he left me for her - and i think he had planned it all along

July 20, 2007

I still feel numb and its already been 3 weeks since he left me. Actually i discovered that he was cheating on me when I checked his cell and found descriptive text messages to a girl he said was slow so that's why he had to work late with her all the time. So technically I kicked him out but I know in reality that he left me because when I confronted him he said he was sorry and just started packing. I even asked him if he loved her more than me and he nodded. We had been together for 3 years and were common-law for 2 years. i thought we were going to get engaged next year.

2 weeks before this out of the blue he tried to breakup with me - twice. i had thought until this that we were doing fine. He stayed both times because I cried so hard and begged him to stay and complained that I didn't know anything was even wrong, how could he just leave me without giving me a chance? After 3 years at least i deserved a chance to work it out with him. I asked him if there was someone else but he said no. Even at that point I never thought he would cheat on me. he had always been so upset when he heard other people cheat on their partners that i never thought for a second that he would/could do that to me. i never doubted him - i even felt guilty checking his cell phone 3 weeks ago when i found out he was having an affair. i had thought i was checking it to put my paranoia at rest. i really never thought i'd find anything...

now i am slowly discovering and realising that he was preparing to leave me all along. mayb as far as a month b4. i try not to think about it but i constantly wonder what he thinks i did to him that was so awful that he had to hurt me/get back at me like this. why couldn't he have just broken up with me if i was really so bad? why did he have to get a replacement for me first? why did he have to start a new relationship before resolving ours? i know that i wasn't a walk in the park but i never did anything that i knew would hurt him. i even limited my interactions with guy friends over the years. i really loved him. i even bought him gifts during the month he was apparently having an affair. if he was preparing to leave me shouldn't he have said no to the gifts?

i know that i'm better off without him if he doesn't love me. especially since he went to great lengths to cheat with her on me (nothing changed in our daily life to make me suspicious till the last 2 weeks). i just wish this feeling of despair would go away. my friends try to help but they don't understand cause none of their breakups were common-law. they can't understand what its like to live with someone, share everything about yourself with them, think they accepted you for all you are (good and bad, in sickness and in health), have hopes of building a future together and then find out that he chose someone else while you weren't looking. 'practically living together' just isn't the same. i don't care about the fact that i'm lucky that i found out before we were married and lucky that we didn't have children. maybe i was dumb - in my mind and in my heart, i thought we were married. we aren't and thank god we don't have to divorce, but it feels like a divorce because i thought he was the last one. i feel like i was divorced, but for him i was simply discarded. he hasn't even called.

does anyone else feel like i do? i feel so alone... how do i get over this? how come i can't stay angry?

July 20, 2007

He sounds like a real immature idiot who hasn't learned the skills of communication. So, instead he cheated and did things which hurt you deeply.

I am sorry for your pain, and I have to point out, you have alot of wonderful insight into your own situation - So, just give it time. Cry, scream, feel that pain, but don't let yourself be down and out for too long. If you do have trouble coping and healing, don't be afraid to seek some counselling to help you.

Start journaling your feelings, write him letters (for your eyes only, theraputic reasons, don't ever show him them), post here and vent away.

Surround yourself with friends and family, don't spend too much time alone. Try to get out of your house during those times you really feel sad, distraction is the best way, as well as having a laugh or two as well.

Hang in there.

July 20, 2007

He sounds like a real immature idiot who hasn't learned the skills of communication. So, instead he cheated and did things which hurt you deeply.

I am sorry for your pain, and I have to point out, you have alot of wonderful insight into your own situation - So, just give it time. Cry, scream, feel that pain, but don't let yourself be down and out for too long. If you do have trouble coping and healing, don't be afraid to seek some counselling to help you.

Start journaling your feelings, write him letters (for your eyes only, theraputic reasons, don't ever show him them), post here and vent away.

Surround yourself with friends and family, don't spend too much time alone. Try to get out of your house during those times you really feel sad, distraction is the best way, as well as having a laugh or two as well.

Hang in there.

To: WHICHWAYISUP

Thank you for your kind words and for thinking i have good insight to my situation. To be frank, i don't know if i really do. i have listened to my friends & family, read websites and forums and tried to make sense of it myself but its still hard for my heart to believe what my brain is telling it. This will change right?

