fiyah Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 I've been with my gf for almost four years now. It started out great - we had a lot of fun together, our personalities clicked, and we seemed to have some common general interests. But as time has passed, I feel like we don't really connect on a deeper level or know if we share similar interests or goals in life. We've broken up twice (for this, but other reasons, too) and gotten back together twice (because when we were apart, our differences just seemed minimized and our similarities maximized). Now, our relationship feels really lackluster to me - sex is still great, but minimal passion besides that. When we are together (we live 150 miles away and see eachother most weekends) we mostly just watch TV/movies and eat because we don't really share similar interests. Often, I feel way more connected to other friends of mine (not romantically) that i work with, have similar hobbies with, or are involved in other projects and passions of mine. When i think long-term, i want my partner in life to be my soul-mate and really connect on that deeper level of sharing common values, beliefs, dreams, hobbies, etc. My gf says that i just want a carbon copy of myself. I am confused. I love her, but i don't know if she is really my soul-mate, or if my whole conception of a soul-mate is just an unrealistic fantasy that has become part of my warped view of relationships. We tried breaking up twice, and each time, my perspective on this issue totally and completely changed when we were apart. What's going on. Help.
jcster Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 I'm not sure if I believe in soul mates, but compatibility is very, very important. Have you always been in a long distance relationship with this person? That may be part of the reason you aren't "clicking" right now. There's no continuity to the relationship when you only see each other on weekends. It takes a lot of work to keep relationships vibrant. People change and grow, and they don't always grow in the same direction. Common ground has to be continually recreated. I don't see how you can do that with the amount of time that you spend together.
quankanne Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 sounds like y'all hit a plateau in your relationship, and instead of staying apart to gain more experience as individuals (personal growth), you decided to return to a familiar situation – i.e., back with each other – only to repeat the same cycle. But that seems to be a normal response with people who have invested a lot of time together in a relationship. what makes me wonder is what you've said about your differing perceptions about ideal relationships (I won't use the term "soul mates" because I don't believe that they should be pinholed into a romantic sense): i want my partner in life to be my soul-mate and really connect on that deeper level of sharing common values, beliefs, dreams, hobbies, etc. My gf says that i just want a carbon copy of myself. I am confused. wanting someone you're compatible with isn't asking for a carbon copy, it's a way of ensuring that the commitment you plan to make with this person is based on solid ground. Yes, there are some couples who seemingly don't belong together because they are so different you don't think their personalities would mesh, but inevitably, there is a common ground that keeps them together. you and she aren't on the same page (duh, quank!); y'all really should discuss why you keep returning to a relationship if the goals are not the same but you see each other as potential lifemates. Or even just semi-long-term relationship material. personally speaking, I don't think that DH and I would have survived this long if we hadn't found common ground because even though we come from such contrasting backgrounds (socially, economically, racially, spiritually), we think on such a similar wavelength that it's eerie. And we *never* discussed these kinds of things while dating!
Author fiyah Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 thanks for the input. we lived in the same city the first year, and then i moved for work about 150 miles away since then. and to clarify, by soul-mates, i don't mean that i believe that there is one person out there and only one that is my perfect match or anything like that, i just mean that i want my partner to be someone that i can say that i intimately know them - what they are really about, their core, their "soul", whatever you wanna call it - and know that they really know me, too. i guess another question i always ponder is how much can a couple work on a relationship to get to that compatible stage - is it something that you can build up, or is it just something that is innate? we are trying to seek couples therapy in the near future, so i'm hoping that it may be something that we can work on.
Trialbyfire Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Ah, I think I can relate to what you're saying. While the term soul-mate makes me cringe, what you want is not only a lover but a close friend. As for the compatibility portion, some has to be innate, some based on your environmental foundations and the balance, hard work. Good luck with your counseling. If you go into counseling hoping for a magical cure, it will not work. If you go into it, to acquire the tools to handle unfamiliar situations, it works like a hot damn.
Turquoise Waters Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Seriously, you need to take a risk and just break up with her, cold turkey. What you are describing is a man who has fallen out of love with their girlfriend. Your girlfriend is fighting this because she doesn't want to be single and on the market again. Sorry but a good relationship isn't two people keeping each other company for the weekend because of good sex and nothing else to do. Break up with her and go no contact, it's the only way to escape this situation. It will actually be easier since you live 150 miles away. It is better to be alone for a while, but you will meet someone who you do feel the passion for. Since you aren't married and don't have kids, I see absolutely no reason to stay in this relationship. It has been four years and you are having doubts, and you have even broken up a couple times before. Time to cut loose for good. You should have been at least engaged by now in four years. Sorry to be so straight, but you have two options. 1. Stay in a boring relationship with a woman you are not in love with or 2. Break up and find someone you really feel the passion with. Once you meet that person, you will want to marry that person fairly soon, not keep her waiting for 4 years.
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