Hurt & Alone Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 I am hoping that someone can provide me with some insight of how to cope with the current situation that I have found my self in. I will try to keep this as short as possible. I have known this MM for 7.5 years, actually he is my boss. Throughout the years he has witnessed my failed relationships, including my divorce (2 years ago). For the most part we did not communicate very much, at least up until the last nine months maybe. I am not to sure when he started becoming interested in me, I could never pin point a time frame, but sometime after he knew that my ex-husband and I could not work things out. He would joke with me about a dress I wore once. It was a little to revealing for office attire, but; I did not realize that until after I wore it. It was later known as my “booby dress”. We joked back and forth about it and then one day I thought I had pissed him off in the middle of a staff meeting when a question came up about the dress attire for an upcoming event. I was a smart ass and brought up dresses. Anyway, after I sent him an e-mail (I think) apologizing about it. He replied back that he had no problem with the dress, but it was not for work and he would have told me sooner but he didn’t want me to consider it sexual harassment. The discussion continued the next day outside, when he said he wanted to see a picture of me in the dress. I did not take him serious so throughout the day we e-mailed each other joking about it. After much talking about it I sent him the pic of me in the dress. He replied he wanted to see more. I thought I would be cute and show a little more, thinking I would turn his face red. But then he replied again more. I obliged (of course this was all in fun, or so I thought). This started our daily and nightly text messaging. In our conversations many things we said to one another, to tell you the truth it flattered me and turned me on at the same time. One thing led to another and the next thing we knew we were seeing each other a lot. I loved being with him and he said he wanted to be with me. I should add here that he never once said he would leave his wife and I knew he would not but, I never expected him to. I told him this many time “it is what it is” and we both knew when I found someone or he walked away it would be over. Feelings for one another developed or at least on my part even though I fought the truth back for awhile. He stated in many different forms that he cared for me. One day we were out and I knew he was frustrated and I told him to walk away from me because I could see him suffering. His words to me were “I cant walk away from you because we work together and I would see you everyday and it would hurt me not being with you” I replied to him “What does that mean” and he stated “I guess I love two women”. Many things long the line was stated. I knew I looked forward to any time that we could be alone together and he would go out his way to see me when he could. This relationship took place over a 3.5 month span (physical relationship). One day I received a phone call from his wife and it has been living hell since that day. She has called me multiple times, sent many text messages pretending to be him and has even showed up. Even though they had started counseling she wont things rest. She has begged me to take him in. I told her no (even though I would in a second). Seven weeks later hell gets worse. My problem is that now he won’t look at me, acknowledge me anything. Almost like this is my fault. It bothers me because of the feeling I continue to have. It bothers me that he gets hell at home, comes into work and gets it from me (because of her constant communication). She has sent me flowers twice to the office from him and once so far from me to him. We both know each other is not doing it. He had send things in the past and done things in the past that I can not just flip a light switch and turn off and this is what he is doing. She has even stated that we had a relationship and her husband does not do a fling. I think she knows how he felt even though I would try to protect him and make it less than what it was. The relationship is over event the friendship we once had. Memories that continue to haunt me include the things he would say to me, the way he made love to me, hold me and treat my three year old daughter. I believed that he had feelings, what I do not understand is shutting them off nor can I deal with him purposely avoiding me. Yes the relationship is done but I think I deserve more than how he is currently treating me. Every moment of every day I continually think about our past moments. It hurts but I can cope until she has contact with me again and it is like re-opening wounds. I can’t move on and I especially can not handle the no communication. He stated we had to go back to just co-workers and had to forget about knowing each other the way we do, but co-workers as we were before does not exist. Please advise how to deal with this.
angel3 Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 You might find you get more replies and support on the OW/OM board - good luck.
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 I hate to say it, but you might want to start looking for another job. The emotional stress will eventually take it's toll on you and if you want to completely heal and get away from the drama around you, leaving your job is the only way. NC (no contact) with him has to happen, otherwise you'll be stuck in the rollercoaster for a long time.
