simba Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Hi,[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I have been reading lots of posted threads and I want to thank all of you who made me realise I’m not alone in my nightmare. However, even though I share it with many, my nightmare is real and is threatening to seriously s**** up my life and a few others’.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]The story is: I love two men. And I can’t decide. I’ve been trying for a few months and I can’t let go of either of them. They are two different people, and my feelings for each are different. And as I do realise that perhaps it is possible to love more people at the same time, it is impossible to live with more than one, unless it’s a mutual agreement, and in my case it is out of the question.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]No.1 is my husband. We were together for almost 8 years, married for 4. We have no kids together, he has two from his previous marriage. The beginning was passionate, romantic, and there was this deep emotional bond between us. We could not live without each other, we missed each other like crazy. We were both involved with other people at the time, but after many long months we finally got together. When we moved in together, life stopped being so passionate and emotional, and became rather chaotic and stressful. I moved to my husband’s town to be with him, and left my job, my family, friends and all my life behind. That was hard for me in many respects (loneliness, moving all the time, no job for a while, no money, having to cope with his ex and kids), but a promise of a happy future with my loved one kept me going. After a while I got a job (not brilliant, but hey), we got married, and a year later we bought a house together. Life seemed full of promise. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]But little by little, I started doubting my decision. We were overspending, overeating, and a most of our life became a routine of work, shopping, eating and sleeping. I felt like we were going nowhere. Little quality time together. Few common interests, little communication, little socialising, little fun. More isolation, more boredom, more routine. More debt. I somehow couldn’t see a way out, I felt trapped, sick and old. I stopped believing in us, in having a good life together. My disappointment grew. I felt like this was not the man I fell in love with. I felt like I was just giving and not getting anything in return. I felt like I was carrying all the weight of our life together on my shoulders, and he seemed so indifferent and distant. In his own world of guilt, because he wasn’t with his children. Trying to please everybody else but us. I tried to talk to him, but he just wouldn’t open up. Most of the time he just didn’t see that there was a problem. I hate conflicts and fights, and I’m not one to scream and shout and go mad. I just wanted to talk like a normal person. But he never took it seriously. All I wanted was: to have a plan for our life together, and him to talk to me and show me he loved me. Is it really too much to ask of anyone?[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Of course there were good times. Some nice holidays, nice walks, nice dinners. Yes, life could be good sometimes. But I always felt like I was asking too much if I wanted to be kissed, or if I wanted him to hold my hand and be affectionate (without it ending up in bed). Even watch a film together. Talk to me. Tell me he loved me. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]He is a good man. Gentle, easy-going, loyal, passionate, supportive, generous, kind. Good chef. At times too soft and self-indulgent. At times too shy, too sensitive. At times too indecisive, too passive, too unambitious. At times depressed, apathetic, self-defeating. Racked with guilt over his kids. Every day. Me – sociable, curious, fun-loving. Ambitious, a bit of a perfectionist. Hugely emotional and sensitive. Insecure, but acting tough. Not at all brave, rather impatient and pessimistic sometimes. Scared to death of making mistakes. People-pleaser, very giving. But also expecting a lot from myself and others. Eager to make a difference in the world. Huge appetite for love. What a combination![/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I felt so unhappy and hopeless that I gave myself the permission to… well you can guess… have an affair. It was wrong, but I did it. The only problem is, the affair turned into a lot more.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]No. 2 started of as my affair, now my BF. We work together, and have always liked each other, but as no more than friends. Until the day I decided I wanted more out of life than I’d had. I saw the promise of happiness within my reach and I reached for it.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I allowed myself to fall in love. I felt like a teenager. I was in a state of blissful excitement for the first few weeks, ten feet above the ground. I walked out of my marital home and moved in with my BF. It was supposed to be temporary, and I was supposed to find my own place and just go out with him as BF and GF. But he said it was wonderful when I was around and I was welcome to stay as long as I wanted. And I liked it there, so I stayed.