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he left me for her - and i think he had planned it all along

shattered&confused

By shattered&confused
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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shattered&confused Member

shattered&confused

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It has been 9weeks for me. I understand 100% I just know that you have to take extra care of yourself right now. For me weeding in the yard, keeping up on the laundry, cleaning up my house are all things that make me feel alittle better. On a another note are you in touch with him or are you doing NC.

 

TO: MARAC43

 

Regarding your question about whether i'm doing NC (=no contact) - I am. i got burned when i was in college by a guy who i mutually broke-up with, but owed me money ($500 which was a lot for a college student far away from home), and had left this his Technics speaker at my place. i was already hurt but i had felt that i should get my money back from him and i also wanted him to get the dumb speaker outta my place. i spent the next 2 months after that trying to contact him (calling him at home and showing up at his work place) to get my money back and get him to commit to a time he'd pick up his speaker. well, he was avoiding me so you can imagine how much of a hell that was for me at that age (18), all the while trying to mend my broken heart (first real boyfriend). to make matters worse, when i did reach him he would promise he'd meet me with the money and then stand me up. bad bad period for me. so bad that i vowed i would never ever put myself through that prolonged pain again. nothing is ever more important than sanity.

 

So, i will never call him - especially since he cheated on me and then left me for her. So if anyone calls anyone it should be him calling me to at least see if i've managed to put back the pieces. But as i mentioned in a past post - he hasn't even bothered to call me to see if i'm still alive - we spent 3 years together, we had talked about getting engaged next year, he betrayed my trust and i know he knows how i shattered i feel right now because we used to consider each other our best friend - but he still hasn't bothered to call me.

 

To be frank, i've been a bit jealous of the posts i've read - other people whom were in long term 2-5 year relationships and living together or are divorced seem to all have had their exes at least call them once afterwards to see how the other was coping. whereas i have had to deal with the reality of everything all at once (he moved out all of his stuff out of our apartment within 48 hrs of me finding out about his cheating and i haven't heard from him since) - no grace period - i have simply been discarded... makes me feel like the last 3 years i put in with him mean nothing to him at all now cause he just left to go to his new love and then forgot about me...:(

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shattered&confused Member

shattered&confused

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TO: MARAC43

So, i will never call him - especially since he cheated on me and then left me for her. So if anyone calls anyone it should be him calling me to at least see if i've managed to put back the pieces.

 

WOW! i can't believe i wrote that post! I must be feeling stronger :p

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shattered&confused Member

shattered&confused

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TO: GREENCOVE

 

Don't think of yourself as wallowing. Think of yourself as human.

 

You're not alone! You're not abnormal! Be glad that you're vulnerable enough to feel love, and feel the accompanying anguish when love is lost.

 

Thank you for saying that, GREENCOVE. it's hard to believe sometimes that what i am feeling is normal and i am just being human. i've talked to so many friends who were all understanding during the first week then sounded shocked that i was still so depressed when they talked to me during the 2nd week. you can imagine some of the responses i've been getting recently considering 3 weeks have passed... especially the few that i told about me calling the Crisis hotline last week...!

 

Hang in there, S&C. I'm wishing some of us lived in the same city so we could organize a "Group Wallow"--where we could just vent how we're struggling and what we're doing to cope and just support each other during this difficult time, in a way our busy, perhaps happily married friends just can't. You're not alone! :bunny:

 

I agree with you GREENCOVE. I wish we could all meet once a week and give each other the understanding and support we need in person too. but as we can't, at least i'm happy we can communicate here. i don't know what i would've done without you and all the other kind people who have posted on this thread. I thought i was going crazy. I thought I was the only one who felt this way. You don't know how relieved i am to discover that i am really not alone. :o

underpants Established Member

underpants

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I know you are still hurting and confused. Sorry, hugs.

 

At least you got a glimpse into his character before you did marry him. He probably will contact you again at some point in the future. Be thankful for this silent time and use it to really analyse some things about ....him, you and figure out what it is that you really want and character traits that you simply cannot compromise on. If you use this time wisely you can really come out of this a stronger, wiser person capable of finding and being a better partner on a higher rung.