Like i said b4, my friends and family are really trying to help - so they have been trying to keep me busy and motivated but i know that they have problems of their own and different life experiences which sometimes makes their advice or point-of-view unacceptable to me. (For example 2 of my friends apparently cheated on their partners). i don't tell them this of course cause i know they are only trying to be good friends, but i'm starting to stay away from the friends that bring me down and expect me to snap-out-of-it cause 'i'm lucky that i found out who he really is now and wasn't married and am now free to find someone else'. one day i hope this will be true in my heart and in my mind but for now i'm still shattered&confused.

when you say that i should cry, scream and feel the pain - how long is considered normal for what i'm going through? some people think i will be better next month already, some people say it'll take months up to a year. its been 3 weeks - is this considered too long already? or still recent? i've had friends say "you're crying and depressed and blaming yourself for what happened - do you think he's doing that now? he's probably enjoying himself. get out and enjoy your freedom" i know they say this because they are trying to spark my anger so i can move on - but at this point the only part of that sentence i can focus on is the 'do you think he's doing that now? he's probably enjoying himself.'

i'm having nightmares (4 already in the last 3 weeks) - and this is not me cause i don't usually have nightmares. the only other time i had a nightmare before this period was after my father died years ago. is this normal? is there something i'm doing wrong in dealing with this that my subconscious is haunting my sleep? and these come usually when i had a good-ish day when i was busy and happy and thought i was making progress. why specifically then? is this an indication that i may need counselling? and if so, how do i get into counselling for a broken heart?

Hope you can reply WHICHWAYISUP or anyone else who may be able to help make me understand.

July 20, 2007

i have worked at the same job for 3 years, about the same length of time i was with my cheating ex-common-law partner. i had originally planned to job hunt this month for a better salary and a better working environment (i run my office and work alone which is so lonely with no human interaction). but of course that was my plan last month and then i did not know he was cheating on me and that he'd plan to leave me 3 weeks ago.

after the first 2 weeks after he left me, i somehow got enough optimism to move on and sent out a few resumes. a couple days later, i read a website that said that during this grieving period its not good to make major decisions until the dust settles (get a new job, sell a house etc.) i've gotten a couple of callbacks already but my heart isn't in it. 3 of the 4 nightmares i've had since he left me was all in this week. so i am having a very rocky time right now. one of the jobs sounds good so i called them back and i have an interview on monday - but i'm concerned that getting a new job now may b too soon. my friend said that it would be easier for me to get through this if i was more distracted by working and co-workers.

What does everybody else think? is 3 weeks after my emotional breakup (him leaving me for his affair) - is that too soon to start a new job? will my emotions still come out during the job and instead jeopardize it? Or will the distraction help me (i work alone and its really hard to not have my mind wander).

July 20, 2007

Shattered,

In response to your question of how long it is acceptable to grieve, the answer is AS LONG AS IT TAKES. If you really loved someone, if your attachment was sincere and you allowed yourself to be vulnerable and intimate (emotionally) with the person, the loss of him or her from your life SHOULD hurt, in ways far too deep to be felt all at once or to be able to be explained. Don't listen to anyone who tells you to snap out of it. Understand also, though, that whoever says that to you is only trying to help prevent you from slipping into listless depression--by stoking your anger, sense of shame, or pride. Grief over a loss is NORMAL and you should let yourself have your grief. It shows you have a loving and open heart.

Let it all out.

July 20, 2007

IS THIS WORKING< IM NEW and would like to post.

July 20, 2007

Hang in there... Greive all that you need. It has been 2 months for me and I am just getting to the point where I'm not thinking about it every second. Now it's like every 3 minutes, but hey that's better... This site is a constent support though. I plan on putting up my story soon. This is my first post.

July 20, 2007

Realize that your friends are saying the things they are because they want you to feel better. Nobody in their right mind would expect you to just get over a 5 year relationship this soon. Most people take months, some take years to get over this type of thing. Eventually, one of those platitudes that are wearing thin right now may strike a chord with you. Somebody may say just the right thing to turn your view around. It's happened for me before. Try to take comfort in the fact that the people who care about you want to help.

About the new job: I think it's a good idea. You were planning on getting a new one before the break-up, so it's not an impulse decision. A change may cheer you up. For me at least, a new job or moving to a new place always makes me feel better.

