aclemons Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Ok, this is my first post here, but do not have anyone that is unbiased in their opinion to ask this about. This post may be a bit long, but I wanted everyone to have all the details. About 2 1/2 years ago, I met a wonderful girl when living in Florida. We began dating and it turned exclusive after about 3-4 months. For the record, I am 30 now, college grad, ex-military, and had to grow up quickly. She is now 23, and is very family oriented, and was still living at home, high school grad. After dating about 10 months, I had a job offer in the mountains of North Carolina that was going to give a 50% pay raise and a reduction in cost of living. She and I visited the area together for a week, and I asked if she would be interested in moving with me. She was very excited as was her family and said yes. We moved a few weeks later with her parents support both emotionally and financially. Throughout the first year after the move, everything was great. We got along perfectly, she found a decent paying job, and mine was going excellent. We both picked up snowskiing for the winter and I purchased a boat for trips to the local lake in the summer. She made a few nice friends and seemed very happy. Things began to change slowly over time, however, and she began to miss Florida and her family more and more. As this happened, she became increasingly moody and was genuinly in a foul mood more days of the week than not. Unfortunatly, this also caused me to become upset as well. No loud arguments or anything, just not a happy atmosphere. She was crabby, which caused me to become grouchy with her as well. I probably should have been more comforting, but I was not. Eventually, bedroom life drifted from almost daily, to a couple times a month, and I began spending more and more time at work. At the beginning of the summer, she was offered a summer job back in Florida near her family and we agreed that it would be best for her to go as it was only 3 months and maybe we could use the time apart. Now, as that job nears an end in about 3 weeks, she is talking about not being sure if she wants to come back. She still loves me, or at least says she does, and seems honest. I love her as well, but was not happy towards the end of her time here. She has asked me to move back to Florida with her, but I do not want to give up the great life here. I love this part of the country, and the job is the career I have always dreamed of. We both love each other very very much but I worry if I convince her to move back here to North Carolina, she will continue to be unhappy and take it out on me. Is there any hope for this to work? Her parents are telling her to move back, that they will visit often (the have already), and that I am the right guy for her. I would love to live my life with her, and was in the process of looking for engagement rings when the relationship began to sour. I would move back to Florida with her one day down the road if the right circumstances were to arise, but not anytime soon. Any advise would be greatly appreciated. At this time, I am just waiting on her to decide what she wants to do, and will accept any choice she makes, as I would rather lose her and she be happy than keep her and have her be unhappy. Sometimes I feel insulted though, as I feel she is choosing a location over me. Yet I can also understand how she may feel the exact same way.
JeanQueen Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 I think this is a choice she is going to have to make for herself. All you can do is let her know that you would like her to come back. She will have to decide on her own what she wants to do. Don't look at it like she is choosing a location over you though. She misses her family and friends and was feeling isolated in North Carolina. Homesickness is a very tough emotion to deal with. I may be off base here but, she may also have other doubts about the relationship and feels it's easier to just blame it on the distance from home.
Author aclemons Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 I appreciate the feedback. I was also wondering the same as your comment in regards to their being another underlying reason that she is not wanting to face.
jcster Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 That's a tough situation. I can't help but think about it from her perspective though. She's very young. You've had the benefit of being able to decide for yourself what you want to do - just for you. You went in the service, you found a dream job, doing what you want to do. At this point, she has done none of this. She's barely begun her life. I think that deep down, she wants to have the opportunity to grow into her own life. The best thing I think that you can do is be patient. Let her decide on her own what she wants. If you manage to cajole her into rejoining you, you will still face this same problem down the road - but it will be 10 times worse. If it's meant to be, it will happen - but you have to let her decide.
Author aclemons Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 If you manage to cajole her into rejoining you, you will still face this same problem down the road - but it will be 10 times worse. . This is one of my major concerns.
mattea Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Sometimes I feel insulted though, as I feel she is choosing a location over me. Yet I can also understand how she may feel the exact same way. I feel that this is an important point. She is not chosing location over you any more than you are chosing it over her. Well, not just location, but all the things that go along with that location that make your life fulfilling (job, friends, family - whatever is most important to you). i mean, what if someone was to ask you whether you'd lose her rather than move to be with her... it sounds like you would. i can empathize with her a bit and have respect for the fact that family is so important to her. i moved really far away from my parents when i was about 21, and i've live this far from them for 13 years now. it's hard because they are getting older and i don't see them much, and i fear i will regret not having spent more time with them when they are gone. her family is just part of it, i know. and perhaps some of what other people said has some validity - that she needs to carve out her own path the way you got to before you two met. or maybe there are more issues than you're aware of. i'm sorry, it does sound really hard waiting for her to make the decision, but i agree that you can't try to convince her one way or the other, other than letting her know that you love her and it is what you want for her to return.
Author aclemons Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 Thanks for the comments, mattea. It is a difficult situation as the issues I have can be reversed when looking at it from her point of view, which makes it a no win situation. My thinking, though it may be different from her and others, is that while it is difficult to move away from family, once you are an adult it is then your time to make your own life and own family together with the one you love. Below in the quote from you, you say that it was a very difficult time for you to move from your family, but you did indeed move. i can empathize with her a bit and have respect for the fact that family is so important to her. i moved really far away from my parents when i was about 21, and i've live this far from them for 13 years now. . It was difficult for me to be away from home both in the military and in college, but I knew that as I grew up, I needed to make my own life. My views may be different than many others though. I can understand how some people grow up with family being a manditory item in their lives, and that moving even a few blocks away is just not in the cards.
jcster Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 once you are an adult it is then your time to make your own life and own family together with the one you love. Sure, but she's joining you in YOUR life, not hers. She hasn't even started on hers yet.
mattea Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 hi again aclemons, i know what you mean about the time coming to making your own life, with a partner if you so chose, once you are an adult. actually, at the time that i moved away, my relationship with my parents wasn't the best and i lived in a place where i felt really stiffled and and i still actually really dislike that town. moving was really the best thing i could have done, and i've grown more than i can say and more than i ever would have there. that said, if i didn't despise where my family now lives, and *love* so much where i live now, i would probably move back there to be close to them. because i do have a good relationship with them now, and because they are getting older and i rarely get to see them. it's been hard for me over the years, struggling with feeling i'm not spending enough time with them and also feeling like my life and my home is where i am now. so my situation is quite different than your girlfriend's, because it sounds like she is actually happy living where they live, *and* she gets to be near her family and probably long time friends. in lots of other cultures, people don't often move so far away from their families when they get older or find jobs elsewhere or get married, like we do here. i don't think there is really anything "right" or "wrong" with deciding or wanting to stay near your parents *and* have a life/family of your own, which i think is possible. likewise, there isn't anything "right" or "wrong" about moving and staying away, if that is what is right for you. it's an individual decision, and it seems that right now she is struggling with the decision. i'm sorry that you feel it is a no win situation. maybe it's true that you are at an impasse, if you both just don't feel you can leave the places/jobs/people where you are currently respectively living in favor of keeping your relationship together. that's really tough
Author aclemons Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 jcster, I see your point, and you are right. Mattea, I didn't realize that your family life when younger was different, so it obviously does make a difference as you stated. When I ask her what she likes and doesn't like about Florida and North Carolina, she has all positives and al negatives for the two respectivly. This makes me wonder if there isn't an underlying issue that I am unaware of and that she is not telling me.
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