 

Regards,

Unders

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shattered&confused Member

shattered&confused

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Don't care more for a guy more than he does you, hun. You are just as good as he is, so go out and find youself someone that will treat you like you should be treated.

 

TO: LEAN ON ME

 

Thank you for your post. i understand what you say about finding someone that will treat me like i should be treated. its just that, i really thought he was treating me right. 3 years - i thought i had a good guy. he had always been so upset when he heard about other people cheating on their spouses - i would never had expected this. as i said in my first post - i even felt guilty checking his text messages. i feel like such a fool... :(

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shattered&confused Member

shattered&confused

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I know you are still hurting and confused. Sorry, hugs.

 

At least you got a glimpse into his character before you did marry him. He probably will contact you again at some point in the future. Be thankful for this silent time and use it to really analyse some things about ....him, you and figure out what it is that you really want and character traits that you simply cannot compromise on. If you use this time wisely you can really come out of this a stronger, wiser person capable of finding and being a better partner on a higher rung.

 

Regards,

Unders

 

TO: UNDERPANTS

 

Thank you for your kind words. However i have a feeling that he won't ever try to contact me again. i read his text messages to her - he said he loved her and they were having ... text sex... my god you don't know how shattered i felt reading that! i never even expected to find anything on his phone, especially not this! and apparently he was waiting till i was asleep and in the washroom to text her. he said he loved her. he even admitted to me that he loves her more than me. and the fact that he was trying to breakup with me before i discovered his cheating.. i now understand that he just wanted to be free of me to go to her. i almost think that i did him a favor by finding out about his affair - he could finally be free to go to her... i don't think he's ever gonna contact me again in the future. i think he's happy to finally be free of me :(

underpants Established Member

underpants

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TO: UNDERPANTS

 

Thank you for your kind words. However i have a feeling that he won't ever try to contact me again. i read his text messages to her - he said he loved her and they were having ... text sex... my god you don't know how shattered i felt reading that! i never even expected to find anything on his phone, especially not this! and apparently he was waiting till i was asleep and in the washroom to text her. he said he loved her. he even admitted to me that he loves her more than me. and the fact that he was trying to breakup with me before i discovered his cheating.. i now understand that he just wanted to be free of me to go to her. i almost think that i did him a favor by finding out about his affair - he could finally be free to go to her... i don't think he's ever gonna contact me again in the future. i think he's happy to finally be free of me :(

 

Well,

 

Text sex, thats a new one for me.

 

I do think he broke up to go to her. That kind of sucks. I don't like it when I see people leap frog relationships. It's kind of a personal flag for me, although there are alot of people who do it and for some it works out.

 

All you can do is to let him go. He made this choice. I would even go so far at to leap to a guess that he have taken this action not fully realize what he let go of. i.e. consequences.

 

Their relationship is new, in the honeymoon stage. He may contact you when reality sinks in. This can take months. He might not ever because he wants to avoid any guilt. All you can do now, is to find your center again begin to let go of him a little at a time. Post here instead of contacting him. If he contacts you I would recommend not responding for a time. When and if you two should talk you need to be coming from a place of strength not pain.

 

It will be okay, even better, I promise.

 

Unders

marac43 Member

marac43

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The people that do this to us are not even able to true to themselves. They someday will be alone and cofused wondering why their relationships never work out.My Ex was texting the other guy too. I don't know how much actual cheating went on. And maybe its better that I might never know. I actually was juast on the phone with her trying to start NC and in the middle of my dialog I was like hello and she had fallen asleep. So im like now what.

underpants Established Member

underpants

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You don't need to announce or explain no contact. You simply do it.

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shattered&confused Member

shattered&confused

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i keep on thinking that i'm better during the day the night b4 and then when i wake up in the morning - i start back at step one again. i just woke up and i'm depressed again.