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]We get on so well. We do everything together. He helps me in the kitchen, does most of the housework. He gives me lifts whenever and wherever I have to go. He takes me out to restaurants, long walks, holidays. We talk a lot. We communicate easily, he always insists on truth and honesty. We like similar things, not all but, quite a few. He is clear about his feelings and plans with me.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]He is the kindest, most loving, most caring person I have ever met. Cute, sweet, sexy, funny, romantic, generous. Very clever, practical and organised. Good with money. Considerate, polite, patient. He would do anything for me. He does everything for me. He says he loves me all the time, holds my hand, showers me with affection. He fills the house with flowers, he even watches films he doesn’t like because of me. He is great in bed. He is devoted and attentive. I can’t find a fault in him. He wants to marry me and have babies with me. He feels I’m the best partner he’s ever had and that we are perfect for each other. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Ok, I know it’s early days, things could change… and I shouldn’t compare what I had for 8 years with 8 months. And still, how can I not compare?[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So why do I feel this sickness in my stomach when I think of my husband? Why do I miss him? Why do I feel like I need to talk to him, see him, touch him? Why do I still have this funny feeling of being in love when I see him? Why do I still want him to love me? Why am I thinking of the good times we had? Why can’t I just let go and move on? Why do I think I haven’t done enough to prevent the collapse of our marriage? Why do I think I was wrong for having left, not given him another chance? Why is all this haunting me? Why do I have this feeling that we belong together despite everything? That I should go back and try to make it work? Like he begged me to?[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]He begged me to come back when I left. Cried and begged and waited and asked and tried and tried. I kept saying no, I’m happy now, leave me alone. But I’m not happy. Perhaps I would be if I had never known him, if he had never existed. I would now be happy with my BF, enjoying all the good things life has to offer. But I’m not, because I still think of my husband. Remembering how things used to be in the early days. How things got worse. How they ended. I feel so sick inside, there is this pain in my stomach and my chest that never goes away. I cry a lot. I was even prescribed anti-depressants. I thought this feeling would go away with time. It never does, even though I try not to think. I try to forget. But it’s always there. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Why do I still love my husband? Can anyone help me understand this? Can anyone help me decide what to do? My husband still wants me back, after all this time. Despite everything. Should I go back to him and try again? Or is it a hopeless enterprise? Should I just forget him and move on with my life? Enjoy the love I have with my BF?[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] I know it needs to be my decision, and I will have to live with it, but I just can’t see a way out. And at the moment, I don’t feel alive. I’m stuck and terrified. I know I have to choose, and I know that whatever I choose, I will lose something valuable. But I can’t decide. [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]What would you do in my shoes? How do I know who I really love, who I should be with? How does one know for sure? Please help! [/FONT][FONT=Wingdings][FONT=Wingdings]L[/FONT][/FONT][/sIZE]
Author simba Posted July 23, 2007 Author Posted July 23, 2007 Does going back every work if it wasn't perfect to start with? Why do I still love my husband, if I left him for another? Why can't I give my heart to the new man in my life who is so much better for me in many respects? Why is my heart still stuck and dreaming the same old dreams of happiness with my husband? What is love? Has anyone been in a similar situation? What do I do?
jusified Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Love is a choice, at the moment you don't love any of them. You just like, reminiscent and desire them both, thats not the same as love. When you love someone you choice to support and be by their side. Specially through the rough times. If you can do that then you can't truely love someone, I guess you can only like/desire a person when things are good. Of cause, if the ex husband was bad in your life, you need to work things out for yourself and realise what to do. Again, you can;t chose who you like but you chose who you love, you have a choice to love the new man with all your heart and not be open to opportunities to reminiscent about ex.
