Kathleen2260 Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 I'm not married yet, but I dont' know which heading to put this under. My SO and I are more than dating, we live together been together for five years and are planning to get married soon. However last night we had a huge fight (hadn't had a fight like that in months and some of the things he said to me I just don't know if I can forget and forgive. Some background, my SO works 2 jobs (by choice) his 2nd job is more of a hobby, it only pays 15 cents an hour more than the minimum wage and he works with his dad there. We don't need the money but he loves the job and enjoys the time with his dad. So I don't complain. However he spends less and less time with me. We live together but the only day we see eachother for more than an hour (yes more than an hour!) is Sunday. Sunday is his only day off and this is the day we will go out for dinner sometimes or last weekend to a movie but mostly we spend that day doing chores around the house. Although we normally don't do the chores together, he is off doing his thing and I do mine. Then we'll sit on the couch and watch tv together (normally something HE wants to watch) for a few hours. Even though we don't hardly ever see eachother I still have sex with him 10-18 times a months. Plus I do all the grocery shopping, I cook him dinner every night (except sundays) and I keep the house clean and mow grass. He does help- he does the dishes all the time because I hate doing dishes, he does his own laundry and he changes the oil in my car for me. I work 40 hours a week so I have a lot of free time compared to my SO but I have felt neglected by him. I feel that he's taking me for granted because other than having sex with me he rarely pays any attention to me. It feels like he always puts me last which I know isn't true. But the order of his priorities it seems are work, work hobbies, house, me, family. So he does put me in front of his family (except for his dad) but for example, yesterday I came home after work (I see him for literally ten minutes before he goes to his next job) and I inititated sex because I knew he wasn't expecting me to (Only ten minutes to do anything) and I wanted to suprise him. He was happy about that, I was left feeling slightly used because I didn't enjoy it fully but ok, so he went to his 2nd job and he was leaving work early to go to his motorcycle club meeting. This is every thursday. He goes to hang out with the guys. He's been saying he's going to quit for the last two years and use that time to spend with me but he doens't follow thru and I dont' push the issue. I figure all guys need some time to bond and hang out with their buddies. The problem is that his meeting was over at 8pm and he called me to say he had to help clean up and then he'd call before he left. I figured he'd be home by 8:30- 9pm and we'd get to spend some quality time together. He normally gets home from work at 10:30 and I'm in bed by then. So it was 9:30 and he hadn't called me and I called him and he said he wasn't finished there yet and I got upset. It was an hour and a half after they'd finished their meeting. Yes, maybe I was nagging at him but I was upset, I'd had sex with him even though HE was the only one who'd enjoyed it and now he won't even come home before I'm going to bed. So he got home and he was upset that I'd yelled at him. I tried to sit down adn talk calmly and tell him that I feel taken for granted and I just need to see him more often. I had several suggestions- he attend his motorcycle meetings every other week instead of every week and spend that free time with me, or he could take a day off his 2nd job (his boss won't care) maybe once every two weeks. Or instead of helping his dad at work every night (reason he doesnt' get home till 10:30) he could help him every other night. My SO didnt' like ANY of these suggestions. he said once he gives in to one thing I"m going to be demanding a lot more. that I want him to give up EVERYTHING for me. I find this to be ridiculous! IS it too much to ask that your own SO spend more than one day a week with you!!! When you live in the same house??? Obviously he has his needs taken care- I don't withhold sex, I don't let him starve, I don't leave the house a mess, I take care of myself. But I need more than a warm body to sleep next to every night. I do enjoy the time we get to spend together and thats why I want MORE time with him. He says once we get married and have kids he will quit the 2nd job but I don't believe that. He told me last night why dont I just find a guy to screw around with on the side and maybe that will get me off his back. I actually asked him if he