Darth Vader Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 I'm freaking out. Please just read and don't judge me. I've just left my wife of three years. She has been horrible to me for two of them. Abusive in every sense of the word, disloyal, disrespectful etc... She's been in the hospital for almost a month for drinking related insidences. The second time was the day of her release and she got drunk and slapped me accross the face for telling her that I wont let her drive. She got out a week ago and seemed to be doing much better. Oh yeah, she has BPD, (Borderline Personality Disorder). When she drinks, totally out of controll, inapropriate and obnoxious. She started drinking again, denies that she has a problem, blames me for ruining her good time by reminding her of her hospitalization and basically claims that she doesn't have a drinking problem. She called me selfish, insensitive, butt-hurt and ignorant. She told me that she never knew how selfish I was and that she had learned something new about me. That's when I packed my sh-t. She cheated on me when I was deployed to the Middle East a year & 1/2 ago. With a 17 yr old in our church. I came home and found an unenthusiastic wife that was pretty much done with me, but I was'nt ready to leave yet. I just came home and I had no family in NC and I needed help, I missed her so bad for the five months that I was gone and I didn't want to loose everything. So, I stayed. I've held her while she lamented over not seeing him anymore. I've been there for support through her eating disorders, her mood swings and generally bad behavior. I was there for support when she recently began to feel true guilt. I've scheduled doctor apts and bought books and had long talks that never show any manifestation of actions on her part. I've poored my lifes heart and soul into this marriage at great sacrifice. And now it's over. I don't even think she realizes that it's over. I told her and she just thinks I'm mad. I'm terrified of what she's going to do now. I'm affraid that she's going to call me and yell at me or inform me of some foul behavior to hurt me emotionally. I cry for her constantly and I feel so bad about giving up because she's sick and I know that she needs me. Why do I feel these things? I should be angry, beyond angry but not sad. But now I'm so sad I can barely function. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so scared. I'm scared that I can't go through with this long and arduous task. Please someone help me. Maintain total NC with your wife, if you have caller ID, when she calls, don't answer no matter how much she calls, turn off the phone, don't read any text messages from her! You need to go to IC yourself, you need to get help for yourself. You need to stay away from her at all costs! If you don't, she'll pull you down with her, there's no reasoning with her, you know that.
sumdude Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 I'm in kind of a strange position here ... having been in a way on the opposite side of a similar scenario.. When she left me my stbx at first told me that if I cleaned up my act and took care of some other issues she would come back. Well I did ... still 2 months later she told me it was over anyway... I really can't say for sure if that hope of the relationship working out helped me or not. It may have helped me get started down the road but some time after I started I realised it was all about me doing it for myself. I don't know how I might have reacted if she said "I'm done period" right out of the box when she left. I may have just said eff it and taken a big dive ... or maybe I would have done what I did anyway. I must admit though, that piece of hope maybe pushed me a bit more I think. We did keep in contact, pretty much only by phone. She moved far eough away that it was harder to just see each other or show up out of the blue. This is only my experiece, everyone is different so YMMV.
Darth Vader Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 This is what I'm refering to. I think this is good advise. Gunny, is this what you meant? Until you get you get your toxic ass clean? That feels like a middle ground I can sorta deal with. I'm not planning on our marriage working out, but it allows for some personal growth for both of us. Should I even be thinking along these lines. Sh*t, now I'm really confused. I hope you people don't think I'm dumb. You're not dumb, just in a fog, and you can't see your way clearly! That fog will lift in time. As far as her hurting herself, no one here thinks that she will, but, even if she did, 1. You can't control her actions, she does. 2. It's not your fault, you've done all that you could, she has to help herself. Someone else on here mentioned the fact that you may not want to get back with her in 6 months, you may realize how messed up she really is, and not want to go back to that crap she put you through, you deserve much better!
