McFadden Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Last night I was hanging out and having some drinks with my best friend at my house (I am stuck in my house due to an injury.) I was also on AIM talking to the girl I consider my closest girl friend. She randomly said "I'm going to be seeing what your ex's new girlfriend is like, so I'll tell you all about it." I said "Why?" She told me that she and her boyfriend, who knows my ex, are going to start double dating with my ex and his new girlfriend. She also told me that she's talked to the new girlfriend and 'they hit it off.' For background, this girl knows that I was/have been depressed over my breakup with my ex for 6 entire months, especially the fact that he's in a relationship with someone else. She also knows I have been doing better the last few weeks, but my feelings are still fragile. So I don't know why she would bring up something so destructive. Just hearing it set me back months, because I had to actually visualize my ex and his new girlfriend together, hanging out with my friend on top of it. I said "How do you think that makes me feel to hear that?" She kept defending herself and making excuses, like she doesn't really want to go, but 'has' to because her boyfriend is friends with my ex. The argument escalated and we signed off with the intent of ending the friendship. She seemed fine with that, like she cares about hanging out with my ex and this girl she doesn't even know more than she cares about our friendship. That was enough to end it over IMO. As if that wasn't bad enough I got in a fight with my best friend over it. I was still mad when I got off the computer I tried to tell him what was going on. He (my best friend) happens to be the ex boyfriend of this particular girl and they're still friendly, which complicates it more. He told me that I should just get over it, and its too possessive and demanding to tell my friends who they can associate with. We both yelled and I told him that I don't want to be friends with him anymore, and I don't have any real friends, and to get out of my house and never come over again. He left, and this morning he was supposed to accompany me to a doctors appointment but he never showed. I guess he took it seriously about not being friends anymore, despite the fact that we were both drinking and tempers were running high and I feel a lot calmer now. That's not really how I feel about him, I know he isn't the most sensitive person but he's done things to help me out. He and I have almost never been in a fight and I feel its partially this girls fault as well. I think he's just siding with her because she's his ex. So, my best friend is the only person I talked to about it, and he sided with her. On the other hand, I don't like that she brings up my ex, and would rather hang out with him and his girlfriend than me. It seems insensitive and disloyal. Why I am posting this (besides to vent) is that I'm not sure whether my anger is justified, and whether most people would consider it enough to end a friendship over. Especially because this is pretty much my only girlfriend, and everyone says how important that is. Am I in the right here?
Herzen Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 One hallmark of a true friend is sensitivity to the feelings of others. Your GF should have been more sensitive to the fragility of your feelings given your relatively recent break-up. She is not being a good friend because she's subordinating her friendship with you to her BF's interests. In my experience,99 out of 100 times, most females will sacrifice the same sex friend for the bf/ sexual relationship. That happens because those relationships are most often viewed as paramount. Sensitivity, however, is a two way street. You treated your male friend shabbily especially given his former relationship with your GF. If you expect people to be solicitous of your feelings, you must show a little tenderness, too. Patch things up with your guy friend. As for your GF, time will most likely heal this breach.
