WonderingInMo Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 My wife and i have been married for 5 years in august and have been together for 9 last may. Last monday morning i woke up to her getting ready to leave and when i asked where she was going she told me that she was driving to a city 1 hour away to apply for a job and that she was leaving me. We have 2 kids a 3yr old and a 1 yr old and have been having alot of problems due to the fact i am in the military and have had to leave alot. i get out of the military in december and was hoping that would end most of our problems. I have tried everything that i can think of and she is unwilling to talk about any of it. she still wears her wedding ring refuses to tell anyone but her best friend and got mad at me when she found out i told my parents. i know that we have alot of problems and have not had a very good relationship for a while but i also know that it shouldnt be over yet and that she is not keeping the childrens best interest in mind. please can anyone help
Moose Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 By, "Alot of problems".....what do you mean? What kind of problems? I know that since you're in the military, communication has probably been one of them......but besides that....what else has been goin on? Do you drink in excess? Do you use porn? Are you a couch potato? Are you a gamer? Are you using recreational drugs? Are you using hard drugs? How are you with the kids?
Author WonderingInMo Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 we have spent alot of time away from eachother i missed the whole first year of my 3 yr olds life. we have a terrible communication problem... i did have an alcohol problem and it shows up every now and then but nothing violent or recent. i am now in the army reserves so im am home but i am a police officer and work nights. i had the chance to move to days or take a promotion and stay on nights and she encouraged me to take the promotion and said it would be fine. We do fight alot about stupid things and i havent always been honest with her about my alcohol problem. i have never thought i needed help with it until recently but telling her that i am going to do that has no effect on her. We also have intimacy problems we only make love 1 a month if that often most of the time 2 months. she doesnt seem to think that any of this will change and that we have nothing in common. i think that she is just giving up but that my be because i am too close to the situation
Moose Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 I know this is going to sound a little harsh......but...it needs said. If I were you, I'd document everything you can about what's been going on lately. You have perfect grounds to keep the kids and that will definitely cause her to think about what she's going to do next. Most men automatically think they'd lose custody over their children, but that's not the nearly the case now and days. (especially here in MO). Here's the thing....it sounds to me she's found someone else. Perhaps in that town an hour or so away. You can bet her best friend knows about it too. Let your wife know that if she is planning on leaving, that she will need to get used to not seeing the kids as often as she does now. (She's not taking them with her). The only way this will work is if your nose is clean. She has to know that you'll have the upper hand if she chooses to jet out. This will spark her interest in talking with you about it.
a4a Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 I know this is going to sound a little harsh......but...it needs said. If I were you, I'd document everything you can about what's been going on lately. You have perfect grounds to keep the kids and that will definitely cause her to think about what she's going to do next. Most men automatically think they'd lose custody over their children, but that's not the nearly the case now and days. (especially here in MO). Here's the thing....it sounds to me she's found someone else. Perhaps in that town an hour or so away. You can bet her best friend knows about it too. Let your wife know that if she is planning on leaving, that she will need to get used to not seeing the kids as often as she does now. (She's not taking them with her). The only way this will work is if your nose is clean. She has to know that you'll have the upper hand if she chooses to jet out. This will spark her interest in talking with you about it. What??? Moose the guy admits to being gone, has a drinking problem, zero communication and you want to start a war between them? When one party asks for a divorce why must the second party go into battle mode? No sense in either party having the upper hand. And I don't base my thoughts on gender. ******************************************************** Wondering - deal with your drinking - that is baggage that a divorce won't cure. That is your issue, and yours alone that you have to face regardless of how the marriage pans out. In your line of work I would imagine you deal with plenty of drunks and likely you find it unpleasant..... imagine being married to one..... of course I don't know how bad your drinking problem is. You seemed to just mention it as if in passing. You are aware of what damage was done. Likely it is not repairable. So opt for a nice peaceful divorce. You could opt for MC..... but likely she is highly resentful at this point and beyond repair..... and if she is cheating.... which she may or may not be doing, why would you want her back? One question people often forget to ask themselves..... Would you want to stay/ be in a relationship with someone like yourself?
Moose Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Moose the guy admits to being gone, has a drinking problem, zero communication and you want to start a war between them?No, I don't want to start a war between him......his own words were:I have tried everything that i can think of and she is unwilling to talk about any of it. So I'm giving him another idea on how to force her to face these problems and come to a conclusion.When one party asks for a divorce why must the second party go into battle mode?Protection of course.You are aware of what damage was done. Likely it is not repairable. So opt for a nice peaceful divorce. Hmmm....wondering if this is advise that I should be taking as well?