 

is this true? did he really cheat on me, lie to me and then leave me for this girl? didn't he say he'd love me forever and for always..? what happened? weren't we talking about having kids together and how we would raise them? wasn't he the one i turned to for 3 years to help me deal with life? wasn't he the one who made me strong when i was confused? didn't he say i was his best friend? i thought he was a good guy - i would have done anything for him, to make him happy.. how could he do this to me! i loved you so much! what did i do wrong! why don't u love me anymore! how could you love someone else! how could you hurt me this way - why don't you care about what you've done to me - how could you do such a bad thing and just leave me and then go on to someone else. how come i have to go through this pain while you are happy dating someone else. what did i do to deserve this from you. i tried so hard to make you happy. u were my main priority in life. how could you love someone else. why don't u love me. why don't u love me. i want u to love me. i want to wake up from this nightmare. i want to go back to the time u loved me. how could you not love me. i still love u. how could you not love me anymore. what did i do. how dare you be happy with her and leave me miserable like this. how come u don't care about me anymore. you used to love me. what happened. what happened to our happiness.. what happened... i would never hurt u like this.. how could u do this to me. do u really love someone else. how could you love someone else. how could u hurt me like this..

Zapbasket Established Member

Zapbasket

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Oh Shattered, your post made me cry right in my office. So many times I have uttered a similar cry, especially when I awaken in the middle of the night and am reminded afresh of the loss, the reality and intractability of it, and my mind swarms with confusion and wishing he could just bloody contact me and tell me he loves me and forgives me and wants me back.

 

The only think I can say is that while the pain never really disappears, I am finding that it lessens--that is, I am increasingly, incrementally, able to resume life at some reasonable level of normalcy. I feel less topsy-turvy than I did even a few weeks ago. I feel very sad, of course, and the loss still hurts and will for a long time, but I can feel like I can begin to be happy again, and optimistic, and everything will work out somehow in the end whether my partner reenters my life again or not.

 

It will get better; everyone on this board says that and several months ago I really couldn't believe it, but I'm finding that it's beginning to be true. It's all still awful, but the situation does get better. As my mom said to me recently: "Time doesn't ERASE the past, but it makes what happened in the past more MANAGEABLE." You'll never forget this anguish, but you'll live through it and possibly come out better and stronger in the end.

 

Know that you DID NOT deserve this and in the end when people throw away relationships it has nothing, really, to do with you. That's really true, when you think about.

 

Chin up :)--and keep letting out all your feelings. Your post touched my heart; thank you for that.

crazy_grl Established Member

crazy_grl

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{{{{{{{ s&c }}}}}}}

 

It'll get better, hun. And you shouldn't feel the least bit ashamed of how you feel. If any of your friends are making you feel like that, then just don't talk about this with them anymore.

 

It sounds like you made the mistake I did with my ex 4 years ago. I made him too important, and when it was over, I was left with practically nothing. I didn't have really any friends because I hadn't bothered to make any after we moved to a new area. Part of the reason was because he never went out, and I was afraid he'd be jealous if I did. I'm glad now that he left, because if he hadn't, I don't know if I'd have had the balls to do it even though I didn't think we had a good relationship. And if he hadn't, I wouldn't have met my completely amazing friends.

 

Of course, now I've got a different guy to deal with. It's been practically 2 years, and I can't get over that guy. We've talked occasionaly since then. He came to visit me recently, and I realized that I'm still crazy about him. Since I met him, I've been comparing guys to him. That's probably a big reason why things didn't work out with the last guy I dated (though I never talked to guy1 while I was dating guy2). If you think you're pathetic, I have you beat. I only dated him about 3 months, and it was long distance. Yeah, I know it sounds pathetic, but I can't change how I feel. I've tried in many, many different ways. It is still painful, but it's gotten better. Just kind of a dull pain that I can live with instead of the overwhelming kind like when he first dumped me.

 

I had never really thought about nightmares. But after you mentioned them, I realized I had one the day after he left last week. I'm not sure if I ever had them before, but I know they don't bother me nearly as much as having happy dreams where we're together only to wake up and realize it's not real. I used to have those a a couple years ago. I guess they should be considered nightmares too, huh. I hope you're not having those.

 

More hugs to you {{{{{{{ s&c }}}}}}}

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shattered&confused Member

shattered&confused

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Oh Shattered, your post made me cry right in my office. So many times I have uttered a similar cry, especially when I awaken in the middle of the night and am reminded afresh of the loss, the reality and intractability of it, and my mind swarms with confusion and wishing he could just bloody contact me and tell me he loves me and forgives me and wants me back.