Sweet Chestnut Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 I'm freaking out. Please just read and don't judge me. I've just left my wife of three years. She has been horrible to me for two of them. Abusive in every sense of the word, disloyal, disrespectful etc... She's been in the hospital for almost a month for drinking related insidences. The second time was the day of her release and she got drunk and slapped me accross the face for telling her that I wont let her drive. She got out a week ago and seemed to be doing much better. Oh yeah, she has BPD, (Borderline Personality Disorder). When she drinks, totally out of controll, inapropriate and obnoxious. She started drinking again, denies that she has a problem, blames me for ruining her good time by reminding her of her hospitalization and basically claims that she doesn't have a drinking problem. She called me selfish, insensitive, butt-hurt and ignorant. She told me that she never knew how selfish I was and that she had learned something new about me. That's when I packed my sh-t. She cheated on me when I was deployed to the Middle East a year & 1/2 ago. With a 17 yr old in our church. I came home and found an unenthusiastic wife that was pretty much done with me, but I was'nt ready to leave yet. I just came home and I had no family in NC and I needed help, I missed her so bad for the five months that I was gone and I didn't want to loose everything. So, I stayed. I've held her while she lamented over not seeing him anymore. I've been there for support through her eating disorders, her mood swings and generally bad behavior. I was there for support when she recently began to feel true guilt. I've scheduled doctor apts and bought books and had long talks that never show any manifestation of actions on her part. I've poored my lifes heart and soul into this marriage at great sacrifice. And now it's over. I don't even think she realizes that it's over. I told her and she just thinks I'm mad. I'm terrified of what she's going to do now. I'm affraid that she's going to call me and yell at me or inform me of some foul behavior to hurt me emotionally. I cry for her constantly and I feel so bad about giving up because she's sick and I know that she needs me. Why do I feel these things? I should be angry, beyond angry but not sad. But now I'm so sad I can barely function. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so scared. I'm scared that I can't go through with this long and arduous task. Please someone help me. I htink that you did absolutly all you could and that now it is time for you to take care of yourself. I can feel that you lost contact with you and your own needs, and that you even feel guilty for doing do. That you break in tears is normal, as now you are freeing yourself and it si years of pain and wounds who are coming out. Cut al contacts also with the mum, no intermediary and never talk to her again. You have been a saint and helped her in all ways but hse doesnt care. It is typical of abusive and alcoholic people to give fault to others and play on guilt trip. She went over the line for you many times and oyu have the exact psyche as soemone hwo has been abused like awoman in a violent marriage and who cant leave the guy or feel guilt trips. I am truely sorry to read your story and hope that you will not come back. You have to divorce and never contact her again. Dont leave an adress nor a phone number and forbid her to call you. She do not have an illness she is just alcoholic and alcoholism can leaf to social disorders, but thats not an illness per se. and that does not excuse any of her behaviours. She is irresponsible, selfish, mean, and pedophile/child abuser as she had sex with a 17 year old kid. She just use you and you have to cut from this vicious circle of being abused while beleiving that she need your help and that you must provide her with it. She doesnt need your help at all. And you musnt give her your help. You are not bounded in anyway to do so. You need time alone, the rest of the year and the next one, to rebuild yourself and recenter yourself, and to found yourself again and to elarn to enjoy life and to be good to you and to become aware of your own needs and learn how to satisfy them. You deserve much better than that. You are a very good person, very loyal very loving and the right one will come to you. You do deserve the best in life, be strong, the time to heal yourself, dotn feel bad for leaving her, know that it is the right thing to do and a good thing. You are leaving a huge mistake. It should be coming back that should make you cry, and not leaving this horreful life. I wish you the very best, and to recover as smooth as possible form what you are going through.
sumdude Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 She do not have an illness she is just alcoholic and alcoholism can leaf to social disorders, but thats not an illness per se. Normally i leave this kind of thing alone .. however alcoholsm is considered am illness by a majority of the medical community. Dual diagnosis is very common ... depression, addiction, bi-polar disorder etc often come hand in hand. we taking about the fine balance of chemicals in the brain, seratonin, dopamine etc. That being said at the base level the addict must want to change for it to happen.