Author WonderingInMo Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 I agree with you a4a i dont want to get into a bitter battle with my wife over the kids. i believe that hurts kids more than the divorce and i know that whatever happens the best place for the kids is with her. i dont want to use them as a threat to make her wanna stay with me i just want her to think of what it could and will eventually be not what it is right now. i feel as long as im working on myself and holding us together the sun will shine on us again. i guess im just hoping that the damage can be fixed and that there is light at the end of the tunnel for myself my wife and my kids. i really dont want to get a divorce i want to work things out. i guess thats what everyone says though. as for the cheating ive known her for a long time and i dont think that she would throw away our family for another guy.
a4a Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Wondering You are right the kids will be hurt more in a bitter battle..... that will have the same result if it goes quietly or with a roar - you will be divorced. Now if you want to fix it..... fix yourself first. 5 years things have not been so great...... suddenly you decide to change? Well I can tell you that likely it is too late, you missed your window of oppurtunity. Good news is that you can improve your own life now and the life of your kids. Nobody wants a drunk daddy. Divorced or not...... Perhaps if you focus on the new you she may decide it is time to talk.. don't count on it. And I don't think you want to repeat the same mistakes in your next R so you need to really learn from this one. And I doubt she is cheating.... many people are unhappy in their M's and want a divorce without some other person being in the picture. BTW I did not and I am not trying to give you a flogging here. Now start today and start making the new you for you.
a4a Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 No, I don't want to start a war between him......his own words were:So I'm giving him another idea on how to force her to face these problems and come to a conclusion.Protection of course.Hmmm....wondering if this is advise that I should be taking as well? Well stomping around and shooting off warning shots over the other persons head will certainly lead to a nasty battle. The best idea is not to play games and over power your opponent.... your spouse should not be your opponent. As for taking that advice about a peaceful divorce.... well, I truly believe some people are better off divorced and their kids are better off too.
kenfrance Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Stay strong, your kids need you. You show concern for them but you are talking mostly about your pain and confusion. Watch out for the kids. Be there for them. You were absent for a time and now there mom is absent. They are going to need stability during this unstable time.
Author WonderingInMo Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 As for being a drunk daddy I dont now or ever have i drank around my kids. as for the acohol problem its self i used to drink everyday when i was away from my family in the military that slimed down to once a week when i got home and now its maybe once a month. the problem with that came when i would go to my reserve drills and get drunk and stay the night. she didnt want me to drink anymore at all but i couldnt stop i just wouldnt tell her about it until she would find out. She doesnt put all the blame one me about our failing relationship we have both had a part in that i just am mainly to blame. i have always taken care of the house and the kids while im home i just havent been home enough. while i was gone we both grew alot but the problem is that we have grown apart and dont have hardly anything in common or anything to talk about. and it has only been about 2 years that our relationship has been failing.
quankanne Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 I don't know guy ... you may have grown apart, so the burden of making your marriage work is on the BOTH of you. However, something you said – that she got mad at you for telling your parents – makes me wonder if she has someone on the side and executing plans to leave you hanging. so in that sense, I think moose has a good point: You need to document, document, document what has gone on and what is going on in the relationship. You also need to show a good-faith effort that you are taking measure to work on your marriage as well as yourself – the military offers counselling and help for people in your situation.
Gunny376 Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Having been deployed with the military during the first year of your first child's life, in the military, in law enforcement on the graveyard shift, drinking a means of relieving "un-winding" from stress, etc. Her taking a job in another city ~ leaving you. She's not going ~ she's gone! The two of you have grown apart ~ the way to get from here to "happliy ever-after" is one day at a time ~ take care of your pennies and you won't have to worry about your dollars, right? There's probally too much water over the damn, and under the bridge at this time. You've got one chance and one chance only, work on yourself, your life, improving yourself ~ no bragging, no I'm going to do this or I'm going to do that, absolutely no beggning, whinning. This most definately a case of where the less said, the best said!!! If you're like most husbands/SO's you probally haven't been carrying your bulk of the responsibilites for the househould ~ this is a big one with women ~ but you never hear about it on this fourmns. Women often get the attitude, "Hey? If I've got the burden of it all to myself ~ what do I need you for?" You need to read ilmw's thread ~ be forwarned! Its long ~ over a year. Someone said it took the four or five hours to read the whole thing. So you might want to print it off for easier reading. If it were me I'd turn my back on her and let go of my past so I could move forward into my future. One final thought? She said she was leaving you, she didn't say she wanted a divorce ~ right? Did you ever stop to think that she really honestly might just need some time and space to collect her thoughts. It tough being a single working Mom! (or Dad) Anyway, here's ilmw's thread ~( I can't believe its not on the first page anymore!) :eek: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t90264/
Author WonderingInMo Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 Im kinda thinking its over too. I just have never really talked to anyone that had any expierence with this. I dont think that she has someone else on the side though that was my first thought. i just really do not know where to go from here and she has mentioned divorce. And thats really what she wants Im just not sure how to go about this.
Author WonderingInMo Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 well i finally got my wife to talk to me..... she is leaving and getting herself established. she said that we wont talk about the big D until she is settled but as of right now divorce is what she wants. so far she has agreed that we will have joint custody and she will not move further than an hour away. i hope that holds up i know she wants whats best for the kids and being faraway just puts more of a strain on everybody including the kids. any one have any advice as far as making what she said she was gonna do court ordered? and i thank everyone for talking to me it is making me feel better to get to talk about this i have no one else to talk to about it.
quiet1one1 Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 First, I'm not condoning any sort of "war". I hope you can work things out. The good news is that her actions are getting you to think about your issues. Maybe that's all she wants, who knows? Get into counseling for yourself right away and don't be weak. Do not beg and plead - I know it's hard but let her go! Also PLEASE do get your ducks in a row legally. Start documenting things and see an attorney asap. She's taking a very big risk moving out so that is an advantage for you. You must be prepared to act quick. I do have to agree with the idea that there's possibly somone else. Don't give up but think with your head and not your heart. Good luck.
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