July 20, 2007

What you are feeling is normal, the nightmares, the waking up and you just inwardly can't believe any of it happened, the feeling of extreme unreality, vomiting (I had uncontrollable vomiting after my last break up) , the constant going over it in your mind and wanting to talk about. Thinking that solving the "why did he do that" will make it any easier.

My pain lasted a full year plus a few months. You are mourning the dying of the hope of your soul mate with that person. But that does not mean that he was your soul mate. That is where the maudlin in us gets stuck. You have to know that someone who did that to you will never be someone you would want as a soul mate!!

Only when I met someone new, when I was ready (and you'll know when that is-no need to think about it now) did it all disappear into a little compartment into my mind.

You need somewhere or someone you can talk about this to, posting here will help, commiserating with others will help. Sadly, your friends will have the best intentions but only other people going through the same will be able to help you through it.

Look into a therapist during this hard time. I would advise a job change, unless you are still at the breaking down and crying suddenly point-don't worry -that will pass in time too.

Any comment about him can make you go over the edge, but I wil say this-I guarantee it won't last with them. But guess what? By the time you find out he is on his umpteenth broken relationship you won't care anymore. I promise you that you won't!

Cry, eat ice cream, indulge yourself, at some point you will not want to do that anymore and the cobwebs will start to clear away.

But don't rush it, it is okay to feel the gut wrenching grief. Know that when you get in your car so many other people driving next to you are going through the same exact thing, just covering it up. Everyone has went through it.

It is a sign you are human, welcome to the disgusting roiling boiling emotional volcano that is life. You are officially in the very thing that created Shakespearean tragedy. The human chain of suffering, this too shall pass. And when you get past it, you know what-you will know that you can get past anything.

July 21, 2007

If you want to heal then you need to go NC with him. From then on, you will go thru many stages until you stabilize and become yourself again w/o him. I have never experienced anything more hurtful than a broken heart. For me, it was a complete torture and now I'm really careful about giving away my heart easily. I wish there was some pill I could take that would erase her from my memory. The worst are the intrusive thoughts about her that enter my mind during day. For me the healing process has been over a year now and I'm finally at a point where I can think about other women without feeling guilty that I'm being disloyal to her. I guess the more emotional as a person you are the more traumatic it will be for you before you heal. Hang in there and over time you'll get back to normal.

July 21, 2007

Nice post, JCD. I completely agree about the "stages" before you "stabilize" (nicely put). As I was walking home from work today I was actually thinking about your post, Shattered, and thinking that emotional pain is something you MUST allow yourself to experience to its fullest extent, because on the other side of our pain are all the things we hold most dear: our hopes, the depth of our attachments, our expectations, etc. To deny our pain is to deny the meaningfulness of these things to us.

Pain isn't something you can just ignore, or let go of when your rational mind tells you you should let go of it. It only dissipates when you reach through it to clarify and define what the hopes, attachments, expectations, etc. the thwarting of which have produced the pain mean to you, to their deepest and fullest extent. Properly dealt with pain results in catharsis--a great emotional, spiritual, intellectual liberation.

Of grief this is especially true, I think. Grief takes you by the scruff of your neck and yanks you blind through the thorniest, most ungrounded and unbounded, most treacherous pass and you really have no say in its direction. Just when you think you might finally be feeling okay it drops you off of a new cliff of agony or drags you over another patch of hot coals. What grief won't do is kill you--as long as you stay awake and keep making efforts in the midst of its tortures.

It's been just over 7 months since my breakup, and just over 5 months of NC initiated by my partner telling me to get lost forever. I've only just come to terms with my grief, with the fact that it's highly likely it will be another 5,6,7 months before I feel "stabilized" again, and possibly another 3-5 months before I feel fully back to my expressive, joyful, delighted-by-life, irreverent self. Right now I feel like a big soggy brittle block of grey--confused, lost, sad, useless, unloved, pathetic and alone. But even in the midst of these feelings, I know that this anguish that is wreaking havoc inside me is simultaneously my psyche's way of realigning myself gradually back to health.

That said--all that philosophizing--quite frankly it sucks big reeking loads, let's face it.