kimba Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 talking to the girl I consider my closest girl friend. She randomly said "I'm going to be seeing what your ex's new girlfriend is like, so I'll tell you all about it." I said "Why?" She told me that she and her boyfriend, who knows my ex, are going to start double dating with my ex and his new girlfriend. She also told me that she's talked to the new girlfriend and 'they hit it off.'. As if banging your head was not enough! OMG, welcome to my world!!! I completely completely understand where you are coming from. I have a very similar situation going on, and it started months ago. I still feel months on, that it is wrong, so to me that is justification enough , that i am justified in my feelings! If you swap your ex boyfriend for my ex best male friend you have an identical situation. My best female friend (OF 20 YEARS) is now suddenly friends with him and they , and another male and female friend of mine do everything together and i am not invited. Its like a platonic "double date", but it is still just as painful. Your friend has a choice as to whether she goes on these double dates and the fact that she is shows that she is actually not a real friend. You could talk to her about it til you are blue in the face and she simply will not get it (I've tried it with my friend and she simply does not understand why after 20 years she should be loyal to me!!!!). It is totaly insensitive You are completely justified. It just sounds really really mean. I have worked out that girls who do this are simply only thinking about their own gain. the other thing is this. Now with my friend, she was always really jealous of the amazing bond that me and my male friend had. So now I sort of feel like she's sort of paying me back - (she's never made attachments with men very well). is that going on?? Is there some sort of payback for something due???????? For background, this girl knows that I was/have been depressed over my breakup with my ex for 6 entire months, especially the fact that he's in a relationship with someone else. She also knows I have been doing better the last few weeks, but my feelings are still fragile. So I don't know why she would bring up something so destructive. Just hearing it set me back months, because I had to actually visualize my ex and his new girlfriend together, hanging out with my friend on top of it. . I just think it is completely disgusting. She probably justifies it to herself by saying "well its not me that is gong out with him" "why should i curtail my social life because of Mcfadden??" "She needs to move on" "it has nothing to do with me" "She should probably get counselling if it affects her that much". Thats what my friend thinks. I said "How do you think that makes me feel to hear that?" She kept defending herself and making excuses, like she doesn't really want to go, but 'has' to because her boyfriend is friends with my ex. The argument escalated and we signed off with the intent of ending the friendship. She seemed fine with that, like she cares about hanging out with my ex and this girl she doesn't even know more than she cares about our friendship. That was enough to end it over IMO.. Its even worse when they knnow how much it hurts you but are still going ahead with it. As if that wasn't bad enough I got in a fight with my best friend over it. I was still mad when I got off the computer I tried to tell him what was going on. He (my best friend) happens to be the ex boyfriend of this particular girl and they're still friendly, which complicates it more. He told me that I should just get over it, and its too possessive and demanding to tell my friends who they can associate with. We both yelled and I told him that I don't want to be friends with him anymore, and I don't have any real friends, and to get out of my house and never come over again. He left, and this morning he was supposed to accompany me to a doctors appointment but he never showed. I guess he took it seriously about not being friends anymore, despite the fact that we were both drinking and tempers were running high and I feel a lot calmer now. That's not really how I feel about him, I know he isn't the most sensitive person but he's done things to help me out. He and I have almost never been in a fight and I feel its partially this girls fault as well. I think he's just siding with her because she's his ex. I'd ring him straight away and talk about it. So, my best friend is the only person I talked to about it, and he sided with her. On the other hand, I don't like that she brings up my ex, and would rather hang out with him and his girlfriend than me. It seems insensitive and disloyal. Why I am posting this (besides to vent) is that I'm not sure whether my anger is justified, and whether most people would consider it enough to end a friendship over. Especially because this is pretty much my only girlfriend, and everyone says how important that is. Am I in the right here? You don't know that he is actually siding with her. You were drinking and everything- just talk to him. Try to get him to see how disloyal she is being. Its plain as day. I'm sure he'll see it. I'd stand your ground with the female friend. The other thing that will happen is that if you stay in contact with her, you'll inevitably hear all about the dates and that will set you way way back. You did the right thing with her. Patch it up with your male friend though. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t121482/
Author McFadden Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 In my experience,99 out of 100 times, most females will sacrifice the same sex friend for the bf/ sexual relationship. That happens because those relationships are most often viewed as paramount. I don't think that is ok though. Maybe that's why I don't have a lot of girlfriends? I don't like my feelings being steamrolled over or being pushed out of the picture. Sensitivity, however, is a two way street. You treated your male friend shabbily especially given his former relationship with your GF. If you expect people to be solicitous of your feelings, you must show a little tenderness, too. That's true. I was seeing red as I ended the conversation with my GF, having had some drinks didn't help. Then when he didn't agree with me I overreacted because it felt like everyone was against me. I did try to tell him I wanted to be alone and asked him to leave, but he ignored that because he was deeply immersed in his Nintendo Wii experience. That's when the fighting escalated. I forgive him though, he is just like that but he's a great person. Patch things up with your guy friend. As for your GF, time will most likely heal this breach. Things are going to be patched up with him probably today, he doesn't tend to stay mad, and besides he's middle of a game he's addicted to and he doesn't have a Wii. But as far as my girl friend, I don't know if I want the breach being healed at all. I don't know if I want a friend who would treat me like that. I just am hoping I'm justified to want to end the friendship.
kimba Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 the link i put above is a link to what happened to me.
