How long does it take to recover?

[Ormolu611]

I looked at the calendar and noticed today that it has been nearly 5 months since my SO walked out on me after nearly 10 years together. Since then, we have been in no contact with just a couple of exceptions which involved getting our stuff back to each other.

 

How long is it supposed to take to move on? I read here often about people feeling so much better after a month or two of no contact and I guess while I do feel somewhat better, she still has an undeniable hold over me. I last spoke/saw her about three weeks ago when I called her to come and get the rest of her stuff, which she did. She looked emotional and happened to come by when I had a group of friends over. The situation was definitely to my benefit. I was casual, having a good time, and do not think that she has ever seen me sweat with regard to the breakup.

 

This does not mean, however, that I do not sweat. I still get depressed, distracted, and have bouts of anger towards her - nearly 5 months later. Sometimes I feel that at least I have my dignity, but man, has it been hard!!! Anyone who has been there who can give ideas as to how long it has taken to get over someone? I'm just getting tired of it all as the mourning process takes sooooo much energy!

[funkybassplayer]

It is hard and a ten year relationship will take time to get over, but it sounds like your doing really, well, and all the emotions you feel is normal and yes healthy as your letting out all your stress rather than bottling it and taking baggage on to the next. Just keep doing what your doing and the pain will get better as the weeks go by. You will still feel the same emotions, but they will get less intense after a while. I dont think we never get over some1 fully, we just move on, but memories will always re appear for years to come, but you will just smile and carry on. Be strong.

[Ormolu611]

It is hard and a ten year relationship will take time to get over, but it sounds like your doing really, well, and all the emotions you feel is normal and yes healthy as your letting out all your stress rather than bottling it and taking baggage on to the next. Just keep doing what your doing and the pain will get better as the weeks go by. You will still feel the same emotions, but they will get less intense after a while. I dont think we never get over some1 fully, we just move on, but memories will always re appear for years to come, but you will just smile and carry on. Be strong.

 

 

Thanks so much for that. I really do appreciate it. I think that sometimes I just still have difficulty accepting that things turned out the way they did. It is probably the sense of rejection that stings the most. The fact that she essentially looked at everything that I had to offer, and decided that she could do better. That hurts like hell! I've basically been discarded.

 

Anyway, I am doing better and I am definitely beginning to come to grips with the whole thing. I think that full acceptance is really what will set me free, and so that is what I am working on. I try not to fight it but to just take the situation in for what it is. I'm just getting impatient maybe? Thanks again for the encouraging words.

[number2]

you're moving in the right direction and thats what counts. eventually the painful memorys will become just plain memorys and you'll realize; hey, i finally feel better. just keep doing what youre doing and youll be fine.

[sharp2007]

I looked at the calendar and noticed today that it has been nearly 5 months since my SO walked out on me after nearly 10 years together. Since then, we have been in no contact with just a couple of exceptions which involved getting our stuff back to each other.

 

How long is it supposed to take to move on? I read here often about people feeling so much better after a month or two of no contact and I guess while I do feel somewhat better, she still has an undeniable hold over me. I last spoke/saw her about three weeks ago when I called her to come and get the rest of her stuff, which she did. She looked emotional and happened to come by when I had a group of friends over. The situation was definitely to my benefit. I was casual, having a good time, and do not think that she has ever seen me sweat with regard to the breakup.

 

This does not mean, however, that I do not sweat. I still get depressed, distracted, and have bouts of anger towards her - nearly 5 months later. Sometimes I feel that at least I have my dignity, but man, has it been hard!!! Anyone who has been there who can give ideas as to how long it has taken to get over someone? I'm just getting tired of it all as the mourning process takes sooooo much energy!

Hi there, I can understand how you must be feeling, I too are finding it extremely difficult to cope with the loss of someone. They say time heals, but I am yet to experience that. I truely hope things will get better for you.

If you wish to read my story, it might help in relation to how you are feeling, as there are other people like yourself in this sorry world who are going though the same process, you are not alone.. All the best.

www.whyislostlovesopainful.blogspot.com

[Slippy72]

It's probably best not to expect a deadline by which you'll have recovered by. Just follow all the advice everyone's given you already and take your time in healing.