July 21, 2007

3 weeks is hardly any time at all to grieve over the ending of a long term relationship. Don't beat yourself up for feeling bad - it's part of the process.

one of the jobs sounds good so i called them back and i have an interview on monday - but i'm concerned that getting a new job now may b too soon. my friend said that it would be easier for me to get through this if i was more distracted by working and co-workers.

I just did this - I had started interviewing for jobs right before a painful break-up, was hired about a month after, and started the new job within 6 weeks. To some degree, the interviews and preparing for them distracted me. But I was also somewhat aggravated that I had to try to focus on something important to my career when I really needed to wallow in my feelings right then.

Getting the job, though, was a huge mood lifter, and blew out some of the down feelings I had...probably because it was a fresh beginning for me and I was looking forward to it. And starting the job did a lot to help me focus on something that was good for me, rather than dwelling on what was making me feel bad.

I'd say since you found the energy to apply and get the interview, go for it! Can't hurt, might help.

July 21, 2007

Realize that your friends are saying the things they are because they want you to feel better. Nobody in their right mind would expect you to just get over a 5 year relationship this soon. Most people take months, some take years to get over this type of thing. Eventually, one of those platitudes that are wearing thin right now may strike a chord with you. Somebody may say just the right thing to turn your view around. It's happened for me before. Try to take comfort in the fact that the people who care about you want to help.

About the new job: I think it's a good idea. You were planning on getting a new one before the break-up, so it's not an impulse decision. A change may cheer you up. For me at least, a new job or moving to a new place always makes me feel better.

TO: CRAZY_GRL

Thank you for your feedback about the new job and all your kind words. Also, talking about the fact that someone may say just the right thing to turn my view around - i think you just did by saying that getting a new job was something i had planned for a while already therefore "it isn't an impulse decision". that's really what i was trying to figure out - and i believe you're right thank you

Also, THANKS to everyone else that took the time to post all your kind words to help me get through this.

July 21, 2007

TO: GREENCOVE & JCD

Thank you both for your kind words - and your advice about NC which I assume means No Contact..? I'm 'lucky' in this case i guess because he hasn't called since he left me 3 weeks ago and i doubt he ever will now. as i mentioned before i have recently discovered (unintentionally of course cause i really didn't want to know) signs that he was preparing and planning to leave me even before i had any indication that anything was the matter. after i discovered the affair on his cell he swiftly moved all of his belongings out of the apartment by the end of the next day (even went as far as going through our storage space in the basement) cause he worked all night while i stayed at my mother's 3 blocks away. he really wanted to be finished with me...

initially on the day it happened i asked him to leave as soon as possible and told him that if he had to leave anything or if i found anything of his i'd keep it in a box for him. i just told him to wait 2 weeks till he called me for the stuff cause i need time. that was because there was a concern that he wouldn't be able to get everything out rightaway. but the next day he got a U-haul with his friend and he took all his stuff and the big items we agreed he could take. when i went back to the apartment after he left i noticed that he really took EVERYTHING of his - even things his family gave us for xmas.

the 2 week mark has come and gone and there is no sign of any of his stuff leftover in the apartment so i don't think he'll be calling for his stuff and he probably is too busy with his new gf to care whether i'm coping anyways. it really does hurt to realize that after all he was to me (my world evolved around him for 3 years) that he discarded me so easily then wants nothing else to do with me. i guess NC is for the best but somehow i wish he wanted to know how i was coping - that way i would know that the last 3 years wasn't just one big lie... it's normal to feel this way right? eventhough my brain knows its better to have NC..?

July 21, 2007

Yesterday after posting on this forum, i felt i needed some human contact cause i was sitting in my office alone, staring at the pouring rain out my office window. i started frantically calling all my friends but of course everyone was busy cause it was in the middle of the day on a weekday. then i remembered i heard about a crisis hotline, googled it and called them. i have never done anything like this before, but frankly i have never felt such an intense feeling of despair before.

i spent 1 hour talking & crying to a total stranger about what happened. i was ashamed at first for calling him about something that doesn't seem like a trivial problem. the guy on the line just listened and more or less repeated back to me from time to time, a summary of what i had just told him. i know it sounds like it shouldn't have helped but i must say, i had one of my best cries at that moment. he didn't ask me questions or give out opinions but he just listened. it really helped me and i felt like a great weight had been lifted after i hung up with him. he also gave me a number to call for some counselling. i called it but got voicemail, left a message, hopefully i will be able to get some info about it soon.

has anyone else called a crisis hotline before? is it wrong to call them again maybe even regularly when its really hard on me ..?

