lookingforlife Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 I REALLY need some advice here. I have posted once before... About 2 years ago I was going through a hard time in my life. Emotionally I was a little bit stunted and I was suffering from anxiety attacks and depression. I was also single. Then I met this guy. We became fast friends...took long drives, spoke about our lives (he also had problems). We had everything in common. This carried on for 2 months, and we eventually decided to hook up, even though we were both adamant that we were not ready to be in a relationship. At the time, it was actually exactly what both of us needed. It helped us both feel things again, and encouraged us to actually be happy. I did go through a period, in the first few months of our relationship that I wasn't actually that PHYSICALLY attracted to him, but, as time went by, the emotional attraction became so strong, that nothing else mattered. After a while, just as I felt I was beginning to heal properly, I began to realize more and more that his problems exceeded what I thought. He had extreme mood swings, was possessive...got angry easily, and very emotional...crying alot, and really NEEDING me. He had an opportunity to go study overseas for 4 months, and I waited for him. While he was over there things for him seemed so bleak in the emails he would send me...he then began to tell me that he wanted to move in with me and, eventually, get engaged. Although things were hectic and over-passionate between us, because of the various factors, I felt I loved him, and got excited about this prospect. He told me he loved me many times a day, and often told how beautiful and talented I was. I began to prepare for his return in my head. I guess you could say I was excited. When he returned from overseas, he seemed even worse than before...very emotionally fragile. And things from there just seemed to decline. I finally convinced him to go into therapy. He went to a psychologist, and I went with him. He was sent to a psychiatrist, went onto anti-depressant medication. 3 days later he broke up with me. He started to blame me for all these little things, and COMPLETELY blew them out of proportion. By this time, I was so emotionally invested in him, had gotten so used to looking after him...I did not know how to let go. (He was also my first REAL love, I think). We tried to remain friends. On and off we would be in contact, then no contact. We would fight as though we were still together. Eventually HE blocked MY number. A month after the breakup he has a new girlfriend, and says he is 'really happy' (not even considering the fact that I am dying inside). He never thanked me for all I did for him...throughout the breakup he just tried to make me feel as though it was MY fault. I feel so used, as though I got him through a rough patch in his life, so now he can throw me away, without a kind word, and get together with this, I'll admit, much bubblier, and more care-free person than me, which I can understand is what he perhaps needs right now. It is just the fact that I was COMPLETELY discarded, without thanks, recognition or care, but the COMPLETE opposite. I did not deserve that, after all I went through with him, and all I did. I am angry, and do not know where to direct these feelings. I can no longer direct them towards him. Help. Thanks for reading.
funkybassplayer Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 when read things like this it makes me feel sad for you, b/c i know how you feel. The same happened to me, she had many issues that she brought from her previous marrige, and i did my best to help her and her lost kids, so much so that it was mentaly driaing with no thanks from her, only resentment. She ended it, wanted to stay freinds, i wanted to walk, anyway a few days later she got a new man (she must have been chatting with him while we were together) She trew me aside like i ment nothing to her...i felt like you, all the mental energy and love that you show to them (and in my case her kids) and money etc, and they can walk away from you like we never even existed. Can i say this though, that i dont belive these people will ever be happy, and the same for her, she was telling me how he spends on her etc (stuff i could not do, but i took her kids on hols etc and spent what i could) and they go out clubbing (she never let me go) I had to hear stories of how she gets groped and chatted up! anyway i know this, dont look for answers from him, you will never get them, what you have to do is feel all the emotions and let them come, go into no contact right away, if yu have anything of his send it back, no note, then walk away. Show your strenth, and self respect and above all this action will help you heal. You can be sure of one thing, that as happy as they say they are, they are hording baggage around with them, and they are selfish. He has discarded you like i was b/c we have no further use any more to them. Please walk away, and be strong, eventually after n/c you will see this person for what he is. Im 2 months into n/c and i feel so much better, and i talk from exp on this. I feel great that im not trying to conatct her, and that she knows i can live without her, and that i showed self respect and dignity, in walking away from my love, and her 3 kids that i bonded with and she knew that. She didnt even give me the pleasure of saying bye to them, after all i done with them. Im sure one day they will wake up and see what they lost. Meanwhile do as i said, and keep posting, block his numbers and all other means of contact, do it now, for you.
Aliddy Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 feel great that im not trying to conatct her, and that she knows i can live without her What wise and true words Funky
funkybassplayer Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Thank you, i know what i say is true as i have sufferd so much over the loss, but i really do see light now, and i know who my true friends are as well. Things do get better, but you have to be strict with yourself over no contact, and if you get the urge do anything but call or you will be thrown right back to square 1. The whole point is to move forward and on in your life, but along the way, you will be proud of yourself for showing self respct, and deep down your ex will know who you were as a person, and whatever went down, one thing, they will know that you respect yourself. A great place to be.