Gunny376 Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 Ahhhhhhh HELL! I apolgize in advance, if I come down too hard on you! But I am a retired United States Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant. I tell it like it is, as I see it ~ maynot be right ~ but its the way I call the "ball" First off Sport ~ you're coming off to me as a SNAG ~ Senstitive New Age Type News flash for ya! Women don't like nor or they attracted to SNAG types. They like them as friends, associates, yadda, yadda, but not as lovers. Next? Your gals got issues ~ that stem way before you ever meet her and hooked up with. I'd bet next month's retirement check that she was molested as little girl. You need to dump this gal ~ and tell her to call you once she's got her head and azz wired together. We're talking re-hab and psych by the way. May take months, but I'm thinking years! What I'm telling you here Slick is you need to dump this gal and get her the freaking Hell out of your life! And then you need to go find yourself some IC and get your brain housing group re-wired with your azz, so that you can learn how to walk and talk again! You're addicted to this gal, and her addiction is dragging you down to different levels of Hell I don't even won't to think about. She's drowning and she's taking your azz down with you! You're trying to save her azz, and she's taking you down with her! IMHO? You need a good two ~ three years of being alone and learning how to be single and alone. You need to learn how to like yourself and your life? You don't need a woman, a relationship? You need to learn how to like and love yourself, as you are, for what you are! You need to recognize that you don't need validation from anyone else, let alone a woman! You need to recognize that there are parts of you that are awesome! You have knowledge and wisdom that I simply don't have! And will never have?
Author ARDriver01 Posted July 23, 2007 Author Posted July 23, 2007 I missed her real bad last night. I almost called her but I went to bed instead. She called me on Friday on my friends phone. He just handed me the phone. She was crying and telling me that she wanted to grow old together and have kids and grandkids. She said she was sorry for making feel so bad and wanted to give me some space for a while. F*ck. This is very, very hard.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 I missed her real bad last night. I almost called her but I went to bed instead. She called me on Friday on my friends phone. He just handed me the phone. She was crying and telling me that she wanted to grow old together and have kids and grandkids. She said she was sorry for making feel so bad and wanted to give me some space for a while. F*ck. This is very, very hard. If it was easy... you'd likely have done it way before now. What you're doing is a difficult thing. This is why NO CONTACT can be such an important tool. It creates distance and therefore perspective because it disallows manipulation. You aren't basing your choices on the input of others, rather you're relying on your own judgment. Now... she IS going to whine and act needy. That's been her M.O., and it's been a proven winner because thus far it's kept you in the game. She WILL change tactics when she sees you're no longer responding to that, so if you're committed to NC, she's not going to have access to you in order to do that. I expect that she'll get a whole lot worse before she gets better and will probably land up hospitalized again. If so, this would NOT be your fault. No matter WHAT she does... I want you to understand and accept that YOU are not at fault. You are not some master puppeteer who pulls strings and makes choices for this woman. You don't have that kind of power over ANYBODY. So, don't own that which is not yours. You can look at self-destructive behaviors as akin to threats of suicide. They are manipulative to the people around them. While not always committed with deliberation, these behaviors remain essentially emotional blackmail, making hostages out of loved ones. And worse... situations like these ARE dangerous. There does exist the possibility that something bad could happen to her. It's important for you to accept that knowledge and to fully realize that no matter what the outcome is you have NO CONTROL over it, hence no responsibility for it. A good bit of this anxiety you're feeling AR, will go away once you embrace the idea that you are NOT able to protect your STBXW from HERSELF. With you or without you, she still has choices to make in life. And even though her mental health is compromised, short of having her committed, there is NOTHING you can do to authoritatively take control of those choices. Your best bet, IMO, is to stand firm on NC, seek divorce, and remain noncommittal to any future possibility of reconciliation if you get cornered. IF, (and it's a might big "IF"), she ever gets herself cleaned up and IF you haven't already moved on... that's the time to reopen the discussion. I don't see how you can set a time limit on such wide variables though, so I think you're probably better off to let this bad relationship go and move ahead with your own life.