July 21, 2007

As I was walking home from work today I was actually thinking about your post, Shattered, and thinking that emotional pain is something you MUST allow yourself to experience to its fullest extent, because on the other side of our pain are all the things we hold most dear: our hopes, the depth of our attachments, our expectations, etc. To deny our pain is to deny the meaningfulness of these things to us.

Pain isn't something you can just ignore, or let go of when your rational mind tells you you should let go of it. It only dissipates when you reach through it to clarify and define what the hopes, attachments, expectations, etc. the thwarting of which have produced the pain mean to you, to their deepest and fullest extent. Properly dealt with pain results in catharsis--a great emotional, spiritual, intellectual liberation.

TO: GREENCOVE

i understand what you mean about allowing myself to feel the pain, i guess until this week i had spent time with my friends talking about all the reasons why he wasn't worth it anyways. i tried so hard to not talk about the cheating and my disapointment and the feeling of loss i have cause i was hoping i would be able to get away with just forgetting it even happened.

but my dreams were catching up with me. i had another nightmare last night when again yesterday i thought i was making progress. i had thought that talking to the crisis hotline yesterday afternoon and then afterwards shopping and going for dinner with my friend last nite was good and liberating. but then i still had another nightmare.

i know this sounds dumb - but do you think i should wallow a bit more? write in my journal, dredge up all those bad thoughts, deal with my feelings of betrayal and disapointment, cry hysterically for an hour or more to get it all out? i just can't deal with these nightmares anymore after i went to bed feeling enpowered. it makes me feel like i had taken 3 steps forward just to get pulled 2 steps back overnight. and it makes me wake-up feeling depressed.

I hope you can tell me what you think GREENCOVE or anyone else who can tell me what's wrong with me...

July 22, 2007

i started frantically calling all my friends

Done that before.

has anyone else called a crisis hotline before? is it wrong to call them again maybe even regularly when its really hard on me ..?

It never occurred to me to call them. Probably would have been a good idea. I don't think it's wrong to call them when you're feeling really bad as long as you're also seeing a counselor like they recommended. It's what they're there for. I'd try not to call like everyday though.

i know this sounds dumb - but do you think i should wallow a bit more? write in my journal, dredge up all those bad thoughts, deal with my feelings of betrayal and disapointment, cry hysterically for an hour or more to get it all out?

If you feel like you need to do it, do it. I probably would be. I'd probably be a bigger mess than you. I've never had a 5 year relationship before. The longest was about a year and a half, though we lived together. Even though I was already thinking about breaking up with him when he broke up with me, I was pretty broken up. I can't even imagine how hard this would be for you. From my POV, you're staying pretty strong.

i just can't deal with these nightmares anymore after i went to bed feeling enpowered. it makes me feel like i had taken 3 steps forward just to get pulled 2 steps back overnight. and it makes me wake-up feeling depressed.

Going back and forth is pretty normal, at least from my experience.

July 22, 2007

What you are feeling is normal, the nightmares, the waking up and you just inwardly can't believe any of it happened, the feeling of extreme unreality, vomiting (I had uncontrollable vomiting after my last break up) , the constant going over it in your mind and wanting to talk about. Thinking that solving the "why did he do that" will make it any easier.

My pain lasted a full year plus a few months. You are mourning the dying of the hope of your soul mate with that person. But that does not mean that he was your soul mate. That is where the maudlin in us gets stuck. You have to know that someone who did that to you will never be someone you would want as a soul mate!!

TO: SQUEAK

Thank you for your post.

i too have been feeling like i want to throw up since it happened but i've been holding it back. i wasn't sure if that was just because i had lost my appetitite or what.

as i mentioned in a past post - my friends have been wanting me to just snap out of it - and i was trying to make them understand that i can't because it was deeper than just me dating him. i thought it was because we had lived together, were common-law, been together for 3.5 years and i really did not expect that he could ever do something so mean.. to me.