was serious and he didn't answer. He said he didnt' think it would bother him if I was sleeping with someone else as long as the guy was gone from our house by the time he got home from work. That was just a slap in the face. I feel like I mean NOTHING to him. How can someone not care if their SO was with someone else?? I'm almost tempted to do that just to show him not to say things if you don't mean them. but I could never cheat on him. The thing is when we started dating (and lived 45 minutes apart he used to work the same two jobs and yet he'd get done by 8pm and he'd drive to my house almost every day and spend time with me. On top of this he would hang out with his motorcyle club buddies 3 or 4 times a week!! So he had time to do all of this. The reason he doesn't have time for all of this now isnt' becasue of ME, Its because he chooses to work more hours, help his dad out more and doesnt' make the time for anything else. if he had been like he is now when we started dating I would have NEVER continued dating him. Over the years, when he started to spend less time wtih me I loved him so I sacrificed things like that to compromise. When I told him I felt he was taking me for granted his response was "we've been together for five years, after that long you don't have to try anymore, so yeah you take them for granted there's nothing you can do about it." I dont' believe that! A relationship is just like a job you have to work at it. Am I expecting too much or is my SO in the wrong here? Is there anything I can do to fix this or is it hopeless? I should point out that any time I bring up something my SO always says "well I actually planned to do that tomorrow but you ruined it by arguing with me!" He claims that he planned to take tonight off to spend time with me and that he had planned to get home early last night from the motorcylcle club but because I was arguing with him he had changed his mind. I dont' believe the thing about tongiht because I had told him three days ago I had plans with a friend tonight. So why would he get home early if he knew I was going out? Also three months ago at my sister's wedding he got all lovey dovey and started crying and said I was the best thign that ever happend to him and that he loved me so much and realized that he needs to spend more time with me and needs to show me how much he cares(and this was with no prompting or even talkign about the subject from me) Yet he doesnt' follow through. He brings up that he spends ALL day on sunday with me and yes thats true but he doesn't spend any other time with me and thats what I need.
Author Kathleen2260 Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 Sorry I didn't mean to post this twice! It said I was timed out and had to log in again to post this so I did but it must have posted it already when it said I was logged out.
Sobri821 Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Wow, I am sorry that you are in this situation. I can imagine how lonely you must feel. I think you know deep down what you want to do about this situation. It seems that things have gotten worse and I am sorry to say but they may not change even after marriage. (Though I am not married and I am sure that the more expereinced people on here will tell you a world of things). But I am living with my SO and if I were in your shoes I would feel how you do. He may have gotten comfortable with your arangements and now feels that what little time he does spend with you is enough, since you are putting up with it all. I think you should try talking to him again with out being angry tell him how you feel, if things do not chnage, maybe it's time to put yourself first.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 If you type into your browser the words, "why women leave men, marriagebuilders", you'll find an article there that will help you explain to your S/O what you're looking for within the relationship. You might also want to consider some pre-marital counseling, or at least some home-study. Books like The Five Love Languages by Chapman, and Love Busters by Harley will help you solve your communications problems and identify each other's emotional needs. The miscommunication is probably one of perceived control. IOW, he thinks you're trying to control him so he's dismissive (even hurtfully flippant) when you tell him what you need. Once he understands that the fulfillment of each partner's most basic emotional needs is imperative for the long-term success of the relationship, it's possible that he might reevaluate his stubborn stance. You know, the perks go both ways when BOTH partner's are committed to identifying and fulfilling each other's truest needs.