London Girl Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 I can totally relate to both of you since I had a similar situation with my ex whom I met whilst he was going through a divorce. He was besotted with me, declared his love blah blah and then 3 years later he dumps me saying I'm not as bubbly like I used to be, fun, our relationship was too intense .... whilst during the time I was with him, I supported him, built up his self esteem/confidence and once he regained his confidence he dumps me and now I have not been in contact with him for 4 months! Like Funky says these people will not be truly happy in relationships because they are too selfish to admit their own flaws, always trying to seek an idealised relationship that just don't exist and will carry their issues baggage with them without dealing with their issues. These type just bury their head in the sand and think the only way to deal with things is to find someone else. I truly believe my ex thinks this way. Sometimes I get angry with my ex for putting my self esteem down but I still miss and love him and I'm hoping in time the pain will go away.
funkybassplayer Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Sometimes I get angry with my ex for putting my self esteem down but I still miss and love him and I'm hoping in time the pain will go away. Quote ITS SO unfair that people enter relationships with so much baggage,and we help them, and get trown aside. I had calls from her ex hubby and all sorts, at the start, and now i think she loved all the drama. One thing that always made me think was that she seemed to get off on the fact that her ex hunny could'nt let go of her. When he did, i dont think she would accept it, and always said he was'nt. This set alarm bells. I know now what sighns to look for in the future, cos im at that age, where many women are in this situation, but thankfully most have off loaded thier baggage, had the divorce and are ready to move on. Its nice to hear that from a girl. Unfortunatly, i fell in love with some1 who was no wayready, unyet at first made out she was. London girl, you will get over it and the anger will go, cos you will know that these people have mental issues, and they dont care who they hurt as long as they get what they want. Remember we are hurting today, unless they get sorted, thier later lives will be lonely, misrible and full of regreat. You take your time to move on, we cant say if we will ever find our soulmate, but be happy inside, and its a good way to find them, as they will come to us.
Author lookingforlife Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 Thanks for the feedback=) For me right now my self-esteem is the main issue. Right from the start, after the first moment when he broke up with me, I should have just walked away with my head held high, knowing that I did my best to help him, and was guilt free. But instead, what did I do? I basically BEGGED this person, who obviously turned out to be COMPLETELY selfish, to stay with me...and I then proceeded, when I finally realized a relationship was not possible, to kindof force a friendship. It ended up with ME seeming like an obsessive nut (which I'm NOT), and with him treating me with such disrespect. I am a reasonably strong person and these actions confuse me...I felt so hopeless and detached after we were no longer together...I felt as though I needed to be with him. Perhaps it gave me a sense of purpose, to be helping him and taking care of him? I don't know, I am just SO angry with him, and also with myself, for acting the way I did. For not just walking away with dignity. I suppose we all learn from relationships and the mistakes we make. At least I will be prepared for the next time I am faced with a situation like this. I have to keep on telling myself this. So, yes, my problem right now is trying to find a way of regaining my confidence in me...something I can do to show myself, and perhaps others, that I AM strong, healthy and independent. Cos, Lord knows, right now I feel pretty helpless and lost, although you wouldn't know it to look at me. I have been out and about since the breakup, but I can't seem to feel comfortable being just me...I know time will bring this back. I am just so frustrated. Thanks again for reading my post and giving my some hope=)
Author lookingforlife Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 London Girl, we are on exactly the same page here! It's like I got so attached to him and the relationship, because of the very fact that he told me he loved me so much, and how special and beautiful I was...and then, just when all my hard work culminated, he said, sorry, you're too intense!...I'M too intense?! I was the one who had to put up with all of his freak-outs, and then I'M the one who is too intense! We have to just let these silly boys go, and find people who cherish, love and care about how WE are feeling, as opposed to people who only care about themselves, and their own happiness!
London Girl Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 You will go through a mixture of emotions Lookingforlife - sadness, anger, feeling lost, despair etc. I'm currently seeing a cognitive behavioural therapist and what I've learn't is that we are not to blame and that we should concentrate on making ourself happy so that we can become a stronger person, learn from our mistakes and change our behaviour in order that we are happy to embark on a new healthy relationship. I was FWB with my ex for one year doing everything to please him and what he wanted and he gave me so many mixed signals. I never told him I thought he is selfish, a spoilt prat etc because I was scared it would ruin our chances of reconcillation and I did not want to hurt this feelings, despite him hurting my feelings, telling me I was not this, I was not that blah blah and yes he blamed everything on me and contradicted everything he said. Even though your ex has jumped into another relationship - I don't think it will be a happy one - she will have to put up with his hot and cold behaviour/emotions! I bet you he will contact you again once things go wrong with the relationship since it is you who has supported him! Your ex just sounds like mine, someone with issues, selfish and with the mental age of a child. Always wanting things his own way, ungrateful and when the tough gets going - he would rather walk instead of sitting down and talking like adults to resolve the problem. Just like you I feel so angry especially after all the effort, love, time and support I gave him, his family and friends and what do I get in return? Childish comments and him dragging my self esteem down. This guy told me he could not imagine having kids with me because he said perhaps he is a racist, yet he is now on a dating site, looking at black, asian ... girls! This guy tells me I'm not relaxed enough but yet his ex wife had an obsessive compulsory disorder! Said I was too intense yet he was buying me flowers, taking me away on holidays, telling me how much he loves me. I've now come to the conclusion that it is not me but him! Someone who perhaps wants to play the field and see if the grass is greener - well good luck to him I say. Don't let people like this get to you. Build up your confidence and realise you are a great catch and our exes are the losers!
funkybassplayer Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 I dont think these people will return to us, b/c as they discard us, they will discard the next and move on, as they dont have the same emotions, or at leat put thier emotions to the back of there mind to worry about old flames, and if they do, its only till they find their next fix. You cant hold a grudges, as we were there too, and it was up to us to walk from what was not a good relationship. I in fact did, but went back to her, only for her to end it a month later. Best thing is to leave them alone, and have nothing more to do with them, at least for a good few months, when you are over them, but while you have any feelings, stay away. Remember how nice they wre to you at the begining? Then only after you see the dark side Right? you will see that nice side again if they enter your lives.
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