Author simba Posted July 27, 2007 Author Posted July 27, 2007 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Hi Jusified,[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Many thanks for your reply – I really appreciate your opinion, and I have to say it made me think a lot about myself and my life. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]“Love is a choice” – I guess I never thought about it in that way. Rather, I’ve seen it as a highly irrational emotional state, where you are at the mercy of your feelings, overwhelmed by them, intoxicated, out of control…. rather than thinking clearly with your head. But maybe I’ve confused it with falling in love or my outlook has been immature…I don’t know.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]And “at the moment you don’t love any of them”. Do you say that because I’m not committed to any of them? Can there be love without commitment? I guess not. I do want to commit to one man only, and of course I want my man to be committed to me. I do know that. But how do I decide which one would make me truly happy? Why is it so difficult for me to decide? How does one know? Does anyone ever know for sure?[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Thank you. [/FONT][FONT=Wingdings][FONT=Wingdings]J[/FONT][/FONT][/sIZE]
Lizzie60 Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Sorry I didn't read your post... way too long for a Friday morning... LOL Simple... from the title... if you love them equally ... go with the rich guy!
hope4best Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Ask yourself a few questions to see if it makes anything clearer. If you just got the best (or worst) news of your life, who would you want to share it with first? Who can you see yourself waking up next to in ten years from now? If you were out hiking in the woods with both of them, and they fell in to a snake pit and you only had enough anti-venom for one, who would you save (LOL)? I can't tell you what questions to ask yourself. But when you start thinking about it and being honest with yourself, you will know.
Goodin Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 I find that in situations like these it is best to be honest with yourself first and foremost and trust your gut. Then worry about logic and reason.
jusified Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 Hi Simba, the above posters have also given you good ideas about yoursituation. Well what you describe love for you in your post "highly irrational emotional state, where you are at the mercy of your feelings, overwhelmed by them, intoxicated, out of control"... to me that doesn't sound like love at all, it sounds like lust/passion. Of cause that can be part of a loving relationship but it is not love, its just a part of. What I mean is, true love, life long love is a choise and the love of a lover/partner/companion can only be truely given to one person, I guess that might be different for everyone but thats how it is with me. "Do you say that because I’m not committed"... ok I pose you this question, can you truely love someone if you have lingering feelings for someone else? "how do I decide which one would make me truly happy"... I guess only you know. But I guess in addition to the above posters suggestion you have to realise no one is perfect and no one is going to make you happy all the time. YOu will be truely happy with the person that genuinely loves and cares about you, always there fore you and is reliable and a good person. Hope it helps and let us all know.
Poboy Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 a very tough situation , i understand your situation so i will say a few things. simba , sounds like you still love your husband. you need a lot of introspection of yourself before you commit to something. ask the tough questions & hope you get clear answers. spending 8 years with a person is a long time & after reading your post , i dont really know if what you missed from your husband was motive enough to move out & start an affair. we all have good & bad quaities & obviouslly after 8 years we cant expect things to be like when it started. what was important was to work on the marriage. do you think you n your husband tried enough to keep the marriage going & work on it. sounded like you walked out & he never took it seriously. maybe you two never did enough to mend the relationship... counselling , family support etc ( did you ? ) in your current situation , 8 months is still honeymoon period & things are all great initially . do you think things with this new guy can stand the test of years to come by and you would not end up in a similar situation. lot of questions you need answers from within. i had friends who got out of a marriage after 4 years and i helped them a lot in trying to understand & work out everything so i kind of understand your situation & if you ever need help with something , pm me . good luck.
VIP Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 Does going back every work if it wasn't perfect to start with? It works, even if it wasn't perfect. It's not about being perfect, it's about love. Why do I still love my husband, if I left him for another? Sometimes we realise what we lost only after we've lost it. You probably wanted excitement, romance, something new, to be loved by someone else, may be someone more cute or more perfect. You left, because you didn't realise, that you still loved him Why can't I give my heart to the new man in my life who is so much better for me in many respects? Because your heart belongs to your husband. Why is my heart still stuck and dreaming the same old dreams of happiness with my husband? Because you love him, in spite of all imperfections. What is love? Love is a gift given from above, which we cannot control or fight. Some of us can love only one person in this life What do I do? I think you would be happier with your husband. You don't love your boyfriend, no matter how perfect he is, and you know it.