Mrs.C. Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Regardless of how intent he was in honoring or not honoring his marriage, what about honoring yourself and NOT being an interloper into another's relationship and never bringing him around your daughter? Keep the job you've got - but get a part time one at at a self-esteem factory. No intelligent woman with any level of confidence goes in to work "unknowingly" dressed inappropriately. Save the cleavage and the high slit for a singly guy who asks you to lunch and earns a glance on your way out of his nice-ass car. Seriously, you get what you settle for. In this case - a married man who can't even look you in the eye.
FireandIce Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 He's avoiding you because he wants to stay with his wife. Did you honestly think once the two of you were found out that you'd continue being friends? He doesn't want to leave his wife, he just wants a side dish on the side and that was you. Now that he's been caught he wants to avoid you so he doesn't get in crap again. As for his wife, well I'm not sure what she's getting out of sending you flowers and such (very strange) but right now she's hurting a whole lot more than you are, trust me. Her whole world has been torn apart because her husband couldn't keep it in his pants after seeing some chick at the office in a dress. My advice to you is to either find another job or get over it.
Lynna Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Really, take Angel's advice and go post on the OM/OW board - this forum is for betrayed spouses, and I can tell you personally that some of us don't have a whole lot of support for the other side of the story right now. Some betrayed spouses are able to be supportive and they go to the OM?OW forum to give advice there. But, I will try to respond as supportively as possible since you did post here. About the way the BW is acting (which is why I assume you posted here) - she is hurting VERY bad. The affair has revealed that the life she thought she was living and the man she thought she was married to were both LIES. Her life is now a living hell and you both were contributing factors to it. She is not reacting with logic right now, she is reacting with pain, humiliation, anger, and the desire to hurt him and you as much as she has been hurt. No, her behavior may not make any sense at all as it is based in her reaction to the intense pain she is feeling. As for you - you entered into an A with a married man saying from the start you knew he would not leave his wife. You consciously chose to continue to engage in behavior that led you to this point, now you have to face the consequences of those choices. He has broken off contact with you, therefore, if you care about him at all, it is time for you to move on. Your are hurting him more by trying to insist he not drop you completely. He MARRIED his wife, he chose his life with her. He NEVER told you he would get divorced. He and his wife must choose whether they are going to work on their marriage or not. You need to stay out of it, it is none of your business, and you should never have come between them. Get a new job, get new phone numbers, etc. and move on with your life. Seriously think about some counseling as well! Examine WHY you made these choices, especially involving your daughter in this! I have NO IDEA why you EVER introduced him to your young daughter, what kind of example is that to her! Oh, here honey, meet and become friends with this man Mommy is sleeping with but can't ever be a Daddy to you since he is married to someone else. Get counseling to help prevent you from hurting your own daughter by making choices like you have. And go shopping for APPROPRIATE work attire for your new job.
happiness2007 Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 Dear Hurt and Alone, I too had found myself in a similar situation, for at the job I was in my boss came onto me and later I married him. In as much later I found out he had been coming onto my bestfriend as well. Before we had married he had also told me he loved two women. I did not know what to do. As you know we married but this suspcion kept going on. My best friend and I parted and it has put quite a strain on my marriage for he doesn't know that I know. I had tried to contact my friend but will not talk. I think all in all we both have been played. I still try to make my marriage a go for I love him and wish that my friend would back out of the picture for she knew that we were married. I do not want her to make the mistake like I did and follow in those foot steps. Sometimes peoople come along and they are not whom they seem to be. My once boss whom is my husband now showed me every level of sex there was and then he startred backing off. I do not know what to tell you but you only have a few friends in your lifetime and I would suggest you make amends with her and back off fo the other situation.
quiet1one1 Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 Really now, be honest with yourself...how did you think this was going to turn out? He wants to stay in his marriage and the ONLY way for that to work is if he breaks off all contact with you. He does not even want to deal with you at work but for now he has to. For the sake of yourself and your daughter, give in and get as far away as possible. You're obviously attractive - find someone who's available. By the way, IMHO everything his wife is doing and feeling is in-bounds. She's absolutely torn apart and is experiencing thoughts and feelings she never knew she was capable of - plus, you both deserve it. Just another example of how "electronic communication" is ruining our society. You two would probably never have gotten anywhere if you didn't have a computer or cell phone to hide behind and you had to say those things face-to-face. Oh, I gotta agree with Mrs. C - you didn't know the dress was inappropriate for work? Please.
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