can get on your feet emotionally and (if need be) financially. I know you're prolly telling yourself, "it's not as bad as it could be, he does try, etc" when in reality the only thing you're doing for sure is showing your little girl that it's all right to be in a relationship where someone controls you, or one where there isn't the mutual respect to create a healthy atmosphere.

 

it's hard to say "I'm leaving" when you want to give someone the benefit of the doubt and credit for good behavior, but sometimes, you already know what you must do for your mental and physical well-being even though you don't want to rock the boat or even hurt the person who is controlling or abusing you. It all boils down to self-respect and mutal respect in your relationship. And it doesn't sound like he's equipped to give you that.

 

just my two cents ...

[IpAncA]

Have you considered maybe going and talking to someone about this? Or maybe the both of you talking to someone?

[bouncingheart]

thanks guys!!! I needed that.. I've read that book Too Good To Leave Too Bad To Stay... and it too said leave..

 

I've always wanted to post her for a month or so since I found it.. I'm glad I registered.

 

I know I'm not going to listen to my mom.. but she says I should stay and work on it cus he makes good money.. but money isn't what makes you happy.. I know I am leaving.. My mom.. took her 14 yrs to leave my alcoholic step dad.. tho it took a day for her to leave my bio dad when he physically abused me as an infant. He admitted it to her. I don't want to be in her footsteps.. She's finally happy now.. after her one year with her best guy friend.. and the guy before him.. he was verbally abusive as well. took her 10 yrs..

 

But when she left my step dad.. she left all 4 of us kids with him.. It makes me really sad. Having my own child.. I don't know how she could do that.

 

<3

[bouncingheart]

Have you considered maybe going and talking to someone about this? Or maybe the both of you talking to someone?

I've been in indiv counseling for a year.. weekly.. And we've been to 3 marriage counseling sessions.. After 7 yrs of me talking to him.. it wasn't untill I started making steps to leave that he started reading books and making an effort.. But I'm already lost.. so if anything.. A break is much needed.

[Sweet Chestnut]

Bouncing heart, just go!

dont stay in that ****, just leave.

Gee, he is not at all like you nor for you, he will never accept you and you will never agree with him. He lack the exact things that you need the most. So leave.

When he isnt there for you, dont show love, nor affection, isnt emotional, nor romantic, do not want sex, criticise you, make you live far from friends and family, control oyu, got a family afar trying to control you too, and dont even let oyu spend money as you like, and you have to get a rector authorisation to make a tatoo, then my God, waht are you doing there with him?

I think that you got so controled by him over the years, that without realising it he has been taking over your will to leave. Youa re waiting to be set free.. better set yourself free now, cause no army is going to come to rescue you.

Cant you stay at a friends home until you get a job, like getting a job in the area /state where you were originally and wish to come back to?

Look for job there and arrange to elave, inform yourself about the law as moving away when married, with a kid, and for filing for divorce.

Dont worry, things wil be fine.

Go away for 2 weeks, seeing friends with your kid, and use the trip to arrange your total departure.

Plan it in advance.

Inform your friends of it, create a network of people who will help you and support you when doing so.

You can do it now, or next weekend.

Just go for 2 weeks, and in those 2 weeks away found a job there, good excuse to move too, and file for divorce while you are away.

Have someone family or friend escorting you back, and pack oyur things and go for good.

In 3 weeks from now you will be completely free.

Have courage, and see how simple it can be.

[IpAncA]

Is he making an effort? Are you seeing changes or are you just fed up and don't care no more?

 

So I guess this comes down to what do you want to come of this?

[bouncingheart]

I would like to stay near for him to see dd. I would like to move home. But I don't want to be for kidnapping.. I'll have to research more for that. I know that you have to stay in the same state that I've heard.. or something when you have kids. I don't have much for friends here. Nor do I have friends I could stay with "home" I'm doing the best I can for right now. Hopefully I will get a job reply soon.

[Sweet Chestnut]

You have a heavy past baby, you do not need any more.. please do the rigth thing and leave right away.

You got to work out this emotional baggage you haev already with you from childwood, you met that guy you were stil a kid, leave please leave him.

Be on your own with oyu kid, learn to never be controled again, nor threatend, nor feeling unsure in your own home.

Learn to be happy with yourself deciding about everything for yourself, Rebuild yourself inside, and after you will found the person who will love you and in which oyu will found the things that you are looking for.

You certianly dont need another luggage froma n abusive person, og he doesnt drink nor abuse kids, but he is abusive anyway.

Get rid of it. You needed that step, you had it, now move on.

You di absolutly all you could and more, and oyu have no reason to feel bad for leaving him. You dont like him you dont like it you feel bad since years, life is not about feeling bad in order to please others! Life is about being happy, being loved, love back and being happy.

