ellastar Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 This site is fabulous. If anything, it makes me realize I am not alone. My bf and I have been together for a bit more than 2 years and we have been living together now for 8 months. He's turning 30 this year, I am in my mid 30's and he sites no reasons for him no longer having feelings for me. He just said, after a lack of intimacy for nearly 6 weeks, him not wanting to talk and me finally saying I had had enough, that he has had his doubts for some time, but was not ready to talk about them until he knew for certain what was wrong. I got the usual, "we fit so well together, I was the ideal woman for him and this was the best relationship ever, so I don't know why I am doing this" bit. But he said he is relieved for having finally told me and yesterday admitted, he feels it was the right decision. Unfortunately, we still live together. I moved here for a new job, selling my things and moving in with him. There was no talk about who would move out, but it became clear to me that I did not want to stay in the apartment with those memories. And in the area where I live, finding a suitable place is not so easy and I refuse to just take the first best thing. In fact, it looks as if I will be sharing this flat with him until the end of August. Obviously being dumped has hurt my pride. It seemed to come out of the blue. I was (still am) in love with him and thought we were on similar paths. In fact, he often spoke of family; whereas, I having my doubts, only recently let my guard down to accept that his could be a real possibility. Once, laying in bed on a Sat. afternoon, just relaxing, I said "can't you imagine a little one laying here between us", he replying "oh, you know how to ruin a nice moment". Shock! Prior to that, he was the one always saying I should not be afraid, for he would be there with me to help. I should add, before him I was in a nearly 8 year relationship with a man who would have been a great provider, a wonderful father, but a terrible husband & I realized, a solid partnership is my priority. Family, although a possibility, was not. I made this clear to my (just recent ex)bf. I thought he believed me. I'm just wondering what men, who break up for no reason at all, are really thinking when they do this? From one moment to the next their feelings have changed. A friend of his told me they had a conversation early June, where my (ex)bf said "I'm not even 30 yet. I'm too young for family and marriage. I still have so much I want to do first," citing me putting pressure on him to do this. I was floored. No pressure ever came from my side, but we just had returned from a 2 week family vacation in the US (we are both in Europe) and of course everyone loved him, asked us when were getting married and of course being around his 4 cousins (his age and younger) & their 11 kids where they were all "don't you want one too?", probably drove him over the edge. I laughed it off. I thought everyone was simply so silly. Yet, he broke it off with me citing "he did not know why. maybe in a few months he will. and maybe in a year he will call and admit he made a huge mistake." I know I need to leave him be. Believe me I want no contact right now, but it is not possible. I've deleted his mobile number and threw away photos of us from my wallet. I even threw away two we had of us in our bedroom, only to find he took them out to save them. I try to be neutral when we see each other, but he has the urge to chat about this and that. He's also told me I could take whatever I want from the apartment and he would help me financially get a new place. I just don't know how to begin the process of moving on while we still share a flat. And should I take his money? It will be expensive to set up a new place. I'll be depleting my savings & will now not be able to go home this fall.
funkybassplayer Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Dont take his money, at this stage you wanna show him and you that you can stand up on your own 2 feet, you dont need a huge flat at the mo, just somewhere to lay your head while you heal and figure out your next moves in life. I would do that just to get out and start moving on. As for what goes on in his head? Hard to say, but he feels he needs his freedom, and theres little you can do about that one but to let him have it, and you just leave him to it. Dont let yourself feel like you owe him, so just take whats yours, travel light, its gonna be a hard few months, but the faster you can move out the quiker you will begin to live your new life.
Author ellastar Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 ... you dont need a huge flat at the mo, just somewhere to lay your head while you heal and figure out your next moves in life. I would do that just to get out and start moving on. ... This is where I am torn. I know I need to move out quickly so I can start anew, but this town is now my home. I took on this job with the intention of staying here at least 2 years and this has not changed. And I want a nice place (50 sqm) to now call home. It's hard enough to be looking at flats every day and getting no work done, that I want to move once & only once and move on.
Author ellastar Posted July 21, 2007 Author Posted July 21, 2007 I know everyone talks about NC being the best option, but we still live in the same apartment (although he is sleeping on the couch and has the living room as his revier), so how do I behave? I'm trying to be casual and cool, friendly, but not overly chit-chatty (he seems to be the one starting converations with me, asking me about my weekend plans, how the apartment hunt is going & so on and so forth). We had our talk 2 weeks ago today. I'm torn now about wanting him back, but I know if I do, I have to do NC. Will this only start when I move out? And to be honest, he's shown me a side of himself I am surprised to see. I'm not sure if i would want him back knowing about this side of him, but I felt the relationship was good. I think he just got scared and panicked, but until he tells me what happened, I'll never truly know.
Turquoise Waters Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 Honestly I think you're coming up with excuses to be able to stay there in the apartment longer. When he keeps asking you "how is the apartment hunt going?" that is the same as him asking "When are you moving the hell out of here?" Find a liveable place and move out. Just get an apartment that is suitable enough and you can afford and get the hell out. He doesn't want to be with you, so the best thing is for you to move out and move on.
Author ellastar Posted July 30, 2007 Author Posted July 30, 2007 ...When he keeps asking you "how is the apartment hunt going?" that is the same as him asking "When are you moving the hell out of here?" ... I really don't believe that, in fact I think he does care about me and wants to make sure everything works out well. Does this help him feel less guilty? It doesn't matter. He's still got a good heart. Why he did what he did, only he will one day know, but it's no longer an issue. It won't make me feel any better either way if I knew why he did what he did. But he admitted last weekend he does not know what he wants and had I been 25 (he's 29, I'm 34), he would have strung it out longer (a bit or awhile, who knows), but because I am older than him, he felt it was only fair to do it now so that I would have a chance to find someone else. Someone else for what? To have a family with? Someone else who knows what they want? He finally opened up a bit, so I left it at that. As is, whenever I go out, he asks where I am going, with whom, etc. I'm glad he asks, honestly, for it just confirms he does care about me. If he did not, I'd feel crushed that he just wants to wipe me completely from his life. Can't move out until 01.09, until then we're flatmates. Ugh.
Author ellastar Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 If you can, then after a break up, you should not contact your bf at all. It's hard, but you heal so much quicker. I thought I was strong; he ended it 4 weeks ago. then last week, mid-week, I had a relapse, went and sat next to him on the couch and cried and asked how long he had been carrying around his doubts because it all happened so quickly. he said around 2 months and I just got sad and balled my eyes out some more, then got angry with him when he told me I need to concentrate on my life now, not his (I snapped "you're giving me relationship advice?"), told him how can I move on when he's always there, not doing anything different with his life which proves to me this decision was right. he just said it was a gut feeling that something was not right. he could not put it into words. i left before i got angrier. he said he would try to find somewhere to go, but the next morning I found somewhere to stay, so i left. I've been able to go away on vacation thsi weekend, when i get back, he'll be gone a week and then it's only a few more days after that until I can move out and really move on, without him in my life. he wants to help me move, i know i should let him, but i want to tell him, when he broke up with me, he chose not to have me in his life. that life, the old one is now over, so when i start my new life, i don't want him to be there either.
Chinook Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Ella - hate to say this but... I would lay money on him having someone either waiting in the wings or he has already started seeing them. That's why it happens so abruptly. Can't offer any help on the apartment advice because I don't know much about Germany but if I were you I'd be out of there asap.
tinke Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 i agree with chinook regarding someone else is probably in the picture. people tend to stray when someone new, exciting, and attentive comes around. it is a possibility.
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