Author simba Posted August 2, 2007 Author Posted August 2, 2007 [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]All of you wonderful people out there who took the time to listen and understand and try to help - thank you all. Thank you for listening and not judging. Thank you for sharing your own experience. Thank you for helping me find my answers. [/FONT][FONT=Wingdings][FONT=Wingdings]J[/FONT][/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Hope4best, I asked myself all those questions (e.g. If you just got the best (or worst) news of your life, who would you want to share it with first?), and I have to say, it would be my husband. That is my first, un-premeditated answer. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Goodin, a lot of people have told me to trust my gut, my instinct, my strongest pull. And I want to, but why is it so scary? I guess my self-confidence has vanished completely, I don’t love myself right now, I just think I’m a terrible person because of all this. I don’t love or trust myself at the moment, maybe that’s why I can’t hear what my gut is telling me.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Jusified, thank you so much again for your wise words. I have been thinking about all the choices I have made in my life and one of them was to love my husband 8 years ago. I was such an easy choice to make, although it took so much to make a change that followed it. But in my heart I made this choice in a second. Why is it so hard now? Why does it take so much thinking and questioning?[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Poboy, you are absolutely right. We didn’t work on our relationship, we took each other for granted. And then when it got tough, I ran away. I tried to talk to him lots of times in the past, but he is difficult to talk to about his feelings and emotions. It is easier for him just to shrug things off and say “It’s nothing”. One of the biggest problems we never talked about was the fact that he felt guilty about leaving his kids. He left their family home (he stayed in his first marriage for a long time just for the sake of the kids, and only found the strength to leave when he met me) to be with me. But I never had a problem with him spending time with his kids, we had lots of happy moments all together and he has always been a wonderful dad, spending as much time with his kids as he possibly could. I guess that was one of the reasons why I love him so much, because he is a great dad! Yet he felt terribly guilty and never said a word. He only admitted it when I left and we talked about everything. He said he never wanted to talk about it because he was afraid that would push me away. Yet the fact that he never talked pushed me away, because I sensed there was something wrong he wasn’t telling me about. I even thought he might be in love with someone else and not telling me. I imagined all sorts of things. And I was too afraid to ask. This is just one example. Why are we so afraid to tell each other the truth? Why are we so afraid to ask, to talk? I feel like such a coward.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]VIP, thank you so much. You seem to know more about me than I do. Maybe you can see more clearly, because you are looking from a distance. And you know what, often when I look from a distance, when I’m on my own, not around my boyfriend, all I want to do is rush into my husband’s arms and stay there. And start again from scratch. Why do I get so weak then, so weak and cowardly when I see the love in my boyfriend’s eyes, why can’t I say goodbye? I said to him many times I still have feelings for my husband, and I need to go and sort it out with him. Every time he begged me not to go and did everything in his power to keep me beside him. How do I say goodbye to him? Sometimes I think I’m mad – why on earth would anyone want to leave someone so wonderful and loving as him? To go back to a husband who wasn’t and never will be perfect, and try again, without any guarantees? How can I say goodbye? How can I make it work with my husband? So many questions…[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Thanks again. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT]
SierraMarie Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 Hi simba I was in a situtation like yours (well not exactly but basically) so I know how it feels. What I wish I would have done is just not be with either one of them until I decided. So that would be my advice to you. What I actually did was just kept going back and forth, and it really didn't help at all. Well, good luck and I hope you figure everything out.
matwithonet Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 I do not agree that Love is a choice. It is an emotion that if we try and fight, we will end up losing. I know it's hard but you have to embrace love. I don't have much experience but if you still find yourself loving your husband, I think it's worth trying to make work. Love doesn't come easy and neither does relationships, as long as both parties are willing to fight for it, I personally think that any relationship can flourish. I also agree with SierraMarie, that maybe you should take some time from both of them and really think about this decision. Because with having them around, you aren't giving either of them a fair chance.