 

TO: GREENCOVE

 

its funny about that post actually - i really did not start out writing it to him. i just wanted to stop the pain i was feeling since i woke up. but as i typed on and started to cry and got carried away with it, i realized that i was pouring my pain out. and just maybe today i could go into my office feeling more like my old strong self again... it worked quite well for me today actually. i'm not saying that i was back to being the old 'me' again but i must say i got a glimpse of me at least ... :o

 

Chin up :)--and keep letting out all your feelings. Your post touched my heart; thank you for that.

 

i'm glad that my post helped you too GREENCOVE. i hope it helps other people who have been reading this thread too. i would never wish that my worst enemy every feel the way I feel but if anyone is in remotely the same boat as me - then let us all be strong and weak together... i hope that came out right...

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shattered&confused Member

shattered&confused

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{{{{{{{ s&c }}}}}}}

 

It'll get better, hun. And you shouldn't feel the least bit ashamed of how you feel. If any of your friends are making you feel like that, then just don't talk about this with them anymore.

 

It sounds like you made the mistake I did with my ex 4 years ago. I made him too important, and when it was over, I was left with practically nothing. I didn't have really any friends because I hadn't bothered to make any after we moved to a new area. Part of the reason was because he never went out, and I was afraid he'd be jealous if I did. I'm glad now that he left, because if he hadn't, I don't know if I'd have had the balls to do it even though I didn't think we had a good relationship. And if he hadn't, I wouldn't have met my completely amazing friends.

 

Of course, now I've got a different guy to deal with. It's been practically 2 years, and I can't get over that guy. We've talked occasionaly since then. He came to visit me recently, and I realized that I'm still crazy about him. Since I met him, I've been comparing guys to him. That's probably a big reason why things didn't work out with the last guy I dated (though I never talked to guy1 while I was dating guy2). If you think you're pathetic, I have you beat. I only dated him about 3 months, and it was long distance. Yeah, I know it sounds pathetic, but I can't change how I feel. I've tried in many, many different ways. It is still painful, but it's gotten better. Just kind of a dull pain that I can live with instead of the overwhelming kind like when he first dumped me.

 

I had never really thought about nightmares. But after you mentioned them, I realized I had one the day after he left last week. I'm not sure if I ever had them before, but I know they don't bother me nearly as much as having happy dreams where we're together only to wake up and realize it's not real. I used to have those a a couple years ago. I guess they should be considered nightmares too, huh. I hope you're not having those.

 

More hugs to you {{{{{{{ s&c }}}}}}}

 

TO: CRAZY_GRL

 

thank you for your support CRAZY_GRL. i actually haven't had another nightmare since the last one Friday nite (knock knock knock knock knock on wood). i spoke to a therapist today, we're going to wait a few days and see how i feel before i decide to go to a session with her. until now i've never felt pain so fiercely that i would ever think about counselling so i'm still a bit hesitant but - well, i didn't say it, but i know she knows it - as soon as i have another nightmare i'm calling her to book a session. :o i'm not gonna let my own mind haunt me...

 

i hope you don't get worried about your nightmares because of my concern about my own in my posts. i've been told by many that its normal to have fleeting nightmares when we least expect it during this time especially when we are disapointed about something. i'm concerned mainly about my own because throughout life i almost never dream (good or bad) when i sleep. i probably had 1 or 2 simple dreams all year last year. but since he left me for her 3 weeks ago - i've had 5 nightmares all having to do with him..

 

hugs for you too CRAZY_GRL... we'll both be fine eventually...

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shattered&confused Member

shattered&confused

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The people that do this to us are not even able to true to themselves. They someday will be alone and cofused wondering why their relationships never work out.My Ex was texting the other guy too. I don't know how much actual cheating went on. And maybe its better that I might never know. I actually was juast on the phone with her trying to start NC and in the middle of my dialog I was like hello and she had fallen asleep. So im like now what.

 

TO: MARAC43

 

i know how you feel about not really wanting to know more about the cheating - i truly believe not knowing will probably keep us closer to sanity. its better that we never know. if our ex-partners have any type of conscience at all, let that knowledge haunt them not us.