Lynna Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Kathleen, I don't think that you are expecting too much by wanting to spend time with your SO. Yes, he is right in that after you have been with someone awhile, you can get into a rut, but you are right in that any relationship takes time and effort, much like a job, but a job that you love beyond any other you can have. If you really love someone you should want to be with that person. You should want to put that person's needs and desires above your own. You should want to work through problems together when they arise. I am so sorry he said that to you about sleeping with someone else. To me that would be a sign that my SO did not really care about me, did not value and treasure me the way that two people in a committed relationship should. In some ways it makes me wonder, and I hesitate to suggest this as I don't want to hurt you, but could he be sleeping with someone else? Could that explain some of his behavior and absences/lateness? Have you noticed any differences in his behavior/attitude that might indicate that? I am NOT saying that he is, it just rings a warning bell to me. Have you thought about counseling? You could suggest it to him. You could approach it by saying that clearly you two disagree about how much time and effort you should be devoting to each other and to your relationship. That you are feeling unloved and unappreciated and hurt by this space that has developed between you. Tell him how hurt you are that he thinks so little of you that he does not care if you sleep with someone else. Tell him how that makes you feel like your relationship is over, that you are no more than roommates. Then tell him how much you love him and want to rebuild your relationship to what it was before and that you would like to go to counseling to help you do this. He probably won't like the idea at all and won't think it is necessary, but it you approach it the right way in a conversation and using a lot of "I" statements while not being accusing or angry, then maybe he will see how serious you are about this. If he still won't listen to reason, then maybe you should step back a bit and not be there for him all the time when he is free. Don't be at his beck and call. You could tell him that you are hurting too much from his behavior, and that for your own sake you need to have some distance. That maybe you need to step back and give yourself some space to figure things out. In other words, plan things to do, things that you two used to enjoy doing together. Plan some of them on Sundays, but also at other times. Tell him that you are going to go do this and that he is welcome to come along, but that this is the time that it is going to be. If you can find things that are at times when he is "more free" like on motorcycle nights or nights he is working with his Dad, that would be best. Do something like that once a week, something you know he would enjoy. Then he will have to choose which he would like to do more. Tell him that for your own sake and sanity that you need more flexibility in your schedule. Tell him how you miss him and are sorry that he could not come when you do something, but keep doing it. And don't settle for just sitting around on Sundays watching things on TV that he wants to watch. Go out and do things actively together is possible but on your own if need be. There is nothing worse for helping a relationship stagnate than the mindlessness of TV. I wish you luck in all this, I hope things get better for you in your relationship! You can get through all this, but it does take two to make it work.
a4a Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Before you spend more time on this ask yourself a couple of questions. Is this what you want out of your life? Is is worth the crap you are going to have to go through to get him to see the light? Is this the last bus out of town for you? If you want to fix it..... make your life about you. what happens if he comes home and you are around for 2-3 weeks? my guess.... he won't care or will use it against you to drop you. his way or the highway..... your choice..... probably the only options he will "allow".
child_of_isis Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Yes sweets, it is true. You are not top priority. You already "feel" this, yet you say you "know" it isn't true. Examine that sentence carefully. Is he saying one thing (I love you more than anything/anyone) but doing another? (but I can't take time off from my bike buddies, nor my job, nor my family) It is all about actions, not words. This treatment is what turn women cold and sexless when in a marriage. When you become nothing much but a cook/laundress and a quick piece of ass. And then one day during happily ever after... H will be complaining to OW about a sexless marriage and how you never want anything to do with him anymore. Dump him and find someone who will appreciate you. I feel that he's taking me for granted because other than having sex with me he rarely pays any attention to me. It feels like he always puts me last which I know isn't true.
jmargel Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 From my experiences and only married three years.. Any problems you have now are magnified by ten after the wedding. If you think he neglects you now, just wait until after you have that wedding ring on. He's taking you for granted and doesn't value you like he should. After all the crap that I have been put through I couldn't ever say those things to my wife like he did you. That is just plain disrespectful. This is a major red flag.
Author Kathleen2260 Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 The bad thing is that when we first started dating I liked the fact that my SO had other things in his life that were important to him- hobbies, friends, family, and admired him because he was so hard working. But of course that was back when he made time for me. An ex of mine- we didnt' date very long- was very controlling and wanted me to spend ALL of my free time with him. He didn't like it when I wanted to hang out with my friends- even if it was just that I wanted to go to the mall with a girlfriend he wanted to be invited too. He wanted me to go everywhere with him, if he was going to run to the store to get 3 things he wanted me to meet him there. I felt very suffocated and vowed never to allow myself to make someone feel that way. I don't think it is MY fault my SO doesn't have a lot of free time. I don't ask much of him. I just want more than an hour a day (6 days a week) and more than part of a day with him (sunday). I read somewhere that a couple should spend something like 20 hours a week together as quality one-on one time. I don't think I get 20 hours in two months!!
jmargel Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Then you have to decide if you want a relationship like this. Sounds like he is not going to change.
Lynna Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Yes, it is very healthy for couples to have interests separate from the other person. BUT they should also want to be spending time with their partner. You should not be the last thing on his list of priorities! It sounds like he is the opposite extreme from the ex you describe. If you would not stand for one extreme, you should not stand for the other. Don't let him treat you like this! Don't let him treat you like a doormat and take you for granted.