but as you said its also because i'm 'mourning the dying of the hope of my soul mate with that person' - that's exactly how i feel. i had thought we were going to get engaged next year. he promised that it would be early next year. we had talked about kids and he seemed to love them and i was so happy about that because kids are so important to me. we had just talked about naming our first child after our friend that had passed away earlier this year. i'm 31 now and had spent my 30th and 31st birthdays with him thinking that the best thing in my life was that i had him. i really thought he was my soulmate, he had said in the past that he was. we used to say 'forever and for always' to each other and he even engraved it on a keychain for me at xmas a few years ago which i carried until the day i found out that he had cheated on me and he was packing to go to her. i wore a ring he gave me on my first birthday we had together everyday for 3 years all the way up to the day i found out he was cheating on me and loved someone else. its so difficult to digest that someone who showed me his love so much over the years could just stop loving you and move on under your nose. yes, i'm mourning my lost soul mate and my heart still bleeds when i think about it. i never thought it would ever end - especially not this way.

July 22, 2007

TO: CRAZY_GRL

Thank you for taking the time to reply crazy_grl. actually my relationship was for 3.5 years in total including the living together for 2 years. sorry i probably didn't write it properly in my first post. i was so distraught at the time. but because of the month we started dating i managed to spend 4 of my birthdays with him. and apparently he started cheating on me around that time this year. how could i be so blind..

July 22, 2007

Try hard to remember that you are a special person. Do not let the other persons actions refect on your self worth. Focus on not being caught up in it every second of the day. Once you can have breathers from the relationship/sadness/pain /loss etc. Catch your breath, hold your chin up and take a step forward. One step at a time is the only way to do anything. Some days will be worse then others. I'm a guy and if I know girls at all, maybe go buy yourself some cute new shoes..

July 22, 2007

Try hard to remember that you are a special person. Do not let the other persons actions refect on your self worth. Focus on not being caught up in it every second of the day. Once you can have breathers from the relationship/sadness/pain /loss etc. Catch your breath, hold your chin up and take a step forward. One step at a time is the only way to do anything. Some days will be worse then others. I'm a guy and if I know girls at all, maybe go buy yourself some cute new shoes..

TO: MARAC43

Thank you for your kind words. i really wish i could go out and do something that would make me happy. i wish buying shoes would make me happy. but at this point i don't know why, i can't think of anything that would make me happy. i feel so un-motivated.. is this still normal after 3 weeks..?

July 22, 2007

It has been 9weeks for me. I understand 100% I just know that you have to take extra care of yourself right now. For me weeding in the yard, keeping up on the laundry, cleaning up my house are all things that make me feel alittle better. On a another note are you in touch with him or are you doing NC.

July 22, 2007

Hi Shattered,

This is response to your post at the top of this page (2). You should give yourself all the time you need to sort through the sense of betrayal, the love, the magical memories, the future hopes, the incredible aloneness, the first tender shoots of new hopes for the future that don't include your partner, etc. That's a LOT of sorting, and certainly it can't be accomplished if you're berating yourself for not being a robot who can just pick up and move on as though untouched.

You need to conjure up the most loving, tolerant, patient, wise, and clairvoyant person you can, and imagine him or her speaking to you in response to your inner cries of pain. The type of person I imagine, for example, would never shame me for wallowing or put a time limit on my sadness. At the same time, this person would never let me fall into such a fit of despair that I'd stop showing up for work, or consider suicide, or throw myself in my partner's path wringing my hands and pleading and weeping. This imaginary companion (which, you may not realize, is really YOU, all YOUR STRENGTH, summoned to take care of YOU!) is who you need by your side at all times.

My imaginary companion, for example, hears me when I'm at work and overcome with a wave of despair and longing for my partner; she leads me out of the office and down the hall to the bathroom, and sits with me in the privacy of a stall where my eyes get teary and I say to her, "I'm so sad, I miss him so much, I don't understand how this could have happened, I just wish he would contact me, why, why..." And she strokes my hair and says, "I know, it's so hard, you really love him, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep trusting that somehow, things will get better, in ways neither of us ever could have forseen." And I get up, and go back to my desk, and to my officemates I look like a poised young (I'm 30) woman on top of her work, when in truth I'm one step away from burrowing my head in my imaginary companion's skirt. I have moments like this ALL THE TIME--day, evening, middle of the night, weekends, with friends and alone--and my partner broke up with me on December 5 and after 2 months of me thinking surely this was a mistake and trying to discuss things with him, he told me to get lost in a very cold e-mail on February 13 and there has been no contact since and I STILL AM STRUGGLING.

