guitarjunkie Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 I'm 26 years old and my girlfriend's 25, we've been dating for about 5 months and when we started dating she would tell me about past boyfriends and how her talking to her parents would bother them. I didn't see anything wrong with it and didn't have a problem with it. But after 5 months, and she talks to her parents EVERYDAY, I feel like something is wrong. I don't really know what to say about it because her talking to her parents really doesn't bother me, it's more that i feel like I'm always second to her parents. I love her and we've talked about spending our lives together, but my fear is that if we were to get married, our marriage would be second to her talking to her parents. And though I didn't want to bring it up, cause I wasn't sure what was going with me, she could tell something was bothering me and wouldn't let it go. But the reason it bothered me, I guess, is because we had already fought earlier that day and were in the process of making up, when she said that we should stop because she had to make a call to her parents. In talking about it she said she didn't understand that if we weren't doing anything what was the big deal about talking to her parents, and I only realized today that there isn't anything wrong with it, but I didn't realize until now that we were kind of doing something when she pulled away to call. And I think that's what bothered me about it, not that she talks to them, cause who the hell would I be to ask her to not talk to her parents, but that no matter what we are doing in our relationship it doesn't seem to affect what she does in regards to her calling her parents. She also asks me everytime when the call if it is ok to talk to them, and I didn't want to say no, because I felt it wasn't my place. Am I wrong here? The way it looks to me is that she is under the mindset of being her parents kid, instead of being my girlfriend (/hopefully future wife). And I'm not saying that after 5 months I expect that to have switched completely, but I would like to think that she would want to form a bond between us that is that strong, which I feel can't be done because we can't even make up after fighting with out her calling to talk to her parents. What do I do? We're supposed to talk tonight, so any quick advice would be greatly appreciated. Also, if I am just plain wrong here, would things change after being married? Thanks for any help. H
Tyra Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 First, I would like to know,why does she like to talk to her parents everyday if she's 25 years old. You are definately not wrong in any way. But before you two really come into realization that you both want to get married, you let her know how you dislike the simple fact that she always talking to her parents on the phone. Even if you two aren't doing anything, it doesn't matter to no degree. Everyday, that's ridiculous.And I'm telling you, if you don't get this straighten out now, when you get married to her, your marriage will be a disaster, all because of her 24-7 talks to mom and dad.And in the marriage, you are suppose to be number one over her parents, as you already know.
Author guitarjunkie Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 Okay, but what do I do about it? How do I talk to her about it, cause when I tried to she just got mad as hell, barely talked to me, and then was figuring that we were over. What do I say to her? How do I convey that message in a way that doesn't sound like I want her to stop talking to her parents but lets her know how I feel about the constant calling? H
Author guitarjunkie Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 Oh, and she said she talks to them everyday because she feels like they need her. She has told me about problems that her parents have between each other, and they use her as a marriage counselor. And so she feels obliged to talk to them everyday because they want to make sure she is ok and know how she is doing. But my POV is that she doesn't have enough time to get into trouble, and since she works all day, what new news is there to report? H
Tyra Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 I tremendously agree with you when you said what new news is there to report. But I would sit her down and say to her "Honey, Baby, (or whatever you call her), I would like to talk to you about something that I think has taken a bad toll tremendously in you and I relationship. Please, just hear me out and understand where I am coming from. Don't get upset with me. Im not trying to be mean, demanding, or controlling either. I understand that you love your parents so much, and I would never go against that. But I feel as though when you talk to your parents everyday, you pushes me away, slowly and slowly. Yeah, your parents may need you, but I need you too. I plan to spend the rest of my life with you, but all I can see is you spending the rest of your life with your parents".And tell her if she loves you, then she would know where you are coming from and would want to change. Tell her that you really want to make this relationship work. Then just, tell her what if she put herself in your shoes. Just think about this,and as you talk more and more with her, words would fall into place.O.K? I hope I helped.Let me know.