Author McFadden Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 ...I still feel months on, that it is wrong, so to me that is justification enough , that i am justified in my feelings! That is a good point. Even if some people don't agree, everything is subjective. The fact that you or I feel that its justified makes our choice not to be friends with someone justified. is that going on?? Is there some sort of payback for something due???????? No. As far as I know, I've never done anything to this girl. She probably justifies it to herself by saying "well its not me that is gong out with him" "why should i curtail my social life because of Mcfadden??" "She needs to move on" "it has nothing to do with me" "She should probably get counselling if it affects her that much". Thats what my friend thinks. That is exactly what she said, down to the very same words. That also seems to be the line of reasoning my best friend is using in agreeing with her. Hence, I started wondering if I was the one overreacting. However I don't really care about his opinion because its none of his business, I never should have brought him into the situation. I'd stand your ground with the female friend. The other thing that will happen is that if you stay in contact with her, you'll inevitably hear all about the dates and that will set you way way back. You did the right thing with her. Patch it up with your male friend though. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t121482/ That's how I feel, glad someone knows what I'm talking about. I just don't feel right about what she's doing, and I don't want to hear any more about it. I'll take a look at your thread.
kimba Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 I've always been a person that really values female friendship, I have always had 2 or 3 female "best friends" at any stage in my life. I've never had a lot of friends, maybe like you- but the ones i have have always been super important. Maybe this friend of your is just not wired like this. I have not officially ended my friendship with her yet, but just this last weekend it was his birthday and they were all invited including her. She'll be all coy when i next speak to her. I'm seriously considering ending the friendship because i just cannot get past it. You are justified because being friends with her is going to set your recovery back. You don't want to be hearing about what they all get up to, and if you are friends with her you will. the other friend in my thread , who i have been friends with for 8 years, also chose sides bwcause she is the ex of my ex male friends friend, so previously she was just acquaintances with me ex friend and now they are all double dating. this week i wrote her a letter outlining this disloyalty. She basically hasn;t contacted me for months, even after mum died a month ago. It is all really disgusting. You did the right thing.
Author McFadden Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 Kimba, that is terrible. I posted more on your thread. I have many friends I like more than her, but this was really my only girlfriend. She is a catty type of girl. That's one of the reasons I liked hanging out with her, she's different from me and interesting. Anyway the reason I mentioned her gender is that I am dissapointed about my only friendship with another girl disintegrating. However, my decision has been made and I feel justified and finished. I made a short list of positives and negatives about her that enforced my decision. +'s Having a girl friend to hang out with and be girls Get her point of view on girl things -'s Her concern about me seems shallow We don't have the same interests When we go somewhere it takes her hours to be ready She flirts with my guy friends, which is uncomfortable She jokingly flirts with ME, which is uncomfortable She acts like she's in competition with me I can't tell her secrets because she gossips a lot She usually chooses her bf at the time over me She braggs about her bf knowing I don't have one She naggs me about things when I'm not asking for her input She cares about what's popular and cool too much She's repeatedly disregarded my feelings (to do whats popular) The negatives are overwhelming and the positives aren't. Now I don't know, do I need to look for a replacement 'girly girl' friend? Do I need that feminine energy in my life? Or are the negative behaviors pretty much typical of girls my age? Herzen said that 9 times out of 10 a girl will choose the bf over friends and I'm not like that. Most of my other friends said that I'm one of the only girls they know that is not like a girl or catty.
kimba Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 I have many friends I like more than her, but this was really my only girlfriend. She is a catty type of girl. That's one of the reasons I liked hanging out with her, she's different from me and interesting. Anyway the reason I mentioned her gender is that I am dissapointed about my only friendship with another girl disintegrating. The negatives are overwhelming and the positives aren't. Now I don't know, do I need to look for a replacement 'girly girl' friend? Do I need that feminine energy in my life? Or are the negative behaviors pretty much typical of girls my age? Herzen said that 9 times out of 10 a girl will choose the bf over friends and I'm not like that. Most of my other friends said that I'm one of the only girls they know that is not like a girl or catty. after reading about your stunt off the roof, i mean you need female friends like that, who would do something like that, not girly girls. I just think maybe your differences were too great. She sounds like some sweet valley high girl (i don't know i'm australian, girls like that sht me). How old are you??? now, you seem to pick your male friends ok, what about looking at making friends with female (PLATONIC) friends of your male friends . (like not their girlfriends or anything). Anyway this chick sounds like a total btch and so i think this was inevitable. Sounds like she might like to rub her double date in a little. and might contact you. Go NC.
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