Star Gazer Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 (I coulda swore I already started a thread about this, but it seems to have disappeared!) One of the two guys I'm dating right now just suffered to huge losses on Tuesday. I learned of the first one during our date on Tuesday night - his most beloved pet had died earlier that day. He said he had thought about canceling, but was looking forward to seeing me but didn't. I told him it would have been perfectly fine if he had canceled - I totally understand what it's like to lose a pet. The next day (yesterday), I sent him a message thanking him again for dinner and expressing my condolenses for his loss. He wrote back thanking me, and let me know that he found out that morning that his Grandmother had just died too (while we were at dinner the night before)! Two huge losses for him in the same day! I'm a complete idiot when it comes to death and expressing sympathy. I never know what to do, what to say...and that's with people I know and are already friends with. But I just started dating this guy, which makes it even more difficult for me. I don't want to do/say too much especially, but don't want to look like a heartless monster either. I've told him I'm very sorry for his loss, but beyond that, what can I do?? What is more, now if/when I don't hear from him for a while, I'm bound to wonder, "Is it me, or is it the saddness...??" Any advice?
JeanQueen Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Well, first off I think you've really done all you can do as far as expressing your condolences. Since you've just started seeing each other there isn't a whole lot more to do but just be there if he feels like talking. I'm bad at expressing sympathy and dealing with that kind of thing to, but as long as what you said was honest and came from the heart I'm sure he appreciates your thoughts. Secondly, don't jump to any conclusions about what to do if he doesn't call you for a while. I think in this situation you can safely assume that if he's not calling you as much it is because he's dealing with family stuff/not in the mood for a date at the moment. I know being a girl myself, I would also have that nagging question as to why he's not in contact, but don't even give it a second thought. It is kinda crappy that all this had to happen right when you guys were getting to know each other...I feel bad for the guy
lonelybird Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 It's not you, he must deal with the loss now. Don't try to blame everything on you when you are dating I'm a complete idiot when it comes to death and expressing sympathy. I am same way, even worse. When my ex told me his mother died, I told him that how beautiful heaven is, how happy people there, and told him that his mother probably is doing something she alwasy loved to do. Well, seemed this comforts scared him much:p But people will understand. He did.
alphamale Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 you already gave your condolences so you don't need to do anything else. it you feel like it you can mail him a card (no, not an e-card)... when my ma died 10 yrs ago the woman I was with at the time send me a card. it was a nice gesture but i ended up dumping her 6 wks later cause dating someone was too much at the time for me.
allina Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 I'm bad at the deep emotional stuff as well. Even here on LS when someone posts something sad/tragic I tend to stay away, not because I my heart doesn't go out to them but because I have no idea what to say. I would just tell your guy "I'm here for you if you need, but don't worry about taking some time if you want to be alone" or something like that. That was he knows you care but doesn't feel like he's obligated to socialize when his spirits aren't up to it.
Trialbyfire Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 SG, here's what I do when something like this happens to someone I care about. I cook them something they enjoy eating and bring it over, to either share with them for a meal or if they're not up to company, leave it there with a few hugs and the knowledge that here's a shoulder to cry on, if need be. If you don't want to cook, pick up or order something but make sure you're the delivery person. People sometimes forget to eat when they're grieving harshly. Call first but be prepared to be rejected though. Once again, not everyone wants company during this time.
alphamale Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Even here on LS when someone posts something sad/tragic I tend to stay away, not because I my heart doesn't go out to them but because I have no idea what to say. you can say: "I really don't know what to say."
Art_Critic Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 you already gave your condolences so you don't need to do anything else. it you feel like it you can mail him a card (no, not an e-card)... when my ma died 10 yrs ago the woman I was with at the time send me a card. it was a nice gesture but i ended up dumping her 6 wks later cause dating someone was too much at the time for me. I'm with Alpha on this one A card would be nice.. sent to him. I also had the same experiences as Alpha with dating after my Dad died and then again after my Step-Mom died.
alphamale Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 I also had the same experiences as Alpha with dating after my Dad died and then again after my Step-Mom died. I think SG is ok on that front though, mainly cause the dog/grandma combo usually isn't as traumatic as a parent dying.
allina Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 you can say: "I really don't know what to say." I feel like that isn't heartfelt enough at times. Though I myself don't like when people huge me and go "omg I'm so sorry" SG, sorry if this is OT but I want to share an experience that really helped me in a hard situation. I lived in a big house with 3 guys for many years. During this time I ended my first, real, adult relationship. It was hard but I felt like I needed to do it. The next day I found out that my uncle, who I was close to and loved dearly died in a very tragic way. The night I found out it all hit me pretty hard, it was sometime during the week and my roomie was getting ready for bed. I came to him and he could tell I needed to talk, when I told him what happened he handed me a beer and said he'd stay up with me for a few hours and watch whatever show I wanted. It helped me more than you could imagine, I'm not emotional and can't cry on someone's shoulder but him taking time and wanting to cheer me up helped a lot and got my mind off of things. I guess what I'm trying to say is we all look for comfort i different ways.
alphamale Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 I feel like that isn't heartfelt enough at times. its the most heartfelt cause you're being 100% honest. i've used it a few times myself and it works great!
huh Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 Some people want to be alone when they're grieving, others want company. When my dad passed away, my friends were there for me by be willing to go to movies, invite me to dinner at their places or bring dinner over to mine. We didn't necessarily talk about the grief or loss, but it was a diversion from the sadness. Maybe you can suggest something when things quiet down a bit, but say you understand if he's not up to it to ease any pressure.
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