 

about the NC - if you can, mayb you should stop contacting her. and if she calls u, mayb u shouldn't answer. only when u're ready of course. its sounds like u are a good polite guy but its alright to offend her now - afterall, she hurt u first. i don't believe there is ever an excuse to cheat. if something isn't working in a relationship, the respectful thing to do is to resolve the relationship (end it if need be) - not start another one with someone else.

 

hugs..

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shattered&confused

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i know this is dumb - even after he cheated on me (mayb even during my birthday), i discovered he was lying to me and then he left me for her and is no longer interested in my well-being... i sort of feel guilty about moving on.

 

i've been feeling better this week cause i had an interview on monday (not sure about how that went but at least i tried), yesterday i cancelled my home phone and in the next few days i am going to look into a new apartment. i am feeling stronger in my plans to move on but in the back of my mind i am feeling guilty about closing the door on him. i know this is dumb because he hurt me so bad and then just left (i realise now i didn't really know him at all) but somehow i feel guilty.

 

mayb its the fact that i still hope that he'll try to contact me. but that is dumb too because he won't - he's in love with someone else so he is in love and that's a nice feeling to have to forget about everything else around us. nice for him at least.

 

but even if he did call me - what good would that bring for me afterwards. if he just called to see if i was ok but he was still in love with her i would still be shattered. even more so because i don't want to know he's happy and in love with someone else. if he called because he wanted me back (i know this is never gonna happen) then i would still not b happy because i would feel like 2nd best because i would know that the only reason he was back was because it didn't work out with her. not to mention the fact that he still cheated and lied to me and then left me for her so easily 3 weeks ago.

 

but still i feel guilty - mayb its not guilt - mayb i'm afraid to move on from someone whom i loved so much for so long and had so many hopes in.. mayb i'm just scared that this is really reality and my future life will definitely not have him in it...

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Oh S&C, you poor thing, I wish I were there to give you a huge hug and let you cry in my arms. I have been where you are (many, many years ago) and reading your posts just brought it all back to me. I know the feeling of losing someone you love too deeply and having them cheat and leave for no good reason. I know about the nightmares and waking in the middle of the night thinking someone else is laying in their arms instead of you. I know what it's like to wake and see the sun and feel the feeling of despair descend upon you while you try to pull yourself together for work. It's awful, awful, awful. I bought a huge journal and started writing down my thoughts. I wrote him a letter and poured my heart out in it but never mailed it to him. I went strictly nc because my heart couldn't handle hearing his voice. He did try to contact me though but trust me you are better off that yours doesn't. I was lucky enough to get a huge promotion at the time and was so busy in work that I didn't have time to think of him at least 9 hours a day. Slowly but surely the wound started to heal. I think the idea of a new job is just what you need. New work, new faces will help so much. I started to listen to a new type of music because the music I liked reminded me of him and concerts we had gone to so listening to our old songs almost killed me. We were together 3 years and it took me 1-1/2 yrs. to get over him.

 

Don't try to be too strong around your good friends. Cry on their shoulder and tell them how you really feel about him, that's what good friends are for. When you feel better try to exercise it really does work and will build up your strength physically and mentally.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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I just read your last post and am glad you went on that job interview. I hope you get it. One other thing I might add; I don't know if you are a spiritual person or not but prayer really helped me through the breakup more than anything else. I forgot to tell you that I called the phone company and had my number changed so I wouldn't know if he had called me or not. That helped also, though he did contact me through my work number. I changed jobs and that was the end of that.

 

I can tell you I met the man of my dreams and have been married 10 years this past June. You will be happy again, trust me!