Sun_Conure Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 I disagree with Tyra. If I were you, I would not say anything for following reasons: (1) it's controlling and demanding. There are other ways to get what you want without telling anything. (2) she said her parents need her, if you interfere you would look like a guy, who does not care about her. Asking her not to talk to her parents IS asking too much. (3) never ever try to reduce contact between her and her parents and never make her chose between you and her parents. It's unfair to her. What can you do? Well, as I understand you feel alienated because she does not include you into this relationship with her parents. You could try to ask her about what's bothering her and them, what's happening in their lives. Show interest. If she talks about this to you, you will fill included and it would not bother you that she talks with them every day. If she already telling you everything and it still bothers you, then I do not know what you could do. If she refuses to tell you anything, you might consider waiting for a while. She might open up later (in 2 or 3 months). 5 months is not a lot of time and she might not be comfortable enough to share with you all teh information about her parents. During that time, you might continuously inquire about her parents, show interest in them and their life. At least that's what I would do. Hope that helps
Author guitarjunkie Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 I'm not asking her to completely quit talking to her parents, I would just like to be able to spend uninterrupted time with her. For example, last night we were arguing about some other topic, and came to an agreement, we don't yell, we just talk everything out, no one raises their voice or uses bad language or calls names. But when we came to our agreement, we started to make up, and I hope you know what I mean, but as things were starting to get rather intense, she pulled away because she had to call her parents. This happened earlier this week too. It feels to me that her parents make her feel like they have a right to her anytime, and if anybody interferes with that, then I'm the bad guy, without them realizing that they might be interfering with what we might be doing. But I would like to point out that her parents in this situation are the ones who are the parents right? They shouldn't be coming to her for advice, or be using her as a counselor right? The kid is supposed to go to the parents for advice. But it's not that it's only the talking, it's the if she doesn't answer they get mad and wonder what she is doing that she can't talk to them. So to me it seems like she can't be her own person because her parents always have to know what she did that day. At 25, I think she should be able to go a day or two without having to check in. besides she works M-F, 8-5, and spends the evenings with me or taking care of things in the apartment, what is there to talk about it? What she ate for dinner? Who cares? She's 25, she can make that decision on her own. She said it was because her parents do not know that I am at her place as much as I am. So I said that if she can't tell her parents the truth about that, then maybe I shouldn't be over as much. But when I try to tell her I'm going home she gets all sad because she feels safer with me there, but I'm thinking that if she feels safer with me there and her parents might feel safer knowing she's not alone all the time, then maybe she should tell them the truth and they might reduce the calling because they won't be as worried about her. I know they care, and I'm not trying or wanting to injure their relationship, but I feel like our relationship is not being given enough time to grow. Correct me if I am wrong here. I don't see what is controlling about that. I just want us to be more independent towards each other, more relying on each other than what her parents think. Thanks for the input, I like to hear multiple sides of everything, maybe I am not aware of what I am asking.
Sun_Conure Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 guitarjunkie I understand your concern. However, you are exhibiting signs of controlling behavior. By trying to change her you are behaving like her parents. Do you want to be her father or her bf? If you want to be with an independent women, then find one. This one obviously is not fully independent yet. She needs some time to grow up. Nothing wrong with that. If you push her, she would resent you for this. I am sorry, but you have to accept her for who she is. You cannot change her. Heh ... try talking to her I would like to hear the result
VIP Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 she talks to her parents EVERYDAY, I feel like something is wrong. I don't really know what to say about it because her talking to her parents really doesn't bother me, it's more that i feel like I'm always second to her parents. I think she should be free to talk to whoever she wants whenever she wants. I think you are being jealous and possessive for no reason. Just because she is your girlfriend, it doesn't mean she stopped to be her parents' daughter, especially now, that they have a hard time.
oppath Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 I think his concerns are valid. Is asking her why she talks to them so much and telling her it concerns him wrong? No. He is telling her, "I see in you qualities that I value; you make those qualities LIVE, and that affirms me, but I'd like you to try to exercise more independence." If she can't, she can't, and he should walk away.