VIP Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 I still have sex with him 10-18 times a months. Plus I do all the grocery shopping... Is sex a chore for you? So it was 9:30 and he hadn't called me and I called him and he said he wasn't finished there yet and I got upset. It was an hour and a half after they'd finished their meeting. Yes, maybe I was nagging at him but I was upset, I'd had sex with him even though HE was the only one who'd enjoyed it and now he won't even come home before I'm going to bed. So he got home and he was upset that I'd yelled at him. This looks like nagging to me too. I had several suggestions- he attend his motorcycle meetings every other week instead of every week and spend that free time with me, or he could take a day off his 2nd job (his boss won't care) maybe once every two weeks. Or instead of helping his dad at work every night (reason he doesnt' get home till 10:30) he could help him every other night. You don't make him want to spend time with you by demanding it. I do enjoy the time we get to spend together and thats why I want MORE time with him. If you were less demanding and pushy about it, he might have figured out himself how to spend more time with you.
Author Kathleen2260 Posted July 23, 2007 Author Posted July 23, 2007 You don't make him want to spend time with you by demanding it. If you were less demanding and pushy about it, he might have figured out himself how to spend more time with you. No, I've tried the other way of never saying anything about him spending more time with me, not being pushy etc but it has no effect. I can be as sweet and helpful and wonderful and that doesn't make him want to spend more time with me either. The only thing that seems to work is going out and doing my own thing and having fun and after a few weeks of this I get accused of not working on the relationship and ignorning HIM. Also if I spend the night anywhere other than home (go away for business or just stay out with friends which I haven't done either in over two years my SO becomes very clingy and misses me. So that is why I'm become so nagging and demanding. It is the only way to get attention from him whether its good or bad.
enoughisenough Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 "He told me last night why dont I just find a guy to screw around with on the side and maybe that will get me off his back. I actually asked him if he was serious and he didn't answer. He said he didnt' think it would bother him if I was sleeping with someone else as long as the guy was gone from our house by the time he got home from work. "Ew. How do you know he's not cheating and making you do the same will drain some guilt from him?Either he is under a lot of UNUSUAL stress or he's cheating as well.Better straighten some of this out before you get married.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 He told me last night why dont I just find a guy to screw around with on the side and maybe that will get me off his back. I actually asked him if he was serious and he didn't answer. He said he didnt' think it would bother him if I was sleeping with someone else as long as the guy was gone from our house by the time he got home from work. That was just a slap in the face. I feel like I mean NOTHING to him. How can someone not care if their SO was with someone else?? I'm almost tempted to do that just to show him not to say things if you don't mean them. but I could never cheat on him. Why Kathleen, does someone obviously as intelligent as you are literally need a truck to run over them to see the truth ? If this guy cared about you beyond your cooking, cleaning and on-call sex abilities would he suggest pimping you out to another man to relieve himself of obligation? Does that make you feel loved, regarded or cared about on any level? I get a sense that you see the truth behind all this but are afraid to act on it. I just don't understand why anyone would allow themselves to be treated this way, but that's your call... Mr. Lucky
Author Kathleen2260 Posted July 24, 2007 Author Posted July 24, 2007 Mr. Lucky, I agree with most of what you said. I do feel that sometimes I am only a glorified maid who sleeps with him but there are most other times (when he's not mad) that he is a very good sweet guy. I should point out that before he told me to go find some guy to screw around with to take the pressure off him, we were already arguing and I told him (out of anger and some truth) that having sex with him sucks and that he is selfish and I don't enjoy it and that I mostly do it for HIM. There was some truth in that (sometimes sex with him is over way too quickly or there is no foreplay at all and by the time he's finished I'm just getting into the mood and no where near being done. So its frustrating and feels very one sided. I posted a while back that I talked to him about this and he really made an effort for more foreplay and improvements and I loved it. I complimented him and praised him all the time and "rewarded him" by never turning him down and intitating it all the time as well. But once again he started slacking off in the bedroom (no foreplay because he takes blood pressure medication and he says he can't wait too long once he's arroused because he will have problems (never experienced this but he's afraid of it) but the problem with that is he gets arroused just by being close to me or by me wearing short shorts or something. So he's pretty much ready for sex at the drop of a hat and I'm not. but I can see why he said the hurtful comment he did becasue I insulted him first. I usually try to keep any argument free of putting the other person down but that is his way of fighting. When he's angry he says things that he knows will hurt. I guess I am used to that because my own dad was always that way.