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shattered&confused

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Oh S&C, you poor thing, I wish I were there to give you a huge hug and let you cry in my arms. I have been where you are (many, many years ago) and reading your posts just brought it all back to me. I know the feeling of losing someone you love too deeply and having them cheat and leave for no good reason. I know about the nightmares and waking in the middle of the night thinking someone else is laying in their arms instead of you. I know what it's like to wake and see the sun and feel the feeling of despair descend upon you while you try to pull yourself together for work. It's awful, awful, awful. I bought a huge journal and started writing down my thoughts. I wrote him a letter and poured my heart out in it but never mailed it to him. I went strictly nc because my heart couldn't handle hearing his voice. He did try to contact me though but trust me you are better off that yours doesn't. I was lucky enough to get a huge promotion at the time and was so busy in work that I didn't have time to think of him at least 9 hours a day. Slowly but surely the wound started to heal. I think the idea of a new job is just what you need. New work, new faces will help so much. I started to listen to a new type of music because the music I liked reminded me of him and concerts we had gone to so listening to our old songs almost killed me. We were together 3 years and it took me 1-1/2 yrs. to get over him.

 

Don't try to be too strong around your good friends. Cry on their shoulder and tell them how you really feel about him, that's what good friends are for. When you feel better try to exercise it really does work and will build up your strength physically and mentally.

 

TO: STILLAFOOL

 

Thank you so much for your kind words.

 

about the music, that's funny you mention that you changed the type of music you listened to. i thought that i was the only one with this 'music' problem. as i mentioned in some of my previous posts, i work alone and have done that for 3 years. the main reason i stayed sane during that time was because i used to listen to the radio while i worked. i would sing along, listen to the DJ talk about current events, laugh at their jokes etc. since its happened i haven't been able to listen to the radio or any music really. most songs are either about breaking up/hating each other or falling in love and how great love is (the worst ones are the ones about falling in love with someone else and trying to figure out how to tell their partners!). none of which i want to be reminded of. so i turned to my favorite inspirational songs about how there is life after a broken heart, didn't love you anyway etc etc but after a few hours of having those songs on loop, i was sick of the constant reminder of what i am going through. so now i work in my office alone in silence. my mind still wanders but at least if i manage to get lost in whatever work i'm doing, i don't have to get yanked back into my misery again by the words of a song...

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shattered&confused Member

shattered&confused

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I forgot to tell you that I called the phone company and had my number changed so I wouldn't know if he had called me or not. That helped also, though he did contact me through my work number. I changed jobs and that was the end of that.

 

TO: STILLAFOOL

 

its hard to believe how similar your story is to mine. after the first week, i called the phone company to find out what it would cost to change my phone number :o

 

like you, i find it unbearable to wonder if he called me or not and then i become disappointed when i see that he didn't even try. i eventually decided to just cancel the phone service cause at this point i'm not even living at that apartment (i've been staying with my mother) and when i do go back to pickup clothes - i am tired of going to the phone to check for messages or to check caller id. its the first thing i do when i walk back into the apartment and i am sick of feeling more depressed when i see the only people thinking about me are telemarketers...

 

so now - its one less thing i'll think about - and to be frank, i delight in the thought that IF ever his conscience kicked in (huge 'IF'), instead of getting easy access to me he'd get a recording saying that 'this number is not assigned'. :o

squeak Established Member

squeak

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To be frank, i've been a bit jealous of the posts i've read - other people whom were in long term 2-5 year relationships and living together or are divorced seem to all have had their exes at least call them once afterwards to see how the other was coping. whereas i have had to deal with the reality of everything all at once (he moved out all of his stuff out of our apartment within 48 hrs of me finding out about his cheating and i haven't heard from him since) - no grace period - i have simply been discarded... makes me feel like the last 3 years i put in with him mean nothing to him at all now cause he just left to go to his new love and then forgot about me...

 

-SC, don't look at it like that, it is more than likely that seeing you at all or even contacting you will reflect back to him everything bad he did.

 

He knew it was immoral, cruel, and wrong, and you are a reminder to him of that. Everyone wants to see themselves as a good person, when people wrong someone very badly, seeing that person is like a physical reminder that must be banished. So it is easier for him to do it that way, don't internalize his cowardice of facing what he did into yourself, okay?

 

Reading your posts, it reminds me of exactly where I once was. Now, when I look back, it is like a blank void.

 

I see a vision of myself crying and wretching in pain every day, pouring my heart out to anyone who would listen, I was so vulnerable. I talked about it to co-workers I barely knew, I couldn't keep it in.