BlueEyedGirl Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 She talks to her parents everyday and that's a problem? OMG You have serious issues. Are you perhaps jelous of the fact that you are not as close to your parents as she is? I actually think that strong relationship with the parents is a positive thing. I talk to mine every single day for around an hour and see them once a week, no matter what . And I'm in my 30's. Also the fact that you have only been dating her for 5 months and you already want to control her OMG. Consider the fact that they have been in her life for 25 years and as boys came and went there were always there, showing her uncoditional love and support with no ulterior motive. You on the other hand are already showing an ulterior motive. I suggest talking about this issue with her but only so she can see what you are really like and dump you before she has wasted any more time.
playabum17 Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 There are some days that I talk to my parents, my Mom especially, several times a day....other times I go a few days. I'm very close with my parents and any guy that would presume to tell me that I couldn't or shouldn't be talking to my parents...it would not be pretty. My relationship with them is also what I would consider 'normal' close, meaning they are my parents and my friends. They don't tell me what to do with my life, I do ask for advice and share what is going on, but there is no 'control' issues. I'm an adult, I just like talking to my Mommy and Daddy, er...I mean Mother and Father.
BlueEyedGirl Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 My relationship with them is also what I would consider 'normal' close, meaning they are my parents and my friends. They don't tell me what to do with my life, I do ask for advice and share what is going on, but there is no 'control' issues. I'm an adult, I just like talking to my Mommy and Daddy, er...I mean Mother and Father. Exactly, I'm actually closer to my mom than I am to any female friend - it's just that she knows me the best, never judges me (even with MM, engaged men issues) and when she gives me advice, I know that she truly wants what's best for me. She is prepared to drop anything that she is doing and just listen to me for hours when I go around in circles about my problems. Some of my friends tease me about it, but what can I do, I just love my mommy and daddy
Heavenly55 Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 What part of the country are u people from? The average person who is close with their families talk to their familes, if not live with them on a daily basis. How is this bothering you..are u that selfish. I'm 25 and I talk to my mom every day on the phone. We're friends and I can talk to her about pretty much everything. Most of my friends and aquaintaces all live with their families and are in their 20s so I guess for them they are talking to them every day too. I'm still trying to see what the problem is here bc I don't get it. Especially the fact that it's a mother and daughter. The only thing I find odd is that it bothers you this much. If her parents are bardging in her apartment unannounced (that's if she lives alone) or something along those lines how are her parents controlling her?
Heavenly55 Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 It feels to me that her parents make her feel like they have a right to her she works M-F, 8-5, and spends the evenings with me or taking care of things in the apartment, what is there to talk about it? What she ate for dinner? Who cares? She's 25, she can make that decision on her own. . Can I ask if you're parents are in your life bc you sound jealous that she's close with hers. I talk to my mom even at work sometimes and yes about what I ate. I even do that with friends of mine. You don't always call someone only if you have news to tell..it's call being close with someone. And to blueyes response I was not close with my mom at all growing up. We lived in the same house and hardly spoke. Now that I' grown she is the first person I go to with most problems bc like you said I know she'll be there to listen to me no matter what..and boy has she.
LN99 Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 I'm 25 and I only WISH i could talk to my parents everyday! (They both died recently). I was very close with them, but I took them for granted at times. In my late teens and early 20s, I kinda alienated my Dad from a guy I was dating at the time. (I still feel bad about it to this day). I know it hurt him that I never introduced the two of them to each other, but I just kept blowing it off. I think I valued my dad's opinion so much, that i was afraid that if he didn't like the guy, I would lose feelings for the guy. He died 3 yrs ago so they never did get that chance to meet. (The guy and I did end up breaking up for other reasons.) My mom and I, on the other hand, were always very close. She died this past April...and I took care of her the past 5 yrs while she was battling bone cancer. I lived with her....and when I had to work, I would call her everyday to check up on her (even if I was away for only a few hrs.) I would tell her about my day and I could talk to her about anything and everything. She loved hearing the details..even if they seemed insignificant. But I could tell it meant a lot to her. We would sit up late sometimes and just talk. Sometimes just sit there and laugh hysterically over something stupid. It was great though...she was one of the best friends I could ever have. I now realize how much I really miss that... It feels like a big part of me has died along with her.... I dated for a bit in the beginning, but I felt my place was to be with her...especially towards the end. Not many men could understand this, so I basically haven't dated for a few yrs. It was just easier that way...not dealing with all that. I felt my mom deserved my attention fully....because she was always there for me when I was younger. I don't think you should be upset that your gf calls her parents. She has every right to be close with them. You shouldn't feel jealous... They might not be around tomorrow or at least won't be forever....so let her talk to them!