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 There was some truth in that (sometimes sex with him is over way too quickly or there is no foreplay at all and by the time he's finished I'm just getting into the mood and no where near being done. So its frustrating and feels very one sided. I posted a while back that I talked to him about this and he really made an effort for more foreplay and improvements and I loved it. I complimented him and praised him all the time and "rewarded him" by never turning him down and intitating it all the time as well. But once again he started slacking off in the bedroom (no foreplay because he takes blood pressure medication and he says he can't wait too long once he's arroused because he will have problems (never experienced this but he's afraid of it) but the problem with that is he gets arroused just by being close to me or by me wearing short shorts or something. So he's pretty much ready for sex at the drop of a hat and I'm not. but I can see why he said the hurtful comment he did becasue I insulted him first. I usually try to keep any argument free of putting the other person down but that is his way of fighting. When he's angry he says things that he knows will hurt. I guess I am used to that because my own dad was always that way. Well, he is relieved of the need to defend himself since he's got you to excuse his behaviour. Let's see, he: 1). Told you to find another lover. 2). Has no regard for your sexual satisfaction (I like the "my dick will explode if I don't come right away" excuse). 3). Has no interest in spending time with you. But that's all OK because on the few occasions when not pissed off, he's a "sweet guy". You seem to have really low expectations... Mr. Lucky
RIDINGTHEBULLS1 Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 If You Let Out Some Truth When You Are Angry, Why Do You Assume Your Husband Or Anybody Else Doesn't? I Really Don't Think Your Husband Cares If You F-ed Someone Else. He Doesn't Seem To Have That Much Emotion For You.yeah, Anybody Can Be A Nice Guy At Times. But Most Of The Time You Both Don't Seem To Get Along Or Reciprocate Loving Feelings.
RIDINGTHEBULLS1 Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 Lets see.. he's never home and doesn't like spending time with you.In other words, you are just a dramatic person and he doesn't want fights or he's getting some azz from someone else. I don't see any other reasons he would rarely be home. I think his excuses are full of crap and he's looking for a way out of your hellhole relationship.
child_of_isis Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 So, the sex is not even good. He is even too selfish to care if you enjoy it. To be truthful, I see nothing good in any of this. I'll keep it plain and simple...you are a doormat. And you will never be anything else to this guy. (besides the occassional unfulfilling quickie) Do yourself a favor...let this one go.Mr. Lucky, I agree with most of what you said. I do feel that sometimes I am only a glorified maid who sleeps with him but there are most other times (when he's not mad) that he is a very good sweet guy. I should point out that before he told me to go find some guy to screw around with to take the pressure off him, we were already arguing and I told him (out of anger and some truth) that having sex with him sucks and that he is selfish and I don't enjoy it and that I mostly do it for HIM.
Trialbyfire Posted July 27, 2007 Posted July 27, 2007 The term SO means significant other. He doesn't honestly appear to value you as a priority. Imagine life after/if you get married in 10 years time when you've got children and a husband/father, who disregards your every emotional need and expects you to work/be his maid service/take care of the children and give him soul-shattering nookie when you're laying exhausted, in bed. The guy is selfish. The more you do, the less he does. His actions say, I can do without you. In the past, at least you had a few words to keep you happy but now, even his words say, you're a convenience.
living ina crapworld Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 Why Kathleen, does someone obviously as intelligent as you are literally need a truck to run over them to see the truth ? If this guy cared about you beyond your cooking, cleaning and on-call sex abilities would he suggest pimping you out to another man to relieve himself of obligation? Does that make you feel loved, regarded or cared about on any level? I get a sense that you see the truth behind all this but are afraid to act on it. I just don't understand why anyone would allow themselves to be treated this way, but that's your call... Mr. Lucky hi there i think he does love you but men think that after they win you over in the begining that not much more effort is required. you need to consintrate on what you want and if he follows and you still want to be with him then great if not it sounds like every guy would want you you've got it all and dont forget that its not you that is the problem its him he needs a reality check. living ina crapworld xxx
OpenBook Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 You're not even married yet, and you already feel like a "glorified maid" and the sex sucks sometimes?? Whatever you do, don't marry him!!
Recommended Posts