quankanne Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 you need to handle her with tough love, even as it kills you inside. Because as gunny points out, she's drowning in the misery of her life, and has no qualms about taking you under even if your intentions are good (saving her from herself). it's never easy to withhold something from the person you love dearly, but for your own sanity, you need to learn how to do just that. She can call and cry about what she wanted for the two of you, but until she gets her shxt together and actually *does* straighten out for herself, she's still a sinking ship. However, her saying "she was sorry for making feel so bad and wanted to give me some space for a while" is a positive step forward, even if it turns out to be a short-lived one, because maybe her eyes are opening up to the fact that she's not just hurting herself. just take it one day at a time ... your feelings for her aren't just going to evaporate like that, but you can whittle away at the problem while maintaining what you've got left of your sanity. hugs, q
Gunny376 Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 OOOOOrrrrraaahhh Lady Jane ~ par the course you are tha'a woman!
Author ARDriver01 Posted July 23, 2007 Author Posted July 23, 2007 Thank you people. Yeah, my problem is that I really do love her deeply. I see the beauty in her and I can see it always. There's just so much crap that she's put me through. I didn't know it would hurt this much. I've been pretty cold to her, trying to limit my own emotional output. It makes me feel like a real sh*t. Being at my partents house doesn't feel to great either. They make me feel like I don't have choices. They have no sympathy for the situation and they keep saying mean sh*t about my Wife. "I don't care what happens to her, let her just vaporize". Really cold Sh*t. I don't hate my wife. They ask where I'm going and when I'll be back. Dude... Really??? I've deployed for months at a time, lived out of state for years and with my wife in another city and now they worry about me? Come on! I feel like I'm seventeen again with nothing. Everything is gone, and I'm really lonely. Does this ever stop? They're probably going to put me to work soon and hold that over me. I hate being able to see what's going to happen. This is no way to live. It's really tempting to think "You know, dealing with her sh*t was alot more tolerable". What do you guys think? Isn't my life sh*t!
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Is there a friend you can stay with some nights? Being back at home, your folks are going to revert abit and BE parents to you, instead of being a friend, which is what you need right now...Some sympathy, empathy, and understanding....Don't let them frustrate you, last thing you need is that stress... Keep posting and I hope you feel better..
Author ARDriver01 Posted July 23, 2007 Author Posted July 23, 2007 One thing that's making me miserable is that I keep reflecting on what happened a year ago. Everytime I think about how much I love her and I'm grieving our failed relationship, that pops up with graphic images and it's like a knife in my chest. I can't even grieve properly. I'ts more like feelings of horror and discust and regret for not killing that kid. That's something that burns me. I didn't do anything. I went after him at church but I was grabed by a very big Special Forces commander. (Fayetteville NC) Military town. Yeah, I never did anything to him. I could have thrown him in my trunk, drove him out to the woods and tied him to a tree naked and left him there. I mean, something. But I didn't do anything. So I feel pretty bad about that. Why do I keep thinking about this stuff. I was dealing with it and working through it when we're together and it wasn't so prominent on my mind. It hasn't been this bad in a long time. It's been a while since I've felt this pain. It's not really helping me. It just hurts alot. It's making me really hostile today in particular. I just want to smash someones face in. I wont! Don't worry! But anybody ever go through this?
jmargel Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Why go after that kid? Even though he knew she was married he has NO loyalty to you. He doesn't know you from the next stranger and at his age his hormones were just going through the roof. Any older woman that comes onto a younger man, his ego is just bursting. Your wife had the loyalty to you, she has the responsibility and she was the one who was the decision maker in this. Leave that kid alone and put all the responsibility onto her. If it wasn't that kid she would have found someone else. At some point you are going to have to get counseling and deal with this so you can move on to be looking forward to the future.
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 What's going on inside you, needs to come out and maybe the best way to deal with this and what is going on in your life, is to go talk to a therapist. And, yeah, I think just about everyone knows that feeling of wanting to smack in someone's face...
