ARDriver01 Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 I'm freaking out. Please just read and don't judge me. I've just left my wife of three years. She has been horrible to me for two of them. Abusive in every sense of the word, disloyal, disrespectful etc... She's been in the hospital for almost a month for drinking related insidences. The second time was the day of her release and she got drunk and slapped me accross the face for telling her that I wont let her drive. She got out a week ago and seemed to be doing much better. Oh yeah, she has BPD, (Borderline Personality Disorder). When she drinks, totally out of controll, inapropriate and obnoxious. She started drinking again, denies that she has a problem, blames me for ruining her good time by reminding her of her hospitalization and basically claims that she doesn't have a drinking problem. She called me selfish, insensitive, butt-hurt and ignorant. She told me that she never knew how selfish I was and that she had learned something new about me. That's when I packed my sh-t. She cheated on me when I was deployed to the Middle East a year & 1/2 ago. With a 17 yr old in our church. I came home and found an unenthusiastic wife that was pretty much done with me, but I was'nt ready to leave yet. I just came home and I had no family in NC and I needed help, I missed her so bad for the five months that I was gone and I didn't want to loose everything. So, I stayed. I've held her while she lamented over not seeing him anymore. I've been there for support through her eating disorders, her mood swings and generally bad behavior. I was there for support when she recently began to feel true guilt. I've scheduled doctor apts and bought books and had long talks that never show any manifestation of actions on her part. I've poored my lifes heart and soul into this marriage at great sacrifice. And now it's over. I don't even think she realizes that it's over. I told her and she just thinks I'm mad. I'm terrified of what she's going to do now. I'm affraid that she's going to call me and yell at me or inform me of some foul behavior to hurt me emotionally. I cry for her constantly and I feel so bad about giving up because she's sick and I know that she needs me. Why do I feel these things? I should be angry, beyond angry but not sad. But now I'm so sad I can barely function. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so scared. I'm scared that I can't go through with this long and arduous task. Please someone help me.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Mental illness is kind of like alcoholism. Sometimes a person has to hit rock-bottom before they'll seek sustained treatment. It's just one woman's opinion, but I think you're doing the right thing. You can sacrifice yourself on the alter of marriage if you want... but that's not going to save a person who clearly doesn't WANT to be saved. Try strict NO CONTACT. See an attorney, and move on with your life. Your STBXW might have been sick, but she'd have to be a whole lot sicker than what you've described not to know that there are consequences to cheating and treating people like sh*t.
sumdude Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 You're doing what you need to do for yourself. Having had a bit of a drinking problem myself I can say that though I was fighting it and slowly getting there it was when my wife left me that I hit what was my true bottom and dealt with the problem. I may not have been the abusive type but it was a problem nonetheless. My ex has decided to move on even though I've dealt with this problem, turns out there were other reasons on her part. You can't save her ... she has to save herself and want to get the help she needs. Nothing you do will change that. So now you must take care of yourself instead. Seek counciling ... it can help you. Eat well, sleep get excercise and think about what you want out of life for yourself. No contact is the best way to heal.
Moose Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 HERE HERE, No Contact! She's got to learn about consequences....
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Until she realizes she needs help, therapy, AA, and work hard to BE the person she can be, you've done the right thing. Put yourself first, try to encourage her to get help - Other than that, don't involve yourself in her craziness.
Kasan Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 You are a good man! You stood by this woman when alot of other men would have called it quits. You need to get some perspective--some distance would be a good thing right now. Let the dust settle. Alcoholism is a terrible, terrible disease and as much as you want to save her from herself she needs to make that decision. It sounds like it is on its way to destroying you. Be strong--by taking this course of action, you might actually save her life.
Author ARDriver01 Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 I don't know why, but I'm really sad and I can't stop looking back our life together. This is all I've known for some time now. It's been the most important thing in my life and now it's really, REALLY hurting me. It's not just this recent argument, it's the last yr&1/2. It all comes back How do I make myself feel better about this? She really does need me, what's going to happen to her? I'm affraid she's really going to kill herself.
quankanne Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 plain and simple, you're grieving the loss of your marriage and the woman you'd pledged your troth to ... it's similar to dealing with the death of a spouse, because it's so final. I can't remember if you said anything in earlier posts, but are you getting any kind of personal counselling, either on base, from a private counsellor or even through your church? This might help you move through these stages of grief knowing there is someone there to support you mentally and physically. hugs to you, guy – I cannot even begin to imagine how torn you must be having made a hard decision like this. But do remember, sometimes you need to step back to preserve your sanity so that you can better help the person who is hurting you the way she is ...
quankanne Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 AR – even though this came from a website that deals with cancer issues, the grieving process is roughly the same no matter what kind of death a person must deal with ... including relationships. http://www.cancersurvivors.org/Coping/end%20term/stages.htm something I read rings true: That the only way around grief is to allow yourself to go through it ... that you cannot circumvent the process, otherwise there can be no healing. hugs, q
Author ARDriver01 Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 Thank you. I'm not in any kind of counseling and haven't been to church since. Chuch and worship bring back to a year ago. I pray, just not like I did once. I should probably go see a therapist.