Author guitarjunkie Posted July 23, 2007 Author Posted July 23, 2007 Being a guy, I'm getting the feeling that the parent/son relationship is different than a parent(mother)/daughter relationship. Not having a sister I have had no experience with this in the past. I actually live with my parents so I talk to them pretty regularly. I think what was bothering me about the situation is that her parents would/do get mad at her if she doesn't answer her phone. So then if she doesn't interrupt what we are doing to take the call, they get mad and yell at her for not being available. I just think this is a bit strange because how is she supposed to be in a relationship and develop that if she is constantly pulled away by phone calls? Not to mention that sometimes the phone calls are pretty pointless, so it's not like it is always something important, if there were medical emergencies or a real crisis I could understand. But if that were the case then they need some serious help cause that many problems is nuts. Also, why is she dating me if her mom is her soul mate, why not just move in with her parents and be single the rest of her life? Also, Heavenly55 are you dating anyone? Cause how do you have time to be with someone if you are talking to your mom three times a day? Has this been a problem in your relationships too? You also said you talk to your mom and some friends about what you ate, how much time do you spend on the phone? And if you are in a relationship, how does your BF feel about this?
LN99 Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Ah, so you live at home and she doesn't.... That makes a difference. You probably see your parents and talk to them in person more then you think. So therefore there really is no need to call them. Plus, as you said, you're a guy. Most guys seem less attached to their parents or at least don't use the phone as much. Now, she is living AWAY from them? So, as parents, they are probably doing their parently thing and checking up on her. Plus, if she can't see them in person, the phone is the next best option. They probably get mad if she doesn't answer because deep down they start to get worried. Or maybe they are afraid that shes just gonna ignore their calls. There are really two things you can do in this situation: Get over it and accept the fact that she is close to her parents...OR end things and find someone else and pray that she doesn't call her parents often.
jcster Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 I find it a little strange that you are so resistant to having your girlfriend call her parents when you LIVE with yours!!!! There comes a time in every adult's life when they need to cut the apron strings and live their own lives without constant parental input. But if you're not there yet, then it's pretty hypocritical to expect your girlfriend to be there now.
Author guitarjunkie Posted July 23, 2007 Author Posted July 23, 2007 Actually I am moving out next week, I was supposed to move out two months ago but due to some circumstances with the person I am replacing in the house I am moving into I haven't been able to until now. Also, I don't want to live at home but had to out of necessity.
shockandawed Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 I don't see the controlling jerk some are trying to make him out to be. He has posted here seeking advise before acting which clearly states he has compassion about the issue and wants to be certain his concerns are valid. I do see some red flags here. I don't think the problem is that she talks to her parents everyday, but that she stops activities to do so. If there is a valid problem, then fine, but it sounds like she stopped intimacy to make a routine call to her parents. That is a little whacked. Again, I don't think there is a problem with just talking to her parents daily, as long as it doesn't overshadow her own life. Counseling them on their marriage is another red flag. Parents using their own children to discuss marital problems seems a little odd as well. Very unfair on the child, even as an adult. This could result in some fears within herself for her own future marriage. I am certain part of her need now to constantly be talking to them is a fear that if she doesn't, they may split. He has to address this with her. Lack of communication is the biggest reason for failed marriages/relationships. He clearly has a right to discuss this..and I am pretty certain meddling in-laws is pretty high up there as a reason as well. I can certainly see this being a problem down the road. If the parents spill the beans about everything to her, she will be expected to do the same. Every problem, thing you do to upset her, etc..will be relayed to the parents. Even the most sane of parents become very biased when it comes to their children. Let them hear a few things you did wrong and I can pretty well bet they will start the get rid of him parade. How you handle it? Well that is the tough part..I don't think you bring it up as the problem being her talking to her parents so much. Maybe you go more from a counselor approach. Get her talking about them, ask her how it makes her feel to be involved with their issues...take it from there, don't criticize, just talk, but let her know it does bother you, not that they are close and talk daily but that she would stop intimacy with you to just call them. It is ok for them to talk and be close, but she is also an adult who should be prioritizing her life as well.