Author ARDriver01 Posted July 23, 2007 Author Posted July 23, 2007 Does anybody know why I'm affraid of her sleeping with someone now or even in the distant future? What the eF.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 Being at my parents house doesn't feel to great either. They make me feel like I don't have choices. They have no sympathy for the situation and they keep saying mean sh*t about my Wife. "I don't care what happens to her, let her just vaporize". Really cold Sh*t. I don't hate my wife. They ask where I'm going and when I'll be back. Dude... Really??? I've deployed for months at a time, lived out of state for years and with my wife in another city and now they worry about me? Come on! I feel like I'm seventeen again with nothing. I was just looking at another thread, and it occurred to me that THIS is another example of "care and concern" that might not feel too comfortable. I think you'd do well to try to look at it that way. For your parents and other members of your family... we're talking about a woman who hurt someone they dearly love. They will NOT be particularly fond of her right now. Imagine if someone hurt one of them. How would YOU feel about the person who did it? It sounds to me like they're just trying to look out for you, kiddo. Be patient.
singlecanadianmom Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 One thing that's making me miserable is that I keep reflecting on what happened a year ago. Everytime I think about how much I love her and I'm grieving our failed relationship, that pops up with graphic images and it's like a knife in my chest. I can't even grieve properly. I'ts more like feelings of horror and discust and regret for not killing that kid. What really helped me with the anger toward him for cheating in my last counselling session was this: The counsellor had me walk through what I imagined about them together that made me the most angry. Then stay with my anger and allow the worst parts of me to talk through and imagine what I would do to him (no rules, no law, no consequences - how fun!). He had me describe in great detail how I would pysically take out my anger on SO, and the other woman if I wanted to. There is a lot more to this, but I don't know if it would be beneficial to do it by yourself, without the guidance of a highly trained therapist. But let me tell you, after last session I really felt I could let go of a bit of the anger! Please don't hold this anger inside, it will eat you up, not her... I would recommend you look for a good therapist (mine is a clinical counsellor - with extensive training in family systems therapy) and see if they can help you focus on you, and stop giving her the attention she doesn't deserve.
Author ARDriver01 Posted July 24, 2007 Author Posted July 24, 2007 Does anybody know why I'm affraid of her sleeping with someone now or even in the distant future? What the eF. I ask again. This is really bugging me. I had to get my car last night, and I passed the apt and I was checking to see if the light was on and if it was, I was going to seriously go up there and stuff to see if she had company.
quankanne Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 because even though you've mentally started to make the break, your heart and your emotions are still very much committed to your marriage to this woman. And because it's a kind of punishment wondering, and hoping against hope, that she's not screwing around on you. back to the big question: are you seeking any kind of psychotherapy to deal with the effects of her behavior on your marriage? Because you're going to push yourself into a really bad place if you don't get the tools to get this poison out of your life.
jmargel Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 I am copying and pasting my reply to your other thread ARD. It seemed like you didn't want to read my post or try to understand it. Ard your wife is not the typical woman. I think you should know this. And what scares me is her abuse over the years to you is really affecting your mental health. Think way back before you met her and look at yourself now. See the difference? Honestly you need counseling yourself to get through the abuse she has put you through. I've seen enough posts of yours that gets me worried about what is going through your head. She has manipulated you in so many ways. Majority of the women in this world take their marriages and resposibility seriously. This forum is for the cases that don't. However among all the cases on here that I've read over the years I would put yours in the top 3 of bad situations. She has very serious mental problems that you can't rationalize or even attempt to explain why she has done the things she has. It's time to do the hardest part and just let her go. Life is short and it's pointless to waste your time on this anymore. She can only fix herself and it's apparent she isn't even close to this stage. You need to start dealing with all the hurt she's given you so that you can move on. At some point in time you need to stop revolving yourself around her and start facing your own problems/hurt now and get through that.
Darth Vader Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 Counseling for you is a must! As you start counseling, start looking for a lawyer. Move on, you deserve better.
Author ARDriver01 Posted July 24, 2007 Author Posted July 24, 2007 I hear you brother. I know she's toxic. I don't really plan on things working out for us. I can't just make myself not care about what she's doing without me around. I'm going to therapy later this week. I'm still attached for some reason.
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