So found real love and be hapy, but first refound yourself, rebuild yourself, recenter, be with you and your child, happy, for a while.

You need that a lot.

 

I really wish you the best boucing heart, you need rewards, you deserve the best in life, and you will get it.

XXX

[bouncingheart]

Have you considered maybe going and talking to someone about this? Or maybe the both of you talking to someone?

 

Is he making an effort? Are you seeing changes or are you just fed up and don't care no more?

 

So I guess this comes down to what do you want to come of this?

he's making a small effort.. he was trying to be more affectionate.. but that lasted a couple days.. I don't want it anyways anymore.. He's complimented me on some things.. I think we will always butt heads on things..

I am fed up.. I'm tired of trying. I've told him things over and over.. but he said it himself he's lazy at it. So I'm not sure if he will forever change. It's in his blood. His father is strict too. Unloving.

 

We're not good for eachother. I think in the beginning I was fancing the idea that he was from another country.. and he treated me decent back then. My mom warned me about culture difference. But I didn't listen to her because we were fine then.

[Sweet Chestnut]

If you have a job in another state then you have the right to move.

Also go seing friends in another state for 2 weeks isnt kidnapping, so use that to prepare it. And jsut file for divorce, you have talk about it with him already and he doesnt seems to be agianst it so just do it.

The counsler must know all those details.

It is things you can be informed about in a very short time, and as he has no emotional bond to the child you will get all rights.

have friends helping you get a job in that other state.

They can help you with the practical side of it.

[bouncingheart]

I know.. I've already made the first couple steps.. acknowledging of it.. And finding a job.. I'm on the right track.. Sometimes I just need to hear that I'm doing the right thing. Some times I feel like I didn't try hard enough. But I know .. it's not me. I've done the best I could.

[IpAncA]

Sounds like your fed up and want out. Doesn't sound like he's going to change so you can either stay and work on it over and over or leave.

 

Do you think you'd be happier on your own? Are you able to be on your own financially?

[bouncingheart]

which is why I'm trying to find a job. Child support is very helpfull for paying daycare..

 

I've read one site so far.. and it says I have to have judges permission to relocate.. most likelywill agree because I'm trying to better our lives.. Will have family around when I most need it.

 

I do think I would be happier on my own. I already feel alone, and I already feel like a single parent. I just stay at home with dd.

[bouncingheart]

"

It is difficult to co-parent when separated by long distances. However, there are a number of ways that an absent parent can stay in contact:

• What if the wealthier parent can afford to send the child plane tickets to visit?
  
• Are e-mail exchanges a substitute for actual face-to-face visits?
  
• Is it sufficient for a non-custodial parent to view a video image of his or her child streamed over the Internet every night if he or she can't be there in person?"

 

this would be cool.. video conferencing every night

[IpAncA]

Try talking to a lawyer and seeing what he/she can come up with.

[bouncingheart]

my counselor already gave me a number yesturday.. to a lady in her building.

[IpAncA]

Oh well there you go. .

[bouncingheart]

do you think.. that once I get mentally healthy down home for a while and he hasn't moved closer to her.. I should move back closer to him for him and dd?

[Sweet Chestnut]

Better that you ask directly a professional for details like those marriage counslor, they must know about ht erules, but i ma sure that you cna leave else where, any way he doesnt care about the kid so it doenst matter. It dont looks like he will give you problem with that, he wil justtry to found a better house keeper thats all. And honnestly one that needs to force himself to give compliments and be warm to you id not one oyu want to live together with!

Get help from a social couslor, and get al info rights, file for divorce as soon as possible, and get help from a social network as oyur friends back htere.

i think you should go there for 2 weeks with your kid, and talk this over with them, I am sure that in those 2 weeks they will be able to get all the infos you need, and to found out all you need to know to can move on savely and file for divorce.

It is the simpliest way to do so.

Cant you go see your friends for the next 2 weeks? thats sommer, you go visit them, and while with them found out about all those things.

Why not?

[bouncingheart]

I'm looking into it.. Thanks for you're guys' support and info!!

[Sweet Chestnut]

do you think.. that once I get mentally healthy down home for a while and he hasn't moved closer to her.. I should move back closer to him for him and dd?

 

what do you mean by that?

 

of course not!

 

anyway since he dont give a damn about her i dont think he is going to even try to see her, so you cna forget the problem about different states and visits.

He wont care enough to make visit, and you wil be free for the trouble.

You dont sound very sure. go to see that lawyer, and talk things over with him/her, and see from there.

Still i think that your friends, and a trip with them will be best.

Can you see those friends and stay with them for a week or 2 or not?