Sun_Conure Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 shockandawed wrote: "It is ok for them to talk and be close, but she is also an adult who should be prioritizing her life as well." Well, she does prioritize her life Her bf might not like her priorities though Could anyone tell me why a person is supposed to place higher value on dating relationships then on their family?
annabelle75 Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 I agree with Tyra's posts. Although there is nothing wrong with having a close relationship with one's parents or even calling them every day I think he is more concerned with the larger problem. First of all, no one should ever involve their children in their marital problems. If they are calling her to work as a mediator or just to vent, its unhealthy and wrong. That is not a helathy parent child realtionship. Secondly, if she can't get through the day with out talking to her parents at her age than there are possible dependency issues. If she is serious about a long term realtionship with her boyfriend she needs to start cutting those apron strings. The act of calling everyday is not a big deal, but the NEED to call everyday is. Lastly, if a man ever pulled away from sex with me to call his mom I would kick him to the curb so fast he wouldn't know what hit him. Not even close to acceptable. I understand the frustration here. I don't think this is a case of be controling or jealous. I think he is just tired of being put aside and feeling as though he is not as important as her parents. Should she make him feel he is a higher priority than her parents? Yes. If they are looking at getting married some day, than this problem needs to be dealt with now. If they get married and she is still completely dependant on her parents, they will never last.
Author guitarjunkie Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 Could anyone tell me why a person is supposed to place higher value on dating relationships then on their family? Well, what I would like to know is, how is a dating relationship supposed to turn into a marriage, if the higher value is always placed on the parentals family? I think that's why it's called a commitment, you make a commitment to the person you are involved with, and I think that yes that means putting them higher (although not much higher) than your parents. I might have phrased my problem incorrectly here, but the previous poster made it clear, my problem isn't with her calling everyday or being close with her parents, but interrupting us being intimate just to make a phone call to her mom, well that to me seems like a problem. I see this girl as my future wife and if the past predicts the future, I don't want to live my marriage in the time left after she is done with her parents. Maybe this is an indicator that she is not the one for me, but I think I have the right to voice my concern. I don't think this makes me a jealous or controlling bf, and it annoyed me that I came here to receive advice and got berated for trying to figure out what to do. The other thing that didn't make sense to me, is that everytime her parents call they expect her to answer. If she doesn't they get mad at her and blame me for interferring with their family. I don't see how this is encouraging her to create a family of her own. They say things like, "you're never available anymore", and "we can't reach you when we need you." And well, I don't understand it because she talks to them literally everyday. So for them to say that, I find that to be worthy of concern for me who is hoping to be with this girl for the rest of my life. For example: We went to a nearby city one day and she talked to them as we got to the city. She didn't want them to worry about her so she said that we were already back (which she did on her own, I had nothing to do with that), but then they called an hour later and she didn't answer because she figured she had already talked to them and it shouldn't have been a big deal (again her own choice, I actually told her she should answer). But when she finally called them back they were pissed because she didn't answer and they wanted her to check on something for them, a sale at some store. But they were very mad at her, just because she was not available to check on something that they had heard for them, which turned out not to be true anyway. But this to me was a bit crazy, I didn't say anything, but it made me wonder how things would be in the future. Anyway, thanks to those of you who actually tried to understand my situation and provide some type of help. To the others who took out their own frustrations on me, look at what people write here and try to figure out what they need instead of seeing your own situation and portraying people as inconsiderate, cause that doesn't help the situation at all.
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