AHIWON Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Best remedy I found for that was take out every picture you ever took and have a look at all them happy times. It will rip you up for a while but spare you about a year of slowly grieving it. I read about it after I did it. Cool experience.
kenfrance Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 You are a strong and compassionate man, even though you may not feel that way now. At this time in the process don't confuse love with a messiah complex. You can't save her as sad as that may seem to you. I am struggling with the same thing and so I can imagine the hard times you are facing. Just as you were loving, understanding and compassionate to her, now is the time to be that way with yourself. Keep it together. Peace.
Author ARDriver01 Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 Thank you so much. I appreciate all of your comments. It means more to me than I can even explain. I'm hurt real bad and you're all helping me. Thank you. I'm so greatful for you people.
Gunny376 Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 You're going through mental, physiological, psylogical and emotional withdrawal! That’s the reason your running around screaming and shouting running in circles. Your brain housing group is acting like a baby and wanting its "fix". Your "logical" mind is telling you that you can no longer deal with this toxic person in your life ~ but you're irrational mind is telling you it doesn't care. [sIZE=3]I don't re-call at this hour the precise terms ~ id, and something else ~ (I'm tired ~ just got off work) but basically there are three states of mind, the "adult", the "child" and the deluxe handy-dandy impersonal rational-logical part. The "child" part of your mind is what is causing you so much trouble, "it" wants back into its comfort zone ~ and that's back with the ex![/sIZE] You've got to handle this the same way as you would if you were coming off and addictive drug ~ you've got to go through detox. Indeed the same bio-chemicals that we feel in the old brain housing group are more addictive than crack, cocaine, meth etc. Endorphin (spelling?) are what these drugs act on ~ which is why they are so addictive. The drug dealer that can come up with the chemical equivalent of pure Endorphin ~ is going to make Bill Gates look like a skid row bum. You need to get into IC (individual counseling) stay the hell out of bars, away from any and all drugs and alcohol. Stay out of any and all relationships until you comfortable living and being alone with just you, yourself and no one else. You may have "separation anxiety" issues stemming from your childhood ~ I'm no psych., I just know that from my own personal experience when I got dumped on my GP and my Mother moves from Al to TX when I was 6. I'm no wimp ~ but coming to terms with that ~ made me understand why I had such a hard problem with my divorce when it went down. Once I understood where that came from? I've got no problem with it ~ some woman wants to leave? Don't let the door hit you in the azz on the way out! NEXT! I'm 17 years the other side of where you're at ~ and for me to give you advice is futile? Why? Because there's very little mutual points of comparison? It would be like my trying to explain sex to someone who's never had sex? My dying and coming back to life and explaining it to someone who's never died? A woman explaining to a man what its like to give birth ~ or to be a woman for that matter. What its like to be in combat to someone that's never been in combat? It’s the reason combat vets can't discuss and won't discuss what they've been through with people that have never been through it? There are no reference points for mutual comparison? You need to get you azz into IC ~ because you've got much bigger issues than just this separation. There's something from your past that is driving your anxieties! Its not the separation and doing what you had to do, it’s the gasoline from your past that's fueling all of this! You've got to let go of your past before you can move forward into your future! Forget the military ~ they're worthless! You don't want to muddy the waters between the to. Get an individual counselor, pay for it out of pocket if you have to ~ but dammit! Get it done! Either that or be haunted by it for the rest of your freaking life! The time to get real is right here! And right now! Forget her! You need to be working on you! The time to get your act together is right here ~ and right freaking now! If you're looking for sympathy ~ you need to go pull Mr Webster out of local library and search between s***t and syllabaries ~ because I'm here to tell you my Friend? That's the only place you're ever going to find it! Not that I don't care about you Bro ~ just I've too damn busy dogging my own bullets! We at LS take some time to help a Brother or Sister out ~ but the thing is we're caught up in our own "fire-fights" Hate it to be this way ~ but in the end it comes down to? "Your on your own. ~ go for yourself! (Some folks can't relate to that ~ but if your azz ever had rounds coming down in your direction ~ you can most definately relate! Most definately a "F.F or go for you gun" type situation) But, then again most folk on LS never had an early morning RPG shave in a HUMVEE! LOL! (Its "funny" now!) +
Author ARDriver01 Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 What if she calls me? And, why do I worry about what she's doing without me around? What the F!
child_of_isis Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 You call that a life? Sounds more like torture to me. When you stop holding her up, she will learn to stand. But not until. Do her a favor and let her fall a few times. I don't know why, but I'm really sad and I can't stop looking back our life together.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 What if she calls me? Give her your attorney's phone number. And, why do I worry about what she's doing without me around? What the F! It's a habit. You'll be amazed at how much lighter you feel when you take off the "shining armor" though. Look... it sounds to me like you've been "the responsible one" for the balance of the relationship. And in all that time, has what you've done WORKED? Has it resulted in any kind of long-lasting changes on her part? Has she learned, grown, matured, in any way? When what you're doing isn't working, doesn't it just stand to reason that you do something else? Regardless of the fact that you married this woman, she is still an INDIVIDUAL... free to make her own choices. And her choices have been consistently self-destructive and damaging to the people around her. YOU cannot change that. Only SHE can change it. Your belief that YOU hold the keys to her salvation is hubris, my friend. You aren't all-powerful, and you can't prevent people from doing what they're bent on doing. It's liberating when you really KNOW in your heart that you can't control anybody but yourself.