 

But now, it's like a vacuum, a place where no emotions exist in regards to that whole fiasco. I have no emotional ties to it, it seems like a false memory. And thank God. I would not have believed I would have felt like this ever. But I do. One day you will too. I applaud you on not trying to contact him, it shows great understanding and willpower, including a keen eye for self survival.

 

I am also impressed you caught a whiff of it in the early stages and listened to your gut, as painful as it was, it could have been worse if he just stayed on with you that way. One day you will be so glad you are not with a man who would cheat on you before breaking up- let her have this "prize". I hope one day she discovers him texting the next affair as he moves on from her as he did to you. Ahh sweet revenge is imminent.

 

You'll meet someone else in due time.

tinke Established Member

tinke

Posted
Posted

squeek

it's refreshing to hear, yet again, that another has moved on and that there are no emotions, no ties, etc. to your ex. what a tremendous relief that must be. how long did that healing process take? just curious.

i'm having a little set-back, still waves of disbelief on how cold and callous my ex was after 10yrs. he stated he wants out..and within wks., he stated he will wed soon...nothing more. moran!

so at times, (like now) i still have to face reality for what it is. it is just so surreal!!!

squeak Established Member

squeak

Posted
Posted
squeek

it's refreshing to hear, yet again, that another has moved on and that there are no emotions, no ties, etc. to your ex. what a tremendous relief that must be. how long did that healing process take? just curious.

i'm having a little set-back, still waves of disbelief on how cold and callous my ex was after 10yrs. he stated he wants out..and within wks., he stated he will wed soon...nothing more. moran!

so at times, (like now) i still have to face reality for what it is. it is just so surreal!!!

 

It took one and a half years. I honestly don't want to go into my morbid detail, but it was bad for me. That is what makes how I am now so particularly amazing. I was posting every day for about 10 months, the help of: friends,family, therapy and kind strangers going through the same thing on message boards helped me through it.

 

Now looking back I am angry that I literally feel I lost one and a half years out of my life. That was not "living".

 

I could not rush the process, no matter how badly I wanted to. It just...stopped. I can't say it was any one thing, just no emotional connection to it whatsoever. I am still impressed.

 

I still think of the kindness of those anonymous people who all posted, and got me through it, balanced out the pain I felt. I try to return it when I can, with the new.

 

Occasionally, very rarely, maybe once in a year...I will have dreams where the ex is near me and I am trying to talk to him, but he is mute in my dreams, no answers are ever revealed. I don't mind those dreams, they are just a reminder that another's heart is always unknowable, and no answers are ever really enough anyways.

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shattered&confused Member

shattered&confused

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He knew it was immoral, cruel, and wrong, and you are a reminder to him of that. Everyone wants to see themselves as a good person, when people wrong someone very badly, seeing that person is like a physical reminder that must be banished. So it is easier for him to do it that way, don't internalize his cowardice of facing what he did into yourself, okay?

 

TO: SQUEAK

 

your point has crossed my mind actually.

 

i just really have a hard time digesting that the person i had loved so deeply could do this to me. the man i loved, the one who seemed so gentle with me could not possibly not understand how much pain i am feeling now. coward or not - the man i had loved would not do this, let alone do this and then leave me shattered&confused.

 

this is what makes me think that mayb i didn't really know him. i thought i could gage his reactions to almost anything but now that i know what he did i feel clueless. :( mayb the one i thought i loved was not a nice man. mayb he really did just leave me for someone else he loves and he has just forgotten about me because he is simply in pure bliss with her. mayb he is not in fact a coward but an A**hole. mayb i'd been blind for much longer than this.

tinke Established Member

tinke

Posted
Posted

or maybe a cowardly *********!!!

hard to believe..yes, i know. but same situation here...different guy.

i agree with squeak, that it is easy for them to pretend it did not happen in a (disrespectful) rude way if you are ignored or out of sight. mine was LD and very easy for him to TOTALLY ignore me...many miles in between. just so long!!!!

so yes, this type of person does exist. i was stunned, also.

i was old news..

but after thinking about his rapport with people, he did the same with friendships.

please don't feel responsible for the way in which he handled himself.

even if one must leave, there is a respectful way to do that. you can still hold your head high and know at the time, you did your best! he is the one who disrespected you.

don't be hard on yourself...

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