[Slippy72]

Yep, NC starts off hard, then gets a little harder, then eventually you reach a point when you don't even realise you're doing it it becomes so easy. I had that feeling. Screwed it up but now I'm eager to get it back again!

 

edit; ignore that, wrong thread!

[tinke]

celebrate the fact that you had to look at a calendar to realize it's been 5 mo. most are counting away the days, so..you MUST have improved from the original starting point, right? i, too, went through a very similar situation, after 10 yrs. yes, i strongly agree with you, what hurts me most, is the disregard, the disrespect..like, ok ,i'm done..run along now!

i do have some vulnerable times, but i have to say overall, things are improving. i no longer idolize him and i do see flaws in his character.

perhaps, you too, have stepped back and have seen that you are only human. i've also come to the conclusion that he, too, had missed out. also, that i am only who i am and this is what i offer...if someone new caught the eye, i will not compete..it is truly an insult after 10 yrs, and a real flaw in their character.

it seems you have been doing well, do you feel the intensity lessen? 10 yrs. is a long time, and you have a good head start on healing with 5 mo...good for you! it would be nice, but realistically, we cannot expect the pain to go away that quickly...just think, 5 mo. ago did you feel worse? physically ill? look now 5 mo. later, it can only keep getting easier. while you continue to qwork on you and accept the grief/pain, you are only preparing yourself for the future, and future relationships...whereas, you will be better prepared and utilize what you have learned.

[Ormolu611]

celebrate the fact that you had to look at a calendar to realize it's been 5 mo. most are counting away the days, so..you MUST have improved from the original starting point, right? i, too, went through a very similar situation, after 10 yrs. yes, i strongly agree with you, what hurts me most, is the disregard, the disrespect..like, ok ,i'm done..run along now!

i do have some vulnerable times, but i have to say overall, things are improving. i no longer idolize him and i do see flaws in his character.

perhaps, you too, have stepped back and have seen that you are only human. i've also come to the conclusion that he, too, had missed out. also, that i am only who i am and this is what i offer...if someone new caught the eye, i will not compete..it is truly an insult after 10 yrs, and a real flaw in their character.

it seems you have been doing well, do you feel the intensity lessen? 10 yrs. is a long time, and you have a good head start on healing with 5 mo...good for you! it would be nice, but realistically, we cannot expect the pain to go away that quickly...just think, 5 mo. ago did you feel worse? physically ill? look now 5 mo. later, it can only keep getting easier. while you continue to qwork on you and accept the grief/pain, you are only preparing yourself for the future, and future relationships...whereas, you will be better prepared and utilize what you have learned.

 

Yes, 5 month ago I certainly did feel worse - much worse. I am making progress. It comes in waves though. I have been doing a pretty good job in that time keeping busy socially. I went on vacation last week and so got to spend some time alone. At one point, I ended up on a park bench weeping behind my sunglasses. At that moment, it felt like day one.

 

It is true that I have gained some perspective in the last few months, but I still don't know what to do with it yet, if that makes sense? I am looking forward to feeling whole again. Thank you all so much for the great advice and info. It really is comforting.

[tinke]

it is only natural to have those dark days, after all, you did not plan on being without her. but try to keep in mind, she left! she is the one who discredited the relationship without giving you a chance to work things out. that doesn't say much for her. are you confident that there isn't someone else? why so sudden?

you will one day feel whole again, please don't rush that. give this time for you! do you believe in a higher power? sometimes it is that belief that keeps me going. i don't know the reasons, but i have to keep the faith...it was for a reason.

i enjoy reading how people go through similar experiences, only later to learn in the future they had met their true love. never would have experienced that otherwise.

hang in there...keep doing what you are. the crying...it's a healing emotion, it proves you are only human! things will continue to get better..allow it.

can you feel that when you do think of her, it is less often and less intense than 5 mo ago? just think 5 more mo....even less intense!

originally, i thought of mine 24/7...analyzed it to death...no answers. i was in total disbelief how he quickly discarded me with no contact!!!

but, i do see now, that is a flaw in his character. i am sure the pattern will continue to repeat itself. i am convinced that those who do wrong to others (i don't mean necessarily by leaving), but the callous way in which it is done...will one day..feel.

keep going strong....give yourself credit for your accomplishments...you are doing better and will keep growing stronger!