Author ARDriver01 Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 When what you're doing isn't working, doesn't it just stand to reason that you do something else? . Awsome. I've said that very same thing to her more times than I can rember. It's like the scientific method. Why try the same exact thing over, and over again if it produces a negative result? Thanks. I should take my own advise.
jmargel Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Don't call her and if she calls you don't answer. Find a good friend, pastor or someone that can give you a heads up on her behavior. Let her become really scared for awhile and let her really start thinking about things. If you give in too soon now then you will be really doomed. Your actions and words will become meaningless and her behavior will get worse. Honestly with your posts I think you will end up going back to her, you are not done with it all. So you need to squeeze as much as you can out of this. You took the hardest step and now you must get to the next. Remember that in these situations, tough love works best. She really needs to feel that she lost you forever. Only when she feels she has lost her safety net that she will be forced to have to deal with her demons and not put this burden onto you. In the mean time don't sit around and romanticize the past. Go out and keep yourself busy. Even in her situation she will be fine. Just call a mutual friend and explain the situation. Also find a counselor for yourself. You can't be a husband and a psychologist at the same time. It doesn't work. You begin to rationalize everything and lose your own feelings. Set short-term goals for yourself that include and doesn't include her. It's time to start thinking about yourself now. This is something that will actually help her start to take responsibility for what she's doing.
Gunny376 Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 What if she calls me? And, why do I worry about what she's doing without me around? What the F! Your an addict ~ your "addicted" to an addict. Watch "Interventtion" on A&E tonight 9 PM ~ Central. That's what you do ~ you tell this little Lady ~ until you get your toxic azz clean, straight, and sober, quit being weak-minded ~ YOU'RE OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!!! Don't CALL me! Don't write me ~ ZILCH! Nothing, nadda! Nothing but TOUGH LOVE! NOTHING but TOUGH LOVE!
bish Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 ARDriver.....you ask "now what?" You go out and live man!!! You and I will be in the same boat in the following month(s), that is if you are getting divorced. I am finally looking forward to shedding that dead weight of an adulteress and being single again!!! Party man!!! You earned it!!
Author ARDriver01 Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 A central theme to all this seems to be NO CONTA(She just called me as I'm typing this, my work phone has no caller ID)CT. I just told her no contact. She asked what I'm doing. She thinks I'm still at home. She's at her grandparents. I told her I left and I'm planning on D. I told her I need major super alone time. If she needs help with the checkbook, have her mom call me. Her mom is super cool and on my side. Here's my semi-plan. I'm going to fill out our dissolution papers, submit them to her with a letter informing her of the six months she has till finalization after filing. In which time she will grow up, stop F-ing off and figure out how to live her life. If she chooses to do anything that she knows is un-wifely during that time, then she's choosing to get that finalized. What do you guys think? Am I being stupid? It's like, "Here, you have x-much time to figure your life out. I'm moving forward with or without you".
Ladyjane14 Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 All I can say to you is... don't ever let someone else do the driving in YOUR life, not even if you love them. Your plan gives your WW control of the process, so theoretically, if she keeps her nose clean, you've promised to come back. Well, who knows how you'll feel in six months? You might not WANT to come back by then.
Author ARDriver01 Posted July 21, 2007 Author Posted July 21, 2007 until you get your toxic azz clean, straight, and sober, quit being weak-minded ~ YOU'RE OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!!! Don't CALL me! Don't write me ~ ZILCH! Nothing, nadda! This is what I'm refering to. I think this is good advise. Gunny, is this what you meant? Until you get you get your toxic ass clean? That feels like a middle ground I can sorta deal with. I'm not planning on our marriage working out, but it allows for some personal growth for both of us. Should I even be thinking along these lines. Sh*t, now I'm really confused. I hope you people don't think I'm dumb.
Lean On Me Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 I don't know why, but I'm really sad and I can't stop looking back our life together. This is all I've known for some time now. It's been the most important thing in my life and now it's really, REALLY hurting me. It's not just this recent argument, it's the last yr&1/2. It all comes back How do I make myself feel better about this? She really does need me, what's going to happen to her? I'm affraid she's really going to kill herself. Please don't think bad about me, but you can only do so much to help a person. If you know you did the best you can, than that's all you can do. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they can get better. Maybe you leaving her will help her, you never know. I do hope the best for her. Life is hard enough w/o having something wrong with you. Take care, dude, and may God bless the both of you.
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