bish Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 Does going back every work if it wasn't perfect to start with? Why do I still love my husband, if I left him for another? Why can't I give my heart to the new man in my life who is so much better for me in many respects? Why is my heart still stuck and dreaming the same old dreams of happiness with my husband? What is love? Has anyone been in a similar situation? What do I do? If you really think it is possible to love two men at the same time....then while you are having sex with one of them....say to them.."this is wonderful...*gasp* *gasp*....you know what....I love [insert other man's name here]." Then see how possible the man you are with thinks of it. Oh no doubt since he is having sex with you that he'll want to finish and be angry later...LOL. Anyway, advice? Ok here it is. Divorce your husband and leave him alone. He deserves better.
bish Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 Sorry I didn't read your post... way too long for a Friday morning... LOL Simple... from the title... if you love them equally ... go with the rich guy! Thing is, you probably really feel this way. I don't think I've seen anyone on this forum, some come close, as morally and humanly bankrupt as you.
dbtmarley Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 Thing is, you probably really feel this way. I don't think I've seen anyone on this forum, some come close, as morally and humanly bankrupt as you. If she files for bankruptcy though does she get to keep the few morals she has? Thomas (Who wonders if he is one of those "some come close")
bish Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 If she files for bankruptcy though does she get to keep the few morals she has? You have to have some in the first place to keep any.
immizunderstood Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 In my opinion I believe it is possible to love two people however, if all parties involved are aware of your love for them, then that's fine but if they aren't aware and are not given the option to decide with all facts put on the table which course of action they choose to take; then I would say that's deceitful and not in the best interest of all parties involved including yourself. I believe you will not be giving yourself the love you deserve because all the love you receive will be given to you under false pretenses and why would you want to live a full life of joy that is infused with lies? The answer to your question lives in you. When people tell you to trust your feelings, there are telling you to listen to that quiet voice that unmistakably tells you "what would love do now"? So ask yourself. What would love do now? Trust me you will find the answer and that's what's called your gut feeling. Note: Make sure your gut feeling comes from a place that is positive and filled with love and not from a place that is negative or thoughts that you have created in your mind masquerading as feelings. The answer that which does come through will be the answer that has the well being of all parties involved.
immizunderstood Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 In my opinion I believe it is possible to love two people however, if all parties involved are aware of your love for them, then that's fine but if they aren't aware and are not given the option to decide with all facts put on the table which course of action they choose to take; then I would say that's deceitful and not in the best interest of all parties involved including yourself. I believe you will not be giving yourself the love you deserve because all the love you receive will be given to you under false pretenses and why would you want to live a full life of joy that is infused with lies? The answer to your question lives in you. When people tell you to trust your feelings, there are telling you to listen to that quiet voice that unmistakably tells you "what would love do now"? So ask yourself. What would love do now? Trust me you will find the answer and that's what's called your gut feeling. Note: Make sure your gut feeling comes from a place that is positive and filled with love and not from a place that is negative or thoughts that you have created in your mind masquerading as feelings. The answer that which does come through will be the answer that has the well being of all parties involved.
immizunderstood Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 In my opinion I believe it is possible to love two people however, if all parties involved are aware of your love for them, then that's fine but if they aren't aware and are not given the option to decide with all facts put on the table which course of action they choose to take; then I would say that's deceitful and not in the best interest of all parties involved including yourself. I believe you will not be giving yourself the love you deserve because all the love you receive will be given to you under false pretenses and why would you want to live a full life of joy that is infused with lies? The answer to your question lives in you. When people tell you to trust your feelings, there are telling you to listen to that quiet voice that unmistakably tells you "what would love do now"? So ask yourself. What would love do now? Trust me you will find the answer and that's what's called your gut feeling. Note: Make sure your gut feeling comes from a place that is positive and filled with love and not from a place that is negative or thoughts that you have created in your mind masquerading as feelings. The answer that which does come through will be the answer that has the well being of all parties involved.
Author simba Posted August 3, 2007 Author Posted August 3, 2007 Thank you, immizunderstood, I really appreciate your thoughts. I have been trying to find that little voice inside me for so long, I think I have strangled it to the point where it has all but vanished. I think I need time and space on my own to find it again. I don't want to live a lie. It is just not worth it. Thank you again.
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