[kenfrance]

You are doing just fine. It takes time and not just calendar time. You will have good days and bad. Maybe seek out those friends of yours for some support. I know it can be hard for guys to open up and share but sometimes it helps us get trough the hard times. Good luck, man.

[Trialbyfire]

Look to all the help you can get, whether it's friends, family or even professional help. Don't be afraid to admit you need help and ask for it. You'd be surprised how much easier it gets after discussing it and getting numerous perspectives. It's like posting an LS thread but if it's person to person, real life is much better.

 

Make a consistent conscious effort to let go. If you don't you'll be stuck in the same painful perpetual loop for much longer.

[WhiteKnight]

I looked at the calendar and noticed today that it has been nearly 5 months since my SO walked out on me after nearly 10 years together. Since then, we have been in no contact with just a couple of exceptions which involved getting our stuff back to each other.

 

How long is it supposed to take to move on? I read here often about people feeling so much better after a month or two of no contact and I guess while I do feel somewhat better, she still has an undeniable hold over me. I last spoke/saw her about three weeks ago when I called her to come and get the rest of her stuff, which she did. She looked emotional and happened to come by when I had a group of friends over. The situation was definitely to my benefit. I was casual, having a good time, and do not think that she has ever seen me sweat with regard to the breakup.

 

This does not mean, however, that I do not sweat. I still get depressed, distracted, and have bouts of anger towards her - nearly 5 months later. Sometimes I feel that at least I have my dignity, but man, has it been hard!!! Anyone who has been there who can give ideas as to how long it has taken to get over someone? I'm just getting tired of it all as the mourning process takes sooooo much energy!

 

Well for me it took me roughly about 6 - 8 good solid months of minimal or no contact with any of my exes. Usually most of my exes broke up with me anyhow so this is kinda interesting for me based from experience to share with you guys.

 

I don't really believe in the "Lets be friends..." sorta thing but I just usually shrug off and delete her off of my contacts list without blocking an ex who wants to be friends. If it was one of my exes who did not want to be friends with me anymore, I would just delete and remove any possible contact and maybe change contact details just to move on from the past.

 

Some people have asked me why I had 'removed' my ex who wants to be friends out of my contact list on my messenger programs and don't have her blocked fully. Well to be honest if my ex wants to make up for the pain and everything that she did to me, she is forced into the position of being an initiator and should try to make up for it. Its a punishment that I usually give sometimes. However its rare for any ex for that matter to actually have the friendship working out with me as in getting along quite well.

 

I usually noticed any of my exes who hurt me so much, I stop trusting or believing what they say. However I do my best to acknowledge what they are saying, hence after the words "Hey, how are you?" are initiated, the conversation seems to fall apart afterwards within 5 mins. With the pure randomness of LOL's and poking out tongues through messenger, I often think about what is the main reason for their conversation in the first place. So that's why I never initiate a conversation with my ex unless I had a really good reason to do so.

 

More or less I would end the conversation with my ex pretty much within 10mins if there was no more talking.

 

It is depressing I know and its not good when a conversation fails or falls apart. As I was trying to be quite truthful to her, she was trying to do the same to me... however as I knew I did lie sometimes in the past (whenever I exaggerate) but always now kept myself of trying to be honest and truthful (which I have nowadays) its getting there but funnily enough I just keep down hush and say nothing quite personal about my life to my ex anymore.

 

I know for a fact that she thinks she knows me quite well but I do suspect or know in a way she hates when I'm a pure introvert who refuses to talk a lot to her but her friends or my friends know more about me... so the ex gets hurt and perhaps she might realise that she should have not either left me or hurt me so badly. Of course there was a lot of fighting and arguing, more or less the odd not getting along sorta reason... however with one of my other exes I had betrayed and walked away... she wanted to still to be friends. Very amusing yet confusing at best as to why but do I look like I am worried about it? Nope because I am looking forward to marry my new longterm partner if all goes well.

 

Sometimes whenever you think about your past friend or ex, you often wonder 'could I have done better to heal the friendship?' but in short answer through time you can. Time of healing is always the best medicine to get over the past.