A mess

[Randy]

Hi all,

 

I have/had a good friend (best friend) who unfortunately, I started dating. Before we started dating, we were just very good friends. Her marriage was coming to a close. (Yes, mistake number one.) My relationship with someone else had fallen apart. I broke it off because of too many reasons and love doesn't conquer all. How many times does one have to tell another that they do not wish to be changed into someone else? But I digress.

 

The friend had been emotionally abused for years. Her husband told her that she was ugly and that no man in his right mind would ever want her. He actually convinced her of this.

 

So she and I talked for months about everything related and otherwise. Once, she opened up to me about all this, I told her how beautiful she was, not just physically but her intelligence and humor were captivating. We could laugh through the hard times together. People said many times that we were carbon copies of each other.

 

Her job at her company was in danger and I pulled some strings to have her come work with me in my department. She passed the interviews well and was in within two weeks.

 

Finally her marriage came to an end. Her ex moved on and he told her that since she likes me (everyone knows this) that she and I should hook up. That repulsed her. So she went to a dating site and met a radio newscaster. In a meeting it was suggested that she move next to my cubicle so that I can train her to take over my position because I'm moving to a higher one although we will still work together. Besides, my boss chortled, "She likes to look into his eyes." Everyone laughed. She got indignant as if the very thought of being with me is hideous. The whole day she kept making comments about it. I finally told her to get over herself. I've got better taste and everyone knows it. (Things can only get worse right?)

 

So now she constantly rubs this guy in my face and how she's got men falling all over her. Somehow, she doesn't seem so attractive to me anymore. I miss the old version who was a butterfly in a coccoon. Now she's a moth drawn to a flame.

 

She wants us to be best friends but at the same time she doesn't want anyone to get the impression that we would ever date. I'm just too weird for her and she had the nerve to compare me to her husband because I got emotional. (Well, wouldn't you if you were kept in someone's back pocket just in case she couldn't find anyone else and then slammed with Mr. Wonderful?) Yes, I got emotional. I was hurt, crushed. She finally had me after weeks of trying and then decided to just throw me back because she could do better.

 

I know it sounds like rambling and it is. There is a logical progression and yet this mess doesn't make any sense to the reader because I don't have it in a logical order. It's just the things that are coming to mind and the story is two years long.

 

The gist of it is: She wanted to date me. She did. I told her she was beautiful. Then she went haywire and suddenly didn't need me anymore when there are all these other guys around including this one who she tells me isn't compatible but will nevertheless date him because he's unique. After all, how many get say, "turn on the radio, my boyfriend is reporting live!" Lastly, I have to work with her but will be her boss soon. My boss told me that already although no one in the department knows that we can't stand each other now.

 

Thanks for letting me rant and if anyone has any ideas on how to get over this, let me know.

 

Randy

[uniqueone]

First off, I think if possible, you should see if she could get transferred to another dept. Your being her boss is just going to cause tension. I wouldn't think she'd want a boss that couldn't stand her so she might be pretty willing to go elsewhere.

 

Yes, she dated you and then moved on. You dated her when she wasn't even divorced yet and you pretty much set yourself up for that when you do something like that. If she was in an abusive marriage, she was just looking for a lifesaver and you were it. Once she got back to shore, she didn't need the lifesaver anymore. She might not have meant to do that to you but she did.

 

But like many people who get divorced, they then realize that there's this single world out there waiting for them. (of course they don't know yet that it actually sucks). To them it looks like Disneyworld. Give a kid a toy to play with on the way to Disneyworld and then see how interested he is in that toy once he gets there. He puts it down.

 

Have you tried dating others?

[Randy]

I know and how well I know. Normally, I would have advised myself against it. But I guess the one to keep me sane was the one I had the trouble with. I mean, she advised me to not make a mistake with someone I was dating before her. She was right in what she saw.

 

The point is that what's done is done and I'm looking for ways to deal with it. As far as working with her, I'm professional and she will have to just move on if she can't handle it. We have some very unique and complicated jobs. Neither one of us are easy to fill (too many tries in two years seems to attest to this). For the most part, we are stuck with each other. I will tell her to please keep to business and that I do not wish to hear about her love life.

 

Also I'm building a business and hopefully in about five more months I'll be able to quit anyway. I've been working on it a while and it's coming together.

 

Finally, I'm not exactly desperate. Getting dates is easy. I'm looking for something more meaningful these days. I've dated many times. I'm just tired of dead ends. I'll date again I'm sure. For now, I'm going on vacation and will be back in a week and we'll see what transpires. A beach and a book does wonders.

 

Randy

[uniqueone]

I guess the best thing you could do is when she starts talking about dates is to walk away-- if possible.

 

If appropriate, you could also tell her (privately) that it's not professional to be discussing her social life in the workplace. That would depend on what she's saying and in what circumstances though. Or you could tell her to keep the volume down.

 

Also, if she starts going on about the BF to someone in the office, you could always interrupt with a business issue you need her to take care of. If you do this enough, maybe she'll get the hint.

 

If she tries to be friends with you, keep the conversation professional only. Nice but professional. Stick to discussing business with her.

 

Just some ideas....

[funkybassplayer]

Randy I had the same, my ex was still married and would refuse to divorce him and would not want to talk about it, or any other issue. This pushed me away from her. She said the same, made to feel this and that, but i do have my reservations if her ex hubby was that bad, or did she drive him to it. One thing i remember was her ex text her 'as long as t gets what she wants, nothing else matters' That made me feel now theres alot more to her that meets the eye. Like your she needed constant attention, and if i so much as looked at some1 else, i would suffer. It a shame you work with her, friends is a no no. The trouble is that these women are not ready to date, and bring in emotional baggage, and financila, and as much as we want to help, they will eventually trow it back in our face. Look bast thing keep it pro, shes not right for any relationship at the mo, and at least she divorced. (mine wanted me to sell and move in and buy out her hubby!) I would have if she showed me commitment. For your self, move on from her, and show your self respect, dont give her the time of day (other than a pro way) I bet you wish you never got her the job........there is only one way to discribe this and thats just plain selfishness.