July 22, 2007

Sorry, I was afraid if I kept typing the session would time out and I'd lose everything.

Don't think of yourself as wallowing. Think of yourself as human. When I'm down and vulnerable, I try to think about toddlers, and their behavior. For three years I worked at a center for infants and toddlers at a psychoanalytic institute and had opportunity to watch 7 children closely and discuss the intricacies of the emotional/intellectual stuff they were each dealing with, and how that was reflected in their behavior. What I took away most from this experience is how similar grown-ups are, really, to toddlers. The difference is that toddlers wear it all out on their sleeves; they haven't yet learned fully the art of disguising pain through a complicated network of defenses. Count on it that when your friends experience something like you have experienced, they're going to be oozing all over the place just like you feel you're doing. A friend of mine used to act like I should just get over this, until her boyfriend (her first, at age 30) discussed breaking up with her. Her heart sank, she could barely concentrate on work, she was crying...and she said to me, "I never imagined it could feel this bad, and we've only been together 4 months; I can't imagine how it must feel for you after five whole years." And I was just like, "Yes, yes, yes...thank you for understanding."

You're not alone! You're not abnormal! Be glad that you're vulnerable enough to feel love, and feel the accompanying anguish when love is lost.

Hang in there, S&C. I'm wishing some of us lived in the same city so we could organize a "Group Wallow"--where we could just vent how we're struggling and what we're doing to cope and just support each other during this difficult time, in a way our busy, perhaps happily married friends just can't. You're not alone!

July 22, 2007

I still feel numb and its already been 3 weeks since he left me. Actually i discovered that he was cheating on me when I checked his cell and found descriptive text messages to a girl he said was slow so that's why he had to work late with her all the time. So technically I kicked him out but I know in reality that he left me because when I confronted him he said he was sorry and just started packing. I even asked him if he loved her more than me and he nodded. We had been together for 3 years and were common-law for 2 years. i thought we were going to get engaged next year.

2 weeks before this out of the blue he tried to breakup with me - twice. i had thought until this that we were doing fine. He stayed both times because I cried so hard and begged him to stay and complained that I didn't know anything was even wrong, how could he just leave me without giving me a chance? After 3 years at least i deserved a chance to work it out with him. I asked him if there was someone else but he said no. Even at that point I never thought he would cheat on me. he had always been so upset when he heard other people cheat on their partners that i never thought for a second that he would/could do that to me. i never doubted him - i even felt guilty checking his cell phone 3 weeks ago when i found out he was having an affair. i had thought i was checking it to put my paranoia at rest. i really never thought i'd find anything...

now i am slowly discovering and realising that he was preparing to leave me all along. mayb as far as a month b4. i try not to think about it but i constantly wonder what he thinks i did to him that was so awful that he had to hurt me/get back at me like this. why couldn't he have just broken up with me if i was really so bad? why did he have to get a replacement for me first? why did he have to start a new relationship before resolving ours? i know that i wasn't a walk in the park but i never did anything that i knew would hurt him. i even limited my interactions with guy friends over the years. i really loved him. i even bought him gifts during the month he was apparently having an affair. if he was preparing to leave me shouldn't he have said no to the gifts?

i know that i'm better off without him if he doesn't love me. especially since he went to great lengths to cheat with her on me (nothing changed in our daily life to make me suspicious till the last 2 weeks). i just wish this feeling of despair would go away. my friends try to help but they don't understand cause none of their breakups were common-law. they can't understand what its like to live with someone, share everything about yourself with them, think they accepted you for all you are (good and bad, in sickness and in health), have hopes of building a future together and then find out that he chose someone else while you weren't looking. 'practically living together' just isn't the same. i don't care about the fact that i'm lucky that i found out before we were married and lucky that we didn't have children. maybe i was dumb - in my mind and in my heart, i thought we were married. we aren't and thank god we don't have to divorce, but it feels like a divorce because i thought he was the last one. i feel like i was divorced, but for him i was simply discarded. he hasn't even called.

does anyone else feel like i do? i feel so alone... how do i get over this? how come i can't stay angry?

Don't care more for a guy more than he does you, hun. You are just as good as he is, so go out and find youself someone that will treat you like you should be treated.

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he left me for her - and i think he had planned it all along

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